xtcian

7/22/02 I've done a lot

7/22/02

I've done a lot of driving in my life I bet it's one of those statistics that would show I've driven halfway to the moon. Yet in all my cross-country trips and myriad journeys, I've never driven through two thunderstorms like the ones I slogged through today. It's official: they rank as #1 and #2 in the All-Time Scary Fucking Storm Countdown. Lightning was striking either side of the highway, and the hail was so thick you couldn't see past your own hood. Half of Indiana had pulled over to the side of the road, but not me – I learned to drive as a young kid in Iowa, where you just barrel through the worst of it because stopping can be even less safe.

The problem is, I have a dog that ought to be on Zoloft anyway, and storms give him what can only be described as a psychic break. By the time the hail started coming down - making it sound like we were in the interior of a snare drum during the final bars of Ravel's "Bolero" - Chopes had crawled into the front seat, put his paw into a cup of Sprite, and began to shake like a little bunny. This picture, taken because I couldn't let the moment go undocumented, doesn't do it justice:

Chopin mid-storm. Click on the picture for a movie of us on the road after the deluge

Stopping in small towns across America is just as quaint as it was in the '50s, it's just that the quaintness happens in monolithic fast food chains. I had the pleasure of getting to know the fine folks at the Taco Bell near Ashtabula, Ohio, and I have to say it was the finest fast food experience in memory. A gaggle of kids were genuinely excited that I had purchased the "large" Sprite (the one Chopin defiled a few hours later) because it had an Austin Powers contest peel-off. I peeled it off for them, and when it said "sorry try again" they seemed genuinely disappointed. The last kid there said, "Don't worry, you'll get it next time." Yes, my friend - I bet you're right.

I made it to Iowa City at about 10:30pm and kicked back a bourbon & coke with my brother Kent while their dog Marge took offense to both me and the Chopes. Now I lie on my 13-year-old nephew Lucas' mattress, reading a book I found under the bed: It's Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex & Sexual Health, the book you buy for your kid when he starts getting hair down there. Sean, Michelle and I had a book like this too, but this one is way more sophisticated, even including sections on homosexuality and masturbation! God, if I'd had this book... I mean, I had to discover masturbation by accident. Oh well, many of the great masters were self-taught, right?