xtcian

7/3/02 There is a Heat

7/3/02

There is a Heat that feels like the inside of your Brain has been stuck in a Microwave, gradually rising to a Liquified, Boiling Magma from the center on out. Usually the copyrighted domain of Southern states like North Carolina, this kind of heat descended on the New York area today, and even the Berkshires were totally unbearable. When we got out of the car, sweat poured forth immediately, and I'm not even that much of a sweater.

We tried to install the air conditioners, but of course, the farmhouse's prissy little circuit breakers couldn't take Tessa's behemoths, leaving us with a couple of puny AC units and a lot of misery. My reaction to heat has always been a bit overwhelming; I don't know if it's the whole Welsh thing, or just that I'm High Maintenance Boy, but I really can't function past a certain point. Playing ball and getting sweaty is one thing, but sitting and talking while you begin to melt is quite another.

It made me think about the ways in which I need certain Products in order to be functional as has been cerebrum-numbingly documented here, I think a lot about some alternate future where we don't get the things we want. Here's a partial list of things that, if unavailable, would make me miserable:

1. air conditioning. Obviously. I know AC ruined Southern fiction and all, but how did Eudora Welty get any work done from June to September?

2. Celexa. Don't know if this is quite that big a deal, but a world without antidepressants strikes me as faintly hopeless. Then again, I'm not even sure how much a sea change has been in my life since April 10 when I committed to writing here every day. But not getting better would be very unhappy-making.

3. Afrin. I'm getting surgery for my deviated septum (caused by a trash can don't ask) but meantime I wouldn't be able to breathe without it.

4. Lactaid tablets. Sure, it's easy to make fun of "lactose intolerance," since it sounds so swooningly hypochondriachal, but if you really are lactose intolerant and have ice cream, you're fucked. These little tablets make all the difference, and I really love ice cream, so fork off!

5. Excedrin. What is it about the tantalizing mix of Tylenol, aspirin and caffeine that make Excedrins so good? Some people need coffee to survive the morning, I need two Excedrin.

6. Refresh Tears Eye Drops. Ever since LASIK surgery, my eyes were pretty dry – now with the damn sinus thing, they hurt all the time. Refresh Tears™ are cool, 'cuz you can use them all day long, unlike Visine, which makes you wait.

7. Really Good Basketball Shoes. And not just for playing, good hoops shoes can keep you dry in the rain, have great support, and are really soft where you need them. Back when I used to mull about such things on an hourly basis, I wondered what kind of shoes I'd be stuck in during a national emergency, and I always hoped it would take place on hoops day.

8. Access to the internet.

That's about it. I can do without that awesome Kiehl's body wash, the shaving cream with benzocaine in it, sugar cereals, those linen shirts I've been craving, Coke, American Crew Fiber hair stuff, the cell phone, Chelsea Piers and tuna. Even though I love all those things. You can probably even take away the hoops shoes, the Excedrin, the eye drops, the antidepressants - and I won't eat any dairy products.

But I need the Afrin and air conditioning, by God.

from the "How Does She Put Up With Me" dept.