11/3/03
I've begun a new regimen today, most likely a stab in the dark waters at whatever barnacles have been dragging my ship, but you have to start somewhere. Whilst at the Zap Y'all's PRAM conference up on Prince Edward Island, they were shooting a documentary on blogs that was to be shown at the local universities. The cameraman asked us if we wanted to see some of the footage, and Tessa wisely demurred. I, however, took a peek at my interview, and was so horrified by the way I looked that it took me about six hours to think about anything else.
I've had other such moments. At Halloween 1994 in Chapel Hill, I went as an "alternative chick" – nose ring, baby Gap dress, weird boobs, the whole thing – and when I saw the pictures, I was so embarrassed by the spectacle of my form that I vowed right then to lose 25 pounds. And by April of 1995, I had. I will try to find that picture, so you can see what I mean.
Things have been similarly thrown into sharp contrast. I am realizing that I "got away with it" for many decades, but that time may be over. I looked 25 until I was about 35, but now I have let myself go, and if there's one thing that is NOT going to happen to me, it is becoming another fucking chubby white guy. As of last month, I no longer fit into any of my pants, which is okay considering I spent the summer at my bachelor party, the wedding, and the honeymoon, but it is time to start being a functional human being again.
This is not about vanity, this is about Not Being Predictable. Most 36-year-olds get awful haircuts, cultivate pube-laden soft white underbellies, give up any passionate theories that fueled their creative rage, and start making really dumb, sexist, vaguely creepy jokes about the 17-year-olds that walk past them at the mall. I am not going to become this person. Even if it means drinking gay-ass Slim Fast™ and joining a "spinning" class, as God is my witness, I will NOT BE A FUCKING SCHLUB!
just don't loose too much weight where it counts, brother!
Slim-Fast? Spinning? What are you, a girl? I'd write more but I have to finish my cottage cheese and get to yoga class.
Instead of SlimFast™ , just avoid being in front of a camera. It's way easier (and thus better) than dieting. Think of yourself as a vampire, or a member of one of those tribes whose soul gets stolen by the camera. Or a member of a secret cabal whose identity must be kept confidential to protect the innocent. Instead of mealy doughy white folk, your self-image becomes... an international man of mystery. And in the Canadian context, hey you _are_ an international man of mystery dude.
I had a similar freak out last Xmas and have lost 30 pounds since then, approx. half of what I need to lose. I have yet to feel healthier, despite what the weight loss gurus say, I still feel tired at the end of the day and grumpy most of the time, I think that must be endemic to being in one's 30's? Or to being supressed by the cultural logic of late capitalism? However, I have noticed that when dancing, I am now able to jump up jump up AND get down, something I haven't been able to do in a few years. So that's positive, assuming my knees don't give out.
Good luck to you, and by the way, it was great to meet you and Tessa at Zap, Mita and I both wished we had had more time/opportunity to talk to you guys.
Get in touch with your inner - and outer - fucking schlub. Maybe it is what you are? I've been a big kid, teen with "husky cut" jeans and, post marriage, a greying guy with about 50 pounds extra. Big deal. I don't smoke and have low blood sugar and reasonable other levels. Worry about that more than the size of your gut.
Sean - change your name back.Lisa - it was great to meet you guys as well! Is there a way to get to Windsor where you don't even have to SEE Detroit?
Alan - This is not what I am. This is not what I am (x3)
Block - The problem is that when you're fatter, it LOOKS smaller.
"This is not what I am"...hmmm...may require Popeye Matra Therapy - repeat "eyamwudeyam cuzzats wudeyam" and see if you are still as fat - not that you're fat...husky.
Ian:Sean is Luke Wilson. I actually need to drop a few pounds myself. Perhaps we can set up a contest. Email me at the address I've provided
Love and Kisses from Your Biggest Fan,
Owen Wilson