December 2, 2003

ding dong th' bells


The only thing more predictable than my political leanings are the succession of terrible decisions made by the Bush Administration and the 108th Congress, so it should bore everyone to tears that I find this new Federal Marriage Amendment to the U.S. Constitution one of the worst ideas since the Founding Fathers decided to make Negroes into 2/5ths a person.

I swear to god, accepting homosexuals is going to be the last frontier in this country. It took conservatives centuries to begrudgingly give women and blacks the time of day, but their bizarre fear and knee-jerk loathing of homosexuals seems like it will never fade. My extended Mormon family hates gays more than they hate Al Qaeda.

Well, I got news for you: the Federal Marriage Amendment will fail eventually, terrible ideas like that always do. And now that Massachusetts has set the precedent for states to ratify same-sex unions, pretty soon New York will too, then Hawaii, then Oregon, and then YOUR state will be next. You can either choose to accept this now, or go down in history like the raving pontificators of the Confederate Congress.

Massachusetts is only a couple of miles away from our house; from the top of our hill, you can see their trees, and the faint outline of churches where ceremonies can be held. We plan on getting as many gay couples married there as we can, then bringing them over the border to our barn for a party as swingin' as the one we had for our own wedding. We're going to be your One-Stop Queer Marriage Hut™.

The first couple, I hope, will be Tessa's best friend Jason and his partner Tim. Some of the coolest and funniest people I know, they live in Los Angeles for Seasonal Affective Disorder reasons, but as soon as the 180-day time limit has passed, they will hotfoot it to cold-ass Massachusetts, exchange vows, then drive back to our place for a hootenanny. This blog goes out to them, and to all the other gays who are seeing a pinpoint of light at the end of the tunnel.


Posted by irw at December 2, 2003 10:20 PM
Posted by: Linda at December 3, 2003 5:11 AM

Jason and Tim are not only two of the most beauiful people I know. (Lordy, but they are both purty!) but two of he nicest. I can't wait to throw confetti on them and wish them long life and eternal love. Years ago, a gay friend of mine, who had just been castigated for her lifestyle, said tearfully to me "Don't they realize that there isn't ENOUGH love in the world?" Amen. Here's to Jason and Tim, and to Ian and Tessa, and to Sean and Jordi, and all the other or straight... who sought, found, and cherish their love and commitment.

Posted by: Chris at December 3, 2003 5:13 AM

Linda Worsley:

Great prose, great music, card shark, and orange rolls.

Posted by: Salem at December 3, 2003 5:51 AM

Ian, you would have loved Monday at the Steakhouse. I had lunch with former GA Congressman Bob Barr (R) and my lawyer. He actually used the word homosexual at one point during lunch. I think he found it ironic that his column in Creative Loafing was frequently framed by breast augmentation clinics and homosexual nightclub ads. If he had squeezed in guns and abortion we would have had a conservative hat trick in one lunch. Don't worry, I didn't plan the lunch, they just stopped by. You actually would have enjoyed the experience due to the fact that my Attourney is a radically liberal and somewhat notorious civil rights attourney, Edwin Marger. I think Bob Barr was an intern for Ed long ago, and has joined his law firm recently. Ed spent most of the 60's freeing po;itical prisoners from Cuba and representing a few central american dictators along the way. He actually represented the former King of Afghanistan long ago (when there was money in it). I will make sure to instigate a "Marriage Ammendment" debate between the two of them next visit.

Posted by: Greg at December 3, 2003 6:29 AM

1st - Amen to Ian's plans to turn NY into a reception hall for queer MA weddings! I've attended some beautiful commitment ceremonies over the years - one for a Carolina alum in NYC - and it's always baffled me why they didn't receive the same legal status as heterosexual weddings.

2nd - Michelle, don't worry about the boredom factor, your blogs are still quite fascinating as a peek into a world completely foreign to my married-with-a-kid-working-at-a-desk-every-day life. I only intended to comment that you haven't been able to post much lately - not that I blame you. It's easy for me to post with my cable modem, yet I almost never do.

Posted by: Jason at December 3, 2003 10:27 AM

Ian - As one of the homos in question, just wanted to say thanks for the support. I am proud to have joined the esteemed ranks of those who actually got photo face time on the blog. (Though I have always thought we look a bit like conjoined twins in that photo. But that's neither here nor there...)

Gay marriage is one of those weird issues where your some of your longest political allies start to sound like pod people. Bette Midler-- she of the humble bathhouse beginnings -- recently questioned whether gays were capable of longterm commitment. That is horrifying. And people much closer to me than Ms. Midler have coyly said, 'but marriage has always been between a man and a woman.' I won't even get into that debate here. I hope I'm preaching to the choir, anyway.

Just wanted to say thanks for your vote of hetero support. It's really important. everyone, PLEASe call your state and federal representatives and urge them to oppose the constitutional amendment.

I hope to be celebrating my nuptials in your barn in 165 days. Can you go ahead and mark us down on the calendar?

Your seasonally challenged friend,

Posted by: Sean at December 3, 2003 2:18 PM

I sang at the wedding of my ex-wife's sister. It was in a Vegas cathedral, and she was marrying the man who, seven months earlier, had impregnated her after they met at their mutual drug dealer's house.

There was a small organ in the room and I decided it would be better if there was some music, so my then-wife grabbed her "Greatest Hits of the Phantom of the Opera" and I chorded out and warbled "All I Ask Of You" with her. When we got to the end of the song, the minister was crying and he said, "that's one of the loveliest things that has ever happened in this chapel."

So, the "sanctity of marriage" thing? Um, people aint got a leg to stand on. People are getting married in drive-thrus by Elvis impersonators, the fact that gay marriage is being made criminal is almost comic.

Posted by: Michelle at December 3, 2003 2:47 PM

Ian, isn't it sort of weird and wonderful that people are now communicating with each other via your "comments" page? Anyway, Greg, I was more lamenting how trite it is to be in my current situation, having moved to change my life and finding myself still stuck with me. "Lost in California" sounds so "Sleepless in Seattle". But it is my life, and anytime I can battle dial-up I will continue to write about it. Even when I read it the next day and shake my head in embarassment.

Posted by: Lyle at December 4, 2003 7:04 PM

A Constitutional amendment opposing gay marriage?! I've been living under a self-imposed rock in Bangkok for two reasons: the local papers suck and exposing myself to most world news just brings my mood down and my blood pressure up, which isn't good for a mother who's hoping to rear optimistic, interesting little people. So Ian's blog is the first I've heard of this attempted bullshit. Things like this make me feel even more estranged from my home country. Who is helming such a ridiculous movement?! Linda's friend's point really resonates with me: With so much fighting and misunderstanding in this world, it's sad people want to discourage acts of love. I hope my two little sons will grow to have lives filled with love, and if that's in the arms of men or women, I don't care, as long as they're happy! By the way, Thailand is pretty messed up in many departments, but one great thing is that being gay here is perfectly normal, no big deal, just a part of life. Jason and Tim, consider honeymooning here!

Posted by: Todd at June 11, 2008 7:55 AM

Hey, you queers can do whatever you want, just don't flaunt it in public and in the media so my innocent kids have to watch. I needn't explain to my 7-year-old about cock-sucking.

Posted by: Ian at June 11, 2008 3:47 PM

Hey Todd, would you mind felching me?

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