1/7/04
The temperature on weather.com today said "feels like 12," and they weren't goddamn kidding. You can describe the kind of chill you get at 50 degrees; there is the crisp cold of 41; there is the misery of 24 – but "feels like 12" is something else altogether. Coming inside, it takes about 5 minutes to decompress, like you were a deep-sea diver recovering from the bends.
I spent a the day "feeling like 12" en route to my therapist in midtown, a monthly journey that I keep doing even though it was originally just for the weeks leading up to my wedding. Getting a little therapy, even if everything is totally cool, is absolutely necessary to the long-term prospects of a union - as loath as I was to start the process, I can heartily recommend it to everyone. It does, however, bring up some ancient feelings I'm not exactly proud of.
I made a pact long ago not to be a "guy," you know, in the way that most people decided to be male. I decided that I would talk about my feelings, not be clammed up about things, never define any job in terms of gender, and never watch either NASCAR or hockey. But it's interesting how hard therapy can be for me, a dude.
I'm cool for about the first 45 minutes, and after that, I want to go hunt buffalo. I reach a point when I'm pretty well finished with talking, and I know it's childish and churlish, but something in my genetic makeup, a lone wolf crying at the top of my "Y" chromosome, wants me to get an ax and chop down a tree.
And so one must ask the usual question: is it nature or nurture? Did years of bad television, moronic pimpled friends in junior high school, an emotionally-shut-down prep school and countless glasses of Jim Beam & Coke shut off my ability to delve into emotional issues as far as others can? Or is it just that men are not terribly complicated creatures, and they are afraid to go to the bottom of their soul, because their biggest secret is that nothing is there?
Posted by irw at January 7, 2004 10:40 PMBah. From our wind warning here on Prince Edward Island today: "Bitterly cold west to northwest winds will drive wind chill values down to near minus 35 at times today and tonight."
in my job i do a lot of couples counseling - mostly pre-marital work like you have done. i think what you have so eloquently described is the fear that *most* people have in therapy, regardless of gender, which is why so many miss out on the opportunity to delve deeper into themselves and their relationships. it's really scary.
but i have stopped believing in most gender stereotypes - mostly because my experience is that same-sex couples have the exact same issues as opposite sex.
The insights a therapist might bring you to are sometimes secondary to the mere fact that you're opening up to someone who wishes you well who won't bring what you say back into your regular life. It's a bit like what a Catholic would get out of confession, if confession wasn't tied up with retarded notions of sin.
I think all people are both less complicated than they'd like to think, and more complicated than they could ever know. Why do we go ahead and do things we know we shouldn't do? And where the hell did my sunglasses go?
Kent:Your sunglasses are on top of Linda's head if past experience is a guide.
Ian, the Heels looked good last night. That should be enough therapy for anyone. They have to beat Tech though.
In all seriousness, do you go to therapy by yourself or is this couples therapy?
Kinda funny that you chose today to blog about therapy - this afternoon I'm going to my first session (ever) with a therapist to address my recently diagnosed ADD... I'm looking forward to it. The nature vs nurture question pops into my mind constantly when thinking about the root of ADD...
35 below with wind - that's nothing. When I moved to the Ottawa Valley in 1992, the winter had 4 weeks of minus 30 in which there was a week of minus 40 and one day of minus 50 - before wind chill. I was amazed that -40 was appreciably colder than -30 and then shocked that -50 was an entire set of experiences colder still. At -50 normally operable cars will not start for no other reason. You have to move your face to stop it hurting. One layer of long underwear is insufficient. In such a climate you also stop saying minus or below - its just "forty" or "fifty".
in re: Kent's comment:
"There's more to me than you'll ever know
And I got more hits than Sadaharu Oh"The best thing about therapy is learning to do it for yourself, learning to be your own therapist, learning how to spill the beans about yourself, to yourself. Learning to be introspective without being narcissistic. Learning to see your behavior the way others see it, and learning to accept your thoughts and feelings, and to analyze them objectively and honestly. And of course, learning to express those thoughts and feelings to another person. I don't think I could have learned these skills without therapy, but now I've learned how to do these things for myself, I've accomplished more than I think I ever could have accomplished with a therapist.
Or maybe I'm just a cheapskate.
Seriously, these skills are simple keys to unlock the doors of our deepest, most complicated elements. Where love comes from. Where art comes from. Where our souls are (whatever the hell they are).
And like Kevin Costner's character in "Bull Durham" I *believe* in the soul (among other things); maybe life's just more interesting if you believe.
As for the emotional makeup of men, I think we're as emotionally complicated and deep as women are, but in a less immediate way. I think that comes from our hunter/warrior evolutionary history. Introspection and analysis aren't desirable during battle or a hunt (or similar activities), but they can be valuable afterwards. We only like to talk about these (emotionally-charged) things to those who were there with us; who else could understand?
That's why I think I was more comfortable with a male therapist (even though I generally find it easier to talk with women), and ultimately, why I find *I'm* my best therapist.
Yay! Cathie posted! Welcome!Bud, another good one. What I'm finding is that you're right, I'm my own best therapist, but that the source was actually Celexa. That sounds rather disturbing, I guess, but the drug has taught me to "move on" after a few moments' depression or anxiety.
The question is, doing it without the drug.
All I can say about stopping anti-depressant meds (other than the usual "ask your doctor" caveat) is to have your coping strategies clicking along smoothly before you do.
If you've got the following "wired" :
- sleep habits (going to bed and getting up the same time each day, with adequate rest)
- eating habits (regular, healthy meals, no bingeing or starving)
- exercise habits (at least 3 times a week, preferably 5 times or more)
- drinking enough water (sounds trivial, but it's anything but)
- no self-medication (i.e. drugs or alcohol in anything but moderation)
- communication (honest and open, especially with *yourself*);then you may be ready to give up the meds. Of course if we'd had all that squared away to begin with, we'd never have been depressed in the first place, would we?
I don't have any personal experience with Celexa, and a quick Internet search didn't tell me much, only that some folks have up to 3 months of withdrawal symptoms. With Prozac years ago, I didn't have any problems with withdrawal, but part of that may have been how miserable the side effects made me.
I know what you mean, though, about meds being the source -- if it weren't for Prozac, as much as I hated it, I'd never have made it past the Purple House days. I, too, needed meds to overcome acute suicidal despair and anxiety.
I can't help but think that long-term use of this stuff is damaging. I didn't have any problems with acute suicidal despair and anxiety when I stopped Prozac, but by that time I'd wired in the good habits (mostly! I mean, geez, I don't think anyone does all that stuff *perfectly*). Once you have that stuff pretty well squared away, I recommend that you do "ask your doctor."
And always feel free to call a friend, yo.
The initial comeback statement in Bud's first comment is a real blast from the past; I haven't heard that since junior high days and even then it was reserved for the few who knew enough about baseball to know who Sadaharu Oh was and how to imitate his unorthodox batting stance.
He had a number of hits, so use the line proudly and revel in your many talents, each and every one of you.
Sadaharu Oh!
Under self-medication, let's not leave out the nation's current drug of choice: caffeine.
Make that "Under the category of 'self-medication'..."
Under many forms of medication, and especially under the influense of caffeine, I find my memory and attention to detail are, if anything, better than normal. In fact, I may be under a little too much caffeine right now.