January 12, 2004
T.T.A.C.D.M.C.A.M.B.
1/12/04
My brother Kent reminded me of this dude in Minneapolis who thinks I'm a "self-involved fuck" so I decided to dedicate another blog to him. I call this entry Things That Are Currently Driving Me Crazy about My Body. I hope he sits back, cracks open a can of Schlitz (or whatever they drink in Minnesota), puts his ottoman in Full Recline, and enjoys today's missive – just for him!!!
1. My plantaris is killing me.
If you look at the picture, that calf muscle runs up and behind your knee, and for some reason, it's filling me full of pain every time I do something utterly random, like get out of a chair. I can't imagine how I did it – I even tried to recreate the injury in hoops on Thursday, but couldn't. The only other time it hurts is the following:
- the first three steps down a staircase
- while getting into the car, moving my right leg from the sidewalk to the gas pedal
- moving laterally to stop Chopin from peeing on someone's car.
The website says that this muscle is "rarely used" and they don't even have a specific stretch for it, at least where it hurts me (the back of my leg behind my knee). Frankly, I'm flummoxed. Guy in Minneapolis, what would you do?
2. I have a deviated septum and it gives me migraines.
Or does it? I can't tell who set off an M-80 behind my left eye every night, but now I'm waking up in paroxysms of pain, just like a goddamn junkie. I have to take three Excedrins to make it go away, but then the caffeine makes sleep impossible. The cruel joke is that the deviated septum is on the right side. I stay hydrated – you know, like they do in some northern prairie states like Minnesota – but this is making me lose my religion.
3. My middle finger on my left hand feels like it has arthritis.
That's my only explanation for this stupid pain in the knuckle, making it hard for me to do much of anything intricate besides type. I know it sounds like I'm kidding, but it's true. Is there such a thing as localized arthritis on one knuckle on a random hand, and nothing else is affected? Maybe the cold weather is breaking me down. It was colder here this week than... well, other states I could name!
Yeah, well, there you go. I have other things that are making me crazy – like the fact my stomach hurts 87% of the time, but we'll go into that another time. The cool thing about me is this: I may obsess over my own poopy, but I take just as much interest in your poopy too.
Hey, use the comments button to tell me what is ailing each and every one of you right now!
I'm in the spring of health, buddy! Ever since I quit going to the gym, I have almost no pain at all. Occasionally I get stomach bloat from mixing cheese beef and french fries, but other than that... pain free!
I think I have a tapeworm.
A turnkey solution (waiver still applies!) for your ailments:
1 - try leg extensions to tighten/strengthen the muscle... you'll have to find Nautilaus-like equipment though unless you know how to get creative with free weights.
2 - "Axert" http://www.axert.com/ works for me. It's expensive.
3 - Hmmmm. Is that a joke because it is your middle finger?!
re: migraines. i get them, too, and have now read 2 pretty convincing articles which say that taking headache medicine for them actually gives you *more* headaches - what they call 'rebound' headaches. the theory is that the pain reliever restricts your blood vessels, easing your pain. but when it wears off, the blood flows even harder through the blood vessels, causing another, even worse, headache. and so on.
i have found that by not taking medicine, just being in a quiet, dark, cool room with my eyes closed and relaxing as much as possible, the headaches go away sooner and i don't get as many.
What a drag...it is...getting old.
-iI had some back pain at Christmas, which I think was brought on by hours in airplane seats. Some simple yoga exercises (cat/cow, downward dog) seemed to help.
For the plantar stuff, my dad has that and he bought some kind of cheap and simple device that he wore while he slept. this seemed to stretch out the relevant muscles and ameliorate the problem.
I believe one of the commenters above also had plantar problems.
I think deviated septums can be fixed surgically. I'd look into it, especially if you have chronic migraines.
nope, the middle finger thing is, sadly, true as beans. You guys are making me feel like a '67 Opel - don't any of you have niggling muscle and body issues?
Did I say some guy In Minnesota? I meant some guy in Iowa named Kent. Thats right, it was me. I am tired of living in your shadow while you collect our Mom's accolades and I her stale pity.
A POX ON THEE!
Well my hair fell out. I do have pain in my right hip from time to time. Usually stretching helps if I remember to stretch.
I just popped my knee open like a melon. Nothing that couldn't be fixed with a few stitches. Still, pretty damned inconvenient.
Oh yeah, and I'm stuck in frickin' Statesville, which is a lot like prison (without the sex, though).
have you tried acupuncture...for any of the ailments you listed? i've found acupuncture effective for alleviating acute wrist pain (repetitive stress from pushing nathan's heavy stroller all over washington, dc); finally ending a decades-long fingernail-biting habit; banishing insomnia; and generally improving the, erm, flow of my chi.
you truly are interested in everyone's poopy, not just yours. and we in the peanut gallery of your life appreciate and love that about you!
Budman,
Didn't REM write a song about Statesville? Oh, that was Rockville. Anyway, run, runaway. I wouldn't have been able to handle going back to Charlotte. Statesville should only be known as a place where many extraordinary people are FROM. John Gilbert, Brad Conger, and the Budster. Two out of the three of y'all are back in Statesville. Where is Brad?
I know (or maybe I should say "used to know") both John and Brad. I went to kindergarten with John! I never knew Brad too well. He finished high school a year ahead of me. I heard about him some down at Chapel Hill, but I can't recall ever seeing him there.
My most recent memory of Brad Conger: he came back to visit the high school, and popped in to shoot the breeze as we were agonizing our way through the Hardest Chemistry Lab Ever. My friend Allison was completely stuck. Brad leaned over her shoulder and said, "When you find yourself in moments like this, just look up to heaven and say 'Brad, why am I here?'".
So Allison looked up over her shoulder at him and said, "Brad, why *are* you here?"
Good times. Good times.