1/16/04
This post is not going to be about Iraq at all, but it starts in Iraq, namely the Nabil restaurant in Baghdad that was blown to smithereens on New Year's Day by insurgents. It was a place frequented by many Western journalists, and in fact, my buddy Colin Soloway had been there several times just last month. I wonder if he feels what could be called "hypothetical dread," a feeling as though you were teetering on the edge of some ghastly fate, but through your own innocence and insouciance, you just didn't know.
I mention this because that's the way I have come to view much of my past. 2001 was a massive turning point for me, a year after which nothing was going to be the same. It was the year I lost all of my confidence and had to painstakingly re-mortar it again; it was the year when I finally understood what an asshole I had been. I think back at the time before 2001, and feel dread just thinking how closely I came to destroying myself.
The blog I wrote a few days ago – the one about the dot-com – is an example of these thoughts. I erased it because it was hurtful, but there was a second part to it. The end of the story tells about how I was summarily dismissed, and how I realized that the person who had been full of shit, the person who had known so little about our audience, who had an overweening sense of entitlement despite paltry credentials – was me.
I was taught an unthinkable amount of humility in 2001. I had lost a job I thought I'd owned, I directed an independent film that nearly spiraled out of control, I was blocks away from the worst terrorist attack in history, I fell into a deep well of anxiety that made me question why I bothered to breathe, and I gave my ego over to someone else by preparing for marriage.
I look back upon my behavior after college, during my stint in Los Angeles, and my early days in New York, and I think: I'm in recovery. I was addicted to myself. I was drunk on my own bullshit.
There's nothing worse that someone claiming a sanctimonious conversion experience; they bore me blind, and besides, it's a trick the Religious Right uses all the time to shield themselves from past criticism (Ralph Reed is a perfect example). I'm trying to own up to the things I've done in the past as best I can. The question is: did I learn it too late? It's one thing to be a moron when you're 23, but I was still a moron at 33. I got by on charm, on writing skill, and the occasional Right Thing to Do, but I'm still stunned it took me so long to realize that I ever had a lesson coming.
In this recovery, I've used a lot of the language and principles taught to me by Tessa and my dime-store knowledge of A.A. (even coming to understand that A.A. was not a front for rabid Christians was a big pill for me to swallow) and even though I have not done any of the steps – which would require me getting in touch with some very disagreeable people – it has allowed me to think honestly. I used to feel like I was "in trouble" all of the time, usually because I was juggling a lie and a truth in the air at all times... or because I was actually in trouble.
Now I only feel "in trouble" every other Tuesday, which is a huge step in the right direction. Some people die without any room for a second act, and I feel grateful beyond nouns that I was provided one.
I used to feel "in trouble" and also that "I might be found out". I think now, after about 12 years of listening to other people's worst crises professionally, that these are red flags that something is actually wrong in one's life. We are conditioned to ignore these signs of the road that should never have been taken and many become quite immune to them. They result in what a MD pal of mine told me about one of the three sources of depression. They are: #1 - you actually do have a chemical imbalance; #2 - you have an in ability to think through problems to a solution; and #3 your life actually does suck. By far most depression is #3 with a good helping of #2 and unless you get help with #2 you will never see #3. Sadly, #2 takes time and money and the type of help not readily available to most people. My point? Respect the red flags, expect that I am usually not wise to take my own council at that moment, and, when all else fails, do something monosyllabic not related to the problem - cook, swim, draw, hop - and something of a start to understanding might show up before you know it.
thanks Alan for sharing the 1-2-3 list. What I have found is that it's difficult to comprehend the 1-2-3 if you are experiencing any one of them or God-forbid all of them. You then have to rely on others in your life to help get you back on track when that is usually the last thing you want is someone meddling in your life. Half the time you just want to be left alone if for instance depression is the culprit. Or, you are mad at those people you need for whatever reason and you refuse to use their help. Maybe it's true time does heal "all?" wounds even if it means waddling through a sucky existence. I think the trick is finding those "one shining moments" (hello UNC basketball fans) or perhaps those "shiny, happy people" in our lives and loves. Ian - I appreciate your openness on your blog. It gets me thinking about "forgiveness" and what it can lend to our lives, whether you approach secularly or with a Higher Power in hand.