March 03, 2004
love american style
3/3/04
Slidell, LA
Okay, so we didn't quite make it to New Orleans tonight, but thanks to the Enemy of Fun™, i.e., our dog Chopin, we had to stop at a La Quinta Inn just outside Slidell. For those of you not privy, Slidell is just above Lake Pontchartrain from New Orleans and was once a total shithole – but then the lake flooded the town and the insurance companies bought everyone a new house. Now it is a delightful charter member of the New South, complete with organic grocery stores surrounded by red cedar mulch.
Not content just to be a raconteur to our journey, I have provided some pictures of superlatives we've seen on our way down. First up:
The Most Insane Cracker Barrel Piece of Americana Shit 2004
Tessa tries to eat her Chicken Fried Steak Fried Chicken underneath this monstrosity cobbled together by forty-five grandmothers with way too much free time (or the Tuscaloosa Federal Penitentiary Labor program). We try not to eat at Cracker Barrel because apparently they hate homos, but the salads are excellent. The decorations, however – Dr. Pepper signs from 108, weed threshers from the Dustbowl Depression – are simply awful. One family was dining underneath a gigantic ancient 2-person timber saw, and I swear to God that shit is going to fall on somebody someday, and that will be the end of it.
The Most Depressing Evangelical Cross in Tennessee
.jpg)
This thing was about fifty feet high, made of rusty steel tubing and some kind of opaque plastic, meant to give off the feel of a brand new Jesus, but instead, it just looks like a broken-down relic of the 1972 Winter Olympics. These people could learn a thing or two from the Mormons, who not only build their temples within peeing distance of the major interstates, but do it with such flair that tourists think they've stumbled upon a Masonic Temple.
The Worst Motel Towel, Ever.
.jpg)
I've been to a lot of fucked-up motels, and I've even lived in England, Home of Shitty Bathcare Products. But nothing could prepare you for this artifact – a towel, threadbare and ripped, unable to do anything but push dirty water around your body. Lacking not just in absorbency but also in size, this towel smells bad just out of the laundry. What do you deal with a towel this legendarily bad? You STEAL it, of course. Viewings will be held in Brooklyn upon our return.
What a great road commentary. Can you comment upon and deconstruct the chicken fried steak? As a Canadian who has only briefly crossed the Mason-Dixon line, this is an exotic food that sounds utterly disgusting but, as herself apparently chooses it over the amazing salads, they must have some merit.
you know better than eating at THAT place..there is absolutely no reason for eating there.. a local greasy spoon would be better....always!
Chicken fried steak- you take a steak and hammer it down to chicken cutlet flatness and season it with meat tenderizer. You do a double flower and egg wash on the meat and then pan fry it up in hot lard. Youo could deep fry it, but then you'd have a really crispy fried steak instead of one chock full of pig fat goodness.
Serve it on a roll with bacon and pan gravy.
In the flower wash, you really should have salt and pepper and whatever spices you want on the sandwich. I use cajun spices that I bought at Ian's bachelor party in N'awleens.
Sweet Jesus - it's on a bun too! What a merry dance with cardio-vascular exipiration the regular consumer plays. Is there a separate life insurance risk category for thems that eat these things?
I think the cross may make me want to completely avoid the state of Tennessee for the rest of my natural life! The only religious structure that could possibly parallel that is about 30 minutes north of U. of Maryland on the DC beltway. I've been told by some that it's Mormon temple and I've also heard rumors that it's a Baptist Church, but let's just say that it's a simplified version of the castle at Disneyland with a huge gold cross on top of the main steeple. I encourage anyone in the area to seek it out and then loathe it vehemently.
And to think I felt guilty for eating Haagen Dazs for breakfast this morning. I am feeling much better now. After reading this entry, I had to clutch desperately at one of my thick, absorbent, plush towels for security. America is scary!
Hybrid vehicles, including the Honda hybrid Civic and Insight and the Toyota Prius, are eligible for a one-time Federal tax deduction of up to $2,000 in 2003, even if it is used entirely for personal purposes. The deduction must be applied in the tax year in which the vehicle was purchased. In addition, you must be the original owner, and the deduction is allowed only for the first year of use. Under current law, this clean-fuel vehicle deduction will be phased out in tax years 2004 through 2006. This has been a public service announcement.
Emily - that is indeed a Mormon temple and is a perfect example of Ian's point that the Mormons are truly the premier purveyors of roadside religious symbols.
Ah, Slidell,
Chapel Hill's Jimbo Mathis of Metal Flake Mother and Squirrel Nut Zippers fame is from Slidell.
Lucinda Williams has a song about it too.
i really like that lucinda song.
i love you ian.