3/9/04
Man, is there anything Republicans get right? According to a study released today, kids who take that "virginity pledge" not to have sex until marriage will break that vow almost NINETY PERCENT OF THE TIME. Not only that, but these so-called "pledgers," wearers of those cheap-ass mall shitty "purity rings" bought for them by their fathers, are also more likely not to use any kind of protection, or seek help if they get a disease.
Why have Republicans been on the wrong side of history every time since the Civil War? Seriously, what makes them such control freaks? Do they actually believe they are going to stop gay people from getting married, and stop teens from fucking? Their sense of historical perspective is so WHACK that it beggars the imagination. As I said before, history views the restriction of basic human desire as a virus and works around it.
Teens fuck. That's what they do. The only person in America who was a virgin at 21 was ME. You can't look at teenage sex as an example of a nation gone soft, you have to see it as a foregone conclusion and then do everything you can to make sure they know what's what.
Oh, but your friendly neighborhood asshole Republican doesn't think so. He's not satisfied with ordaining your teen into sexual monkhood, he wants them to have no knowledge of STD's, pregnancy options, condom usage, or even the whereabouts of the clitoris. Blissfully, today's study has shown that the only result of this sort of thinking is a bunch of guilty kids at the Abercrombie store who have genital warts but don't know what the hell to do.
If I'm lucky enough to have children, I'm going to have diagrams of the vas deferens and the labia majora in their playrooms. They are going to know exactly what they're getting into, and I will never ask them to make promises I know they can't keep. If we do our job right, we won't need to. My daughters are going to fuck, bless their hearts, and by God, they're going to know what they're doing.
Not teaching children about sex, STDs, etc. is wrong. But the increase in things like 'oral sex rings' among middle schoolers and the pressure on kids to dress like Britney, etc. also sucks. Not all teens feel ready for sex...so why allow them to be made to feel like that's what they should be doing? I know plenty of guys who went through college without getting any - they just didn't happen to find a girlfriend. And they were too shy in high school. Why make them feel like there was something wrong with them?
Plenty of girls I knew got through without 'doing it' too - and this was only ten years ago. You weren't the only kid who was a virgin in college -- but see how society makes you feel crappy because you were?!?!?
You want to teach kids about sex, fine. I'm no Republican. But don't make them feel like shit if they're not ready for full-fledged 'fucking,' either. There are plenty of complications that go with it that we should make sure kids understand...
So what the hell do we do now?
http://www.theonion.com/news/index.php?i=1&n=3
In all seriousness, if you and Tessa have a baby girl and still stand by your last paragraph, let me know.
I want to be the "cool dad" as much as the next guy and prepare my daughter for the real world, but all your conceptions of parenting that you have pre-children pretty much get tossed out the window once a baby comes. I know mine did.
My whole view on Brittney, sex, TV, etc. completely changed on August 11, 2004.
Chuck
There was at least ONE more 21-year-old virgin in America, and I can tell you who it was! It was 1991, she bore a rather shocking physical resemblance to myself, and had the same social security number...
Lucky me, I got to take health class in high school after Bush started teaching abstinence in schools. After the presentation in class about abstaining from sex, no one seemed to change their opinions about doing the deed, but had learned nothing about protection, disease, etc. The worst part is that the speeches contained phrases like "your virginity is sacred" and "not having sex until marriage is the only way to keep from getting STDs or becoming pregnant." The first one has surprisingly religious overtones for a public school, and the second is SIMPLY NOT TRUE! But apparently, this is how the powers that be want it done...until November at least.
This is one of the funniest things I've read in a while. You caused much coffee to spurt out the many noses here at our office.
20+ year old virgins unite!
I had sex at 13, and basically ever since. The only thing my mom told me was to remember that a physical act has an inherent promise, and I believe she was quoting The Crucible.
Sex was so unbelievably casual when I was in high school that anyone who *didn't* want to have sex was still completely cool. You didn't pressure anyone to do more than they were comfortable with because it didn't feel like your last possible chance.
I don't suppose our puritanical bent is ever going to be straightened, but I can tell you that all of the cultural bullshit attached to sex is wrecking a lot of my friend's lives way more than pregnancy or STDs ever did.
Remember this?
Dear Attorney General Ashcroft,
...I am working on a book about abstinence programs in our public schools entitled 'Savin' It!'
In this day of rampant immorality,unwanted pregnancies, and dangerous sexual diseases, 'Savin' It!' will document how the Bush Administration is championing abstinence programs and setting the right example for America's youth.
The book's fourth chapter, 'Role Modelin' It!', will feature the personal stories of abstinence heroes for our nation's young people to emulate. Isn't it about time for our young people to have a chance to look up to leaders who truly walked the walk--instead of just talking the talk--by not having sex until they were married?
I would very much appreciate it if you could share your abstinence story. So far, I have received wonderful testimonies from HHS Secretary Tommy Thompson, William J. Bennett, White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer, Senator Rick Santorum, and National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice. (I'm still hoping to hear back from the President!)
I have found the kids respond best to total honesty. Don't be afraid to share a moment when you were tempted to have sex, but were able to overcome your urges through willpower and strength of character. Be funny! Did a young woman ever think you were a homosexual just because you wouldn't have sex with her? Be serious! Were you ever taunted and made to feel bad or 'uncool' because of your choice? But most of all, be real. Kids can sense a phony a mile away.
I can tell by your passionate advocacy of abstinence education that you will have a lot to offer this book. Thank you for considering my project. I hope you can find time to inspire the next generation of sex-free leaders.
Sincerely,
Al FrankenMy hero.
You once said I couldn't say anything to make you mad, but that would probably change if you knew what I thought of your statement "Teens fuck. That's what they do." Sure, the onset of puberty may produce some horny kids but telling them to go off and just fuck-away their teenagehoods then I think the flaming liberalism you preach has gone off the deep end. Ya know what- condoms break - kids/teens can get pregnant, kids can get HIV, and condoms don't prevent half of the STD's. Worse, telling teens it's ok to have sex before they are adults is pretty dangerous territory as far how they will view sex for the rest of their lives. Geezus they aren't monkeys! Wouldn't you want to help teach your kid to channel their energy into something else rather than fucking.
Dude:Let's be honest. Preach like that to your kids. Then they'll go spend a week in Utah with the Mormon cousins, and come back asking you to pay for their mission to Guatemala.
Your daughter is going to be Alexandra P. Keaton.
I do agree that abstinence only policies are not a good idea. We were talking about this at dinner. Most of us who went to public schools in the late '70s and early '80s seem to remember getting some form of sex ed in school. It's amazing how society has swung back sharply rightward in the last 25 years.
I finally got the chance to put my penis into another human being when I was a senior in high school. Her name was Lisa ********. Her father was a doctor and her mother was a successful paperback romance novelist. I used to drive to her house on those long winter nights on eastern Long Island and we’d screw our brains out in her room while her parents were downstairs watching Masterpiece Theater.
She ended up breaking my heart when I went off to Chapel Hill. She went to UPenn. I actually flew up to Philly unannounced in early September because I thought she sounded “distant” on the phone. I knocked on her dorm room door and some dude was sitting on her bed. “What are you doing here?” she asked. I didn’t answer. I just flagged a cab back to the airport and took the next plane back to Carolina.
Yep, that "sex" is powerful stuff.
A combination Blake-Williams who's young and knows how to fuck? Mind if I set up a tent outside the Columbia-Greene Medical Center's delivery room? I'd love to call you "Mom and Dad."
Chuck, you're going to be Superdad anyway.
Steph- You didn't read what I wrote! I didn't say I was going to tell my teens to "fuck away their teenagehoods," I am simply going to BE REALISTIC and tell them everything they need to know. I am not going to stick my head in the sand. You're beginning to sound like Ann Coulter!
Of course, she called Democrats sexless, but that's another story.
i think i have a crush on ann coulter....
i'm sorry ian.
Ian - you weren't being specific to your own future kids when you said "Teens fuck that's what they do". Nothing in that paragraph mentions your preferred method of raising your kids. It looks like a comment on how society is or that it is something society should accept - this doesn't anger me so much as it worries and saddens me to think we should give the green light to teens in that respect. Feel free to email me to discuss this further. I am not trying to fight with you but it was a bold statement you made and I couldn't fester here in my tiny office and sit on my hands. Btw, I had to google "Ann Coulter". Nah, I don't think so- I don't have a problem with Clinton. But I have been thinking lately that pro-choice is one the least empowering rights women fight for!