March 28, 2004
zygotes and syzygy
3/28/04
So it's time for that talk again, the one where we decide whether or not we're going to have kids right now. The truth is this: people have kids all the time, we certainly wouldn't be the first – not even among our friends – and everyone survives it. We've been heartened by those folks in the Industry who have raised gorgeous, excellent 2-year-olds and still manage to have their freedom and their artistic self-actualization.
I'm going to write something down that I thought I would never say in my life: I'm beginning to believe that artistic success is largely arbitrary. There is no "cream rises" or "hard work will get it done" – there is simply Who You Know and possibly Good Luck working for you. This has been one of the most depressing revelations of the last few years, and those of you who have been reading since the heady days of 2001 will know it was a long time coming.
Perhaps in the past, being good actually got you something. I would imagine the finest smithy in Wales was sought out by kings in order to make good armor. Even now, being the best guy to do LASIK surgery will get you an international client list and a booked schedule four years into the future. But there are just too many people trying to make movies and television; as our producer said, "the executives have seen so much product that they will leave the moment you repeat yourself." Use of the word "product" was not lost on me.
What does this have to do with kids? Put simply, there are two aspects of life that used to give me meaning: chasing tail, and being excited about a career. Now that I'm married to one of the greatest people on earth - and now that I have begun to understand that success in my chosen profession is a crap shoot - I have lost my mooring. More and more, my mind keeps coming back to the one thing that is incontrovertible in this world: the act of bringing another soul into it.
Now, don't get me wrong. I assume I will be stuck with this:
That's me in 1968, making life miserable for everyone around me. By all accounts, I was one of the worst babies ever born, with veins full of vinegar, always hurting, screaming at the top of my lungs, refusing to sleep, and generally being such a fucking devil-spawn that certain aunts and uncles still can't take me seriously. In keeping the tradition, I just know that any child of mine will be as bad, or worse. Tessa and I will likely claw our faces off. But it will be real. It will exist. It will be something we can hold, love and know.
I used to think you "got old" by refusing to bend with the times, by showing contempt for new things before you had the chance to investigate them. I thought you got old by becoming more conservative, losing your passion, getting bad knees, losing collagen in your face. Now I know that you get old by confronting your powerlessness in the face of luck.
Posted by irw at March 28, 2004 11:38 PMI always feel like a dime store guidance counsellor when I read these posts. I wanna say you worry too much but I am thinking that would have been like telling Charles Schultz he doodled about kids too much. So - have kids and move through the unluck to make it an asset.
Hi Ian. Guess what? You just reached the last stage of analysis that I went through right before my husband and I took the plunge and decided to have a baby. I was always of the mind-set that my career would be the real key to my self-actualization. First comes law school, then comes a great career as an attorney, yada yada yada. The reality is that no matter how hard you work or how wonderful your work product is, you are always at the mercy of other forces (corporate downsizing, toxic co-workers, lay-offs) -- no matter if you work for the Man or work for Yourself. The law field is particularly heartless and capricious (big surprise!) I have seen too many people pour blood, sweat and tears into their work/firm/company, only to be unceremoniously booted for a variety of miscellaneous reasons. In the end, the little piece of immortality that you create in your family outlasts everything else -- work, career, academic success.
By the way, if, by chance, your little one ends up to be full of vinegar as well, you will be well-equipped to help him through the quagmire of childhood issues, because you have "be there, done that." You may very well be pleasantly surprised by an even-tempered, sleep-through-the-night happy little baby! And then you will worry about why nothing seems to be wrong with him!
Go for it! Take care.
If that's you in 1968 we're both about 37 -38, and I'll assume Tessa the same. I love this blog and the fact that I'm not the only one who had the "talk" much before deciding when to have a child. Mark and I met young and were married at 23 & 25. We had time to finish school, meet real life with all it's ups downs and "realities" and then shortly after our tenth anniversary we had our daughter Lauren. She's the love of our lives and I can't imagine life with out her, but i'm glad I waited until I was "ready". If your both of the same age, your careers are established, your happy with the state of your lives - ready you are. It will be the best project you've ever created or developed. And the production is a long one, min. 18 years, more likely the rest of your life. And best of all, you get to be a kid again all over...and I mean this in the most positive way. And your family, near or far there is nothing like a new family member to get everyone giddy with joy.
By the way, the Canadian euphamism for the question you are mulling is whether to "pull the goalie."
Another reason for you two to have a kid: When he or she grows up, he or she will just one more force doing some good into the world and fighting evil.
Hmmm...now I'm thinking selfishly about it. If you have a kid, this blog will become All About the Kid. OK, OK, maybe not...I'll have faith.
Simple really,
as another redheaded Tar Heel with 2 young boys, all I can say is that the world needs more redheaded Tar Heels.
also as my friend Dave says - one of the best things about kids is making them.
Hey Ian. I don't know if Salem told you, but I am about 8 weeks into baking my own little Tar Heel. The enormity of what lies ahead of us doesn't compare to the feelings of joy and excitement. James and I are making a family. How amazing that we get to do that.
Love to you and Tessa,
Katie
There's luck, but there's also how easily one gets beaten down by failures and setbacks. All things equal, a more resilient person gets more rolls of the dice. He or she just eats the shit and rolls again.
Ian,
For me, all personal success was eclipsed by becoming a father. Because (as you point out) personal career success or failure in ANY field can be so arbitrary, I realized I didn't want that to define who I was. Now, I'm a dad. Period.
I also thought that the ultimate "non-drug" drug was the feeling of being on stage in front of 1000s of people and making them laugh. I know this sounds cornball, but that feeling doesn't compare to a "Daddy, I love you" from your child.
Parenting is the ultimate struggle but also the ultimate reward.
In other words, GET BUSY WITH THE "GETTIN' BUSY"!
I agree with CL! If you have a baby, please don't replace entries like the "anthropomorphic shapes of the US" and "my very, very silly resume" with such kid-centric entries like "Baby has not had a bowel movement in 2 days - is this normal?"
My guess is the gene for disagreeable infant is recessive so that Tessa'a charm and graciousness gene would cancel it out and you'd have a well-behaved infant. And if not, at least your aunts and uncles will have a good laugh.If you do have a kid soon I'll take some credit for responding with the "At Weaver Street Market, with their strollers" line.
I also think you guys have more kid-friendly careers than most and have your collective act as together as it can be before embarking on this sort of thing.
Rhonda - I'm 36, Tessa's 34, hence there's that whole "YOUR FERTILITY PLUMMETS AT 35!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" thing we have to endure.
And yes, folks, I'm aware of what happens to a bloggist when they have a baby. It's almost as bad as those knitting blogs. But hey, maybe we're both infertile and you'll be spared.
Yep, success in the arts is arbitrary. But ditto Andy--"career ambition twharting, where is thy sting?" Zaid and I were playing one day, and he came across a picture of me. He picked it up, said, "Daddy", and gave it a kiss. Why in the world would I care about anything else?
Before our son was born I worked long ours and got very stressed about work. I honestly can't remember why anymore. Now It's just a way to make money so I could make his life better. Don't stress too much about fertiltiy in the 30's - we had our first when my wife was 35 and all's well. Modern science and clean living (Tessa, at least) will see that your child is healthy enough to scream bloody murder and wake you with the sun every morning - like it or not.