xtcian

Sadly enough I believe a certain percentage of the population is just struggling with themselves and surviving... Another percentage while educated and successful, maybe even fun - they're just assholes. Then there are those who simply did not learn their manners... "so, did you ask dick & jane how their vacation was?" "no, didn't come up" "why didn't ask about the trip" "I figure if they wanted me to know they'd tell me" " you're kidding right?"

it's amazing to me that the not asking questions phenomenon is often a symptom of insecurity or shyness. people get so nervous to say *something*, hoping that they will come across ok, that they just talk, instead of actually conversing, which requires listening, too. also, to ask questions of others is a form of intimacy - and so much conversation, it seems to me, is done to avoid intimacy.

i once had the experience of being on a silent retreat for five days with a group of about 30 people. it was incredibly uncomfortable to be with people - eat at the same table, sit in the same room - and say nothing. it made me feel incredibly naked and vulnerable. but after those 5 days, i felt unbelievably close to the others, even though no conversation had happened at all. this adds to my feeling that often we talk to keep others at a distance...

I'm pretty sure you got the same social lectures from Mom and Dad that I got. It was even pretty gender specific, it's a man's job to create conversation by asking women about their lives. It's weird to think about, but I got it from both of them at separate times.

I actually got really good romance advice from everyone in our family, which is weird since our family was pretty bad at romance until you and I made out way through the late 80s.

The nice thing I've discovered is if you wait for that moment, if you say nothing, then when you finally say it, people freak out. When, after half an hour of someone talking about their career as a musician, they finally ask me what I do, I love the look on their face when I tell them.

You know who you are. Who cares if anyone else does? Let 'em talk, they're just gonna yammer on about their supposed conquests and accomplishments that, had then been anything significant, you would already know about.

I wonder if this phenomenon is more central to LA, where everyone has a project they are desperate to sell.

Note to job interviewees: you know that time at the end of the interview when we ask you "so, is there anything you would like to know about our company?" We're not just being polite: we're seeing if you're a curious and social person. If you say "no, I don't think so" then you appear to us to be a non-curious and/or non-social person, and you will likely not get hired.

As far as I know, I've been offered any job I've ever interviewed for. This is not because I'm unusually talented or qualified, but simply, I think, because I showed an interest in the job.

Having viewed this as one of my least attractive qualities (but really, there are so many worthy candidates), please let me answer for at least some of the "I, I, I" people. Some weird form of reserve makes me think that asking anything more than name/rank/how do you know our hostess is being intrusive. Since I kind of hate when people get overly intimate in a conversation too early, I assume that other people feel the same way. Or, if I start asking the big questions, they might start thinking that I want to answer them. So, I start a bit of blather about me. I'm not talking long-term friendships here, I'm talking party chat.
But, I'm working on it.

That's nice. Did I tell you about what my son did yesterday?

Okay, here's my question:

1) Why are you always late?

That's all.

Seriously, though, I also have the habit of asking others questions, and I think it's because I have a pathological aversion to talking about myself. So I'm not going to say anymore.

Hi.. I guess you ask questions b/c of the reporter in you. I am always the person that asks the questions. I started being the question asker a number of years ago when i moved out of town and I missed my friends. So, when i hooked up with them, i would ask them alot of stuff about what was going on as I was just "trying to catch up."
I noticed that the friends that were around all the time were listening intently to the answers as they had no idea what was going on either. So, I continue to ask away and it really saves me a lot of worry b/c I never run out of conversation.. I just ask. k

I was interested to read the comment above that jabbering away without asking questions can come from insecurity. I suppose insecurity comes in 31 flavors. I had been thinking that needing to be asked comes from insecurity. At least for me, I think my reticence to hold forth without prompting comes from a subconscious worry that my audience won't be interested and/or will feel imposed upon (am I boring you all?). Ironically, probably like a lot of people, often it puts me at ease when someone I meet discloses things about his or herself without prompting.

BTW, Ian, I notice too when people don't ask me about myself, and it makes me resentful too.

Ulp. I am SO guilty of this. I am a really bad question-asker in social situations. I think for me, it stems from two things: First, I'm a psychologist, so I spend a good portion of my work days asking questions and being nosy, and I find that in my non-working time, I prefer to just discover the things about people that they feel moved to share. I am usually more intrigued by what people feel ready to tell me about themselves (at first at least) than in spending time asking probing questions. Second, I am one of those "me-centered, narcissitic, ex-drama nerds," who enjoys talking about myself. So I don't need much encouragement to go ahead and share things about myself (you have likely experienced this already just by reading my blog comments). I have found that I'm generally drawn towards other people who share a lot without a whole lot of prompting. The conversation flows easily and I find out interesting things without having to chase or lure them to reveal things. So I am much more easily drawn to chatty, interesting people than I am to quiet, shy (but no doubt interesting) people who need a lot of invitations to share more. When I encounter someone who needs a lot of questions in order to share the interesting details of their life, it feels like a lot of work. I'm not saying this is one of my better qualities. But it's the truth.

I hope this doesn't make people self-conscious about posting self-referential comments here - as I said, I'm always interested.

I'm sorry I attached the off-putting word "resentment" to your complaint. I think I wouldn't have if I thought you were in any danger of alienating people. This blog makes you the kind of person who "discloses things about his or herself without prompting"...which is probably one reason you have so many fans.

This is a phenomena in my life. So FEW people ask questions that I hardly notice any more. I don't know how many times I've been telling my mom about someone I met and then immediately discarded because they wouldn't ask questions. That may seem harsh, but I mean discarded in a potential romantic way. I've remained friends with some who seem allergic to speaking sentences that go up at the end. But it is the first and final turnoff when I meet a man. I don't know how many times I got through a first date or first meeting (and last) by asking 20 questions just to keep the time filled until i could get away. It's a terribly sad feeling when you are talking to someone and half an hour later you know his entire childhood and all he knows about you is that you have big boobs. It's just depressing, and sadly the norm. I'm just not tolerant of it anymore.

I have a friend who insists that dialogue is not the way you get to know people. He says that how people feel around each other is much more important. I think that is all well and good, but then why do I know everything about every ex-girlfriend he's ever had, but he doesn't know the names of my brothers? I mean, come on.

I hear you Ian- I try to avoid the one-way conversationalist because that bores the hell out of me. I see a lot of those folk at the animal shelter. The worst part about it is that they don't stop talking about themselves or their dead pets to let anyone get a word in.

As for you, perhaps you don't get questions often asked to you is because you give a lot of information about yourself in your blog or in other indirect ways. People who have read your movie reviews, 13th Gen and just being around you feel as though they already know you and therefore, no questions need to be asked?

Lastly, I prefer people who like to have conversations, not ask questions about people. Hopefully within intersting conversations, you learn more about people without asking the "Are You Happy" question.