April 05, 2004
ding-dong the dookies are dead
4/5/04
I have never won a contest in my life. I have attended many raffles, scratched lottery cards, joined several Field Day celebrations at my prep school where 95% of the entrants won at least something, and yet I have never brought home the bacon ever. When I go to Vegas, the town salivates; my luck is so bad that people gather around me just to watch. Until this year, I had won only one bet in Las Vegas: my brother's ex-wife bet me that I would win at least ONE SPIN OUT OF FIFTY on the slot machine, AND I DIDN'T. At the Cat's Cradle benefit in 1997, there were 14 door prizes, and 15 of us were in the audience. Guess who didn't win anything.
This galloping stream has recently begun to change course, beginning with a break-even night at the Harrah's in New Orleans (for my bachelor party) and then my karma-be-damned wager that Carolina would beat the spread against Air Force a few weeks ago. And now tonight, with the University of Connecticut's victory over Georgia Tech in the NCAA final, I have won a basketball pool consisting of 35-40 great guys who went to UNC with me. It's so bizarre that I almost have "survivor's guilt" about winning.
In many ways, this year's Final Four was deeply satisfying; I have always had clandestine affection for Georgia Tech, and UConn won me some money. But nothing could have been better than Dook University's historic collapse at the end of Saturday's game - I was in Las Vegas when it happened, and I swear to god you could feel the town listing to one side as soon as the buzzer sounded. The bookies were happy because Duhon's last-second bullshit prayer at the buzzer allowed Dook to beat the spread. The rest of the country - except for moron bandwagon fans at the Durham Walmart - jumped in jubilation that the evil fires of Koach K's private Mordor had been extinguished.
Watching that assmunch in the post-game press conference provided psychological insight into the face of a modern-day Narcissus so fixated on his own success that he can barely provide room for the rest of the world. Sure, Roy Williams said "shit" on national TV a year ago because he lacks an "edit" function, but Koach K is a tightly-wound, cancerous mess of resentment, profanity, and the toxic combination of a control freak with a thinly-veiled persecution complex.
His assistant koaches - Chrissy Collins, Wojo and Johnny Dawkins - are all sprouting the same devil-etched furrowed brow and perma-crease between the eyes, from years of hurling epithet-laced invective at the referees, students who dare question the boss (see Chronicle, 1990) and occasionally, their own players. Dook's stunning lack of success in the pro leagues is further proof that negative reinforcement provides short-term results (5 ACC championships, etc.) but proves disastrous in the long-term (only two Dook players IN HISTORY have an NBA ring - see comments).
One can only hope that this is the beginning of the end for these bastards. No doubt they will be formidable every few year or so, but I think the jig is up. Too many people have caught on. Dook has lost, and the world has righted itself.
Next up: George W. Bush!
Posted by irw at April 5, 2004 11:32 PMyou've been away from ACC ball too long.. I hate Dook as much as the next, but they ain't going away anytime soon. Wishful thinking I guess. It seems the ACC thinking is starting to shift away from ABC. It lately has been ABCD, but now I think it has solidly become ABD.
I think Reilly should give you the back page this week...
If the Iraqi resistance ever puts up a basketball team, you might consider subbing for Tariq Asiz as spokesman. Clearly the "mother-of-all" formula is dead, but you're curdling blood without it.
Coach K is a big Republican. He held a fund-raiser at Dook for Elizabeth Dole when she was running for Senate in 2002.
There can never be enough anti-K writing out there. Thanks.
One minor edit - Ferry is the only Koach K coached dookie to get an NBA ring. There was another pre-K dookie that got one back in the late 70's or 80's. I can't remember his name...
Jeff Mullins is the other dookie with an NBA ring.
Thank you, Google!!
NBA rings - I believe UNC alums have 33, dook now has 2. Congrats on the pool win, I had Kansas beating UConn in the final, I overestimated Pitt and underestimated Xavier, otherwise I'd have been in the money. Didn't know your luck was so bad, next time you're in the north country, come on by for some poker.
First thing this morning, I get an email from a friend wondering why I haven't had any commentary yet, this was my reply:
alright already...I really have no problem with UConn winning - (a) I think they really were the best team in country and if you played the
tourney over again 10 times, they'd still win it 5 more times. I was happy for Tech to get there, but the game was missing a key element for me - the bad guys and (b) well, I have no (b) right now.I was so giddy after UConn beat Dook that everybody at the tavern thought I was drunk, but that wasn't til later I think. To me, UConn is
much like Arizona - good clean program, good kids, nice coach. UConn was easy to root against when Kalid El-Amin was running the point, but Okafor just exudes class and is the embodyment of all that is good about college hoops.Next year the Big East and the ACC will both be sick - each ACC teams picks up a bunch of free wins from the new guys and will finally
get 7 teams and the Big East cuts some dead weight and picks up some teams on the rise.this is about the most depressing day of the year for me - no more hoops til november. Meanwhile in the McDonalds All American game JR Smith is popping 3's from 30 feet. I also don't have to listen on a daily basis to all the fools on TV who say that JJ RedDick is the best shooter in america, or at least pure shooter. WTF does that mean anyway? White? Pure shooter my ass. He wasn't the #1 shooter in the ACC and wasn't even top 10 in the country, over the last month
he's shot about 30% from 3 range. Just goes to show you how much coach K has people like Dookie Vitale in his replacement hip pocket.
Can we please have the NCAA make a ruling on Maguettegate and strip dook of the final 4 he was in? And can we get a watch on how long until Duhon's mom is fired from her cushy job of the last 4 years? And how about SheWill's rape case, is this ever going to make news? Relationships my ass.Back to UConn - even though they were quiet this year, I'd put them down as one of the best teams in recent history - total balance inside and out. Okafor plays like he's 7' or more - I didn't see anybody who could even challenge him this year - and smart too, can't draw him
outside seemingly ever. Then you've got Gordon and Anderson and it seems like one of the two will go 5/6 on threes in the first half of any
game. Solid point guard (much better than freakin Duhon, the little wus). How the Hell did Boone end up not playing for an ACC school -
the kid is tremendous. Charlie V is still a big time hot dog and will continue to give back half the points he scores to the other team with
boneheaded plays.There. and so in parting (and this came from the radiology/oncology
department at dook):> >Two boys in Raleigh were playing basketball when one of them was
> >attacked by a rabid Rottweiler.
> >
> >Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped a board off a nearby fence,
> >wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking the dog's
> neck.
> >
> >
> >A newspaper reporter from the News & Observer witnessed the incident
> and
> >rushed over to interview the boy.
> >
> >The reporter began entering data into his laptop, beginning with the
> >headline: "Brave Young Heels Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious
> >Animal."
> >
> >"But I'm not a Heels fan," the little hero interjected.
> >
> >"Sorry," replied the reporter. "But since we're in North Carolina, I
> >just assumed you were."
> >
> >Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again, "NC State Fan
> Rescues
> >Friend From Horrific Dog Attack."
> >
> >"But I'm not! a State fan either," the boy responds.
> >
> >The reporter says, "I assumed everybody in this state was either for
> the
> >Heels or the Wolfpack. What team do you root for?"
> >
> >I'm a Duke fan," the boy says.
> >
> >Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again, "Arrogant Little
> >Yankee Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet."
Like you, Ian, I never win bets. However, I use this to my advantage. I bet on Dook to win, knowing I will lose, so they'll lose. Even if they win, it's a form of private insurance.
This worked to PERFECTION with Dook/UConn. I had a friend in Vegas and I asked him to bet on Dook to win the whole shebang. Believing in my bad karma (employed strategically), Dook went on to lose. I called him to thank him, and it turned out he didn't make the bet--so my belief generated the result, Dook lost, AND I SAVED FIFTY BUCKS!
It was truly the perfect night.
If I may comment on a comment. I was wondering what Kevin meant by the ACC shifting from "ABC to ABD." Is that a shift from Carolina to Dook?
And though I hate some things about Dookie V, I think his love & enthusiasm for the game overshadows the fact that he has personal interests in liking Dook. Not to mention that last night as they were going to commercial and talking about next year, they asked Vitale who should be #1 and he said to look no further than Chapel Hill.
Paul - "ABC" stands for "Anybody But Carolina" but now people tend to pull for "Anybody But Duke" [sic].
I hate to be a stickler, but technically you won something when you won the bet with your sister in law that you wouldn't win at the slots. It's philosophically dense, but suffice to sya the losing streak has been broken. And Dook sucks.
Another thought about "Dookie V." --
Sure, he loves Dook, but remember, he LOVES EVERYBODY! If I heard him say it once, I heard him say it a thousand times in the leadup to the NCAA Tournament, he thought CAROLINA was going to the Final Four! Convinced! Certain! Too much talent! They can hang with anybody! Bay-bee! And that reminds me, I was having dinner with Oklahoma's Kelvin Sampson last night -- now there's a class individual! And speaking of Oklahoma hoops, what about Eddie Sutton?!? A true champion, a hall of famer, bay-bee! And let me tell you about Phil Martelli! I know my buddy Billy Packer doubted him, but I just LOVE what that guy has done with Jameer Nelson and all those kids at St. Joe's! Hey Phil - Get me a cheesesteak, Bay-bee!Hell, Dickie V. once even called CHIP a CLASS ACT, Bay-bee!
Vitale annoys the hell out of me and while it is true that he's everybody's cheerleader, that's part of what has made him a rich man - I fully admit he played a significant role in March Madness becoming such a huge phenomenon.
Listen to him do some games from the early 80s on ESPN Classic - he was downright reasonable and hadn't turned into the parody of the person he is today. With his whole cheerleader persona, he HAD to find something he didn't like, and he won't come down on anything significant that might endanger any of his relationships, so he has chosen the held ball/possession arrow rule and 'the thing' that is wrong with college hoops. Give me a freakin break - a jump ball was a worse rule and he offers no better solution.
Do you remember the story from the ACC Tourney 2 years ago when he didn't know David Thompson and about 6 hours later was extolling his virtues and considering him a great friend - ugh, so phony and annoying.
My solution is simple - if ESPN/ABC wants to have cheerleaders doing the broadcasts, then fine, it might even be a good idea - imagine a UNC/Dook game being called by a good play-by-play man and then having 2 color commentators - one a Tar Heel and one a Dookie - it could be really good. It could also be mayhem. I would like to nominate myself for the job.