April 28, 2004

nothing rhymes with "depth"



Yesterday's entry spurred comments that eventually devolved into a debate about terrible lyrics, rather than the god-awfulness of pop songs themselves. I've talked about lyrics before (click here for a well-arranged laundry list on the subject) but this recent chatter has reminded me of another litany I wrote in 1989: My Least Favorite Song Lyrics.

Making a list like this was harder than you think, because most lyrics are supposed to be bad. I'd like to see Blender try it. Again, keep in mind that this is me, at age 21, writing 15 years ago:

Least-Favorite Song Lyrics

10. "All I Need" Jack Wagner
This may be a chance we're taking
But it always comes to this
If this isn't love we're making
Then I don't know what it is

9. "I Can't Hold On" Squeeze
She'd like to dance, but not this minute
She's the fish I'd like to filet

[ed. note: "minute" and "filet" are made to rhyme]

8. "Slide it In" - Whitesnake
I know what you want, I can see what you're looking for
I know what you want from me, an' I'm gonna give you more
I'm going to slide it in
Right to the top.
Slide it in;
I ain't never gonna stop.

7. "Horse With No Name" America
There were plants and birds and rocks and things
There were sand and hills and rain
You see I've been to the desert on a horse with no name
It felt good to be out of the rain
In the desert, you can't remember your name
'Cuz there ain't no one for to give you no pain

6. "(You Make Me Feel Like A) Natural Woman" Aretha Franklin
When my soul was in the lost and found
You came along to claim it.

5. "Save a Prayer" Duran Duran
Some people call it a one-night stand
But we can call it paradise.

4. "Manic Monday" The Bangles
It's just another manic Monday
Wish it were Sunday
'Cuz that's my fun-day
My I-don't-have-to-run day.

3. "Got Me Where You Want Me" The Romantics
Little girl, yer such a tease
Every time ya aim to please
Checkin' out the other fellas
Ya made me mad, ya make me jealous.

2. "Love Gun" Kiss
I really love you baby, I love what you've got
Let's get together, we can... get hot!
No more tomorrow baby, no place to run
You pull the trigger on my love gun.

1. "Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car" Billy Ocean
repeat title ad nauseum

Again, I believe this litany has stood the test of time. But there have to be plenty of ghastly lyrics that YOU, fair reader, can provide. Like even something from this decade! Any takers?

Posted by irw at April 28, 2004 11:15 PM
Posted by: Caroline at April 29, 2004 5:23 AM

Sgt. Barry Sadler.
"Ballad of the Green Berets."
Worst. Song. EVAH.
My apologies if your dad was a green beret, but even he probably puked when he heard this one.

Posted by: CL at April 29, 2004 5:35 AM

War is stupid
And people are stupid
And love means nothing
In some strange quarters
War is stupid
And people are stupid
And I heard them banging
On hearts and fingers


so hold on to the ones who really care,
In the end they'll be the only ones there.
When you get old and start losing your hair,
Can you tell me who will still care?
Can you tell me who will still care? Oh care.
MMMBop, ba duba dop ba do bop,
Ba duba dop ba do bop,
Ba duba dop ba do. Oh yeah,
MMMBop ba duba dop ba do bop,
Ba duba dop ba do bop,
Ba duba dop ba do

But since the latter may have been written by 14-year-olds, it might get a pass.

Posted by: m at April 29, 2004 5:47 AM

"D.I.S.C.O." by Ottowan.

Maybe I was too young when this song came out, but I managed to live my whole life unaware by this musical crime until earlier this year when it turned up on some worst videos of all time countdown that I got sucked into watching when I was hungover one day. (Why it didn't make #1 is still a mystery to me. Almost as big a mystery as why someone spent money, admittedly not much, making a video for this shlock-fest.)

The lyrics are so appallingly dumb they defy description: it's a woman describing another woman who is, apparently, "disco" (which I'd never heard used an adjective), and then she comes up with other words that start with the letters of disco while these baritones repeat "She is" at the beginning of each line. (Example: "She is S. Supersexy. She is C. Such a cutie.") Except they can't think of any good words that start with "O" apparently, so when they get to that letter, it's just "oh, oh, oh." Oh, oh, oh my, it's just god-awful. Worst song, worst lyrics, worst video, yuck.

Complete lyrics: http://www.seeklyrics.com/lyrics/Ottawan/D-I-S-C-O.html

And just in case you're interested in what it sounds like, apparently, you can visit this site where you can actually download it to be your cellphone ringtone. Why ANYONE would pay for this is another mystery.... http://www.advancedringtones.co.uk/ottowan_d.i.s.c.o_polyphonic-ringtone_n.htm

Posted by: Chris at April 29, 2004 6:06 AM

Don't even THINK about dissin' Aretha!

Posted by: Wayne at April 29, 2004 6:22 AM

My personal favorite bad lyrics didn't make the list. Here is my number 1:

Roxette Joyride

"She has a train going downtown
She's got a club on the moon
And she's telling all her secrets
In a wonderful balloon

She's the heart of the funfair
She's got me whistling her private tune

And it all begins where it ends
And she's all mine, my magic friend

She says: Hello, you fool, I love you
Come on join the joyride
Join the joyride."

Posted by: scvecc at April 29, 2004 6:29 AM

Kelis' Milkshake is fairly recent (2003) proof that bad lyrics aren't all owned by the 80's.

My milk shake brings all the boys to the yard,
and they're like,
its better than yours,
damn right its better than yours,
i can teach you,
but i have to charge

I know you want it,
the thing that makes me,
what the guys go crazy for.
They lose their minds,
the way i wind,
i think its time

Posted by: Daniel Burka at April 29, 2004 6:48 AM

"Space Cowboy" Steve Miller Band
I really like your peaches
Wanna shake your tree

Posted by: Steven Garrity at April 29, 2004 6:52 AM

Now I have Billy Ocean stuck in my head. Thanks.

Posted by: Sean at April 29, 2004 7:18 AM

fillet does sort of rhyme with minute if you're from england. I know from watching the Naked Chef.

If you get on board with Hip-Hop, bad lyrics start sounding awesome. Eminem is so amazing because he stretches words in to fitting that shouldn't, technically these are bad lyrics:

All the pain inside amplified by the fact that I can't provide the right type of life for my family 'cause man, these goddam foodstamps don't buy diapers, And it's no movie, there's no Mekhi Phiffer, this is my life. And these times are so hard, and it's gettin' even harder tryin' to feed and water my family, plus caught up between bein' a father and a prima donna...

None of that rhymes on paper the way it does in the song. So awesome.

Posted by: Carla S. at April 29, 2004 7:41 AM

I feel kind of bad saying this, he's one of the better performers to come out in the last 10 years, but Pete Yorn has some of the dumbest lyrics known to the millennium. Take these for example:

From "Closet"

"I'm walking around your closet. I want you to say my name again"

From "Burrito"
"Do you wanna take a walk outside
If you want a burrito
You can have another bite of mine"

(Cuz nothing says love like a burrito)

From "Black"
I am just for you,
As you are not for me
So even if you stop,
You’re sitting here by yourself,
You can never try to answer anymore,
You can never start
And see what you’re doing to me.

HUH? Is there something deeper to these lyrics and I'm missing it?

Posted by: cl at April 29, 2004 7:41 AM

Eminem is brilliant.

But not Salt-n-Pepa:

You put up with my butt
When I wouldn't give it up
Yeah, I know that really sucks
But if you wait awhile, I'll make it up

Posted by: cullen at April 29, 2004 7:54 AM

I love myself
I want you to love me
When I'm feeling down
I want you above me
I search myself
I want you to find me
I forget myself
I want you to remind me
I don't want anybody else
When I think about you I touch myself
I don't want anybody else
Oh no, oh no, oh no
You're the one who makes me come honey
You're the sun who makes me shine
When you're around I'm always laughing
I want to make you mine
I close my eyes
And see you before me
Think I would die
If you were to ignore me
A fool could see
Just how much I adore you
I get down on my knees
Id do anything for you
I dont want anybody else
When I think about you I touch myself
I dont want anybody else
Oh no, oh no, oh no
I want you
I don't want anybody else
And when I think about you I touch myself
Ooh, oooh, oooooh, aaaaaah

Man, this shit is TOO easy

Posted by: Brent at April 29, 2004 7:59 AM

We don't have to take our...clothes off
To have a good time....ohhh no
We can dance and party....all night
And drink some cherry wine....ohh yeah

Posted by: rhonda at April 29, 2004 8:26 AM

From the 70's - "I honestly love you", "Behind closed doors", "you are so beautiful to me"... close the door and please make that music go away. I've got a love/hate thing with ONJ. I too think we remember lyrics/music because there is some connection. My parents listed to the above crap when I was young, but they also enjoyed the beatles and my daughter can sing "yellow submarine". My father thought it was a riot that the lyrics to Mac Author park cracked me up. Whats not to love "oooh noo! I left the cake out in the rain, I don't think I can take it cause it took so long to bake it.." I was thinking it was Ronstadt - was Donna Summers. "Jerimia was a bullfrog was a good friend of mine" and "so bye-bye, Miss American Pie..." great lyrics. But back to the bad... country truly gets a bad rap. I've been listening to my husbands summary of country for years..."my horse just died..twang, my wife left me, my kids hate me... i'm just gonna go kick the dog." Yet Saturday night I was in a room with grown men and while they were drunk, they were still singing along to "we'll put a boot up your ass" - song ends and they try to tell me it was not a country song. You're either in or your out people. This was fun, but these list are work!

Posted by: Alan at April 29, 2004 9:01 AM

"Beelzabub has a devil set aside for me" was for a long time the winner for dumb line before the resanctification of Queen by Wayne's World.

I hold "I Touch Myself", which is shamed above, in the highest esteem. When was it? 1990? Along with "Turning Japanese" by the Vapours (around 1979) "Welcome to the Working Week" by Elvis Costello (from 1977), it is one of the great pop tunes about masterbation.

Posted by: g at April 29, 2004 10:03 AM

"Lucky that my breasts are small and humble,
So you don't confuse them with mountains."

-- Shakira, Wherever (or whatever that song is called -- I had to listen to it several times before confirming that those are, in fact, the words)

Posted by: Annie at April 29, 2004 10:16 AM

Don't think...sorry's easily said
Don't cry...turn the tables instead
You've taken lots of chances before
but I ain't gonna give anymore, don't ask me
cause that's how it goes,
when part of me knows
what you're thinkin

I am the eye in the sky, looking at yooooouuuu
I can read your mind
I am the maker of rules, dealing with foooools
I can cheat you blind
And I don't need to see anymore
to know that

I can read your mind (looking at yooooouuuu)
I can read your mind....

The Allan Parsons Project
(also should be on the worst songs ever list)

Posted by: Just Andrew at April 29, 2004 12:00 PM

First comes the really freaky thing. I haven't thought of the name Alan Parsons in probably 15 years and as I was reading Annie's post, one of my employees started playing an mp3 that sounded familiar - Gold Bug by Alan Parsons - too freakin wierd, off to buy a lottery ticket now...

As to lyrics - someone yesterday mentioned Bon Jovi, which made me think of one of their power ballads that starts with:
"I'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride"
ugh, just typing that makes me want to wretch.
For that matter most of those power ballads by any hair band qualifies - what was the one about a rose? Something by Poison maybe? Most of the lipstick and dipstick bands showed they had the emotional range of a 12 year old with those ballads.

Aaaaand - I gotta stick by my hatred of Steely Dan - in fact one of the first things my wife and I bonded on 10 years ago was the fact that we both hate mushrooms and Steely Dan, she also thought Exile on Main Street and specifically 'Sweet Virginia' were the best things the Stones ever did, so I married her.

Posted by: Steven Garrity at April 29, 2004 12:09 PM

"Damn! I wish I was your lover."

Posted by: Daniel Burka at April 29, 2004 12:13 PM

Ah, and how could I have forgotten the romantic rhymes of the stellar Ginuwine in "Pony". The following is an excerpt with some of the sweetest lines:

If your horny, Let's do it
Ride it, My Pony
My saddle's waiting
Come and jump on it

Sitting here flossing
Peeping your steelo
Just once if I have the chance
The things I will do to you
You and your body
Every single portion
Send chills up and down you spine
Juices flowing down your thigh

If your horny, Let's do it
Ride it, My Pony
My saddle's waiting
Come and jump on it

If your horny, Let's do it
Ride it, My Pony
My saddle's waiting
Come and jump on it

If we're gonna get nasty, Baby
First we'll show and tell
'Til I reach your ponytail
Lurk all over and through you baby
Until I reach your stream
You'll be on my jockey team

See the full lyrics here: http://www.absolutelyric.com/a/view/Ginuwine/Pony/

Posted by: rhonda at April 29, 2004 12:42 PM

one of those days you really wished you had not much to accomplish... thinking that i'd really failed to name some loser 80-90's music I took a peek at the cassettes. oh yeah.. now i remember. The Milli vanilli scandal - but if you were dancing in the late 80's did anyone care? Vanilla ice and MC hammer were just wrong in the early 90's again people that danced just did not care... not much of a dancer.

Posted by: Mac at April 29, 2004 1:27 PM

Thanks for the subject line, Ian!

Posted by: Granville Towers dude named Dave at April 29, 2004 3:02 PM

Every rose has its thorn,
Just like every night has its dawn,
Just like every cowboy sings a sad, sad song,
Every rose has its thorn (yeah it does)

Like Poison, my intuitive vocal inflection actually rhymed these brilliant words; I'm the guy who knew this song only and wouldn't stop playing it fall semester, 1990, Granville Towers West. That plus some incessant, screw -the-rules cigarette smoking got some music major named Cullen to move out.

Posted by: Piglet at April 29, 2004 3:07 PM

Duh duh duh duh
duh duh duh duh
duh duh DUH duh duh duh duh duh
Duh duh duh duh
Duh duh duh duh
Duh duh duh duh duh duh duh...
("Tom's Diner")

Posted by: Bud at April 29, 2004 4:18 PM

For consistently bad lyrics, no one can top (bottom?) Guns N' Roses.

"Her hair reminds me of a warm safe place
Where as a child I'd hide"
-Sweet Child O' Mine

"Just an urchin livin' under the street
I'm a hard case that's tough to beat
I'm your charity case
So buy me somethin' to eat
I'll pay you at another time
Take it to the end of the line"
-Paradise City

and worst of all-

"Said sugar take the time
'Cause the lights are shining bright
You and I've got what it takes to make it
We won't fake it
Oh! Never break it
'Cause I can't take it"

The worst lyrics in a single pop song may well belong to Bon Jovi :

"I walk these streets
A loaded six string on my back
I play for keeps
Cause I might not make it back
I been everywhere
Still Im standing tall
Ive seen a million faces
And Ive rocked 'em all"
-Wanted Dead or Alive

I mean, if it's worse than that, it almost has to be "so bad it's good" material.

Finally, best non-rhyme that somehow still works:

"Eye of a hurricane
Listen to yourself churn"
-REM, It's the End of the World as We Know it (and I feel fine)

May Bon Jovi never rock your face.

Posted by: Annie at April 29, 2004 4:40 PM

Okay, this might be ultra-gauche, but since Bud strayed into the topic of "actual-best lyrics," I must share those that have been floating around in my mind all day--and true-rhyme, no less.

(Exclusive insider's tip for NC rockers: the song is by is Winston-Salem's own Peter Holsapple, formerly of the immortal db's):

Where do lonely people go?
You're asking me, you think I know--
They sadly start rebuilding walls,
then quickly quietly withdraw--

But you, what of you,
what do you propose to do?
Live in the past,
recall what was,
and lonely is as lonely does...

When I lost the human race,
I ran home and ran in place,
and when my race was finally run,
the loneliness had just begun.

Ah, living in the past is rough,
living here today's enough.
The future's much too far away,
but lonely's with us every day.

Posted by: GG at April 29, 2004 6:33 PM

"Generals gather in their Masses, just like witches at black ...Masses"

Posted by: michelle at April 29, 2004 9:34 PM

Because I'm bad, I'm bad-come on
(Bad bad-really, really bad)
You know I'm bad, I'm bad-you know it
(Bad bad-really, really bad)
You know I'm bad, I'm bad-come on, you know
(Bad bad-really, really bad)
And the whole world has to
Answer right now
Just to tell you once again,
Who's bad...

Posted by: michelle at April 29, 2004 9:38 PM

And Tom's Diner actually has great lyrics if you know the original song:

"It is always
Nice to see you"
Says the man
Behind the counter

To the woman
Who has come in
She is shaking
Her umbrella

And I look
The other way
As they are kissing
Their hellos

I'm pretending
Not to see them
I pour the milk

Posted by: Jennifer at April 29, 2004 10:14 PM

Two of my picks:

Build Me Up Buttercup:

(Hey, hey, hey!) Baby, baby, try to find
(Hey, hey, hey!) A little time, and I'll make you happy
(Hey, hey, hey!) I'll be home
I'll be beside the phone waiting for you
Ooo-oo-ooo, ooo-oo-ooo

Why do you build me up (Build me up) buttercup, baby
Just to let me down (Let me down) and mess me around
And then worst of all (Worst of all) you never call, baby
When you say you will (Say you will) but I love you still
I need you (I need you) more than anyone, darling
You know that I have from the start
So build me up (Build me up) buttercup, don't break my heart

The Impression That I Get:

I've never had to knock on wood
But I know someone who has
Which makes me wonder if I could
It makes me wonder if
I've never had to knock on wood
And I'm glad I haven't yet
Because I'm sure it isn't good
that's the impression that I get

But I won't lie - if either come on while I'm alone in the car, yeah, I'll nod my head and belt 'em out. I was listening to the UNC Clefhangers' version of "Impression" today (college a cappella is my guilty pleasure), which was why it came to mind.

Posted by: greg at April 29, 2004 10:15 PM

Annie, if I weren't already married I'd find you and kiss you.

For some reason that I've never quite understood, the DBs resonate with me like no other band. I love the haunting beauty of songs like "Lonely is as lonely does", but the DBs song whose lyrics I love the most is still Amplifier: (partial and possibly incorrect lyrics?)

Dan went home and killed himself last night,
She'd taken everything, she'd taken everything.
She took his car, she took his bike,
She took everything she thought he liked,
And what she couldn't take she found a way to break.
She left his amplifier.

an amplifier's just wood and wire,
and wire and wood won't do any good
when your heart is whupping like a wild fire
and all you've got to show for it's

Come to think of it, I think our common interest in the DBs was one of the first things my wife and I talked about when we met (at Players on a Friday night, but that's another story altogether!)

Posted by: Salem at April 30, 2004 1:11 AM

Don't screw with Kiss! Kiss happened, don't deny it. I'm pretty sure I tried to convince my step-mom that Ace Freley had a real laser in his guitar.
Anyway, Salem's Top Two Lyricists of all time:
Keith Morris, The Circle Jerks
"question authority,
I'll pay the price the future belongs to me
this is the time
this is the hour
the worlds our dowery
the glory and the power

is this what you want to see?
is this the way you want things to be?
things to be,things to be
question authority... "

Jello Biafra, The Dead Kennedy's;
"So you've been to school for a year or two
And you know you've seen it all
In daddy's car thinkin' you'll go far
Back East your type don't crawl
Play ethnicky jazz to parade your snazz
On you five grand stereo
Braggin' that you know
how the niggers feel the cold
And the slum's got so much soul
It's time to taste what you most fear
Right Guard will not help you here
Brace yourself, my dear
Brace yourself, my dear

It's a holiday in Cambodia
It's tough kid, but it's life
It's a holiday in Cambodia
Don't foget to pack a wife"

That was nice. I enjoyed that.

Posted by: Just Andrew at April 30, 2004 6:44 AM

so now we're onto favorite lyics?

Kiss gets a free pass - they had their own comic book, bad lyics were part of the sthick.
Poison - Ever Rose and Bon Jovi -Wanted - thanks for the titles, sort of.
Amplifier - one of the great great songs of our generation. If I'd met a girl who loved it, I'da married her too, good work.

Camper Van Beethoven always had my favorite lyrics:

(new Demo of the Unibomber song)
Went to study at Berk-e-ley
now I don't like socitey
got me shack way back in the woods
gonna mail a package of explosive goods

(we're a bad trip)
...somewhere along the line
someone told you you were deep and sensitive
but you're not, no you're not
came to your party, drank all your beer
we're a bad trip
parked the car upon the lawn,
smoked your last cigarette,
spilled beer on the carpet,
answered the phone and said you don't live here anymore,
and it was your Mom, yeah, it was your Mom
came to the party,
ate all the 'derves
we're a bad trip

(or the Axe Murderer Song)
Most days I feel softer than most
some days like yougurt, some days like toast...

why do axe murderers only attack
when you're partially nude
or taking a bath

I could go on and on.

Posted by: noj at May 3, 2004 11:02 AM

oh what a feeling
when you're dancing on the ceiling

Lionel also owns the most over the top, stupid-feeling-inducing video ever with his drippy, sappy video for 'Hello', in which the blind girl sculpts his ugly mug.

Posted by: Betty Rocker at May 4, 2004 1:50 PM

Thought of another song gone wrong (lyrically)

"I don't care who you are, where you're from, what you did, as long as you love me."

I think this was BackStreet Boys that sang "As Long As You Love Me"

So... does that mean if I'm a one-eyed snaggletooth from hell who just killed your mother, but still loved you, we'd be okay?
That song makes no sense to me.

Posted by: grib at May 10, 2004 11:26 AM

"While riding on a train goin' west/I fell asleep for to take my rest" (Bob Dylan/"Bob Dylan's Dream") I love Dylan, but this ain't his best.

Another awful line from an otherwise great lyricist: "I need you to carry my children in" (Leonard Cohen/I forget the song)

As for the earlier post about masturbation songs, no list is complete without Billy Joel's "Captain Jack"

Posted by: Sean B. at April 20, 2005 7:51 PM

A very cool girlfriend in 1993 made me a damn good mix tape with a lot of talented bands like The Connells, The dBs (Amplifier!), John Wesley Hardin, and Camper Van Beethoven- none of which I was listening to at the time, all of which I've fallen in love with since then. She left one song though and I can't find who the artist was. Simple, somewhat pathetic lyrics, (like making up sentences that have 'one' at the end to rhyme with the repeating "she was the one." Seems lazy to me) but the guitar is intricate and engaging, with a simple stringed instrument making it nicely melancholy. Good throaty charismatic vocals make the lyrics forgiveable, with what sounds like a light central southern US accent. If anyone knows this one... I'd be indebted. I want to buy it on CD, my tape is falling apart from over-listening.

She was the one
How could I have…
(four seconds lost, tape has fallen apart here.)
…even before I started dreaming
I knew her well,
She was the one

She was the one
the one I’ve been waiting for
to open the floodgate doors
just to drown on the loving floor,
but it was too much too soon
to shoot for the moon
when you’re coming from the sun-
She was the one

And she was the last to know
that I was sucking in for the long haul
‘cause I know a good thing when I see one…
Lord, she appeared to be one.
She was the one

Dark as in thunder
deep as in my sleep,
smart like a whip
and shoots from the hip
a glance at the past and what it foretells,
ah I knew her well.
She was the one

She turned me uptown
time and again
and when she was done
we’d go back at one.
Even before I started drinking
I knew her well.
She was the one

And she was the last to know
that I was sucking in for the long haul,
‘cause I know a good thing when I see one.
Lord, she appeared to me one.
She was the one

She was the one
I should have known
because when she left
she took all the fun,
leaving me dreams, leaving me just one.
Ah I should have known.
She was the one

Posted by: Beth Snow at June 6, 2005 10:27 AM

The song is She Was The One and it is by Peter Holsapple and Chris Stamey, the main two song writers of the dB's. They did a solo album called Mavericks in 1989, abouts.

Posted by: WQ at April 28, 2011 10:56 PM

Outstanding song. Disagree with your assessment of the lyrics.

your missing four seconds:

She was the one, how could I tell, I took a guess and she did the rest.

And I think I think it's "suckered in for the long haul". That's the way I hear it, anyway.

also...She turned me up TEN time and again, and when she was done I'd go back to one.

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