July 01, 2004
a brick in the small of the back
7/1/04
When I was in grade school, I used to get so mad at my surroundings that I would lapse into what my family called the "poisoned squirrel dance," where I would turn into a Cuisinart of bursted blood vessels and wail at the depths of my lungs. At school, the vicious taunting and the constant threat of physical harm turned me into a seething guttersnipe, possessing a mouth so foul that I was ending up in the principal's office for word choice alone.
Here's the thing about being young in the 1970s, before anyone gave a shit about child psychology: when you were bullied, BOTH of you got into trouble. The bully would be punished for bullying, and YOU would be punished for reacting. Pretty soon, you'd develop an "inmate psychology," and though the bully still beat the shit out of you on the way home from school, you and he were actually becoming quite similar.
I thought school was supposed to be miserable, which is why I didn't do very well. I never got good grades, so I continued that habit clear into the University of North Carolina (actually, I aced 11th grade, which is the only year college admissions people care about). When I was young, I believed that I absolutely HAD to be a bad person, because there was no other explanation for the way I was treated.
My parents did the best they could, but they were handed limited resources. There were no real anti-depressants, and the guidance counselors were sweet, but useless. Thank god that the '70s provided at least a modicum of self-awareness; I don't think I could have survived grade school in 1956.
I mention all this because I saw my psychopharmacologist today, who asked a lot of questions about my experiences at school, and I have to admit: I feel a lot of retroactive relief at understanding that I had an untreated disease when I was a kid. Things fall into place when I can look at it through that prism.
Sure, people abuse that notion all the time. They tell themselves they had A.D.D. or they were dyslexic, or bipolar, or something that makes them feel special in absentia. Worse yet are the folks who glom onto their chosen disease as if it was the only buoy keeping them afloat in a sea of unanswered questions.
But just hearing the words: "you had an untreated disease" – I dunno, it makes me understand why I was so riddled with anxiety, why long summer afternoons filled me with dread, why Sept. 11 destroyed me so personally, why I engage in magical thinking and obsessive-compulsive behavior even now. It won't take me back in time to kick my art teacher Mr. Hyder in the nuts for embarrassing me in front of everybody when I messed up the engraving ink, but it's the next best thing.
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Maybe it's because I was out of the house by the time you entered 4th grade, or maybe it was because I was completely locked my own private adolescent hell, or maybe it was because all communication between family members was telegraphed from a great emotional distance, but I don't remember ever hearing about you being bullied when you were a kid. Otherwise I could have told you the one piece of real wisdom with respect to bullies: If you get picked on, pick the biggest bully, sneak up on him and kick him in the nuts. When he goes down, sit on his head and fart.
You may get your ass kicked when he recovers, but you just reduced the number of bullies you have to worry about to one.
This may not be very Quakerly advice, but bullies respect and fear someone who is crazy and dangerous. That's why Saddam let the inspectors back in when Bush began saber rattling. Unfortunately for him, and for the rest of us, Bush is the biggest bully of them all.
Ian, Kent (at least) also got beat up when he was little --think Provo at the school bus stop. Sean had his problems, which have been chronicled in his blog. Not that "misery loves company" is any comfort at all... misery is misery... but certainly there was a lot going on when you, and all my kids. were in grade school (and beyond) that was very difficult to deal with without drugs, without support from both parents, and without knowledge of how pervasive and destructive all this was. But I don't know how drugs, psychotherapy, awareness, or parental support would have helped.
I'm not trying to avoid my own responsibility in this. I am wondering, though, whether the whole Bully Thing is ever going to be any different. Ever. There have always been bullies, and (Bush not withstanding) the most ubiquitous bullying seems to flourish on the schoolgrounds of the world (I include the bus stops here). I don't know what can be done about it... Kids who are bullied have various responses. Unfortunately some kill themselves, or end up (think Columbine) killing others. Some survive and get over it, some are scarred and carry the scars into their adulthood, where they continue to be bullied, or become bullies, or suffer from the long-term effects of "untreated disease".
In all the reading I have done over the decades, I've seen discussions of new cancer research, new methods of treating alcoholism, new fashions for spring, new ways of teaching math, new smart weapons for killing as few innocent people as possible... blah blah blah... but I don't think I'm aware of ANY research or theory or prevention techniques regarding kids bullying other kids (and of course, adults bullying adults). I'd really like someone to address this ancient and heinous practice, and suggest solutions.
Until then, there is Kent's kick-in-the-balls-fart-in-the-face method which is, sadly, the best solution I've heard so far. (sigh)
Well, either that or a Friends Quaker school.
I was bullied, too, and I also suffered for years with untreated depression.
While I took Kent's approach whenever possible, I do think the bullying experience (including my violent response) caused me medical problems, and medical treatment would have helped. It *is* a great relief to realize that you felt so shitty not because you were a bad person, but because you had a serious medical condition.
Some bullies can't be beaten. For instance, I felt bullied by my school itself, a Baptist "Christian" school run by a church that, as I type, is probably busy sending its membership list to the Bush campaign. I was held to a more stringent disciplinary standard, constantly urged to "convert" from Episcopalianism and kept out of the starting line-up on sports teams--because I wasn't a Baptist. Others are bullied by institutions and society because they're who they are (minorities, gays, et cet.). Short of a Columbine-like response, you can't fight that with violence of your own.
To reduce bullying, the best idea I've heard is to start teaching empathy at the preschool/kindergarten level. Kids can learn that others feel much the same as they do, and they don't always learn that at home. I think kids that do learn it (like myself and, I'm sure, all the Williams kids), are at something of a disadvantage at the hands of other kids--and adults--who haven't learned it. So let's teach it to everyone.
Because there aren't enough farts in the world for all the faces that deserve such treatment.
I'm actually glad for a lot of the beatings I've had. I feel like I haven't had nearly enough sometimes, I was a foul mouthed mean kid that picked as many fights as I got in to, so I can't really claim to have been bullied too much.
I'm glad because once you've been hit in the face and lived to tell about it, getting hit in the face isn't nearly as scary. Once you've been beaten up, you can kind of have a mental picture of how bad it could get and you know you'll live.
I will say that I believe the kids in my neighborhood right now are far more ruthless and uncontrolled than we were as kids. I know, we were absolute brats, but the violent way kids talk around me shows a complete disconnect, and empathy training would probably go a long way to fixing this. I doubt Michelle is gonna get pegged with an egg in her neighborhood now, and the same kids who did that to her last halloween are walking around playing with butterfly knives and using the F and N words liberally.
Maybe that's just me getting old, though...
It was interesting that you used the phrase "inmate pshychology". Maybe you should read this essay, which I came across just recently. He seems to dwell on older kids, but the piece still seems apt.
I agree with your mom that there will always be bullying. And untreated depression aside, a nice, quiet kid is probably gonna get bullied at some point in his schooling, no matter what. That is, until he/she knows how to fight back with words or deeds, and we all learn this at different rates.
A kid who reports being bullied is going to be taken more seriously these days...but did any of us really ever report it?
With girls, it was worse. There was little threat of physical violence. Instead, there were all kinds of psychological tricks meant to publicly humiliate.
But didja ever do a Google search on kids who used to bully you? My bullies didn't turn out so well. ;)
dude - that broke my heart. i'm sorry.