July 5, 2004
sniveling
7/5/04
God, the world has no end of horrors when you hate Dook University like I do. To sum up: the Los Angeles Lakers (a team I've despised since the mid-80s) recently lost their Zen master Phil Jackson, and desperately needed a coach. Because Kobe Bryant constantly reads Duke's website (commonly known as espn.com), he decided that Koach K was going to come in and save their program.
Since the Lakers are in Los Angeles, and thus have no sense of restraint or decency, they sweetened the deal by offering him 8 MILLION DOLLARS OVER FIVE YEARS and then gave him 5% OF THE TEAM and PROMISED TO CALL HIM "PRESIDENT."
Koach K then rattled as many pots and pans as he could, to make sure every human in the sports world knew he'd been offered, then let it simmer over the Fourth of July weekend, making all sportswriters and basketball fans spin themselves into a furious froth while they debated "will he or won't he?"
Of course he was NEVER going to take the job. He's got as much money as he wants, and unless you're UNC's Larry Brown, it's basically impossible to succeed at both college and pro ball. His court-slapping "five fingers make a fist" nonsense would have been laughed out of Shaq-less Tinseltown after the first losing season.
No, what this was really about was EGO and WINNING AT ALL COSTS. By "taking the high road" and staying with the college game, he set Dook up to look like some utopian fantasy that couldn't be besmirched by LA's Faustian offer. After this fiasco, he can also introduce himself to each recruit as "the guy who said 'no' to the Lakers," and use it as a recruiting ploy to hoodwink unsuspecting high school ballers to drink the Kool-Aid they're serving over there in Durham.
It's the ego part that is most reprehensible. Why else take a long vacation weekend to weigh your options? He knew that cnnsi.com and espn and every other sports media outlet would be spending all day gushing over him, laying down their coats so he could walk over puddles, and massaging his metaphorical grundle while they administered sloppy fellatio.
You know how to switch jobs in the real world? Let me tell you. You make a phone call and say, "Hey. Here's the deal. We'd like you to come work for us. Here's the money. Take a few days. Oh, and can you just keep this between us?"
I know this because Carolina was similarly burned during the Dean-Gut-Roy-Matt fiasco of 2001, when all of our dirty laundry was hung out to dry in front of everybody. You know who learned from this lesson? Our beloved coach Roy Williams.
Because they offered him the Laker job as well. He politely said no thanks, and DIDN'T PUBLICIZE IT.
That's class. That's how real people, adults, do things. That's the difference between us and those neurasthenic weenies in Durham. Bullocks to Koach K and his tribe of asswits. I'm glad he's staying. I'm going to enjoy kicking his ass for the next ten seasons.
Posted by irw at July 5, 2004 11:11 PMYeah. It's nice to have our own special antichrist. At home. Where he belongs.
[contented sigh]
The whole thing annoyed me too. The part I got a kick out of is that our own Mitch Kupchak is the Laker's GM and was seemingly willing to destroy his own career to watch K melt in the pros.
K's posturing and grandstanding is so annoying, but I do think he may well have considered taking the job - there is only 1 direction the Dook program can go and that is down. More writers are paying attention to K's infractions that soon the NCAA will have to deal with them, he can't keep a player who's any good at Dook for long (or at all with Livingston), and Roy will be kicking his ass regularly now. I'm hoping this non move will help to make his last few years as a coach really, really painful.
Ian Darling,
Good Lord, this rant made me feel good. K displayed his usual tackiness and ego-to-match-his-nose this weekend. What's really bad is that all these "know it all" sportswriters performed exactly the way K wanted. I've never seen so much noise made about a job offer everyone knew he wouldn't take. The only folks missing in the fellatio fun were the dudes in stripes - who are usually first in line when it comes to servicing their master.*sigh*
Be a little compassionate and give the guy a break. Rat Face has a serious back condition that can flare up at the drop of a bad season. Maybe Pete Gaudet wouldn't sign on as assistant with the Lakers, just in case.
I agree. The whole episode made me want to vomit repeatedly. His ego knows no bounds.
It's also no coincidence that a new dook president just came on the job last week. This was a complete power play on both sides. The Lakers are doing everything they can to keep Kobe. Ratface saw an opportunity to "introduce" himself to the incoming president. This will get totally buried in the media but keep your eye out for ground-breaking on the new practice facility that will now be built on the dook grounds. Not one of the butt-kissing sports writers will pen an article about K holding the new pres hostage to get that.
Preach it, Brother Ian!
Amen, amen, amen!
In an attempt to reduce the fanatacism and hatred in America, I'm officially downgrading my level of hate-speach towards Coach K from the Republican-inspired "Blind Hatred" to a more compassionate "Extreme Dislike with Prejudice."
I am a stoopid, ram-brutalizing pinhead. Ol' Roy was "pitched" the head coaching job - an odd term not exactly synonymous with "offered a contract." When I'm pitching my ass-wipity shows to Holywud types, I'm not discussing contracts, I'm talking about deep ideas. Plus, Ol' Roy (speaking of which, his value-priced line of delicious dogfood makes a fine casserole when entertaining other Tarholes) was slightly wishy-washy the first time he was offered the UNC job, "Oh look at me, I just can't screw my Kansas players" (which was apparently okay just a day before, after a thoughtful weekend of not-so-private deliberations - who in NC didn't know Roy was offered the job?). Sorry UNC, please take back the job I accepted." Class and conviction. Who wants hamburger casserole?
I'm not tuned into this blood feud at all, but listening to WUNC in Raleigh I did of course hear about this ceaselessly, and what I wondered was why the press seemingly felt no need to explain why a "lifetime contract with Duke" was no impediment to him leaving and not pertinent to his decision to stay.
i also think that it is no coincidence that this happened the week there was a new president at duke. i recall something similar happened (the 'back problem' that forced him to take time off) right when nan koehane started as duke president...
Cathie - Nan took over in 1990 which is *shock* the last time K had "serious discussions" with an NBA team (The Boston Celtics).
1995 was when he had his "back problem" and he dumped his crappy team onto the shoulders of Pete Gaudett.
Actually, Cathie is right. Nan took over in 1993. I think the confusion stems from the fact that Coach K flirted with the Celtics in 1990 and the TrailBlazers in 1994.Here's the 1990 celtics story: http://www.madison.com/captimes/sports/lucas/77543.php.
But there is no question that whatever year, K is the anti-Christ
Here's the Keohane years:
Whoops. Thanks for the clarification, Chris. My apologies, Cathie.
I can't let a petty little thing like "fact checking" get in the way of making the point that K is the spawn of Lucifer.
Ugh - did you see this:
http://www.charlotte.com/mld/charlotte/9091146.htm?
"Krzyzewski touched by student's e-mail (with text)"
What a bunch of kool-aid drinking dorks.
I heard it made SportsCenter, too, with the kid reading it from different places on kampus.
Just so we're clear:
This just in: WUNC reports as of this morning that K wasn't the only North Carolina basketball coach courted by the Lakers.
I love this quote from the ESPN article:
After calling Williams, the Lakers entered into discussions with Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski, who rejected a reported five-year, $40 million offer on Monday.