xtcian

pangea? i hardly know her

8/5/04

I'd like to talk about something that has been creeping me out for a long time. Of course you know the topic: I'm talking about PANGEA.

Fans of tectonic plate shift (party mothafuckas in the house say HO!) know what Pangea was – the time in the Triassic period when all of the continents gathered together on the Equator and got to know each other really well. I'm all for brotherly love, and god knows Africa and South America's relationship is downright sexy, but Pangea totally gives me the heebie-jeebies.

First off, I hate the distorted way North America looks on all the Pangea maps, like a twisted version of the continent I've grown to love. It is rather ironic that New York City was once attached to Morocco, but the queasy liquidity of it all – dunno, it just makes me uncomfortable.

Secondly, isn't there something a little existential and despondent about being on Earth, looking out over the ocean, and realizing that there's nothing on the other side of the world but yourself? One of my favorite things about being on the beach in California is knowing that Australia is somewhere far over the water. On Pangea, the only thing over the vast ocean is the back of your own ass.

Sure, there were great things about Pangea. The Second Collision of the Appalachian Oregeny created the sloping mountains we inhabit in upstate NY. And if it weren't for all those dinosaurs eating tropical ferns in West Virginia (you know, back when WV was on the Equator), there'd be a lot of coal miners out of a job.

But I don't mind telling you Pangea makes me more than a little unnerved. What's worse, it wasn't the first time the continents all got together, and it won't be the last! Apparently we have Pangea Ultima to look forward to, when New York will be stuck with freakin' Namibia. I was Namibia during the Model U.N. in high school, and it sucked!