September 28, 2004
h.e. double hockey-sticks
9/28/04
We went to see the real-live Hollywood Hell House and it really stacks up to the original. For those of you who haven't seen the documentary ten times like I have, a young Baptist pastor named Keenan Roberts dreamt up an alternative to haunted houses for the month of October: he called it "Hell House," and it featured different rooms that re-enacted the ways you could go to hell. Abortion, heavy metal, homosexuality, even the RU-486 pill is not spared.
The documentary is brilliant, cataloguing throngs of kids lining up to see a room sprayed with fetal blood, and Roberts, who seems to be having WAY too good a time portraying Lucifer. It's a chilling journey into the reptilian hindbrain of American religion.
Roberts sells "kits" allowing you produce your own Hell House, and over 3,000 of them have flourished in the last few years. Through a bit of trickery, some Hollywood types got their hands on a kit, and followed every direction, word for word, right down to the music cues and script.
Among the high(low)lights: in one room a kid listens to some rock'n'roll and then blows away his entire classroom with a .357 magnum. In another, a woman has a botched abortion and tries to grab the unborn fetus from the doctor. In the best scene, a man with AIDS - pockmarked and covered in sores - is eaten in his hospital bed by a giant monster. And lastly, after descending into Hell itself, you meet a Hasidic Jew who is being ground into meat - and then you are granted audience with Lucifer himself.
Satan has been alternately played by Bill Maher and other luminaries, but our performance featured my hero Dave Thomas from SCTV. Naturally, he gets zapped by Jesus (sometimes played by Andy Richter) and then you escape Hell via The Son of God and his angels. From there, it's off to the Friendship Hall for Christian music and donut holes!
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above: two "Christers" dance to the religious boogie-woogie
below: the donut holes were excellent
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Needless to say, the whole thing is very funny, but also deeply disturbing. Tessa didn't quite understand the purpose of the performance, but I think I get it. Sure, we're in Hollywood, and the proceedings are positively dripping with irony and ain't-rednecks-stupid humor, but the show is also hinting at the excruciatingly dark underbelly of modern America.
When you watch the documentary, you see small kids go through Hell House, having the ever-loving SHIT scared out of them. By the time they get to "Jesus," they're ready to crawl back into the womb. There are endless interviews with vacant-eyed teenagers describing Hell with the brainwashed monotone of the recently-hypnotized. And there are THOUSANDS of kids that have gone through this thing without the slightest bit of irony.
What Hollywood Hell House has done, consciously or not, is to show the unbelievable chasm between the Red States and the Blue States in America. The purveyors and patrons of normal Hell Houses are comforted by Bush's moral certitude and thinly-veiled Christian supremacy. The Blue States look at something like "Hell House" on the Sundance Channel and giggle uncontrollably at all the mullets.
But what we all miss is this: it is NOT OKAY for kids to grow up thinking fags go to hell. It is TOTALLY UNCOOL for people to believe that Jews get churned into hamburger meat in the afterlife. In one Hell House scene, a girl is raped at a "rave," taunted by Lucifer because her dad had molested her, and then goes to Hell BECAUSE SHE COMMITS SUICIDE.
It's fucking sick, the whole thing, and everyone should go see it. Hollywood Hell House is mostly wink-wink nudge-nudge, but they are also providing a public service. By giving "Hell House" a wider audience, they are also forcing you to take it seriously on its own terms, importing a piece of a Red State for you to experience, like Fedexing barbeque from a distant pit.
Even living in an outrage-resistant world, "Hell House" is deeply deserving your attention and scorn. This is what we're up against, and it makes you wonder if this country is big enough for all of us.
Posted by irw at September 28, 2004 11:36 PMHoly Fucking Shit.
I'd never even heard of this until now. I don't know whether to laugh, cry or puke.
The only frame of reference I have that connects to something so religiously monstrous is an aggressive, whistle-blowing preacher who shows up at the local college campus once a year to call everyone sinners and gleefully accept the fury and taunting of the students as if he's undergoing his personal crucifiction (and I do mean -FICTION) experience so that he may have eternal life.
That and the Bible comic tracts that generous Christians left instead of tips during my waitstaff days.
Question: Does "Hell House" take a position on Catholicism and Mormonism, as it does on Judaism? I seem to recall both the preacher and the comics declaring that Catholics and Mormons weren't really Christian, and even that the Holocaust was perpetrated by Catholics. Your Mormon relations (isn't the full name "Church of JESUS CHRIST & Latter Day Saints" for cryin' out loud?) might well be surprised at that news, but the President's friends at Bob Jones U would not.
jon lovitz is the best devil ever.
oink,oink.
I concur w/piglet; the UNC 'pit preachers' I not so fondly recall would likely have found merit in this display.
Guess i'm going to hell...
I suppose this could be construed as proselytizing, but bear with me and hear my story.
One night many years ago, I was walking home from campus and too late noticed that I was crossing paths with a pit preacher, or actually one of the preacher's henchmen, who apparently is also qualified to issue you a ticket to the Kingdom of Heaven.He asked to have a few words with me.
I was feeling kind of crazy, so I agreed.
He asked me if I believed in JC. Having been born Catholic and subsequently indoctrinated with the faith, I answered affirmatively.
Then he asked me if I believed that JC died for my sins. Somehow, after years of studying scientific principles and chasing worldly pleasures, that belief had survived in my brain. I, too, answered that affirmatively.
Then he asked me if I believed that the Bible held the Word of God. Unfortunately, Catholicism had left me unprepared to give an answer, so I had to wing it. I think he wanted to know if I believed in a literal interpretation of the Bible. However, since he didn't specifically say that, I guessed that beyond all of the contradictory and downright weird parts of the Bible perhaps maybe a word or two that could plausibly be attributed to God Almighty had made it in, so technically, yes, it containst the Word of God. So, I said yes.
That did the trick. His normally lined brow and tight jaw relaxed. His eyes lit up and he smiled. Judging from the strength of his reaction, saveable people don't come around very often. He said a prayer over me, and I had to repeat some words whose meaning declared my affirmation of faith in Christ. Then he told me that there was a party up in Heaven for me. That was it.
So, here's the proselytizing part. With a simple 5 minute procedure, you can:
1) be saved.
Benefit: When someone asks if you are saved, you can honestly say yes. They leave you alone after that.
2) have the moral highground
Benefit: As a Saved Christian, you can lord it over people, particularly the other Saved Christians
3) you will go to heaven no matter what
Benefit: Seriously, you could machine-gun down a schoolyard full of kindergartners and as long as you are saved, your in.
4) inject some fresh blood into right wing Christianity
Benefit: someone sitting in church next to Aschcroft could vote for Kerry, how cool would that be?
Amusing...y’all sound so religious, like you have actually given some serious, deep thought to your eternal destination. I am glad to see that our online Hell House stirred up some conviction in your hearts about where you stand with God. As a former Catholic myself I don't make it a habit to slam other Catholics unless they are just flat out hypocritical liars. I actually pity my Catholic brethren because even though they have plenty of "religion" and a head knowledge of Christ they do not have the most important part, which is FAITH. That is the part which caused the great split between Protestants and Catholics back when Luther nailed the 95 theses to the door of the Catholic church in Wittenburg...
http://bible.crosswalk.com/OtherResources/Luthers95Theses.html
As far as the comments regarding the issue that we are putting a religious spin on a "pagan" holiday...well my friends, I am sorry to have to inform you of the facts surrounding Halloween but allow me to point out that Halloween actually BEGAN with the CATHOLIC CHURCH!
The word itself, "Halloween," actually has its origins in the Catholic Church. It comes from a contracted corruption of All Hallows Eve. November 1, "All Hollows Day" (or "All Saints Day"), is a Catholic day of observance in honor of saints.
http://wilstar.com/holidays/hallown.htm
So, with that in mind...we are simply reclaiming this Holiday for Christ! Presenting the Gospel of salvation from HELL by faith in the finished work of the cross of Calvary where Jesus Christ paid the ULTIMATE price (see the Passion of the Christ for further details) as a perfect sacrifice on behalf of SINNERS! That's right gents...sorry to inform the choir that y’all wouldn't cut it on Judgment Day. You need someone to save you from the fire of Hell. It ain't gonna be Buddha, Krishna, Muhammad, or YOU! You stand condemned already, you have a one way ticket straight to Hell...there is nothing you have that God needs and there is nothing you can do to earn eternal life. Basically, you’re screwed...WHY? Because you are a lawbreaker, that's right, you are a sinner. Stop kidding yourself and pretending that you have it all figured out...that your basically a "nice" guy, that you havn't done anything that is deserving of eternal fire. The man was right earlier when he cast doubt upon those who believe that all they need to do is say a little prayer and then they have it made....they have their so-called ticket to heaven. That’s a lie from the pit of Hell! That devils doctrine of unconditional eternal security will send more souls to Hell on Judgment Day than any other false doctrine foisted upon the self righteous masses of modern day church goers. The bottom line is that the Word of God...the BIBLE is trustworthy and true, it has broken every hammer of critical judgment leveled against it. It is the great ANVIL upon which every critics hammer is broken to pieces. The BIBLE remains the revealed WORD of God to a stubborn, self-righteous, arrogant bunch of Hell bound sinners. A gracious and loving God gave us not only His WORD but paid us a personal visit, He came down here to our level in the flesh...to be rejected by the self-righteous religious folks. He came to redeem a fallen, wicked race from eternal damnation. That is the God of the BIBLE...His name is Jesus Christ and He is calling out to you today if you will humble yourselves and pray, asking Him to forgive your many sins and wash your guilt away. He offers eternal life to all those who call upon His name. In the words of our Lord..."REPENT or PERISH"
If you wish to discuss this further you can reach me at (770) 321-4050
D. Christensen
Hell House Program DirectorMarietta, GA
So, D. Christensen, you say there's an afterlife, and one of the options is to spend eternity with people like you?
I'll take Hell, please. In Heaven, there is no possibility of hope.
Oh.my.word. Can I just say, as a Christian, that this "Hell House"...Thing, whatever it is called, is sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. The folks who indulge in this kind of activity (not the parody, but with the ones who participate with fervor) aren't acting Christian, or certainly not as Christ would have acted. I think of them as extremists...they ARE extremists. As dangerous as any brand of religious extremist. I see more Christian extremists here in the US than in any other country I have visited.
Please know that Christians exist on a spectrum (just like Muslims, or Jews, or any other relgion) and folks interpret the Bible into their daily lives on Earth in a myriad of ways. I'm mortified at the actions of these folks. If you want to take a look at the other end of the Christian spectrum, peek in a sojo.net . But please don't lump all Christians in with the folks who invented this kind of thing.
p.s. I'm a Christian, I'm a Democrat, I tip at least 15-18%, and I work at a church. Being this kind of a Christian is tough because we generally aren't exciting fodder for the news media. But just know that we are out there.
me thinks I was deleted. link causing problems?
Shannon - I don't think I ever saw your original comment. Repost! Or, as the French say, "Riposte!"
Just curious, light, do you believe in hell? If so, who do you believe is condemned to go there? Personally, I'm ambivalent about this "Hell House" as described. I believe in some of the doctrines espoused there, but the presentation seems a bit over the top and culturally skewed. (Any well dressed, Republican, self-proclaimed Christians burning there?)(Guess I really should see it for myself.)