December 07, 2004
bubble, bubble, toil, trouble
12/7/04
And now, a word about lattés. I never drank coffee regularly until last year, so I realize I'm late to this particular party, but MAN, what a drink. I used to sneak an espresso or two to keep awake between shifts at La Residence in Chapel Hill back in the zany early '90s, but I never knew the joys of java - a nickname I hate, by the way - until I had to kick the Coke habit once and for all.
My favorite part of a latté? Forcing that hot water through that packed espresso beans and out the tiny hole. It reminds me of that fable where the kid tricks the giant by squeezing water out of a brick of cheese. There's something about distillation, the tincture of purification, the elaborate expense of truly great liquids like rare olive oil and insane perfumes, that turns me on. Most other people like big boobs. I like precious liquids. And boobs.
Many visitors to my place have made fun of my multiple syrup collection, but I used two birthday checks to buy a good espresso machine, and I want a variety of syrups to go with it, goddamn you all to hell. My favorites?
Macadamia Nut: Earthy, tropical, inquisitive
Roasted Walnut: Slightly rancid in that sexy sort of way
French Vanilla: chewy, insouciant
Peanut Butter and Chocolate: actually, that's just for Tessa
Hazelnut: the great standby, like a friend who fucks
Irish Cream: loopy, lascivious, East Village
Almond: structured, spontaneous, West Village
Caramel: burnt, and through with you
Like I always say, conservative pundits like to make fun of liberals and their lattés, but it's a hard drink to make right, perhaps the largest degree of difficulty of the coffee genre. Between that and fighting for the Alaskan Wildlife Refuge, us progressives have our hands full. I dare any of you Red Staters to carry the weight of the world and make a good Tiramisu-flavored latté. I DOUBLE DOG DARE YOU.
Posted by irw at December 7, 2004 10:19 PMjust shot my cofee through my nose, best description of hazelnut ever
The 10 years between us are showing Ian, because I can't abide flavored coffee, or sweetened coffee. I was well into my 20s before 'coffee' described more than one beverage, at least in Iowa. Adding white sugar was exotic.
I've converted to soy milk with coffee, which at first seems like a strange offshoot of non-dairy creamer, but once you get used to it, turns it into a less acidic, more food-like beverage.
But I do like me some espresso. There's a Krups maker at work that isn't a $1000 Gaggia, but it's rough and ready. The secret is to stop it brewing before it starts shooting brown steam out like the Wolf in a Tex Avery cartoon.
Me, I just drink those bottled frappucinos, that I get by the case at Costco. Your own machine in your home? I feel like I belong in a trailer park.
Don't understand...must destroy.
I know they belong to the Axis of Evil, but I'm addicted to the Starbucks Gingerbread Latte, which is made with crack.
Yes, please don't forget the Holiday/Winter array of lattes, like the Mint Condition (From Caribou Coffee), Gingerbread and Egg Nog Lattes.
I'd also flip the Hazelnut and Vanilla description. Vanilla is always there for you.
At I had no idea what you were going on about, Ian, with the allusions to sex (and I am somebody who has had it) until I rememendered the long looks I've sometimes taken at those machines. Ferrari red, obscenely expensive, utterly gratuitous--throw in the pharmacology of caffeine and I think we're on the same page. Yo, baby.
i agree with betty...except i am permanently addicted to starbucks peppermint mocha (and i am ANTI everything starbucks and what it stands for). however, when something tastes like a warm york peppermint patty, i will go against everything i believe in for just one sip.
ian, you're about to have your cake and eat it, too. you already have an espresso machine ("precious liquids") and now there's a bun in the oven ("big boobs"). if they haven't done so already, tessa's breasts are poised to expand to a size beyond your wildest dreams. of course, when your baby stops nursing, the melons will dwindle back down to their original size (or, like in my case, to LESS than their original size -- yikes!!). so enjoy 'em while they last! at least homemade coffee drinks will continue no matter what.
Ack, can't abide Starbuck's. I have yet to get a good cup of coffee there, evil stuff aside.
Give me a Java City Merrimint Mocha.. peppermint flavoring, warm creamy, topped with whipped cream and some crumbled peppermint for that billion calorie delectable delight.
Usually though (heresy!), I abandon the coffee in exchange for British black tea... specifically PG Tips. You can leave that stuff steeping forever and it won't get bitter and after two hours steeping and a blast by the microwave, it's like drinking crack for breakfast.
Ishie