February 6, 2005

i like my oatmeal lumpy

2/6/05

I hope you conservatives who were bored snotless at the Super Bowl and its commercials realize that you've just seen the future of American culture. Yes, thanks to your exhortations surrounding Nipplegate 2004™, we had a NFL Championship that began with a bunch of military hoo-hah that, to me, has no fucking place in professional sports, and then continued on to be the most mind-numbing parade of unfunny ads in the history of modern television.

Shit, even the game could barely keep us awake. Except for a never-shoulda-happened pass in the 4th quarter that briefly rekindled the hopes of Philly fans, it almost felt like the Patriots sleep-walked to the Lombardi trophy.

The nadir, for me, was the kiss-ass Budweiser commercial that featured a bunch of actors who were pretending to be military people coming home from Iraq, while the entire airport erupted in bathetic applause. I'm sorry, but since when does an entire platoon take a commercial flight home? And the dour "Thank You" at the end - I mean, I guess that shit shouldn't make me insane, but it does.

This whole Super Bowl experience was shrink-wrapped, scrubbed free of any life, sterilized beyond recognition, lockstep, Stepford, 1950s-era robotic automaton numbness at its most lobotomized. The only cool thing to be seen was a monkey photocopying his own butt, and a nice rendition of "Live and Let Die" by Paul McCartney.

I want my nipples back. I want to see someone moon the crowd without the exhortations of "MY GOD, WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN?!?!?!?!?!?" I want to see 1975-era Wimbledon streakers and people accidentally saying "fuck" during the post-game interview. I want to turn to the Super Bowl to see testosterone-laden mongrels beating the ever-living shit out of each other, and if I want to go to sleep, I'll take a fucking Benadryl, thank you very much.

Posted by Ian Williams at February 6, 2005 11:00 PM
Comments
Posted by: Laurie from Manly Dorm at February 7, 2005 3:02 PM

I didn't watch any of it. I never do -- the only Super Bowls I can remember are 1. when the Steelers played the Cowboys when I was in grade school, and 2. when the Giants won the whole thing and I was in law school. Call me anti-American, but I do not care about the Super Bowl.

Hey, can we get some Peanut news this week? How is the Blake-Williams pregnancy coming along? What baby stuff have you bought? Have you gaining any sympathy pounds? Has Chopes figured out that he is about to be de-throned? You are getting closer and closer to the big day. . . your readers would like to share in the excitement!

Posted by: CL at February 7, 2005 4:03 PM

Although I generally agree with 94.6 percent of what you post here, I find it hard to believe the Republicans ruined the Super Bowl. It'll get back to normal slowly, just like everything else.

The problem last year wasn't so much the nipple. The problem was the etiquette of not warning people that on free tv, there was going to be a nipple. If you would deny parents the right to be warned that their kids might see nudity on free TV, then you are also, in effect, taking away a form of freedom.

There is such a thing as 'reverse censorship.' If you don't want people to complain when they believe something crosses the line, then you are conducting a different form of censorship - reverse censorship. Maybe I'm naive, but I'm tired of kids being made to feel, younger and younger, that they're supposed to be sexed up. And while I realize you can't block out the world, there are a few TV channels left where you can presume there won't be nudity. You have to have some lines, and you have to know what they are. If I have a kid and I'm used to that kid not seeing a nipple on Fox, then I shouldn't suddenly be forced to have it 'pop out' without warning.

If you want nipples, watch cable. There are big ones, small ones, pink ones, red ones...oh, all kinds. All the nips you want. You can even watch it with your kids if you want. Right after the Simpsons. The funny ads will be back sooner or later.

The issue is not a nipple. The issue is, you have to draw the line somewhere. Otherwise there becomes no line. Remember when you couldn't say "ass" or "sucks" on network TV? It wasn't so long ago. Now, I'm sure the idea of censoring those words pissed some people here off. And today, you can say "ass" and "sucks" on TV. Slowly, things change. It's very subtle. But do you want to wake up one morning and realize that you were so afraid of 'censorship' that you turned TV into a homogenous entertainment medium where every channel, anything goes? There have to be some boundaries so you have the right to choose what you and your kids will see.

I understand that a nipple isn't a big deal. I don't think anyone was hurt by Janet's orb of joy. But I think the larger issue is the etiquette of flashing someone.

I'll stop ranting now, before everyone hates me and tries to burn me at the stake.

Oh, I've heard a few comments from people that the Pats had it easy, but it seemed iffy there for a while, until McNabb was under too much pressure and couldn't keep firing passes to his own receivers. The Eagles DID have a chance for an upset...but that's neither here nor there.

Posted by: Tanya at February 7, 2005 4:14 PM

Hey, speaking of rants...isn't it about time for a 21st century version of "Why I Hate Dook"?? I love the original diatribe, and I trot it out for my fellow Heels every year about this time. I'm wondering, though, if you have a new one to share... ;)

Posted by: Laurie from Manly Dorm at February 7, 2005 4:28 PM

I completely agree with CL. Why are we in such a rush to throw all of these sexual images at our kids at such a young age? Remember when we were kids, and you could count on the more racy stuff being on TV during prime time, like 9pm and after? Now, it is a big free-for-all. There is inappropriate stuff on TV all day long, on most of the channels. TV today is such garbage! There, I have said it!

You know, Ian, when Peanut is, say, 5 or 6 years old, I think your tune will change. You'll get to the point where you just want your kid to be able to be a kid, at least during the elementary school years, for God's sake.

Posted by: flaco at February 7, 2005 4:42 PM

We liked the godaddy.com commercial in the 1st qtr

The Super Bowl has been plasticine since game "I"
The real games are in Dec and Jan

The anheuser-busch "homecoming" commercial was the worst

Don't worry, you won't see much of Super Bowl "XL" :-]

Posted by: CL at February 7, 2005 4:47 PM

Oh, thanks, Laurie. I thought I was gonna get skewered.

The GoDaddy commercial was good. Also, there was a fast food commercial where someone was shoving a long sausage into her mouth and I found that kind of racy.

Posted by: lee at February 7, 2005 4:50 PM

um hello... we only have about ten thousand ads for cialis and sexual dysfunction and ads for violent movies (not to mention the violent nature of a super bowl game itself) and to be offended by a nipple is fucked up beyond belief. it's like being in the twilight zone sometimes in this country!

Posted by: brent at February 7, 2005 4:53 PM

I think I have found my new favorite unsanitized sporting event. Bring your riot gear.

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=caple/050205

Posted by: Piglet at February 7, 2005 5:34 PM

"Since when does an entire platoon take a commercial flight home?"

Since Bush's VA made them pay their own way out of Iraq.

If Paul McCartney had any guts, he would have torn off his shirt to reveal two sunburst nipple shields.

Posted by: Deb at February 7, 2005 6:19 PM

I thought the Prius commercial was one of the best I've seen in a long time.

Posted by: Kevin at February 7, 2005 6:25 PM

As a Philly native, I give the actually football part of the SuperBowl a B+. Donovan played a C game, and still had 300+ passing yeards and 3 touchdowns. Sure, the interceptions hurt them, and the rushing yards were pathetic, but at least the birds covered the spread, and what more can a Philadelphian ask for from their teams? I was kinda hoping for Sir paul to have a "wardrobe malfunction" last night too, but to no avail. Oh, and the BATMAN BEGINS spot was the Shiz-nite!!

Posted by: Just Andrew at February 8, 2005 3:20 AM

speaking of dook loathing, someone on Inside Carolina reposted Ian's 'Why I Hate Duke' article.

I think you have to sign up to read, but you all should be IC members anyways...
http://mb17.scout.com/finsidecarolinafrm15.showMessage?topicID=32667.topic

Posted by: u812 at February 13, 2005 4:34 PM

My new years resolution: I used to watch one football game a year.

Post a comment





(We won't show it.)




Remember personal info?