March 08, 2005
i'm not wearing any pants
3/8/05
I would like to call a BOYCOTT TO ALL LOCAL NEWS BROADCASTS. They are absolute shite in every market in the country, and they're taking up valuable real estate that could be given to "Law & Order" reruns and old episodes of "WKRP". To wit:
- if you're in a small town, the local news is a thorough embarrassment. Not only do they get the weather wrong - deadly wrong, if you were in the North Carolina ice storm two months ago - but the story selection is on par with a middle school poetry slam. Two years ago there was actually a story in Zebulon, NC about a farmer that had three yolks in one egg.
- small towns try to amp up their ratings - and, presumably, their own gonads - with screaming headlines intoned by Your Trusted Anchor like "WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT VENETIAN BLINDS... MAY KILL YOU. STORY AT 11."
- that quote above actually happened. Ask Chip or Scott.
- if you're in a big metropolis, the local news is a cavalcade of the worst, most brutal crimes against humanity that God has to offer. Since New York encompasses about 45 terrible neighborhoods (and LA has about 38), local stories from both cities include nightly baby beheadings, cocaine brawls that leave four dead, hit-and-run accidents that saws off the legs of a family's breadwinner, six-year-olds that rape their cousins, and fires that burn seven families alive because of a snickering slumlord. I just can't fucking stand it anymore.
- local news anchors not only punctuate this horror with random stories about a crazy cat that won't get off the trampoline, but they waste about 1,823,905 minutes yearly with their between-sections banter. Seriously, how many times are you going to joke that the weatherman brought rain? Or that the sports guy sure is wacky? CAN IT, YA FUCKING DOOFUSES.
- local news brings local ads, and I don't have to tell you that locally-produced commercials - especially but not limited to car dealerships - are so groan-inducingly bad that I have BROKEN MY EYEBALLS looking skyward in disgust. Why are all local ads so fucking awful? They don't have to be. You can make a decent ad for your tan salon for the same price you made your shitty one. And keep your little shit daughter away from the Pontiac you're trying to sell. And your little "pitch phrase" is TERRIBLE. And don't try to ACT! Jesus, you're KILLING US.
- if I'm going to get news that really matters, I'll get it from the internet, thanks. The Yahoo! Most Emailed page tells me everything I need to know about the human condition, and it also has pictures of kittens, sex and gore. Fuck local news and their venetian blinds. May they strangle themselves in them.
I've met a few Venetians and I'm pretty sure they aren't above a little cold blooded murder.
Last night out local sportscaster lead into a story by saying "Girls High School ski teams are literally descending on Sugarbush" - I was impressed, it was almost clever and a correct use of the word 'literally'.
That drives me up a wall - people usually mean 'figuratively' but always say 'literally' - there were literally a million people in that restaurant last night. Learn the language.
go here for proof. this is better than the britney spears cussing during a live show (years back, before she turned into a character from the pink house sorority). exchange between paul moyer and ann martin, los angeles' finest news reporters.
www.aprilwinchell.com
look up december 14, 2004
Sure you've met some Venetians - but do you know any Blind Venetians? Well, did ya? I knew a couple and I can tell you I thought my life was in danger. Damn them! Damn them!
Those of your gentle readers who are fans of dooce
may have caught her blog about "Toxic Plume" on Monday. Seems the local TV reporter went to commercial after intoning "“Toxic acid is leaking from a train car close to the freeway. We’ll tell you which acid it’s leaking and how it might kill you, after the break.”
About local commercials... When I left L.A. to go to college in Provo, Utah, I was charmed by the local radio commercial (in heavy rotation) that advertised a company that would come and "remove your dead or useless animals".. . .
Ya gotta love the locals.
You can't get people to boycott local news. Where will the networks get the Q ratings for choosing who to draft as Rather or Brokaw's replacement? You've got every bit as much of a duty to watch the local news as to go to your daughter's 6th-grade musical.
I'm with you on the local news - but I love stupid local commercials.
Local news usually doesn't give you too much local flavor, because, I think, it's usually anchored by people who want nothing more desperately than to get out of whatever local hell they find themselves in and spiral their way up to cable or a network.
Local commercials, though, are usually made by people lacking those ambitions or talents, and the results can sometimes rival Ed Wood. So-bad-it's-good comedy gold. I'm also glad a few vestiges of uniquely local flavor manage to remain in an age of all-consuming Generica.
What I hate is that local broadcasts spend about 1/3 of their air time on just weather in general. Just summarize it for me, wrong or right, give me the temperature and condition.
I also am annoyed by the "live, on the scene" reporting when by that time there is absolutely nothing happening. Say earlier that morning there was a wreck. Now at 11pm the reporter is at the site of the wreck, telling about the wreck, though everything about it is long gone. Thanks, it was like I was really there!
I have a group of friends for whom the phrase "Channel 9 News" is uttered if anyone does anything really stupid or embarassing, simply because we used to watch New York's Channel 9 News and we were amazed at the constant stream of fuck-ups they provided.
You have to say it slowly, like you're disappointed in a small child. "Chan-nel Nine *Newes*"
C'mon CL, you can just post your thoughts anonymously. Lots of regional newspaper editors read this blog! Even in the unlikely event that your local TV crew knows how to read, I doubt they'll recognize you. You don't have to use the actual channel number.
Some of the best local radio flavor I have experienced includes regional public service Trading Post shows. Among my childhood friends, we found great humor in some of Haywood County's swap shoppers and callers.
"Hey, I've got some old but still mostly good used furniture with just a few pet stains on it. Will barter for other goods or I'd just like to see somebody who can get some good use out of it haul this stuff off. It's here on the curb in Hazelwood"
"..calling about my lost dog. He's got 3 good legs, can't hardly bark, and a big naked spot on his belly and a chewed off left ear. He answers to the name of "Lucky". Please call if you see him or get him out of the road if he's done dead. Thanks."
You can't make this shit up. You gotta tune in.
yeah, it's brutal. and more money (read: larger markets) only means louder and more spectacular versions of the same tripe.
Fox 5 in NYC is the most egregious. Kent Brockman wouldn't deign to take a job there.
Hmmmm, I think the egg with three yolks is a pretty damn good news story! Cluck.
I vote local car commercials as the very worst. So cheesy they are almost camp.
All I have to say about local commercials is that my name is Billy Shepherd, and I own a carpet store. I'd like to sell you carpets to put upon your floor.
I guess this means I'll have to send you a rough cut of the new Jasper Family Steakhouse TV ads before we start running them. Hey, this is your chance to help ad a glimmer of light to the Local TV ad world. I'll be expecting several spec scripts by the end of the week.
"Jasper Family Steakhouse: Where The Food At""Eat at Salem's (Or He'll Eat You)"
"The Family Steakhouse: We Put The 'Ass' in Jassper"
http://www.collegehumor.com/?movie_id=106090
I think this about sums up the quality of local news....