May 01, 2005
odysseus shrugged
5/1/05
Once I asked my mother how on earth she survived losing her husband in an automobile accident in 1960, when she was trying to raise my brothers Kent and Steve, then 2 and 3. She only replied, "Well, what choice did I have?" A similar circumstance - based in blessing instead of tragedy - is upon us, when a number of people have remarked that we have "taken to parenting" and appear to be way more laid back than we ought to be. I think of my mom in those moments, and wonder what choice we really have.
There are those moments, when Ol' Ironsides is on a crying jag, when I think "am I ever going to survive this?" or "I bet there's a Pi Phi mixer going on somewhere right now" - yet a byproduct of childbirth is an emotional mechanism that allows you to relish in your sudden lack of options.
UNC, New York, and especially Los Angeles convince you that no matter where you are, someone else is having a better time. I would spend hours in LA driving around with the Beachwood crew, thinking that our first drop of "fun" in eight months was just at the next party. In Chapel Hill, I used to routinely close Molly Maguires or Hell or Henry's listening to the faint siren song of "wait, don't go to bed yet!"
What is it about choices being taken away that elicits such freedom? I suppose it's another case of "happy mediums" but when Lucy screams, it blanches my life clean of all options. And to tell the truth, it's not all that bad.
Lorraine Tobias and I were talking about a couple of road trips we took in our senior years at college - she had a VW Bus with a bunch of her roommates caroming through Oregon, and I had a Winnebago full of friends doing the same thing on the PCH. Both of us were dirt poor at the time, I can't even recall how on earth how I paid for gas (that thing got 5 mpg). I was a wreck, emotionally unstable, fits of ecstasy surrounded by saharas of depression, but hey, "I had my freedom" <- say in robotic voice
I hope we can all find a happy medium in this parenthood thing. I still long for a crappy highway, bad theories at 3am and a half-bottle of Cuervo 1800. But I really don't miss a moment of some invisible Calypso telling me that if I just stay up one hour longer, I might find eternal happiness.
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with the cherry blossoms today at the Brooklyn Botanical Garden
[whispers]: Psst - hey, that's Brooklyn *Botanic* Garden!
[laughs, knowing he'll look silly after Ian, as always, fixes it]
Congratulations on finding some real happiness!
what a gorgeous image. you two look positively serene. and i can practically taste the sweet fresh air (this coming from someone sitting at a desk in smog-drenched bangkok).
whatever you are feeding lucy, keep it up! looks like you've got a three-month-old in that bjorn!
(n.b. i just got back from holiday and replied late to oliver and ian re/ oj on the 27 april post. for anyone who cares. for those who don't have time: oliver was right; and i'm sorry for harshing on ian's view of the mess.)
I know what you mean. For me, the biggest change was constantly being NEEDED by my daughter. I have always been a solitary person -- I really like my time alone, spent reading, thinking, exercising, whatever. When we brought our newborn home, all that "me time" went out the window. I barely had time to shower or brush my teeth each day! Forget reading or watching movies. To be honest, this is part of the reason I did not nurse -- I figured that I would NEVER have time to myself if I spent hours and hours each day being literally attached to my baby. This is also what propelled me out of the house to return to work. I needed some personal fulfillment outside of mothering.
Judging from all the parenting books out there now, I am not supposed to feel this way, don't you agree? We are all supposed to automatically become these "Earth Mother/Father" figures, who selflessly give, give, and give. This is directly in conflict with the way we have been living our lives for the 30+ years before parenthood, when we were living for us, us, us. I guess what I am saying is that while we parents can't be all about us, us, us anymore, it is important to still find some time each week for ourselves. I am a happier person that way, and all my interactions with my daughter are much more positive because I have tended to my needs in addition to her's. And, as they say, if the mother is not happy, no one in the house is happy.
That's sad about your whole life up to now sucking so bad. I get like that. But you know, the guy who enjoys braggings about the youthful escapades may have a point too.
I also want to second or third that that's a wonderful photo. Made me smile.
damn straight, laurie from manly dorm. (me again, i'm lurking to make up for lost time...)
Laurie is right about getting some time to yourself. Equally important is time with your spouse WITHOUT the baby. We have friends here who actually are proud of the fact that they haven't been anywhere alone in 5 YEARS! That is not good for your sanity. A happy marriage goes a long way toward happy kids in my opinion. The grandparents are nearby (in Asheville NC) for weekend getaways and the sitter is at the ready for our evenings out. And I mean restaurants without highchairs stacked at the door and a lengthy wine list.
Ian, I love your blog. Where else can I get a "damn straight!" to one of my opinions? Where were you people 5 years ago, when all my suburban Earth Mama Neighbors made me the cul-de-sac pariah for feeding my baby formula, placing my 10-week-old baby in a day care center at the end of my maternity leave, and for working?? We all suffer from Mama/Daddy Guilt at some point or another, but I got a pretty large dose of it at the time. We parents need to be Uniters, not Dividers!
Ian, you are exactly right about wanting to find a happy medium. That is the most you can ask for in the give and take world of parenting, and the quicker you find out what that happy medium is, the better. For us, our happy medium involves a two-income household, 50/50 split in all the household/childcare chores, and one child. My husband and I know our limitations. What works for us won't work for everyone else, and vice versa. Pinpoint what makes all the members of your little family happy and run with it!
I'll second that "damn straight" to you Laurie. Parents need to support one another. This blog shows how a community of people - some complete strangers - can come together and support new parents in the maze of parenthood. I think all the judgmental parental stuff comes from those who need to justify their decisions about child rearing when one size does not fit all.
Bud, just for you, I'm going to leave it incorrect. Or incorrectly, even.
Laurie, what was your last name at Carolina? I think I have a pic of you...
As the mother of a one year old daughter, I believe you can achieve a happy medium. I'm Canadian so I'm lucky that I had twelve months to discover how to acheive it.
I found that the "fourth trimester"--baby's first three months of life was very pleasant. You're running on adrenalin and even though you're tired, the baby's so portable you can take her anywhere pretty much. I took my daughter to many matinee movies--a nice adult activity. So in some ways I felt a lot more freedom than at five months where I more or less hit the wall. The fatigue really sets in and the kid started to go to bed at 7 and wake up at 7. It was great to have the free time, but in some ways you're a prisoner in your own home. I often thought (not that I'd ever do it) "Well, I could go out and probably nothing would happen." When you're used to being happy-go-lucky and happy-go-anywhere, it's a bit confining. That's why I would recommend the following: 1. If Lucy isn't sleeping though the night at 5 or 6 months, read Dr. Ferber; and 2. As Laurie says get some babysitters. Our first babysitter had way more experience with newborns even though a spent every day with one.
And once you start working again with a good nanny/daycare/babysitting situation, you might feel even freer. Not that you could really go on a roadtrip, but you're so happy to see the kid at the end of the day you realize the enormity of the gift you received.
Keep having fun.
Maiden name is Winkler. Sarah W and I were roommates that freshman year 1986-87, we lived across the hall from Julianna H and Robin K.
A pic of me? Good grief. I can't imagine. . I was a hermit. I spent most of freshman year in my room or in the library. I was still in Stressed Out/Out-of-State Student Overachiever mode and not much fun to be around. You know, my pre-Lexapro days! Anyway, if you have a pic, I'd be impressed. You'd truly be an archivist if that is the case!
You know, somewhere in a photo album in my basement, I actually have a pic of Jon V and Sarah W from what looks to be some kind of formal. Perhaps she was his date for the evening? I can't remember. I think I also have a pic of you, Julianna, and Sarah standing between Grimes and Manly Dorms in the snow, and you three have shorts on. Some kind of freak Carolina snow storm before spring break. I remember these photos because I took them. Strange, huh? Makes you wonder where all those images of you taken during college are --
Oh, and I forgot to tell you that you look as though you have already found your happy medium! Believe me, my little family of 3 does not have any family shots like that one. We look more like haggard deer caught in the headlights in our photos. We start to look more at ease at the 2 month mark, when Helen started sleeping through the night and I became convinced we could not accidentally drop and break her. You can't fake the serenity and peace that is captured in your photo. Keep up the awesome work, little family!
I remember you, Laurie (nee) Winkler!
I think you were one of the folks we had such a hard time coming up with a nickname for, for the EGDAP invitations.
What *did* we come up with, anyway?
I'm guessing something like Laurie (nudge, nudge) Winkler?
The cherry blossums and sleepy-head Lucy are gorgeous. Can you add an odor feature to your site? I like baby smell even more than cherry blossums.
Hey Laurie, like this one?
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Yes! That's the snowy day! I think that I was the photographer behind the camera for that picture, wasn't I? Man, you ARE the archivist!
You remember me, Bud? I am flattered. I've got news for you. I had the biggest crush on you that whole year. Thought you were quite cute and interesting. Not that I ever lightened up or stopped studying long enough to let anyone know. I was so shy and uptight at 18! Perhaps if I had left the library or my room once in a while, we could have been friends.
P.S.: hope I have not freaked anyone out. The wonders of the Internet, huh? True confessions from a distant acquaintance are made possible nearly 20 years later! Ha!
:-)
I'm not freaked out at all - quite flattered! I had no idea, but I did always have a great admiration for you studious types. I always felt like that's what I was *supposed* to be doing, but there were always so many other things to do....
I'm glad we're friends here online now.
Thanks, Bud. I am glad we are online friends as well.
Yes, all of my hours spent studying were indeed worthwhile. After all, they led to all the Glory That Is Mine here at The Insurance Job! I am Queen of Cubicle World! 7am Commuter of the Beltway! My collegiate dream realized. Please. . . try to contain your envy. Ha!
I think you actually had the right idea back then. I got a late start on the "other interesting things to do" part of school.
Take care and keep hiking! I lived in Lexington, VA for 3 years and hiked some of the Appalachian Trail as well.