xtcian

No, it's not enough to derive your identity from your kid, but you already know that. But go ahead. Try this little exercise.

Give up. Become ordinary. Hang around with ordinary people (you'll have to give up your extraordinary friends; you can't have it both ways.) Heck, the baby must be reading on a first-grade level by now. That'll give you something to talk about. Before long, you'll find yourself thinking: "This is it? This is what I'm going to do for the next 50 years? Are you joking? People actually live like this???"

The truth of the matter is, Ian, that there are many interesting and involved people in the world. And they all get tired from time-to-time. I think that keeping up with this blog must be excruciating, if only because you're called to take into account your thoughts and emotions and marshall them into a coherent piece almost every day of your life. I'm a writer, too. I know how exhausting it is. I'm also twenty years older than you, have never participated in the life of a blog, but have followed yours since the election because you did such a wonderful job of distilling the events and putting them in a wider context. You've pretty much done that ever since. (Of course, there have been occasional lapses.)

But don't get a swelled head. It'll give you more of a headache. Stop swearing so much (it truly takes a tremendous amount of energy to feel "FUCK!") and have some faith in the rest of us. Stop worrying about how high your flame is compared to other flames and just make sure you're feeding it with the right fuel to keep you warm. You'll make it. I've seen pictures of you here and I have to say that you look better and stronger now than you did ten years ago. You're heading in the right direction. Keep going.

Wow - Stephanie said it so well that I have little to add.

We're at that age, aren't we? I've been having similar thoughts.

But you will never become ordinary. And you should not give up the fight. And you ARE doing better than 20 years ago.

I would wonder if something specific brought on today's entry, although it needn't have. Maybe a rejection in another difficult-to-achieve artistic goal made you think, "You know, maybe I should just be a daddy." Or maybe you saw W. on the news again. Or maybe you came across another classic Pink House party invite.

I used to love the fight(s). The goals then were so obvious. But of course, I had less support then. Now it's the time we're supposed to grow up. But is that all there is? Is that all there is?

You will still have an extraordinary life, create extraordinary things, and be an extroadinary person no matter what you do. You have little choice in the matter -- sorry. Maybe by the time you read these comments, your moment of doubt will have passed.

I'm not going to go on, because I shouldn't be self-congratulatory enough to assume I understand a tenth of anyone else's life, particularly that of someone as talented as you and yours. What is clear is that you are an amazing person, surrounded by an amazing nuclear family, surrounded by an amazing extended family, surrounded by amazing friends, surrounded by amazing fans. You don't have to be amazing all the time, but this is only the beginning of all the ways you will change people's lives, rather than the end. Whether it's through film, writing, family...yeah, things change, but you still have unique gifts to give the world, as long as it makes you at least a little bit happy to still be doing so.

Hmmm. I don't know really what you are talking about, but your entry made me think of my bad day yesterday.

My day at the Insurance Job was marred by petty criticisms from my extremely snarky boss. He found errors in my work product and blamed me for problems in some team projects that were beyond my control. He was very condescending and insulting, as usual.

This kind of thing happens on a weekly basis, but it occurred on the same day that I received a letter from the Order of the Golden Fleece about the new Argonauts at UNC. I started thinking, "goddamnit, I was Phi Beta Kappa! I was inducted into the Order of the Golden Fleece! I used to feel so excited about my potential and my future, and now I spend my days working in a miserable spider hole for a bipolar man who enjoys making me feel like an idiot. What the F has happened to me?" I have become a character out of "Office Space." My life is Dilbert personified! Ugh!

On some days, I feel so ordinary that I can't stand myself. I do the 9-5 white collar thing, the soccer-mom thing, the PTA mom thing, the commuter thing -- it is all so ordinary. My flame used to be high and bright. Now, it has all but extinguished.

But,you know, there are certain realities in my life. 1) my Insurance Job, though full of daily indignities, pays well and I need my salary to pay for things like our mortgage, our cars, our house, food, clothes, healthcare. 2) I have a child and I need to take care of her. Not just take care of her financially, but take care of her so that she knows she is loved and is important to me. Spending time at my salary-generating Job and spending time with my daughter (and my husband, let's not forget him!) means less time spent with me and my dreams and flames. So, I try to balance it all and do the best I can.

Sorry to ramble. You have greatness in you, no doubt about that. Don't be so hard on yourself. And, keep taking that Celexa!

And, hey, if you want to take a break from your blog to do things like, sleep or walk your dog or care for your newborn, we would all understand. Blogging should be something you enjoy, and if it becomes a source of stress and resentment, feel free to take a break! We fans can always take a look at your archives! I am frankly surprised that you have been able to keep up at this pace, post-Lucy. Hope that you have a good weekend. Take care of yourself.

Ian - you can always build a new fire. I did.

Sometimes I think back about that other fire and remember how high the flames were and how freakin' cool that fire looked.

But this new fire I built is cool in a different way and it keeps me warm. It may not be in the same place as the old one but I like the new place too.

in the end you want your kid to look at you and think that maybe you weren't such a boring fuck and that maybe you were having a good time and maybe, just maybe, it wouldnt be such a bad thing to be a little bit like you. she might even think in the distant future, when youre gone, that you even knew what you were doing......a little bit.

it's more important now to enjoy your life than it ever was because whether you like it or not youre the prime example of how to live your life for this kid. or she could just get it from watching britney spears on E. your choice. one thing is for sure; she's watching you, she's really hasn't got much else to do until she's 20 or so.

i'm constantly amazed at people who can't figure out why they have problems with thier teenagers. of course they rebel because they've been watching you since day one, had you figured out by the time they were 8, were bored with you by the time the were ten, and have sworn never to be like you by the time they're 13. you're fucking boring!

so dont be boring ian. sure sure, face it that she's here to replace you, and that, in so doing, she's going to chip away at your identity (that's her job after all), but give the kid an example of a life engaged - give the kid a mountain to chip away at - and you'll be fine. this is the best and most fun fight to keep your head above water you're ever going to have, better than a waterpark. and as long as everybody is healthy it's not the deep ocean, it's a water slide so what can happen?

but enough with the awful metaphors. i'll bow out by saying that babies are awful by the way, and having one around is pure drudgery. i understand that some people enjoy it but some of us just have to hang in there until it talks back. that's okay. people don't think it's okay but it is. dont lie to yourself or the baby. guaranteed that it will talk back soon and then everything will start going too fast. this is a good trip. have heart. i enjoy reading your blog. just be that guy.

This post alone should tell you not to let it go. Your words sent chills down my spine; if you're moving even one person, then it's worth the effort, and look at you affecting how many hundreds of us daily, in just one of your guises. Allow yourself to slump for a while, if you need to (you certainly have reason to). Then straighten your shoulders and come back fighting.

(I always think of a postscript.) Music helps, as you know. Gary Jules's version of "Mad World" never fails to make me ache in that inspired way. Just to name one.

You have to do the things you do because you want to be doing them; you can't set some level of external recognition as the benchmark for your success. Success and recognition happen after the hard work is done.

Kids are good though, and they remind us of what success actually is: leaving the world a little better for your having been in it. Think of our Grandmother, who sincerely loved and mothered a veritable army of grandchildren, relations, and BYU students, and the impact she had in the world.

Getting your name in lights is cool and all but in the end it's a pretty ephemeral reward.

Kent is right. Of all of my "accomplishments", I am most proud of my parenting. My little girl is healthy, happy, and loved. Enduring a snarky boss and a dull work environment is a small price to pay for being able to provide for her. Helen, and not my academic or professional accolades, is my imprint on the world. Little Lucy is your imprint. Your little piece of immortality!

I didn't glean from your post today that you're speaking solely about this blog. I think it's a lot bigger than that.

I am here to say "it's okay" and it's completely normal! I'd hate for you to stop writing entries, but that's pure self-interest talking. How else will I avoid my work?

I know shortly after Mia arrived (nearly 23 months ago!) I recognized a huge change in my life. I lost my "killer instinct." My priorities had been renegotiated at a subliminal level. I had a hard time coping with my new order. I was often heard saying "Why do I suddenly suck at my job?" "Why can't I have a coherent conversation about anything but baby stuff?" and *gasp* "I don't have time to think about/listen to/read that"....on and on. Who had I turned into?

So, it took me a while to come to terms with the New Me. I consulted friends, and learned this phenom is not exclusive to me. And here you are...further evidence.

I am hear to share that my anecdotal research has concluded that you'll get that "killer instinct" back. Don't fret, this is just a temporary stroll in the park that you need to enjoy, the rest of us be damned.

Having kids doesn't make you "boring." I can't imagine anyone who has kids saying that. I don't know what I was doing with my free time before Mia and Dominic, but it certainly wasn't anything worth while.

Take care.

BTW - when I say you'll get it back - think in YEARS.

And: Leave it to me to always slip in some silly typo (hear/here). Have to stop doing two things at once....

The universe has always made the future I imagined (ordinary or extraordinary) happen.

It just never took place on my timeline.

Don't forget to keep imagining.

Honestly, I think a lot of your problems would be solved if you more often looked to pass out of the double-team.

You have captured your state of mind like the poet in you, of course you will be defined by what you choose next. I know you will choose to keep pushing the ball up the hill, because you know it's the right thing to do. It just makes the highs that much higher. Don't worry about it being someone elses turn. Imagine the pressure to be extraordinary on the day everyone else does there fair share. (That was supposed to sound stupid) Anyway, we love you and can't wait to come see Lucy.

give in for the first six months - it's ok for your kid to define you for awhile. outside interests will eventually start to creep back in and then you can sort thru everything and work out some sort of balance between fawning papa and selfish pursuits. that's what i've found anyway.

What is this? Postpartum D? Writer's block of the soul?

I've had the latter. It sucks.

Presumably you see a physician periodically? And/or perhaps a counselor of some sort? I recommened you bring this up at the next such meeting, and maybe you should make an appointment today.

Yes, you have more life of your own to live. You ain't even done your *good* shit yet.

Anyway, if you try to derive your identity from Lucy, you'll screw her up, so I guess that's out.

Take a deep breath, and do the next thing on your 'to do' list. Make it a few deep breaths if necessary, or a few hundred.

Oh -- and if you stop writing this blog, we will surely DIE, every single one of us.

PS -- Feel free to call a friend. You know our numbers.

print out stephanie's post and read it daily until you feel better. she said it all.

and realize that even though you didn't physically have the baby that men go through post partum phases too. women worry about whether they are good enough mothers and men worry about their flame!

the hill only looks steeper now because you have a baby in the backpack now. so if you have to step back for awhile and take a breath from time to time thats ok.

I still am not sure what you were talking about, but, I agree with Bud. We would all die without your blog. If you stop blogging, I just COULD NOT tolerate the mind-crushing boredom of my Insurance Job. I'd quit, burn through our savings during my unemployment, and my family would be homeless and penniless. You don't want that on your hands, now do you?

Just so you don't misunderstand me, I am not giving you permission to quit blogging, just to slack off on all other meaningful career pursuits -- for a while.

Good Lord, Ian. Stop taking yourself so damn seriously.

I'd write more, but I'm still flipping through my dictionary looking up "postopian" and "diaspora."

*kiss*

I can tell
by the smell
you're not feeling very well
disapora
pfth pfth
disapora
pfth pfth

Hmmm...think I *do* have issues with growing up...

Ian, this sounds like black-and-white, either/or thinking. I should know, because I tend to do it myself. You can drive yourself nuts with it. I've done that, too.

Just BE for a while now. You have experienced a life-changing event. Try to let go and surrender to what is happening now, and don't assume you're doomed to the scrap heap.

My 2 cents, FWIW. ( =prolly about 2 cents) ;-)
- Anne

Ian: Lucy is about 4 weeks old now, right? So you're being woken up about 4 times a night, and being the supportive husband you appear to be I bet you get up with Tessa and ol' Ironsides. Fractured sleep will do this to you. The high of Lucy's birth is wearing off, and reality is sinking in. Having a newborn is really not that fun. You work your ass off and she doesn't really notice! But soon, well, if 8 more weeks can be considered soon to you, she will stop wailing at the end of the day because her nervous system is overloaded. Soon she will sleep for more than 3 hours at a time. And soon you might realize that you have changed, for the better.
My Mother often said to me that life is pretty boring. I set out to prove her wrong, but now I'm 35 with 3 kids, and I realize she's right. My moments of free time and travel are infrequent, but that's okay for now. There was a book I once read about sequencing your life. If I can find it on Amazon, I'll send you the exact name. Anyway, you've entered a new chapter. Embrace it!

Tanya wins!

A month ago when you solicited baby advice, I suggested you circle the 6 week birthday and told you life would look a lot different then as you would actually get to sleep again.

Ask me about my week. In the last 72 hours I have taken power of attorney over my mother in law, had the locks changed on her house, rented a storage space, moved all of her stuff out of her house. If I don't sell her house by the end of the month, she'll be out about $500k. I'm sorting through tens of thousands of her debts. I've recycled 4 months worth of her wine and vodka bottles (over 400 bottles). I got home at 6 am after forcing her into the hospital to detox - it was that or have her thrown in jail, which I also would have done if she hadn't gone in to the ER. I've driven over 1000 miles back and forth.

I'm tired, I'm feeling very ordinary, and I feel damn good because I did the right thing.

I've had a few so please pardon my post.

I don't know you from anyone else but I've been reading your blog daily since the last election and I have a tremendous amount of respect for you and your family. I can only offer you the same advice that I give myself from time to time and which has been passed on from time immortal....

Get up off the ground, dust yourself off and get back on the horse. Don't be a pussy.

I have to kick myself in the ass regularly and I often need friends and strangers alike to remind me of that ancient advice.

Sorry to put it that way and everyone can feel free to punish me in which ever way you feel necessary.

I am a big fan of your blog, I have been very impressed that you have kept it up given the turns in your life but in the end, you and you alone will have to decide to either climb back up in that saddle..... everyday........ or just walk along in the mud and dust with everyone else.

I hope I see you riding tall.

Well, this - in all seriousness - has been fascinating. This blog was written about a couple of things in particular, and not necessarily what everyone thought, but it sure has evoked a lot of great writing on everyone's part.

Re-reading the entry, I can see why everyone went the direction they did. Suffice to say, there's some great stuff in the comments, which is awesome, because you often get the best answers from unasked questions.

Sorry to be so oblique. Sometimes you have to write in metaphors to insure discretion. Maybe I should stick to baby photos for a while.

"Really, I'm the only one left. Everyone else has gone on with their routines, exploded in their Diaspora, and I'm still the little kid waving the captured flag, hoping somebody will notice."

Yeah, I know the feeling. But what else can you do? Wave the flag! It's who you are. I notice. Victory in the Wind from a Distance!

(It takes time, which is an illusion to begin with.)

I really appreciate your efforts. In fact it amazes me you can pull it off day to day. I couldn’t. If the effort becomes too much, take a break. Or blow it off entirely. Whatever. Relax. Take a Valium.

You are a beacon for GenX. As a Pepperland Boomer (1955), I greatly appreciate your insights.

Though I still haven’t been able to concisely define them, there are differences between our "generations."

Late to the dance, again, pun intended, but I want to weigh in anyway. I ask myself similar questions on a far-too-regular basis, but have, over time and with the help of dear friends and effexor, developed a series of answers that help me stay the course. My work is choreography, but I think you can "insert writing here" and the advice/reminders work just fine.

1. NO ONE sets OUT to make a bad dance. There is so much dreck out there getting produced and performed and toured etc, that it makes a poor starving artist want to scream, but nobody makes bad dances on purpose. It is not a plot. [Perhaps an allusion to reality TV might be appropriate here?:)] And God knows I make bad dances, try as I might NOT to. Operative word here: TRY.

2. Which leads to: remember the commercial with the baker/pastry guy getting up at 3:30 am, all tired and grumpy? The punch line was: "It's time to make the donuts." That's the truth--the alarm goes off, and it's time to make the dances, the movies, the scripts, the sonatas, the abstract expressionism. Our world is a much better place because we are at LEAST as dedicated as the folks at Krispy Kreme.

3. Every piece of art we make facilitates the creation of GREAT art., by us OR somebody else. My work in some small way is the fodder, the feeding ground, the fertilizer, the departure point, for the really great stuff by Mark Morris or Trisha Brown--think of it as the "trickle UP effect" --the milk pushing the cream to the top. Absolutely essential to the process.

All this to say, dear Ian: remember in those periods of fallowness that you have got boatloads of people who take inspiration from what you do, and that it is a vital, crucial, irrevocable ingredient in making this world a better place.

Just Andrew - I've been there w/mom issues (mental illness, not drunkenness, though) - you did do the right thing. Congrats on getting through something so awful.

Trajan - No punishment necessary unless you want it that way (*joke*).

Ian - Well, whatever it was about, the entry and the comments really made me feel a little better about my own life-changing issues...

I came back today to see what later commenters wrote (Ian, you really attract a lot of cool people, whether you've met them or not). I reread the original post, and damned if it didn't send more chills down my spine. I may not know what it refers to, but I resonate to the words regardless--they're more universal than you might think. Good luck with whatever issue it is you're wrestling with. And thanks for sharing it, even obliquely, with us.

I came back this morning to see if there were any big disclosures. Hmmm. What is tantalus? Is this entry about work? friends? diapers?

Well, I have got to load my Honda Odyssey and take Helen to her t-ball game. Yea, that's me, the Suburban Mom, among other things. Hope you are having a good weekend. Perhaps it is time for more photos of Baby Feet (my favorite!) and Chopes. I kind of miss Chopes. What is he up to these days? Is this entry about Chopes??? I think I cracked the case! It is about Chopes!

as to what is tantulus: (from pantheon.org)

"Tantalus was the son of Zeus and was the king of Sipylos. He was uniquely favored among mortals since he was invited to share the food of the gods. However, he abused the guest-host relationship and was punished by being "tantalized" with hunger and thirst in Tartarus: he was immersed up to his neck in water, but when he bent to drink, it all drained away; luscious fruit hung on trees above him, but when he reached for it the winds blew the branches beyond his reach.

There are differing stories about what Tantalus' crime was. One account says that he tried to share the divine ambrosia with other mortals, and thus aroused the ire of the gods. A more famous account says that he invited the gods to a banquet and served them the dismembered body of his own son, Pelops; when the gods discovered the trick, they punished Tantalus and restored Pelops to life, replacing with ivory a part of the shoulder which had been eaten by Demeter.

Tantalus' family was an ill-fated one. His daughter, Niobe, lost all her children and was turned to stone. His son, Pelops, was murdered, cooked, and restored to life. His grandsons, Atreus and Thyestes, struggled for power, and Atreus committed a variation of Tantalus' cannabilistic trick with Thyestes' children. His great-grandson, Agamemnon, was murdered by another great-grandson, Aegisthus, who was in turn killed by a great-great-grandson, Orestes."

and then again isn't a tantalus also a liquor cabinet?

Thanks kjf! Ian, you have the best blog audience ever!

No idea if it's intentional or not, but Quinn of the QC Report's 5/13 entry (sorry, I'm not sure how to make a link here) can be read as a thoughtful response to one possible interpretation of this entry.

Ian, I hope you will give yourself some time and space to feel your way through this. To say that the birth of a child is "life-changing" seems like such a cliche, but there you have it. It is. It took me weeks before I could even begin to assess all the ways in which I'd changed after my son was born, and how my priorities had shifted.

And, although we adore them, please don't just stick to baby pictures.