7/17/05
When you first started, you only knew how to pine from afar, even laying awake in a single bed mere hours before your parents' divorce, actually crying because you knew there would be no way Helen from the musical would ever kiss you. They were gothic, Russian, romantic crushes on girls who didn't know you were alive because you never told them.
Later, the first kiss occurred after tortured months of happenstance meetings in the dorm, labored-over messages written with black marker on doors. It gave you the wrong impression, namely, that love was a spoken act that could be acquitted through words, and you were always good at that.
You were rejected only two times: once in a throbbing nightclub in downtown Los Angeles in 1988; the other on Vance Street in 1995. This was mostly because you chose well, and you were relentless. When Jay said she was "out of your league," you bloody well seduced her and spent the summer in her black Honda, just to show who was out of anyone's league.
And as the words kept coming, and the machinations revolved, you got further and further away from what was really love, until it became a chalky substance you needed like the drug, no longer enjoyed, but desperate for nonetheless. St. Exupery said that you were responsible for what you had tamed, but the thought filled you with horror once it got that far.
One lesson unlearned happened the last month in North Carolina, when you unleashed a tirade in front of someone, hoping it would actually repel them; yet after two weeks, you were together. Did you ever really have control? Or were you just walking into situations that were already decided?
They never wanted the words, they just wanted a semblance of what they'd seen on TV, read in books, and you did too. Your endless dialogue was close enough, even though they didn't want you to talk, they just wanted the feeling of what you were. Great protagonists never talk, they just wait for you to project your feelings onto their pale skin.
It took years of pain, nights contemplating suicide, a relinquishing of control, before you got close to the real thing. You just hadn't earned it yet, baby. God may punish you by answering your prayers, but he gives you anything you want once you stop caring.
Posted by Ian Williams at July 17, 2005 11:14 PMHmm. Interesting post. For some reason, it has me thinking about my college boyfriend, Philip. I have kissed two boys in my entire life. First was Philip. Second was my law school boyfriend, who became my husband. For real.
I dated Philip for over 3 years, and I think that I just wanted the feeling of what he was. I wanted a "boyfriend." But, you know, he was immature, unkind, inarticulate, uncommunicative, and I wish that I had not wasted the 3 years enjoying the feeling of a "boyfriend" rather than opening my eyes to the reality that we were not a good match. Oh, and he never had any money. I always had to pay for dates, fun, phone bills, etc. Philip, if you ever read this, you owe me a lot of money and I want it back!
My husband is the real deal. He is loving, kind, and the best father I have ever seen. After 10 years of marriage, I am afraid that I take him for granted and don't always let him know that he is the realization of all that I ever hoped for, back in the day when I wondered if I would ever kiss a boy or have a boyfriend or fall in love. Thanks for sparking these thoughts. . . I will have to show him some gratitude tonight!
Nice essay and response. Apparently being slow to learn about all this stuff results in good marriages once you finally figure it all out.
[deleted][C'mon, Joe C, cut it out.]
You talking to me?
I just read your post again and it has really brought back some memories (aside from my horrible "relationship" with cheapskate Philip). I remember all of us Manly Dorm girls analyzing every happenstance meeting in dorms and the labored-over messages written in black marker on wall boards. Oh, the drama! During my senior year, I was a RA in Cobb Dorm, and the drama over crushes and boys was only matched by the drama on Bid Day.
My question is this: are college students still like this? Pining over guys that don't even know you are there? Obsessing over your crush's facial expressions and tone with your friends, to determine if he "likes" you? Or are the college kids of today just skipping all that and going straight for the hook up/f*&k buddy/friends with benefits arrangements that are in the news now. I mean, if Rainbow Parties are actually occurring in middle school, can young folks today even relate to your post?
Adding to Laurie from Manly Dorm's post:
And do guys REALLY put that much thought into their facial expressions and tone of voice when it comes to conversations with the opposite sex? My husband says no, and I tend to believe him, but still...
Laurie,
I can only relay what I hear from my 22 yr old sister (rising 2L) who is living with us this summer. At least in her circle, it seems like there is not near as much pairing off or boyfriend focus as I remember from back in the day. When in undergrad, they spent most of their time in groups, rarely bothered to attend a mixer, and just skipped most of the "logistical stuff." So, seemingly less drama. I guess this new generation is too cool for that!
Thanks for the note to Joe C.
Regarding your post, I am also grateful everyday for my spouse. Wasn't pre-spouse a nightmare?
Laurie, one thing I thought of recently (and was planning to blog about sooner or later) is that now kids can e-mail each other and write their feelings on livejournals, so that probably takes a teeny teeny bit out of the anxiety of going up to someone in the hall to ask them to the dance, or writing on their messageboards. Of course, I imagine kids will always fret over unrequited crushes and analyze things to death, and some will be too shy to confess their feelings, but at least it's a tiny bit easier to communicate when hidden behind a computer screen. You can at least anonymously mail the guy on the 2nd floor of your dorm and say, "Do you have a girlfriend?," as I would have done. Hey, extra information helps.
As for rainbow parties (ewww), I pretty much think that while those things happen, they don't happen everywhere or with every kid.
I read a great book last year called Wonderland by Michael Bamberger about the year he spent shadowing kids in a Pennsylvania high school. There's still the sweetness and naivete on the part of some kids, the longings and crushes. There are also girls who get pregnant, etc. Not everything has changed. It's a good read.
I still have plenty of unrequited crushes, but these days I analyze e-mails instead of facial expressions. Sigh.
Laurie & others,
I'll be a junior at UMD in the fall and I've seen that about half of the relationships are "hook ups" and half are dating (i.e. going to the bar) in a more normal sense. Group things are a big part of it.. it seems that real long-term relationships start from mutual friends. (But not BEST friends, that rarely works.)
As for me, I've done the purely physical "hook up" thing that never went anywhere and ended a little awkwardly, but not painfully. I started hooking up with a casual friend last fall and it ended up as the best serious relationship I've ever had. Except when he eats all my food - he's now limited to cereal and Ramen!
So I guess it's more about what works for each person.
I also experienced a major rejection on Vance Street in 1995. I lived there, though. That break-up pushed me out of town, which seemed the only way to escape the bevy of exes lurking around every corner.