August 11, 2005

okay so you're elvis or something


Ten Things Created in the Last Ten Years I Could Do Without

1. The Hummer - What a gargantuan piece of shit this car is, a testament to cock in its utter lack of nuance, a fuck-you mobile that extends its middle finger to the ozone as it thrashes down the freeway guzzling 400 gallons of ego per mile. Hummer owners, I'm calling you out: what is your problem? This shit isn't funny anymore.

2. DVD navigation - How can we invent a game like Dance Dance Revolution, fix the Hubble telescope and fit 10,000 songs on a machine the size of a cigarette box... and still I can't get anything to work from the "menu" of any DVD? You can't fast-forward DVDs like VCRs used to; more often than not, you end up skipping to the end of the goddamn movie. Also, they don't allow you to skip the FBI warning - what is this, Communist Kamchatka?

3. 2.4 GHz Wireless Telephones - Hey, I've got a great idea: let's take the bandwidth that already has every garage door opener on it, not to mention every single internet wifi signal, and PUT A PHONE ON IT TOO? That way, you can be sure to fuck up the internet for everybody living within 200 feet of you, which in Manhattan means about 60 folks trying to check their email. Oh, and make the phones kind of suck, too.

4. Shamelessness - You might have hated Clinton for getting a blow job, and you might have hated his wife for trying to get you health care, but at least they had shame. When I think of modern Republicans, I'm reminded of the scene in "Goodfellas" when Henry Hill describes the "Fuck you, pay me" ethos of mob goons. This government has a trademark on cruelty, brazenness and self-righteous dunderheadedness.

5. Cell Phone Service in Los Angeles - Can someone please tell me why I'm paying for this? How can the 2nd largest city in America have worse cell phone coverage than rural Iowa? And don't tell me it's because the mountains; if they did it right, the mountains would actually help. If you wonder why movies are so bad right now, it's because nobody creative can ever finish a conversation.

6. "Strappleberry" flavor - I can take "tutti-frutti" and "mixed berry" flavor, but "strappleberry" sounds like a focus-group name that allows you to actually taste the Polysorbate 60 sliding down your throat. It also sounds like an anal fungus sore. You know it does.

7. "That Don't Impress Me Much" by Shania Twain - It isn't that Shania Twain does these little spoken-word coos to begin each song (like "uh-huh!" or "come on, girls!"), it's that "Impress" has several spoken sections like "okay, you're Brad Pitt" that are so ear-screechingly awful that I want to claw my own forehead off from utter twee. Also, this song mentions someone who is too smart, too good-looking, or too in love with his car(?) to have the "touch," as if those things were mutually exclusive. Plus, she's Canadian and Canadians should know better.

8. Magnetic tags in pants - Please, cashier, can you just remove these motherscratchers when I buy them? I'm really sick of setting off the alarms in other stores because you didn't snip off the ferrite coil stitched into my crotch.

9. Dook's and K's 3rd Championship - I know we - CAROLINA, that is - just won it all, but it doesn't stop me from wanting to go back and erase 2001. It makes perfect sense that a year that saw the illegal instatement of a frat boy as President and the worst terrorist attack in American history would also see a Dook championship. I'm just happy that the world seems to have righted itself from those awful, awful times.

10. Blogs - Hello? IS THIS THING ON?!?

Posted by Ian Williams at August 11, 2005 11:14 PM
Posted by: Laurie from Manly Dorm at August 12, 2005 5:11 AM

God, I love "Goodfellas." It is my all-time favorite movie!

Since I am always full of complaints, I would like to add to your list the following: the proliferation of reality TV (what garbage!) and the backlash against working moms (i.e.: if you were truly a "good" mother, you'd be home with your baby instead of pursuing your own professional goals)

The one thing invented in the past 10 years that I could definitely NOT do without? Lexapro, Baby!

Posted by: caveman at August 12, 2005 6:11 AM

wow....5:11AM...that has to be a new record

Posted by: caveman at August 12, 2005 6:15 AM

I stand corrected, jaunty hat at 4:55AM yesterday

Posted by: scruggs at August 12, 2005 6:42 AM

I think Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion would come in a close 11th.

Posted by: Greg from Winston Dorm at August 12, 2005 7:02 AM

dook's (never, ever capitalize the name Ian) 2nd National Championship. chrissy laettner should have been disqualified for stomping on the chest of a player and then he never makes that shot--the one that still gives Pitino the cold sweats in the middle of the night.

At least during our reign in Chapel Hill, the Tar Heels beat them more than they beat us.

And, let's not forget, WE are the National Champions right now.

Posted by: Laurie from Manly Dorm at August 12, 2005 8:20 AM

Caveman, you aren't in reality my Boss at the Insurance Job, keeping track of my internet surfing, are you? I'd hate to be dooced for being a blog READER each morning. . . .

Posted by: JD at August 12, 2005 8:43 AM

I agree mostly. However, weren't 2.4 ghz phones around long before wifi was even brainstormed?

Oh, and I HATE Shania Twain.

Posted by: Bud at August 12, 2005 9:39 AM

I think the Hummer is a testament to *lack* of cock...

At least when Clinton got a "hummer"...


Posted by: Joe at August 12, 2005 10:26 AM

I'm genuinely surprised you stopped yourself at ten - that's showing more restraint than I ever could've. And not one regrettable band on here, when there have been sooooo many to choose from - dude, where is the hate?

Posted by: tregen at August 12, 2005 11:19 AM

sorry to jump on the band wagon here but....

11. Fox news / O'Reily - Can anyone actually watch this crap?

12. All the othe news outlets.

13. AP - Not to sound like Joe C here but is there any real doubt that the AP is more or less a propaganda machine for our government? The associated press has to crawling with spook types.

14. everything else.

Posted by: Dan at August 12, 2005 11:49 AM

I ahve to agree about the LA cell phone thing. You would think the phones were MADE for this city, yet I can't get a signal on one of the largest movie studios in the world. It is insane.

Posted by: blog_reader at August 12, 2005 12:59 PM

I like Laurie's posts usually but maybe she can let someone else go first!

Posted by: kjf at August 12, 2005 1:37 PM

how about those "baby on board" stickers on cars?

and i'm guessing that laurie posts at an ungodly hour because she is a working mother ( i know ALL mothers are working mothers but you know what i mean) and the crack o' dawn is the only time her kids and husband and office leave her alone!!!

and as for the cell phone service in los sucks. my kids both live there and have been through every service provider and have concluded that the best service is verizon (and cingular - or whatever they are now - is the worst)

Posted by: Chris M at August 12, 2005 2:17 PM

my suggestions:

-Reality Shows
-Tattoos, popularity of

Posted by: Claudia at August 12, 2005 2:58 PM

Ladies' room toilets that flush automatically, usually at inopportune times. Flushing, much like wiping, is something I prefer to take care of myself, thank you very much.

Posted by: Laurie from Manly Dorm at August 12, 2005 3:28 PM

Sorry to be a blog hog -- I guess that is one of the side effects of being at work at 7am, especially during the summer. Come on, admit it, you TOO wish you could be a corporate tool at work at 7am instead of sleeping in your comfortable beds! Anyway, I will try to follow blog etiquette and use more self-restraint. . . : )

Posted by: nb at August 12, 2005 7:31 PM

you rock laurie from manly dorm

Posted by: Bud at August 12, 2005 8:34 PM

I agree with nb -- lfmd rocks. Keep commenting as much as you like, Laurie! :-)

Posted by: DB at August 12, 2005 10:28 PM

I have to second Shania Twain. During the "talking" part of the song, I always say, "So you've got a ten inch cock." Makes me laugh. The wife, not so much.

Speaking of cocks/Hummers, have you checked out Pix of people flipping off Hummer drivers. Insanely great.

Are you sure it's not "Streppleberry?" As in Streptococcus?

LFMD does fucking rock.

Posted by: Laurie from Manly Dorm at August 13, 2005 5:20 AM

Gosh. No one has ever said that I fucking rock before! I like that! I think that I will add that tagline next to my name sign on my cubicle "LWT, Senior Contract Specialist, Corporate Legal Department,. . . I fucking rock!"

I do need to Shut The F Up sometimes, though. I could also get my own blog, but I know that it would not be NEARLY as interesting as Ian's. Even I would not want to read it. Ian, I like the way your mind works . . . I am literally compelled to comment each day!

And I totally agree with the tattoos and automatic flushing toilets. . . ick! Have a nice weekend.

Posted by: LFMD at August 13, 2005 5:26 AM

Oh, and I forgot to say that Ian fucking rocks, Cutie Pie Lucy fucking rocks, his loving wife and family fucking rock, all of his brilliant friends fucking rock, and all of his insightful readers and commenters fucking rock the roof off of the house!

And Big Mac Daddy Chopin fucking rocks most of all!

Posted by: kjf at August 13, 2005 6:56 AM

laurie i think you found the name for your own blog! keep the comments coming!!

Posted by: Jeff in Davidson at August 13, 2005 7:52 AM

How about all of those "Information Panels" on the interstate? You think they could give you some useful information like, "You really need to take the next exit because this four lane interstate is going to dwindle down to one lane and you are going to SIT, SIT, SIT IN YOUR FUCKING CAR FOR THE NEXT TWO AND A HALF HOURS AND ONLY MOVE 1.5 MILES HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!"

Instead you get, "DOT Test Message"

Posted by: Matt at August 13, 2005 6:33 PM

"Hummer owners, I'm calling you out: what is your problem? This shit isn't funny anymore."

My Ankeny, Iowa neighbors have two, a His and a Hers. That is a bit... what's the word? Vainglorious? Thing of it is, if you complained to them about it they might buy a third just out of spite.

Somebody above complained about the AP being a tool of our government. Google "AP bias" and see what you find.

Posted by: search engine at August 18, 2005 3:10 PM

i come from best search engine

Posted by: Tony at August 23, 2005 10:24 AM

RE: 3. 2.4 GHz Wireless Telephones,

Don't forget your microwave oven also occupies this frequency range.

Posted by: James at August 23, 2005 2:48 PM

Adding to the list of things... I could really do without those stupid magnetic faux ribbons that people stick to their cars. You know, the ones proclaiming the vehicle owners support for this or that? Really, you're just supporting the Chinese company that manufactures magnetic stickers. Try sending that dollar to a charity if you REALLY care.

Posted by: Craig S. Cottingham at August 23, 2005 4:07 PM

James -- I seem to recall seeing (or at least reading about) magnetic ribbons that read "I Support Some Guy in China Who Made This Ribbon".

Posted by: zane at August 23, 2005 5:46 PM

What do 'baby on board' signs do, anyway? Are you supposed to be careening toward that car in an out-of-control drunken police chase, see the sign and just stop? Seriously, what the hell are they for?

Posted by: Vanderleun at August 23, 2005 9:02 PM

The Clintons? They have shame? The "others" are shameless? Look again. Flipside of the same rock.

Posted by: zarryo at August 23, 2005 9:40 PM

This is an awesome post. The part about dvd navigation had me rolling!

Posted by: Stankleberry at August 24, 2005 11:32 AM

Haha, number 4 is pretty stupid. Did you feel like you just had to say something bad about the people that are better than you, even if you didn't have anything specific to say?
"Der de der, the Democrats might really be a bunch of morons because they lie and try to turn us into socialists, but those Republicans are like bad guys from a movie. That is all."
People that are better than you have been around for a lot longer than a decade.

Posted by: James Hart at August 24, 2005 5:39 PM

PLEASE, someone uninvent spam!
(but I like your 10)

Posted by: Luke at August 25, 2005 4:25 AM

I had to stop listing the things I hate, as the lists were getting too big. Instead I list the things I like, as there are less of them and the lists are easier to make.

Posted by: justin at August 26, 2005 12:06 AM

Wow, a Carolina fan! #9 all the way.

Posted by: The Cubelodyte at September 13, 2005 8:23 AM

Actually, "Strappleberry" sounds like a cereal flavor that comes with a free ball gag and zipper mask in every box.

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