8/15/05
Look, I'm telling you right now, I might wipe my nose on my napkin. If there's nothing else in sight, and I can do it clandestinely, what do you care? It's made of cloth and as long as I don't make any noise, I don't see why it's always such a big deal.
Would you rather I lie? Pretend to sneeze and then just go ahead and do what I was going to do anyway? No. I'm honest about it. You don't need to inspect my napkin. Why don't you just go on with your conversation?
And you, little Indian girl. Yes, you, the one at Dollis School in London when we were eleven. You stared at me for an entire week when I first got there, and finally I said what??? and you said "You put your cup over your face when you drink."
So I don't tip my head back all the way. So my glass goes into my face. I didn't even know there was a rule for that. And we were eleven! And it was my first week there, an American in London, couldn't you have been a little nicer?
By the way, I am going to blow on my food to cool it down. I won't do it at any of you, but I'm going to do it regardless. And eating soup? The spoon will head toward me when I do it. I know pushing the spoon away from you is supposed to be good manners, but frankly, it feels wrong and looks stupid. It looks self-aware. If you do it, I'll just stare and wonder why that sort of shit is so important to you.
Okay, so I'll surrender to your goddamn chopsticks. At this point, using chopsticks when we have a perfectly good fork lying around - this is post-Bronze Age, you know - seems stupid, but I'll try. But if I drop it, I'm using my fingers. Same goes for those big, messy rolls called "The Samurai" or "The Leafy Dragon." I just don't care what you think anymore. It's not like I fart. I don't. In fact, if you show me someone who pushes the spoon away from them, I'll show you a world-class farter.
I'm glad we had an opportunity to talk about this.
I really think we've scared Laurie From Manly Dorm into some type of "I-swear-I-won't-be-the-first-one-to-post-even-if-I'm-the-last-poster-left-on-eath" mentality. Bless her heart.
As for the above. THANK YOU. There's nothing more irritating that some put-upon manners Nazi who runs around correcting the sweeping motion of spoons of patrons everywhere. Besides, if you're so caught up into the subtle dining habits of others, then you really do need to get a life.
Oh, and speaking of chop sticks - have you had a chance to sample Dim Sum while you're in LA? My parents used to take me to this Chinese restaurant in DC when I was about 9 years old that served THE BEST Dim Sum on the planet. I've been looking for something comparable ever since. Funny, I can't seem to find anywhere here in the Raleigh/Durham/Chapel Hill/Wake Forest area that is nearly as good.
Anyway, tangent.
You know what I hate? Restaurants that have the level of service/showmanship where they put your napkin in your lap for you when you sit down and then fold it just so when you leave your table for a pit stop. I'm sure it's supposed to reflect on the attentiveness of the waitstaff, but for me I mainly feel like I'm 6 years old and being chastized for "forgetting" to do what I should know better. I half expect my mother to appear and start dabbing the corners of my mouth between courses and start lecturing me, or maybe take said napkin and tie it around my neck so I won't dribble on my pretty frock.
I feel like a neanderthal for not knowing the spoon and cup rules. Oh well, I have made it this far without be shunned.
I am curious to know the story that inspired this entry.
The "perfectly good fork" comment made me think of this Seinfeld monologue . . . "I'll tell you what I like about Chinese people... as long as we're on the subject. They're hanging in there with those chopsticks. Still using chopsticks. You know, they've seen the fork. Oh they're well aware that we have the fork. And the spoon. I don't know how they missed it - Chinese farmer, getting up working in the field with a shovel all day... hello, shovel...! there it is... You're not plowing 40 acres with a couple of pool cues..."
Oh, and Ian, we know you do.
I don't know where this puts me, but I'm almost famous for farting, and I definitely pull the bowl of the spoon towards me face when I'm eating.
The Miss Manners stuff, and the obsession with it, is in the same league with people who are grammar police and spelling hounds. The use of grammar has been extremely fluid, the same goes for spelling and for etiquette. Some of these things have important rules, and I understand why one should do everything one can to stop the spread of disease (for instance).
But for things like the proper way to drink a drink... it's only human for people to do what they can in order to separate themselves from the hoi polloi, so they invent language rules and special modes of dress and ways of eating to classify themselves.
Most people come by it honestly. You eat the way you do because of how and where you grew up. You should make no apologies.
Also, there is a thing you do when you eat that I don't really see many other people do. You will run your hand down the outide of a cold drink in order to wet your fingers and then you dry them off, sureptitiously, under the table on your napkin. You do it to keep your hands clean. I find it really endearing, because you want your hands clean when you eat and you've figured out how to make that happen without making a great show of it.
Anyone who doesn't do *that* is simply gauche.
Farting, yes, surreptitiously when necessary.
Chopsticks, never, even in a pinch.
Dim Sum, NY's got dem some, but good luck in RFDBlue (Raleigh Fuckin'Duke YouTrue)!
Blowing on hot food, like they teach ya in school.
Nose-Blowing, anywhere you won't find or mind it.It's good to be back to this high-brow dialogue, a rural free delivery and depot of free speech.
Yes, Tanya, you are on to me. I have been laying low on purpose! I was at work at 6:30am (EST) today, so I could have blown the roof off of my own record. But I didn't. I hate to be a pest on someone else's blog. Plus, I did not really know how to respond to Ian's thoughts about the farting.
I have not been out to dinner without my daughter in tow for the past 6 years, and I know that my manners have deteriorated. Back in the infant years, I learned to eat as fast as I could before Baby had a meltdown and we had to leave. I learned that the hard way when we sat down for a little family meal at Chevy's, and Helen erupted into a big fit right as my huge Margarita was placed on the table. My husband, who does not like public disturbances (I frankly don't care if I create a scene) insisted that we leave asap, and I never got to drink my margarita. Drats! Manners be damned!
By the way, I like the side of the drink thing. I may have to try that.
I think it makes perfect sense to wipe one's nose on one's napkin. It's not as if you're wiping your nose on SOMEONE ELSE's napkin; you're wiping two interconnected parts of your face with one cloth. It's just efficient. It's also better than having mucus run down your upper lip, shimmering in the restaurant's atmospheric lighting.
With regard to Miss Manners, aka writer Judith Martin, she is quite witty, and she herself finds humor in etiquette obsession. You can read her column in the Washington Post, or, check out samples of her answers here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Judith_Martin
LOL!
Pass the finger bowls. ::belch::
- Anne
I apparently smell everything, including the food on my fork as it travels to my mouth. It's been suggested my ancestry might be part hound.
since i'm not sure i have much to add, i thought i'd lob out my very favorite dim sum place in LA:
ocean seafood - 750 hill street, LA 90012
it's absolutely fantastic, in the middle of a cluster of shops in chinatown...and they don't look at you funny if you use a fork.
Okay, I'll admit it, I think blowing your nose in your napkin is gross, but only if it happens to be a napkin at my house and I have to touch it and wash it. I also tend to be one of those grammar police people, but only when I see large signs that went through a design process with lots of people seeing them before they went to press. It bothers me, and I'm not ashamed of that. I don't see why, as far as signs and menus go, things can't be perfect. Blogs and such are another story.
I also have a comment on the folding of the napkin when you leave the table for a pit stop. I worked in fine dining longer than I care to admit, and that particular touch was not to admonish, but to let folks know that we were thinking about them when they weren't there, which is something I've never even gotten from a boyfriend. Also, there is a concept called the "satiation theory". If the napkin is perfect, if the table is clean and crumb-less, and empty glasses are cleared, you will, in the depths of your brain, forget you ate six courses, and feel like you have room for dessert. If your napkin is gross and three empty martini glasses are still on the table, you are more likely to realize how full you are and stumble away. And restaurants make the bulk of their profit on drinks and dessert.
But chopsticks? No way, dude. And farting, well, no thanks on that as well. The only table manners that matter to me is that everyone is sitting down together before people start eating. That just makes me feel warm and squishy.