xtcian

One of my very best pals has ADD. I once told him about a seminar I'd attended in which a doctor insisted that ADD did not exist. My pal responded by saying, "If he thinks ADD doesn't exist, he can just come to my house and blow me. But I hope he won't mind if I watch a movie and work on my novel and string beads at the same time, otherwise I'll get bored." Hah. I'll see if I can get him to send you a note.

I was told in 10th grade that I have ADD and I was put on Adderall to help get through school. My grades weren't bad (but could have been better) and everyone thought that if I took Adderall I'd be able to concentrate and get my work done.

Didn't really help. My grades stayed about the same but I lost an incredible amount of weight. My twin sister and I were both a size 8 during winter break of 10th grade. A little over a year later, at our junior prom, she was still wearing a size 8 and I was in a size 0, which I didn't even know existed prior to buying that dress.

As soon as I finished my final exams in high school, I stopped taking Adderall. I took myself off of it, which I wouldn't recommend. That was a rough summer. I started at UNC in fall 2002 secretly not taking the Adderall that my doctor kept prescribing, because I didn't think I needed it to make it through college. I was right - I'll graduate UNC in May, Adderall free for almost 4 years.

I don't like Adderall. I felt dead all the time and I was never hungry. When I stopped taking it, I felt so much better. Ritalin is no different - I took that for about a month before switching to Adderall. Again, I felt like I was walking through a pool with my clothes on. I felt like I was in slow motion and I was never hungry.

I know some people who have had really great results with both drugs... but I know just as many people who are much happier being a little distracted.

sounds more like OCD to me, dude.

Ditto >block<--sounds like OCD--which means that Kate's meds are NOT what the doctor should order. and congrats, Kate, on May graduation, sans meds! Sounds like the right choice for you.

Ian: so sorry you are in the grip of the amygdalla [is that right? :)]--and i wish you the best--right now MY faith is in one of those people with many years in graduate school, too. Let's hope they didn't skip class on the days of our maladies!!

I don't know much about ADD. Your description sounds more to me like depression. . . with the intense worrying, lethargy, and all. And the past descriptions of the crazy/rabid squirrel dance.

Good luck with your new adventure in the world of psychopharmacology! I have been on a downward spiral of negative thinking/anger since my mother-in-law died last month, and I am beginning to think that Lexapro isn't cutting it anymore. And, I have been on the hunt for a new psychiatrist since my beloved doc is no longer accepting insurance. Ugh.

I took Ritalyn for a while. The first couple of days I took it, it was sooo awesome! I felt like I had more energy than I'd ever had in my whole life all in one day. But after about a week, it didn't work for me anymore.

But then again, I had a food allergy. When I quit eating wheat, I got my energy and my ability to pay attention.

I know, I know... BORING! But you asked!! xoxo

And I agree with block, sounds like OCD. But you know that... I think you lost track of what you were talking about. heehee.

The attempt to code the mileage chart maybe OCD but abandoning it half-way through... classic ADD.

Before you've blogged about depression and SSRIs. Could it be that what you've got is an addiction to medicalization? What about the idea that your problem is free-lancing and mostly solo work? Prima facie it's not a recipe for happiness for a pessimist. Bad work, bad psyche. Love and work is all there is, said Freud. Actually, my mother said that to me. Don't get me started about my mother.

re: the add v. ocd question, check this out:

http://www.addresources.org/article_checklist_amen.php

From a Duke fan living in Chapel Hill and raising a little Tarheel (her daddy went to UNC the same time you did)...ADDERALL XR (extended release). My cool hot gay shrink explained in terms I could understand: Ritalin is like crank, Adderall is like high-grade cocaine. Really, a no-brainer. And you will feel a little "different" at first, but the creative, eesential you-ness WILL NOT be lost or disappear. You don't have to suffer depression to crank out great art. No, you will have more time to be creative beacuse you will be able to take care of all the little stuff that gets in the way. Often ADD adn depression/bi-polar go hand in hand, take care of the "easy" one, the ADD, and theothers tend to fall inline. Best of luck. Been there.

i must add my voice to the OCD vs ADD chorus. and OCD is typically co-morbid with depression, while that's not so often the case with ADD. that said, many of these issues run on a scale, so you may have a slight tendency towards OCD-like behavior (i'd probably even include blogging in that), which could be better handled with great cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) rather than meds. if you're back in LA, i can recommend my kick-ass therapist.

either way, it's worth exploring the question with a doctor you trust. that's all i can suggest, since meds are such a personal thing, and they do work differently for different people, epecially if you're already taking another cocktail of stuff.

LFMD, just thought i'd recommend a favorite book to you: "how to survive the loss of a love" - it sounds cheesy, but a dear friend gave it to me years ago, and i've always found it helpful. the entire book is available online, but there's something lovely about the way it's printed.

http://www.petermcwilliams.org/mirrors/www.mcwilliams.com/books/books/sur/index11.htm

just be patient with yourself. a death can have incredibly profound impact on life in general, even when you think the grieving is over, and i find we're all impatient to get on with the healing....

i'm off to day two of a new job. talk about needing meds. this place is unbelievably intense, and i'm thanking my lucky stars that i didn't go off my zoloft a month ago!

I know the feeli

How about committing yourself to therapy instead of looking for a cure in a bottle? Your description of ADD was littered with references to problems from childhood that have not been worked through. How often do these problems come up on this blog? These unresolved issues will always be with you until you work through them. And no matter how astute or intelligent you may be, you can't do this on your own. A pill may make these issues go away for a while but with therapy, there is potential to overcome them for good. Consult your local psychologist rather than a psychiatrist.

Can't remember what I was writing there. Anyway, I think that drum set might help.

OK, to be serious for a second, I just read the TV-doctor's comment:

"These unresolved issues will always be with you until you work through them."

I don't know if you can ever 'resolve' such issues, just deal with them, work with them creatively, etc. Writing and talking about them (including on the blog), is, I think, part of the process of coming to terms with them. I'm sure shrinks and pills help somewhat, but I don't think such things necessarily get 'resolved' completely, nor should they necessarily.

a friend of mines son is on either adderall or ritalin for ADD and my friend started taking his meds because she self diagnosed herself with the disorder. she said she felt much better and was able to focus better and get stuff done so she went to a doc and got the meds for herself. she has been taking them for years and she swears she is better but i dont think she has been right since she started taking them. she always seems a little spacey and glazed over and i'm never sure she understands what people are saying to her. it seems as if when she is listening she is translating what people say so there is a time delay during the translation. (she was never like that before)

i believe the reason my pal thinks she has ADD is the result of her superior intelligence and her perception that she wasnt getting it done and living up to her own high expectations of herself. she also has four kids and a lazy shit for a husband so that added to her plate.

before you start taking anything make sure you go to a good doctor. try finding someone at a teaching hospital and not just someone who is happy to write a scrip for you. (i dont mean to sound like tom cruise here)

Not to minimize your plight, but the Rand-McNally incident isn't all that unusual. The summer we spent at Cabrillo, when I 11, I had nightmares about ghosts and tidal waves, and I was scared to look in mirrors, for fear of seeing ghosts. I kept it to myself, and just white knuckled it, and it seemed to go away when we left the beach.

Back then -- 1968? -- if I'd told Mom what I was going through she'd just say it was my imagination and that everything was going to be OK. Maybe if it happened now I'd have been put on a drug.

It seems like the zeitgeist dictates that everything be turned into a pathology, with a chemical cure. Not that I'm against anti-depressants and the like, but sometimes I think it's better to be parsimonious when describing mental phenomena as illness.

You could try going on Ritalin, or Adderal, but I'm not sure that it's the only solution, or the best one. Perhaps meditation or tai chi or yoga would help quiet your mind just as well. Not that I'm any shining example, but it is possible to learn mental discipline, and try and integrate the good parts of your ADD-ness into a more centered self.

Another thing to consider is that ADD is a two-sided thing. A lot of people who are described as ADD are capable of great sustained attention, but they have to put themselves out of reach of distractions. For example, write stuff long-hand in a room with no electronics, and only use the computer once you have something to work with.

As the only person commenting here who is a close genetic link and who has also been diagnosed with ADHD, I'll give you the rundown of my experiences with medication.

The two years I was taking Ritalin were the most productive years of my life and the healthiest. Because "work" and spending time with your friends are the two greatest things in battling depression, the fact that I was able to stay on top of everything meant I had the time to do battle.

I have my own ideas about ADHD which have nothing to do with anything I've been told, but it sounds like you are describing exactly my theory. People with ADHD have a tendency to "hyperfocus", and we can't choose what we're hyperfocused on. A lot of times, it's just bullshit. "Is my basement gonna flood", "Did I insult that waiter last week", "Are mom and dad gonna die", like you get an idea stuck in your craw and you can't get it out.

This hyperfocus means everything else is ancillary, important stuff and banal stuff is all lumped together because you can't stop thinking about that one other thing.

It was impossible for me to choose what to focus on, because I was chemically denied the practice time to find that discipline. And, for a series of reasons, I had a tendency to give up and deal with the consequences while you have managed to fight through it mostly.

The two years I spent on Rtalin gave me the chemical capacity to find discipine and with a doctor's help I learned a lot of skills that allow me to battle the disorder. I've not been on Ritalin for nine years, but I still hold on to the tricks I learned while on it.

Also, four cups of coffee a day.

Oh, and I had a shitload of people tell me I could beat this if I just worked harder, they told me I was lazy, they told me I was dumb, and they intimated that I was somehow cheating because I was drugged up. Which is a lot like telling a man who's starving to death that his need for protein is really just a mark of weakness.

Anyway, sorry this is so long, I figured if anyone had read this far, they might as well hear from someone diagnosed.

ditto the drum cure. works for me.

my little brother was diagnosed with adhd at a very young age. and it proved to me just how helpless the docs are as they try to diagnose all this shit. my bro's case was severe - his handwriting was completely illegible when he was off ritalin, but when he was on it, bingo, totally readable. and i know for an extremely bright person, not being able to focus or communicate well is incredibly frustrating, so it was like light bulbs going off.

but even those weren't a real fix, with all the side effects and switching from one drug to another, and as he got bigger it wasn't even clear it was still working. he dropped out of high school, was unable to get a basic job, etc., seeming like his basic ability to just *deal* was nowhere to be found - maybe from loss of confidence after the whole struggle, or maybe from the affliction itself.

as my bro got older, after years of this battle, including all the nasty side effects with trouble eating, the sleeplessness, etc., it was only later finally got off the adhd meds and switched to just some anxiety meds (because the adhd seemed to go hand in hand with the anxiety symptoms) he was WAAAAY better.

seems like there is just this huge spectrum of symptoms the docs seem to treat by throwing a handful of meds at you to see which stick, not even really knowing when to switch or adjust the level or even how to accurately make a diagnosis. just gives me the feeling it is all guesswork.

so at this point, i've come to a view where it's along the same lines as plastic surgery. i'm not against plastic surgery, particularly when you like, have no nose, just a gaping hole - ima say get under the knife asap.

but if it's really a case of being overweight, for example, ima say right off the bat you should get more excercise and stop eating crap. then if you've really done all that and still no results, then maybe it's time for a tummy tuck.

because you need to figure in the anesthesia and recovery time and you still might not be happy with the results, especially if you're really starting out with a fucked up idea of 'what is normal' or 'what is attractive' in the first place. i think you're gonna need to really be ready to deal with all that before you go slicing up your body.

Though my Doctor believes I have ADD and it certainly has created problems, I came to the conclusion that I simply wasn't bad enough for the medicine. Adderal was the only one that helped, but I sometimes had to alternate days against the recommended proceedure. If I continued a constant dose I would start to feel burnt out. I eventually decided that you should avoid the drugs if you can hold a satisfying job and have healthy relationships. I suppose I have ADD-Light.

Oh,... I love how ADD results in the huge amounts of clutter and unfinshed stuff that take over our lives and yet the way to overcome the effects of ADD is to make sure you have an UN-cluttered space to work and live. That cracks me up. Ian, we have but one hope and we both knew it in 1989. Generate enough cash to survive our flaws. We can't ask our wives and children to deal with our mess, so we simply have to surround ourselves with assistants that allow us to focus our talents and clean up the shit storm we leave in our wake.

Hey, been lurking for a while, enjoying the site.

I wish you luck with your search...from what you describe, I'd say think about the Depression angle a bit more, too... I know, stigma, stigma, but for some people, it's really a chemical imbalance that can be worked out with medication or maybe diet and exersize. It's a "medical condition" just like arthritis, etc... too many people hide from the word because it sounds scarey.

Drugs can be really helpful, especially in more serious episodes, but can have unpleasant side effects, etc etc...

I'd say look at your diet, seriously. I know, doesn't sound fun, but the fleeting pleasure of something tasty (sugar, etc) is small compared to how bad it can make you feel overall. I had so much more energy after cutting down on sugar (of all refined types AND evaporated cane juice... it's in SO many things!).

A good book I'd suggest is The Mood Cure (can't remember author) or ***definitely books by Dr. Daniel Amen (he actually deals with ADHD and depression).

Think about the whole picture... food is definitely a drug, too! Good luck!

O.K., I hate to be a BLOG HOG, but I have a question for Ian. How is it that we require a perfectly pressed high thread count Sea Island Cotton shirt, an assortment of luxury toiletries, and a snappy haircut, yet we feel perfectly comfortable with three year old tax returns and a stack of souring Starbucks cups scattered accross the floor of our cars? That has to be an ADD archetype.

Too much pie, son.

Ride your bike.

ian, i used to play basketball with you at carrboro elementary. i will always remember you screaming "child fucker" at yourself in frustration. anyway, i felt i had ADD from the time i was a teenager, but never went to see a doctor until i was 31. at that point, my inability to focus finally seemed to be taking over my life.

i've been on both ritalin and adderall and prefer the latter. i like the crack/cocaine analogy above -- adderall does seem a little less edgy. the drugs do help me focus and do allow me to get more stuff done, but they also make me a feel a little manic at times. i only take them when i feel i need it. all in all, a good balance for me. i recommend seeing a shrink if you want to try the medication.

Some doctor thoughts for your Ian.... First, see someone who can do some real psychological testing. Don't just go with someone who pulls out their Rx pad right away. The diagnosis, as everyone states, isn't clear yet and it could still be depression (amotivation, lack of focus and concentration, anxiety - all classic depression symptoms too) or OCD. Also, sometimes folks on SSRIs longterm get a bit burnt out on them. They actual deplete your body of dopamine while increasing the seratonin. This can lead to sluggishness etc. I know you've mentioned celexa before but that might be part of the problem.
If you do end up with a diagnosis of ADD (from a reputable psychologist who does testing) I would consider also the possiblities of nonstimulant drugs as treatment. Adderall and Ritalin as pure stimulants and they do help a lot of people but with real side effects. Wellbutrin (an antidepressant which effects dopamine) is used by many folks (off label) for ADD as well especially when the issues are more with focus than hyperactivity. It's also good for depression with amotivation and sluggishness. Strattera (a new drug for ADD) is also helpful and not a stimulant. Just some other ideas.
I'll also jump on the exercise, healthy diet, and getting outside bandwagon as well. Never a bad idea those! Good luck,
Neva

Neva, I've been worrying about that very thing - after almost four years, I'm wondering what the Celexa is doing for my energy level, but then again, it has ALWAYS been a problem.

I'm not the kind of person who goes for meds without constant human interaction and evaluation, and actually just made an appointment with an award-winning (thanks, Manhattan!) doctor who takes two weeks to find out if you really have ADD or if you just need to do more hangliding.

Salem - Tessa would ask the same thing. You and I have very similar issues, except - as everyone on here who has ever met you will attest - you have more energy than the core of the Sun.

blake - "child fucker"! At least, on my deathbed, I can say that I made a small, profane impression from my years on the court. You'll be thankful to hear that I have limited my game-time swearing to only about 200 of the nastiest ones.

I have a love-hate relationship with my Adderall. Three years ago, before I began taking it, I was earning D's and F's in school, I had a GPA of 1.8, once I began to take it, school was not hard for me anymore and I earned a GPA of 3.33. Before I began taking it, it wasn't that I was stupid or could not do the work, it was that I couldn't concentrate and actually sit down and do it. Then when I took it, I could sit down and do my work, I actually had the urge to do and I enjoyed it too. People were like "Wow! What happened to you? When do you start becoming so smart?"...These things were great to hear and boosted my self-esteem, but then I thought, I'm only getting this compliments because I am taking a drug.
When I first started taking it, the only thing I noticed about myself when I was on it was that I could concentrate. I've been taking it for three years now and I've noticed more and more effects. I still do not get hungry. For some people, this side-effect wears off and they get hungry again when they are on it, but I still am not. When I see food, it just makes me feel sick, especially if I try and eat something, I just feel like I'm going to throw it up.
When I am on it, I have no personality. I'm usually this out-going, funny girl, but on it, I just sit there. My mind is blank, and I have nothing to say. When someone says something funny, I can't even laugh, I don't know why, I wish I could, I just give a little smile. The side-effect that pisses me off the most is that I am especially irritable and short-tempered. When in class, if someone is clicking their pen, tapping their foot, etc. I just cannot stand it, I think they are doing to piss me off, when in fact, they are just doing it because they are bored or something, not to piss me off. But if someone continues doing it, I will just snap and ask them in a bitchy manner to stop, but when I'm off of it, I hardly notice those things or can just block it out. When people are clicking their pens, etc. people sometimes see that I am getting mad, and think it's funny to piss me off (which can be funny, but NOT when I am on adderall) because I'm usually a humorous person, but they will continue doing it, and i get more and more mad, one time I started to cry. I cannot even do my homework at home because of my mom banging pots, etc. when she is making dinner. I know she is not doing it on purpous but I am not getting annoyed on purpose either, I wish i didnt. I also become very emotional too, I will cry over the littlest things for no reason.
Time also goes very fast for me when I am on it. I will start my homework at 4 or so, and before I know it, it's 8 already and I'm only working on my second assignment. Maybe it's b/c I put so much work into each assignment, but I too will find myself going to sleep very late. I often contemplate staying up the whole night because if i go to bed too late, it is very hard for me to wake up.
I enjoy Adderall because it allows me to concentrate, but I hate that I have to take it. My mind is so fixated on it that I can barely do my homework off of it. I have a mind-set that I can only do my homework if I take it. I just don't feel right if I do my homework off of it. But I wish I could.
I cannot take Adderall my whole life, I plan to gradually work my way off of it. I want to be able to do my work off of it.

I'm no doctor either, but what you describing sounds EXACTLY like my friend Doug, who was diagnosed with OCD coupled with depression several years back. From the time he was a kid, he was obsessed with the Billboard Charts. He would copy them out, and make lists (and lists and lists) of songs by genre and theme, date, place on the charts, etc. He is a walking database of music, and you just have to name a song and he can reel off a list of data about it; when it entered the charts and left, how high it got, etc. He had similar obsessions with TV and movies. It may sound cool until you start finding reams of paper all over the house with lists on them and realize it's a real problem.

Eventually he hit a personal romantic crisis that combined with his depression to send him on a major downward spiral and he couldn't even get out of bed to go to work. He's seeing a therapist and is now medicated and functioning, thank god.