2/2/06
I don't keep a diary anymore, I keep this blog, so it will subject you to many intimate details that may seem uninteresting, or worse, like luxury problems that many starving Africans would kill to have. But I feel like I may have conquered a huge personal problem over the last year, and I feel sanguine enough to write about it here.
Put shortly, I had a fear of flying that was verging on a full-scale pathology. I hated planes so much that I couldn't stand watching scenes on television that were taking place on a plane. This didn't stop me from flying, mind you: though I did manage to do a shitload of driving over the years (as readers here might attest), when push came to shove, I always gritted my teeth and bore it like a man. Well, a man on Xanax who cringed white-knuckled at each spot of turbulence, but a man nonetheless.
I flew without too many issues from birth until college - I recall being a little freaked out at times, but well within reason. Then, sometime in the '90s, I had about ten very turbulent flights in a row, and it pushed the cheese off my cracker. I began all kinds of rituals, magical thinking, anything to get me through.
September 11 only crystallized what had already begun. I believed the airline companies really didn't care about our safety and were willing to sacrifice a few planes every once in a while to cut back on costs. I felt that airport security was a fucking joke, and morons like that "shoebomber" guy actually scared me.
But in the last year or two, I knew airline travel was going to be a reality for me if I wanted to work in television and movies - you simply can't drive from coast to coast all the time (even though I certainly tried). When Lucy came along, I knew it was time to fucking grow up, stop being scared of the monsters in the closet and turn off the night light and get some actual grown-up sleep.
So here's what I did. First off, you can't discount the Celexa. Having Celexa in my life robbed my brain of the ability to obsess about an upcoming flight a month ahead of time. Celexa says "oh for chrissake think of something else" and within a few seconds I'd be thinking about titties.
Step two: Direct flights, no transfers. Get it over with. If it costs more money, then pay for it. Obviously if you live in Iowa City like my brother Kent, this isn't an option, but where we live, there's always something going straight where you need it. Or get as close as you can and then drive. Whatever - even seasoned pros don't need to be on two different planes in one day.
Next step: I get a window seat, and after I look at all the cool stuff as we take off, I CLOSE THE WINDOW for the rest of the whole flight. Doing this allowed me to visualize flying as just a ride in a cabin, not a Ride In A Cabin 31,000 Feet Over the Earth. When they say "don't look down," they are on to something. Now, when I think of flying, I only think of being in one place, and then being in another. As if it were a tunnel, not a suspension.
Then: Half (or whole, depending on length) of the ol' standby Xanax, perhaps taken with a bit of bourbon and ginger. Not for anxiety anymore, but just for sleep. Because the truth about flying is this... it's completely fucking boring and uncomfortable. If you can sleep through even 65% of it, you're golden. The rest can be assuaged with a video iPod if you want some foolproof distraction.
I've been using this technique for a year now, and having just taken four long-ish flights in a row, I can feel my fear of flying seeping out the back of my tailbone. Quite frankly, I just don't give a shit anymore. And this stuff used to take over weeks of my life with anxiety. The entire country, indeed the world, has now opened up and it's SO REFRESHING.
I still love a long road trip, don't get me wrong. Like Salem and I always say, we'll drive 20 hours for 5 hours of fun. And after I write this blog, I'm flying to RDU for the Dook game on Tuesday, and it could be a rattler, but the fact that I DON'T CARE means I'm doing OK. In fact, during this last trip, I actually looked forward to some turbulence just to push myself. I'll keep pushing myself as long as it takes.
There have been many times I've been self-loathing in here, truly full of disgust at my own being. And god knows I get every communicable disease there is. But with getting diseases, I am also a self-healer. Give me anything and it will make me miserable, but I will goddamn conquer it. Like the man said in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, "I got better."
Every year, in order to retard my inexorable march towards 40 years old, I learn an entirely new skill. The last few years it has been skiing, desktop publishing, golf... and drums will be next year. But this year, I am teaching myself how to fly.
Posted by Ian Williams at February 2, 2006 11:44 PMThree Cheers to PROGRESS, One flight at a time!
Hip Hip Hooray!
Aloha to you all~
Lisa in Maui
That's awesome, Ian. I am in the middle of trying to beat some fears into submission, myself. It's good to hear about your progress. Next time you have to fly, see if you can find Delta Song airlines. I kept myself so damn distracted on that flight with the trivia game and mummy monster. You can play games against your fellow passengers, or just yourself and the time totally flies. Plus, TV and several movies on your own private screen ....and mp3s. It's pretty cool. The food is good too....
Timely.
Way to go. Maybe by 2010 you'll overcome your fear of one-piece tennis rackets.
Why are airline seats so uncomfortable? There really is no reason for it.
Excellent coping strategy Ian. It's too bad it takes a large portion of one's lifetime to figure things such as this out. If i was only 20 again...... k
Kmeelyon, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but last October, Song was folded back into Delta proper. However: Delta plans to incorporate many of Song's features, including "leather seats, 24 channels of live television, 10 on-demand video channels, video games and a digital-music library" (from CNN.com).
My brother is a commercial pilot, which assuages many of my fears of flying. I think about how smart he is and how devoted he is to doing a good job, and how he's one of two or three such pilots in the cockpit, and this reassures me. Also, he's explained turbulence to me as the airplane moving through air that's also moving. When you cross from one air current to another, it can cause a bump, depending on the type of air current you're flying in. Generally speaking, turbulence is a normal and expected aspect of flying, though pilots and ground control will try to avoid it, for all kinds of good reasons but most of all because unrestrained people can incur injury by getting knocked around the cabin.
All of which to say (in a roundabout way), kudos to you, Ian, for overcoming your fears of flying. Now, do you have any tips for those of us whose irrational fears center around driving, esp. in heavy NYC traffic?
My wife has an irrational fear of flying, so last time we had to get on a plane, while we were still on the runway, I loudly mused:
"Here it is the 21st century and we still have these lap belts - no shoulder strap like in a car, clearly they aren't here for safety, but I think I know the reason they have them at all:
It makes it easier for the Medical Examiner to identify us by matching our dental records to our seats. It just saves time for them"I got a good number of glares and was quite pleased with myself. Sorry for being one of those people.
Ian, I have had panic disorder for about 30 years, which has led to several longstanding phobias, of which flying is probably the worst.
Xanax and a nip (by which I mean one of those little bottles) of brandy or vodka have helped me endure flights in the past. And my SSRI (Lexapro) has made me less panicky and helped me to be braver, which means I'm finally driving on highways again. I'm not the fastest driver out there and I tend to hug the right lane and avoid high bridges, but still, I'm doin' it and not feeling so trapped. ::hums "Rocky" theme song::
So: Good for you, confronting your demons. Therapy + good meds + perseverance = hope.
P.S. A former shrink of mine, counseling me in advance of my first overseas flight (8 hours long), explained to me that the airliner would not be riding on *nothing* but rather on a CUSHION of air that keeps it aloft. (never mind arguments about engines stalling out! LOL) I used that image -- of the airplane being on a big pillowy cushion across the Atlantic -- to calm myself, and it really did help. Although I never, ever looked down!
Also, he told me that the wide-body jets were like big living rooms or theaters. I got a seat in an *inside* row and psyched myself into the movie-theater imagery. So: riding on a cushion, sitting in a movie theater... it's amazing how we can persuade our freaky brains that such fantasies are almost real. :-)
Last: Crossword puzzles are *way* better than simply reading for distraction. They're active, not passive, and totally engage your restless mind. IMHO, YMMV, etc.
ian -- the last line of this piece is amazing and perfectly exemplifies why i read your blog every day. good luck on your flight down here and "good luck" on tuesday.
yo - we've got a good crowd meeting at squid's pregame for several dozen on the half shell and a few pops. might even order up some of those hushpuppies with the hot fudge sauce "fer dippin'".
heels looked good last night and dook had better bring their a game before coach smeggy's back starts hurting again.
does noel go hard to the hoop or does noel go hard to the hoop?
it's amazing that you completely described my condition to a tee. I was on a national tour a few years ago and at one point we were flying once a week for 13 weeks in a row. Amazingly, there was one flight I missed (because I was in NY getting a prescription for Xanax, the wonder-pill), and that was the one flight on the tour when there was an in-flight mechanical failure that caused the plane to do a drastic and terrifying emergency descent and landing...and I think had I been on that flight I would have NEVER gotten on a plane again.
Anyway, I had gotten to the point where I was beside myself with anxiety, obsessing for weeks about upcoming flights, paying too much attention to plane crashes in the news (the media loves airline disaster), and was just plain useless on travel days what with a Xanax and two cocktails per flight (depending on the length). I decided at one point that enough was enough. I bought a few books on the fear of flying and all they really did was make it worse. It's as if by delving into the problem I only made it worse. And this was all before September 11. The tour closed in May of 2000 and on my flight home I upgraded myself to first class and had no issues on the plane whatsoever. So maybe part of my problem was fear of coach?? Anyway, I didn't fly again until April of 2002 and I was suddenly fine. Well, almost fine...there are still some moments of extreme turbulence when I get a little sweaty, but for the most part, I somehow made the decision that this was something I have to do. So I grew up a little and faced the thing and it's a whole lot easier now. In fact, it's sort of a relief that you also describe the worst thing about flying for me now: the boredom. I can only watch 2 episodes of "Commander In Chief" or "Lost" before my ipod's batteries are exhausted.
I support your courage and your ambition to learn to fly this year. It ain't such a bad thing after all. I think it's about us control freaks learning to yield to the pilot, 'cause lord knows, there was a time when I thought that if I knew how to fly a plane, I'd have been in that cockpit trying to guide my flight personally.
And is it safe to assume that your lovely wife is the one entertaining your adorable (and active) daughter for the 65% of the time in the plane you are sleeping...oh, and I guess the additional 35% of the time you are watching something on your ipod?
Good for you for overcoming the fear. The next step is to actually be awake during the flight so that you can help chase the baby up and down the aisle!
Okay. Done busting your balls. Perhaps it's just because I have just returned from a trip with an 11 month old who refused to sleep the entire time...but proceeded to pass out only 5 minutes after getting in the taxi.
why not hit the Clemson game tomorrow?
oh i think the coast-to-coast flights are a drag, but the fear factor comes in for me on small puddle jumpers. i used to have to take those periodically to get to vancouver island and it felt like trying to fly in an old vw bug with no muffler.
i could fly just about anywhere, no problem, if i'm in virgin upper class or BA first class - i used to have to fly all the way to the middle east from sfo and it was practically like a day in the spa. it makes other flying feel like you're in some dusty crowded bus in south america with the live chickens and shit.
Flying used to never both me until the mid 90s as well. We were flying from LGA to RDU and had to make an emergency landing in DC/Nat'l. After 3 attempts at landing, the captain said we may have to go land in Philly. Dude, land the plane already, something is wrong with it. We end up landing at Dulles, and they wanted us to stay on the plane while they checked it, then fly us 15 miles to Nat'l for connections. Negative. We, and many others, got off, took a cab to Nat'l, and then I didn't want to get back on a plane so we caught the metro to Union Station for a train to Raleigh. Trains planes and automobiles. Later that year, a plane crashed in Charlotte with 4 people from my 'hood on it, and I swore off flying for good. Funny how a planned honeymoon to Italy 4 years later will make you change your mind, but I was heavily medicated (though what genius schedules Titanic as one of the inflight movies on our return trip?).
Soon after, I had to regularly fly my company's 8 seater prop plane. Given your fear is newly conquered, I highly recommend staying away from the little minivans with wings.
What is weird is I'm a much better flyer now that our son flies with us. We've been on 8 trips with him where we've flown, and he's only 2. Maybe I'm dealing with him and am too busy to freak out. Personally, I no longer have a calming cocktail or two before we take off because I need to focus on the kid since my husband immediately nods off and sleeps the whole way.
Nicola - you're absolutely right, my little coping mechanisms definitely puts the onus on Tessa to deal with Lucy during the flight. I do a little bit, but she does the lion's share. Fortunately, the Lucybug is a professional traveler and is super easy on the plane, sleeps 50% of the time, plays with the seat belt and toys for 40% of the time, and flirts with the other passengers while sticking her finger up Tessa's nose 10% of the time.
Joe, Andy - I would love to come to the Clemson game! I'll be watching via ESPN Full Court in Venice. Craighill, Squid's sounds good, though I'll be staying at the Carolina Inn.
Scotty actually speaks the most truth. I made a solemn promise in front of Sean, Block and Scotty never to get upset while playing golf or tennis again, and I've held to that for a year. But my behavior in hoops is bullshit. That will be my last frontier for positive change, perhaps.
Thank you for this...I too have developed a fear of flying in the past few years. Last year I thought my heart would stop as we flew from Denver to Steamboat Springs with our 3 kids. The flight was VERY bumpy, and my 5 year old was really scared, and so was I. I kept thinking that my kids had not really lived and I wanted them to be able to grow up! Next time we may have to rent a car in Denver and drive to the mountains.
Next month I am flying to Chicago with a girlfriend for a Moms weekend away. I've never left my 19 month old. Now I keep worrying that if I die, he won't remember me! Maybe I need some Celexa...
Just read Emma's post from Jan. 30 at:
http://emalice.livejournal.com/
- good writing, and I feel the same!
Wow. That is such a coincidence. I have never taken Celexa and yet, no matter what I'm thinking about, in a few seconds I'm thinking about boobies too!