February 21, 2006
do they go FLIP FLOP
2/21/06
Greetings from Santa Rosa, NM. As Homer Simpson said, "hey, there's a NEW Mexico!"
First off, a shameful pox on those who did not believe the ducks would be walking to breakfast in the Little Rock morn. As I checked out, they had retired to the wading pool, happy as... well, ducks in water, I suppose.
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I know how much everyone clamors for my unusually ironic brand of photojournalism as I traverse this fine country looking for ways to belittle my fellow Americans, but this little piece of tautological signage on a gas pump in Oklahoma always sends my grammar-fiend mother into paroxysms of misery:
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Later in the night, I stopped for gas in rural panhandle Texas, where the local teens had descended in order to get their cases of Bud Light before the clock struck midnight. The cashier was not pleased, and when I got to the front of the line, I saw the rock upon which her indignation rested. Next to my deeply faggy Evian ("Does this answer your question?" from the movie "Heathers") you will see a giant Holy Bible with relevant pages marked for impulse inspiration:
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One thing about driving to LA - while my wife and daughter fly - is that the car becomes the repository for all the shit they didn't want to carry with them. This time I've got a massively heavy office chair, bags of shoes... and the Baby Einstein Discover and Play™ Activity Center in the back seat:
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This Activity Center says "dog" or "gato" or "cow" and then moos or barks, followed (no lie) by an excerpt from Mendelssohn's Italian Symphony. Then Beethoven's Fifth. Then "Old McDonald." And this happens every time I go over a bump, hit a pothole, or take a swift turn off the freeway.
When it is silent, there is also a Fisher-Price bunny rabbit that Chip got Lucy, with about fifteen songs that get sung every time the car jiggles. One in particular:
Do your ears swing low
Do they tumble TO and FRO?
Can you tie them in a knot?
Can you tie them in a bow?
...I've heard it so many times that even I have run out of stunningly pornographic alternative lyrics, and that's saying something. If it has been silent a while, a computer chip kicks in, and the doll screams "HUG ME!" from underneath my golf balls. My relationship to the Baby Einstein and the Fisher-Price rabbit has become a little like Tom Hanks and the volleyball in "Cast Away."
I'm beginning to talk back. I'm beginning to tell them things. Secrets.
i need to get off the road
Good morning. How are you today? Me? Fine, thanks. Have a lovely day.
This may be a western north carolina colloquialism, but I believe the correct lyric is 'wobble to and fro', do your ears 'wobble to and fro'?
As for entertaining mommy and me songs, I'll have to get a demo/MP3 out there of my own favorite original, "Breast Feeding Mama"; it latches right on and sucks you right in.
Godspeed. Find a TV at 9 pm EST. Rah, rah, carolina, 'lina, go to hell STate.
Don't hurt the bunny rabbit. I'm glad it has provided entertainment for generations of the W-B family.
Look at all those cigarettes! That woman's clearly geared for the End Times.
Uh, you do know about the "off" switches on these things, right?
I'm just sayin'.
Ya gotta pull the batteries out of those things.
oooh, that song makes me think of when juliette lewis sang the adult version to brad pitt in that creepy movie. ewwwwww!
lfmd, i'm glad you're feeling better today!
There's a novel in that.
(See, I'm desperate for more of your writing. No pressure, now.)
Oh, by the way, Ian, isn't that you on the cover of NEW YORK Magazine this week?!?!?
I'll be driving from NYC to Jupiter, FL to start work on a show down there (great place to be for 5 weeks this time of year) and I'm wondering what to take with which to fill my driving time. I feel as though I should invest in a Baby Einstein Activity Center just to stay challenged and alert.
I guess the closest my car trips come to yours is that I have two labrador retrievers, and occasionally a couple of their stuffed toys will get left behind in the car, and when I've packed my Hyundai to the gills with crap that could rival the Clampetts' car anyday, there will often call out from the floorboards a soft yet noticeable electronic "meowwwwwww, meowwwwwww" from the little chewed-up stuffed kitten or, as it was on a trip to Canada late at night, the sudden mechanical crow of the stuffed rooster which screeched out after hitting a bump on a quiet dark stretch of back-woods Ontario road and startled me to the point of actually swerving the car, thinking the sound was a quickly deflating tire.
CL -- what? Huh? Where? Is Ian on the cover? Where can I find it?
CL - I just googled it. You had me going there for a minute.
It could be him.
That guy has better skin. But I must say "growing organic tomatoes upstate" did change my life, although it was the pumpkins that really sealed the deal.
Does the rabbit also count to ten to the tune of "La Cucaracha" and say "I Love You" in a vaguely disturbing way? If so, we have the same toy, only it's a puppy.
And my mother, who has Alzheimer's, likes to either repeat everything it says, respond as if it was talking to her, or marvel at what a good ventriloquist little Two-Foot is at her age. Count your blessings that you just have the rabbit to deal with during your road trips.
I'm sitting in Marco's, a lovely West Hollywood coffee shop with decent java and, most importantly, FREE WIRELESS, and I just got a lot of strange looks following my fit of laughter imagining the stuffed rabbit yelling "hug me!" from beneath your belongings. Sounds like the makings of a Stephen King novel to me...
Thanks for that.
bet she puts her saturday night special in the carved out pages of the good book, big momma wouldn't hesitate to give you a quail hunting accident if you even coughed in her general direction
laurie from manly dorm (is that a UNC dorm? I'll assume it is...),
am sorry you've been feeling unbalanced and glad you're feeling somewhat better. if I may, here's a link to some music you may like:
www.myspace.com/hayleytaylor
it's not a plug b/c I neither know nor am in any way affiliated with this person save the BIG music crush I have on her. the music is very good, which is saying something since it's not normally my style (more my style: www.myspace.com/pigeonjohn), plus it's also workplace appropriate in a vaguely aimee mann meets laura nyro kind of way. hope you enjoy and continue to feel better.
I laughed out loud when I read this post.
CP -- aren't you adorable! Thanks so much for thinking of me. Yes, I am from the Formerly All-Womens' Dorm with the unfortunate name of Manly, at UNC. Proud resident from 1986 - 1987.
I will check out the music tonight. . . it sounds perfect! I can count off my med-free days while listening to the tunes you recommended. I just might make it, sanity intact!
Thanks again, CP. Ian -- I love your little community!
cand how about the kids toys with dying batteries? we had one rolling around in the car constantly whining and took the car in to be fixed because we thought it was the engine. as if trips to the mechanic aren't humiliating enough anyway.
cullen, you'll have to share that mp3 with the group. if you want actual mom rock and mom parody i highly recommend this cd: www.mom-aid.com - please buy them for yourself and everyone you know and fund my kids' college education.
laurie,
of course. and thanks for that little bit of tar heel history.
also, as long as you're surfing myspace music...
www.myspace.com/arcticmonkeys
apparently all the kids are listening to these guys. I'm sort of on the fence but they do sing with these amazing yorkshire (full monty) accents.
P