3/8/06
The worst fucking song in the history of pop music is "My Humps" by The Black-Eyed Peas. This may come as no surprise to many of you, as it has been well-documented by other sources, but I am not given to superlatives without a good deal of research, and after letting this song dwindle in my head since last fall, I'm just going to come right out and say it: it's the worst, period. Nothing comes close.
When you're dealing with pop music (and love it like I do) you have to be careful with your love and hate. One thing that always pissed me off about the rock intelligentsia of the early '90s was the casual beatification of musicians whom I thought were okay at best (J Mascis, Pavement, etc). Conversely, you have to avoid the screeching harlots of any given road trip who are quick to dismiss every song as "the worst ever."
I have to remain sanguine about these things, so when I first heard "My Humps" in October 2005 (and subsequently had a figurative brain hemorrhage), I had to relax, count to ten, put down the fork I was about to lodge into my neck, and take the afternoon off.
In a quieter moment, I resolved to revisit the song (or "song," as the case may be) at some point further on, when the horrors of my first impression could be more easily assimilated. To my disgust, the 30th hearing of "My Humps" is more terrifying than the first, and so it is now I've come to the conclusion that it is the worst fucking song in pop history.
Why do I get to say? Thirty or so years of listening to every song from 1955 (decades before I was born) to now, along with an autistic savant recall of the Billboard Top 40 from 1978 to 1993, along with 25 years of violin and piano, majoring in music - well, these things ought to put me in contention. But I've also written about music since those days in the DTH when we were the first to make our Top 10 Worst Lists and even started a Misheard Song Lyric contest a decade before it became a phenomenon. I obsess.
But enough about my credentials. The song speaks for itself. The backing "instrumental" consists of the thinnest, reediest, crappiest synth line this side of porn. In fact, most porn films try harder. Fergie's delivery of her "lines" is so sing-songy chowderheaded that you think she might be trying to teach lemurs to speak. It's just SO, SO AWFUL.
And the "lyrics"? The idea is simple enough: Fergie's woman-parts are so appealing that it inspires would-be suitors to buy her name-brand items of clothing and jewelry. Which would be funny, if the "rap" weren't so tired, cliché, and about as cynical as product placement in movies: Dolce & Gabbana, Donna Karan and even Seven Jeans are mentioned.
She rhymes "nicely" with "iceies." She rhymes "sexy" with "sex me."
Suppose we look at female sexuality as a list, from top to bottom. At the top is the poetic ideal of romance, at the bottom is the basest, lowest thoughts possible. It would look something like this:
Beauty
Truth
Intelligence
Independence
Mystery
Knowing
Come-Hither
Pheromones
Sweat
Smell
Breasts
Ass
Tits
Cunt
My Humps
My Lovely Lady Lumps
Indeed, the Black-Eyed Peas have debased the mystery of woman into not just tits, not just ass, but the brutal sum-up of human bulbs of flesh meant to invoke the spending of money.
It would be funny, but I don't think they think they're being funny. Yes, "you're meant to dance to it, not think about it," yes yes yes, you blithering anti-intellectual, I get it. But there's nothing in this song, nor the BEP's oeuvre that would suggest they have any sense of humor.
Here's what I think. I think they got together and decided to cobble a song with the worst beat, the worst music, and the worst lyrics they could muster. Using Fergie's made-for-the-sexual-apocalypse body, they released this fucking song with a scowl, then laughed all the way to the bank. The Black-Eyed Peas are shoving three fingers up your ass and then demanding you pay them for it.
Apparently there's a video, but if you need a video for a song to make sense, I'm with Lewis Black: you should fucking kill yourself.
"My Humps." A cultural moment has happened. Forget about your MacArthur Parks, your Blame It On the Rains, your Electric Avenues. The gaping maw has opened up and shown us its bottom.
I loathe the Black Eyed Peas. I've hated every song they've released, but I especially hate "My Humps". And I'll admit, I do have a tendency to claim that things are the "worst" when they really aren't, but I swear to god, this is the absolute WORST song I've ever heard in my life.
Two girls I work with have it set as their ring tone. I fear I may be forced to kill them soon.
I have not yet heard that song (I don't think) but I might have to track it down given your intensity. Jesus, that sounds like one bad song. I hear you on Pavement. There were always 3-4 songs on each album that were pretty good and the rest of it, I thought, sucked. But I did not dare raise a word of dissent about "Slanted and Enchanted" lest I be read the riot act by the Kool-Kid Indie Rock Corp. However, those are fighting words about Mascis. Incredible guitar player, interesting song writing, and a voice like Neil Young's cool nephew. Dinosaur Jr.'s "Where You Been" is an All Time Top Ten Stranded on a Desert Island album for me. Mascis live is other-worldly.
Those are the worst goddamned lyrics I have ever read. And possibly the worst bit of pop culture ever.
And I say that having watched some of the Star Wars Holiday Special (but not the whole thing, that would have killed me). It's terrible. But "My Humps" is worse.
Wow. That salmon mousse made you really cranky!
Oh my god, this is so true...the first time I ever heard that song, I said to my husband "Is she seriously talking about her LUMPS? What the crap?"
Coincidentally, or maybe not, I just heard that fucking song THIS morning. After I mopped up the blood that ran out of my ears, I wondered if I was just being an old fogey in thinking that it was just horrible. Thank you for the reassurance.
"The Black-Eyed Peas are shoving three fingers up your ass and then demanding you pay them for it." -- LOL! Brilliant, Ian. Why aren't you reviewing pop and rock for Esquire or some other magazine? People would pay to read that stuff. Yes, I'm serious.
On top of the personal cringe I have at this song I also hate that my 5 year old daughter may hear this. I try to prevent that from happening but she loves to turn the radio station to "grown up music". At the risk of sounding too much like Tipper Gore, this is just terrible stuff for both kids and adults alike.
It is a terrible song, But the BEP song "Where is the Love" is not terrible. Good message to it and all of that. Here is the thing about "My Humps". I hate it as much as you all do, but I still find myself singing it to myslef ALL GODDAMN DAY!!!
I'm torn on this entry, Ian. The premise got me going right off, because I absolutely agree that the "song" is enough to melt your brain. It's anti-musical, AND the worst kind of sexist. Awesome! But then I followed your link to your Worst 20 Songs list, and I love half the songs there. Sure, I probably love a few of them ironically. But how can such a list contain neither "2525" nor "Yummy Yummy Yummy"? Seriously. I would venture to say that such omissions are inexcusable.
But then, perhaps that just lends weight to the fact the we both agree that "My Humps" is without doubt the worst song ever.
And I HAVE watched the entire Star Wars Holiday Special ... on at least 4 different occasions. That which does not kill me only makes me drink more.
"I love half the songs there"
Ok, maybe not half of them. Several?
I know Michael Stipe famously told a Carolina concert crowd that he hated SUPERMAN and I know that's one of the only songs they didn't write. But I always liked it--especially more than Shiny Happy People.
Similarly, I always liked the Bonnie Tyler song. Is that a remake, by any chance? I ask because I recently saw the movie, A SMALL CIRCLE OF FRIENDS (1980) and that same song, albeit instrumental, is in that movie (which predates "Total Eclipse" by 3 years).
I also like the Air Supply song. How can you not like the Hannibal Lecter mask from the Quiet Riot video for "Cum On Feel The Noise?"
Electric Avenue is a classic. If you like Safety Dance, Come On Eileen and Our House, you've gotta love Eddy Grant's song.
Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go and the Black Eyed Peas song, MY HUMPS, should both be banned from the planet.
My favorite BEP song is one called, "The Boogie That Be". I don't know that there is any deeper meaning to the lyrics, but the song was used at the end of an episode of HBO's hit show, "Entourage" in 2004 and I've loved it ever since then.
My wish in life is that some video editor NEVER edits a highlight reel of Carolina basketball with WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU GO-GO, as my brain might explode.
I am going to rock down to Electric Avenue, and then we'll take it higher! That's what I think of your taste, Ian. 'Nuf said.
If y'all want the perfect antidote for "My Humps", follow this link
http://chaircrusher.livejournal.com/215836.html
Or if you just want to listen:
http://cornwarning.com/xfer/03_-_the_incredible_hump_-_the_incredible_hump-fsp.mp3
Oh, and Black Eyed Peas were really good, right up until Fergie joined the band. Her joining seems like a pure major-label artifice. "YOU NEED A CHICK WITH A BODACIOUS RACK OUT FRONT BOYS. GET THAT AND I'LL MAKE YOU POP STARS."
Have to say that there are few bars in Asheville where you could hear 'My Humps', at least the ones I frequent. I had business in Raleigh a few weeks ago and had to get out to watch the last State - UNC game, so I ended up in a college bar. This song immediately got my attention for all of the reasons you've mentioned. What also got my attention is that the two female engineering students nearby absolutely went batshit with pleasure upon hearing it. The gentlemen around them had to display some enthusiasm to participate and it led to a minor celebration by the end. I had some thoughts about the death of feminism, society, etc., but realized, it's probably generational... they got equally excited about, no shit, "Wake me up before you go - go" which played in the same set. Very disturbing, but I tried not to take it personally.
(OK, I take this post back, I agree with you 100% Ian)
I am with GFWD. I think the first concert I went to was Air Supply--at Busch Gardens (The Old Country) no less. Not that I am proud of that.
And GFWD, I seem to remember that one evening when I was on my way to my middle-of-the-night-no-one-listening WXYC shift, you asked for the B-52s. I think it was Love Shack? I couldn't wait to play it.
GFWD, let me know if you run into Mia Hamm at any Carolina function in town. I pulled into our Smryna Publix yesterday and could almost swear I saw her getting into a black Mercedes SUV with Cobb plates adjacent to my car. If my kid wasn't still getting out of his carseat, I would have bolted over the 6 feet to check it out. Not sure why she would be living here, but Don said her husband played at GaTech, so you never know. It must be a happenin' Publix, as last July 4th weekend Don was in there one night (wearing his Dougherty's Disciples t-shirt) and he runs into...Matt D!
Oh, and I think Don't Phunk with My Heart is much worse!
I have the BEP's Let's Get it Started on my mp3 player and it really is a good running song, but I don't know what the crap is that they call "bonus material" at the end of the song. I always skip that. I haven't listened to My Humps. I guess if I have heard it, I changed the station.
Greg, I have to respectfully disagree with you equating Electric Avenue with Come On Eileen, Our House and the Safety Dance. No comparison at all.
Best blog ever. Holy christ, I snorted my burrito I was laughing so hard.
"Electric Avenue" definitely has second worst place, though.
Thank god.
I hate the Black Eyed Peas. And I'd like to have someone please explain to me the Outkast song that sounds like he's saying "roses really smell like poo-poo-oo" - is that what he's saying or is that a misheard lyric?
please help.
Katie, that's exactly what he's saying! Love that song (Roses). You should google for the entire lyrics, so bad its hilarious!
don't fuck with milli vanilli
Never heard the song. I've heard many folks talk about how awful it is, I've seen photos of Fergie, so I sort of know who she is. But I haven't heard the song.
I feel safer in my cave.
i have fond memories of many songs on your "worst" list.. but it's ok because i'm from green bay. and my mom's favorite song is "my humps." he he. i am not a fan of the song, but that album (give or take) is great to run to...
Maybe every generation needs a booty song.
Perhaps the decline of man can be traced by following the steady slide from "The Hokey Pokey Song" ("You put your backside in") through "Fat Bottomed Girls" ("Get on your bikes and ride!") down to "Baby's Got Back" ("LA face with the Oakland Booty") and finally "My Humps."
I shudder at the thought the spiral could possibly spin any lower.
Furious, do you originally hail from Newport News? If so, then I do know you and the request I actually made was likely FOLLOW YOUR BLISS, the #10 instrumental on the same B-52's album.
ok, all my olden dazed friends up in here should probably realize that 'my humps' is popular with junior high kids. when is the last time you related to a song popular with junior high kids? i'm not saying it's a great song, i'm just saying... it's one thing to dis a song NOW but i have to wonder how many people dissing 'domo arigato mista roboto' right now in their 30's or 40's would actually have been found doing the robot at their school dance back when that song was actually out. and how many people would have been found doing some kind of bizarre white kid pogo hop to 'come on eileen' back in the day. gotta put this in perspective here.
i think one mitigating factor on some of these songs too is camp value. i think if a song sucks but has great camp value then it doesn't have to go on the worst list. therefore 'rock me amadeus' would actually pass by my standard. but 'built this city on rock and roll' has absolutely zero camp value and should burn in a fiery hell.
also as a funk oriented bass player i would also agree on applying favoritism to songs with stupid lyrics that are funky enough to be danceable (by my own self). so my verdict on 'my humps' is still thumbs down because i'm not really capable of getting my krump on like the middle schoolers, but i can actually hang with about half a song's worth of 'electric avenue' before i leave the dancefloor in search of a beverage.
my current pick for worst song: mega-cheesy dance remake of "heaven" playing on our local dance station every 3.5 minutes.
"I think the first concert I went to was Air Supply--at Busch Gardens (The Old Country) no less. Not that I am proud of that."
The first concert I went to was Air Supply at the Paramount in Seattle! And the second was Cliff Richard! I am a dork.
Who is saying that "Come on Eileen" (one of the greatest pop hooks ever") and "Our House" belong on any worst songs list? I can't live in the same universe with people who think that way.
Litlnemo,
I said that they should NOT be on a list and neither should Electric Avenue.
Poor, poor Eddie Grant. You just couldn't let Electric Avenue off the hook. After 18 years, I still remember the firestorm of DTH Eddie Grant defenders after your article.
Ian-
Nice one. I did a post on "My Humps" as well sometime last year but I couldn't find it yet I agree that it is the nadir of Pop Music today. Three more 'nails on a chalkboard" songs:
"Somebody's Watching Me" - Rockwell
"Sometimes When We Touch" - Dan Hill
"Total Eclipse of the Heart" - Bonnie Tyler
GFWD,
Ah, OK, I see I misread it. Someone take away my internet posting license, please.
well i think that song is the bomb so it dont matter what other people say about it.Even my old lady like it so why wouldnt i she gotts a real nice hump in her trunk.
Yo, Ian, I know this is a few days late, but a propos of your My Humps post, I thought you might like this "cover" version.
OK, my little attempt at html did not go so well. Here is the link: http://www.interbridge.com/images/Mary_Worth_My_Humps.gif
Ha, I just came here to post that same link!
