xtcian

I JUST ABOUT COULDN'T STAND TO READ THIS!!!

Maybe I'm worse than most. When I am hanging around with Lucy, I PRAY I don't do something to hurt her, that I can protect her somehow. Same as it was with all of you, and it never ends.

One day when Kent was about 2 weeks old, I left him on the couch for about ten seconds, in what I thought was a securely wedged in position. Yup... he fell off on his face, bruised his forehead, and I cried for the rest of the day.

And of course you remember the time Sean (age 18 months or so) rode his "walker" all the way down the basement stairs and landed on his head on the cement floor. We all wanted to die. Steve went into his room and wouldn't come out for hours.

In both cases, as with Lucy, they were OK, but omigod. It's the one thing I dislike about having kids... even big ones like you, Ian. Once the kid is born, you live in a state of constant agonizing fear that something bad will happen to them. And when it's your "fault" it's a hundred times worse. I have NO, absolutely none, nada, niente comfort to give you. You had a kid. You will spend the rest of yourlife scared shitless.

The upside: With any luck they turn out to be smart, compassionate, productive, articulate, interesting adults.

Meanwhile, enjoy all the good stuff and try to remember that Lucy will almost certainly survive and thrive, in spite of marble floors and all the other potential dangers. It's what I keep telling myself.

Love,
Mom

PS: About hitting YOUR head. You think Lucy needs a brain-dead dad?. Cheesh.

Ian,

I just stumbled across your blog from Ingo and Jiff's wedding site and my heart went out to you regarding Lucy's accident.

Believe me, I can empathize - the same thing happened to my dad and my little sister. She fell off of our kitchen counter when she was barely two, leaving her with a shiner that was a sight to behold (she was still bald at the time, so indeed, quite a stunner). And he - the master of the guilt trip (usually handed down to us in a move of clever parenting psychology) beat himself up something terrible...

Fast forward 20 years and she graduated with distinction from Brown and is now earning her PhD in experimental psychology at the University of San Diego. She works on early child development and is an all-round kick-ass chick.

Ok, she didn't look so great for a while but kids are resilient little buggers. Since Lucy didn't come away with even so much as a bruise, I am projecting a Nobel Prize in her future (seeing what my sis can pull off).

I've got to agree with your mom re: the self-inflicted "I feel your pain" move..she needs a level-headed, not a cross-eyed dad! She pulled through, she's a start - that's what counts.

Take care,
Cathryn

er..a star, that is!

so glad little lucy is ok!

reminds me of that mantra oft uttered by parents: "god (or the spiritual being of your choice) gives you a free one!"

my free one was when nathan's little four-month-old noggin tumbled onto the hardwood floor next to our (tall) bed while i sorted laundry on the other side. i'll never forget that sound either.

When she was an infant, I placed Helen on my bed unattended for a few seconds, and she fell off . . . twice. Apparently I did not learn my lesson the first time.

The worst thing that I ever did: In the middle of the night, I was changing Helen's diaper. It was dark, I was tired, she was yelling, and I placed her on the changing table, without strapping the belt thing on. She had a bad diaper rash, and the wipes/cream irritated her skin so much that she wiggled away from me in such a way that she wiggled right off of the changing table, fell head first off of the changing table (at least a 3.5 foot drop), and landed with her head in the trash can full of diapers so that her legs were sticking straight out of the trash can. She could not have been more than 6 months old.

As my husband drove us to the emergency room, I held her in my arms and prayed to God that I had not broken her neck, caused injury to her spine, etc. I can still remember her looking up at me with those wide eyes, and I just cursed myself for not being worthy of her. Luckily, all of the trash in the trash can had cushioned her fall, and there was no damage to neck/spine/brain. For weeks later, though, she would be sitting up and playing and suddenly she would move her head or neck as though she was stiff. Ugh! I hated myself for being such an idiot. I still feel as though I am doing penance for my stupidity.

Nearly every horrible thing that has happened to my daughter happened while under my watch. So, I know exactly how you feel. To be honest, only NOW do I feel as though she is "safe". . . she is 6.5 years old, 4 feet tall, strong, smart. . . and she knows how to dial 911! She is sturdy and there is not much I can do now to cause her harm.

Keep in mind that accidents happen no matter how attentive you are, and children are made of strong stuff. Try to be kind to yourself. You are an excellent parent!

Ian, every parent reading in can relate a similar story of their own. The vigilance needed to keep these things from happening are super human. These beautiful creatures survive and amaze us all the more. I have to think their heads are the hardest matter on earth! The giggles, new words and then the goofy phrases will soon crowd that sound from your head. Hang in there.

Every parent has at least one of these events happen. It's horrifying, to be sure. My boy rode his tricycle down the 20 steps of our second-floor condo when he was 4. Forgive yourself, OK?

ian. please stop beating yourself up. every parent has had an incident like this. i am just glad that lucy is ok.

and do not, repeat DO NOT smash your head into the floor ever again. there was more of a chance that you would hurt yourself because adult brains are not as resilient as a baby brain. the guilt you felt was surely pain enough!

horrible, horrible, I'm calling SRS on all of you...

yeah, we've got the same stories. Funny how it changes with the second child tho, the fear level drops exponentially and the worry changes:

you hear a thump, thump, thump and think, oh geez, did he fall down the steps again? But you run and check the important thing anyways - that the diaper didn't leak out any poop on the steps on the way down.

well, maybe it isn't that relaxed, but it gets better.

Ian, I hope by the end of the day, you will realize that all of us as parents or as kids ourselves, have fallen off the bed, changing table, etc. The first time Ben rolled over was off of our bed and onto the floor. I still remember that thud too and I cried longer and harder than he did. As an active walking, running, climbing 17 month old, I hear that noise on a daily basis. The difference is that first time it was all my fault.

I think about our parents and the turmoil Salem and I must have put them through. He wrestled and played football, as well as drove like a bat out of hell. He was so wild that Mom asked God to give him her Guardian Angel because she truly believed he needed two. I cheered and rode horses and trips to the ER were not uncommon. Watching me climb to the top of a pyramid scraed my Equestrian dad to death and watching me jump my pony terrified my mom.

But they were at every event be it a show, game or lesson cheering us on and I imagine holding their breath and squeezing each other's hand.

That's it, I'm buying Ben a chess board and a violin right now!

You will hear a lot of hair-raising anecdotes from your readers today, Ian. I have at least a half-dozen involving our kids, including our 8-month-old baby getting her head smashed into a doorframe when one of us swung her up too enthusiastically; our 1.5-year-old son escaping my hand in a split-second in a busy parking lot and me hearing the loud squeal of brakes as a woman in an SUV narrowly avoided hitting him; etc etc.

And these will be stories from educated parents who care, who take care, who cultivate patience, who are meticulous in shielding their children from harm.

This stuff happens, and it's almost always one of those split-second deals; and we are horrified and humbled by our inability to always be perfect when it comes to shielding our children from harm. Thank God Lucy is all right. Now, forgive yourself and keep on being her wonderful dad. (easier said than done -- the forgiving part, that is!)

xxx -- kisses for Lucy's boo-boo

My guess is that more often than not if you have a parent who does not have a similar story to share than someone else is taking care of that parent's child.

And as advice to anyone out there, for future incidents, if an accident occurs on the other spouse's/parent's watch, don't ask, "Well, where were you when this happened?" The caretaker feels bad enough as it is and these things happen no matter how close an eye you keep on your children.

kjf is right: sometimes these things happen, despite all your intentions to be perfect. I'm glad it all turned out OK.

And yes, GFWD, I do indeed hail from the News. Sorry I misremembered the tune!!!!

My story-
When she was about four months old, Daughter was put in bouncy seat on the kitchen table so that I could make dinner. I even remember thinking, "Oh, that will be much safer than the floor; less chance of tripping over her or something falling on her" (We have a VERY small kitchen).
She lunged sideways and fell off the kitchen table, still snapped into that damn bouncy seat. I have hated myself before, but rarely with such total purity.

I feel your pain. When our first child was three months old my husband picked her up in the car seat from the floor. Unfortunately the handle of the infant car seat was not "clicked in place" and somehow it rolled forward and she fell straight out on her head (he hadn't strapped her in either). I heard the head thump from 3 rooms away. I had to stifle my anger at him because I knew he felt horrible enough and I knew it could've easily been me who did that. Of course, she was fine although every cry and flinch for hours afterward sent my heart rate sky high. Now I get to worry about her hurting herself since she's riding without training wheels and climbing high trees. As your Mom reminds us, the worrying for parents never ever stops but it's worth it. Forgive yourself. You are a wonderful parent.

Dear Ian, no more whacking your own head against the floor. I want you to teach Lucy self-forgiveness and you will have to learn it first. That said, I am not a parent, so take my words with a grain of salt. But I have tortured myself with a zillion stupid other things I've done, so I have a sense of what that is like and I can only imagine your terror and guilt. I am so happy to hear that Lucy bounced back (literally) and I want you to take good care of yourself (and your head) so that you can continue to be there to take good care of her every single day as you seem to have been doing rather consistently for quite a while.

Ian,

I'm just over 3 weeks into this fatherhood gig and I fear dropping or over-jostling my son. Today's entry is one that I don't think I'd have appreciated as much a month ago. As it was, I was trying to think of how my "penance" might go for such an unfortunate situation and I think the floor smack--though a little Hammurabi-esque--was a fair trade.

FURIOUS, well I'll be. I don't know if I'm more amazed that you remembered me from just the generic "GFWD" or that you remembered the artist and album of my arcane song request.

Send me an email if you get a chance: greg@atlantaheels.com

I'd love to catch up with you. To show off my memory for the bizarre bits of trivia, I remember my orientation letter to you before you arrived on campus your freshman year. I included the phrase: "And now for something completely different . . . ", prompting you to write me back noting my spot on Monty Python reference.

For the record, I might have done better in law school if I could remember more black letter law and less inane trivia about my former orientees!

When she starts walking she is going to hit her head, chin, nose, etc everyday for a while so be prepared.

My older sister was an accident prone child.

At some point as a youngster, she ran arms out-full speed through our glass sliding door. Her arms took the brunt of the beating and she still has a bunch of little scars on her forearms. And that's just the beginning.

We were an active bunch, my sister, brother and I and were often patched, slinged, cast-ed and otherwise unable to take a regular shower after injury. My mom became an expert at the "washing hair in the sink" system when we couldn't submerge our injuries (I was the recipient of this process quite a few times).

So, after the whole glass door incident, my sister broke her leg. She had a cast and while my mom was washing my sister's hair in the kitchen sink my sister rolled off the counter and onto the floor. Now she had a broken leg and a broken arm.

I believe all of this had taken place inside of 18 months/2 years. So my mom takes her to the hospital, where people are starting to look at her a little strangely. Then she realizes - the hospital staff most likely thinks she's afflicted with Munchausen by Proxy.

After explaining herself to the family doctor, he assured her that he didn't believe she was the cause of my sister's injuries. Also, usually Munchausen sufferers would take their children to different hospitals and doctors so as to escape detection. That, and my sister is just a klutz.

So things could be worse. I just thought I'd share.

ha - i like the part about banging your head on the floor, that was funny.

i just can't even count the horrifying head bumps and traumas of my 2 gymnast wannabes. my youngest had stitches at about as a 1 year old, from tumbling onto the corner of our platform bed and missed his eye by about an inch.

then there was that fall my oldest took when he was about 2, down the stairs in our loft from about 20 feet up level onto the poured concrete.

it's practically like a daily or weekly thing to have some kind of accident. i do feel blame and responsibility for lots of these things (we moved out of the loft and screwed styrofoam over the corners of the bed). but it's like even if you prevent that one thing that happened from ever happening again, they will just injure themselves in new and different ways.

and here is mine: after i changed the diaper of my tiny one [9 mths at the time?] at an upstate getaway in the middle of NOWHERE, i carelessly pulled her from her back into a sitting position by her arms... [you know how they tell you not to do this? this is why...]

after the immediate scream and then a sudden change to her being utterly physically still in what in hindsight we realized was an effort not to move her arm to keep the pain away, we realized something v awful was wrong. after driving around for an HOUR to FIND an emergency room [all the while, two huge blue eyes looking at me with sheer fright] we were diagnosed with "handmaiden's elbow?" or whatever the name is [dr. neva will know "real" term].

basically... i dislocated either her elbow or shoulder. they were able to pop it back with surprising ease, and my tiny one was 100% fine almost immediately.

i am thrilled to report my daughter is now a fully functional 2 year old ... without [i hope] any memory whatsoever of her mom's unfortunate "attack." as emma said, if there is a parent who HASNT had a disaster scenario unfold before them, well, id like to meet 'em!!

Nursemaid's elbow. It's a scary one for parents but docs like it because with just the right twist and turn the kid's arm is back to normal and the doctor is a hero!

I will report on mcf's behalf that not only does she have a fully functioning two year old - I think she has a fully funtioning two year old genius.

I have not shared my stories (two occassions) as I am embarrassed because no one else's stories seem to involve blood. I did not have to take them to the ER, but did put in frantic calls to my retired pediatrician father who does make house calls for his grandchildren.

The nursemaid's elbow is my horror story too. I was 8 months pregnant and my 2.5 y.o. ran out into the street. I grabbed her arm, she pulled up her legs, and started screaming. I thought I had broken her arm! It was very scary, and yes Neva, the Dr. was an immediate hero when he twisted it back into place.

My current medical nightmare is that little Henry (20 months) possibly has Hirschsprung's Disease. He had a biopsy on the 1st, and it wasn't done properly, and now we have to do it again. It makes me feel physically ill to think about having part of his intestines cut out and reattached to his rectum. Ugh. Waiting and not knowing is the worst.

ian, in future, be as careful with yourself as you would with the resilient lucy. as much as she needs her head, she needs yours too, as does your own mom.

(that was very nate fisher of you.)

great comment, ian's mom.

rebecca, wishing only the best for you and henry.

owww. ian, i am storing all of these stories in my brain so that when i have kids i won't do this...but i'm sure i will make mistakes anyway.

this reminds me of the swimming pool disasters people used to write into dear abby about ("i only turned away to get the phone for one second and suddenly she was in the pool!!!")

Glad she's ok. Please don't beat yourself up about it, literally OR figuratively!

How on earth did I dodge the bullet of nursemaid's elbow? I have never heard of it, and I thought we had seen it all. . . coxsackie virus, ear tube surgery, hand/foot/mouth disease, 5th's disease, an eye condition called intermittent extropia, 2 emergency room trips for stitches, to name just a few.

Ian, looks like you are in good company. Don't beat yourself up more than you already have.

GFWD - congratulations on your little baby!

Rebecca -- my heart goes out to you about your worry about Henry's condition. I know a little bit about Hirschsprung's. . . and the surgeries have a very high success rate. I agree with you, though . . . waiting and not knowing is enough to drive a person insane.

Take care!

LFWD,

Thanks for the well wishes for my baby. I always enjoyed coming to this blog because of the great Carolina vibe and healthy debate over topical subjects. But now that I am a "new parent" (in more ways than one) it takes on a whole new meaning. I'm glad I've stored away some of the advice and tidbits of wisdom from the fine folks who regularly chime in here. I just spent the past two hours watching TiVo'd Desperate Housewives and Grey's Anatomy with the little guy asleep on my chest.

I totally feel your horror, but you let yourself off a little easy. Elizabeth dropped off Lillie Anne at the Steakhouse one day and asked me to watch her for an hour. Lillie Anne, at the age of three, decided to hide under a table in the banquet room. After a short panic, I did not merely bang my head on the flooor. I chose to strip naked and sear myself in a 350 degree fryer leaving specific instructions for my fry cook to remove me while rare but nicely browned and crispy. Following written instructions the kitchen staff then "barded" my crispy flesh with sliced fatback using twine and slow roasted my carcass at 275 for two hours. My head cook removed me when my buttocks registered 135 degrees. Then at the moment of most extreme pain I was given a "merchant de vin" enema. Now that's penance, Mr. Knock your Noggin.

On a serious note, I'm glad Lucy is O.K.. Life is so fragile, I don't know how we will survive our love for these precious children.

If there isn't already an expression "stupid with remorse," I think it's only because nobody's been quite so stupid. Karma doesn't need your assistance, Ian, Lucy does.