xtcian

Wonderful, and wonderfully written. Regarding having a baby in late thirties, that might be a topic for another day. It is considered not something anyone should wait for for too long, but some of us have no choice.

Happy Birthday Sean! I hope it's a great one!

What a lovely tribute to your brother and your sibling relationship. I have to comment however, that although you guys have worked things out and become friends this isn't always the norm. I have a younger brother (5 years younger) who I do love very much and we see each other quite a bit but we are in no way "friends" - in the way that I would choose a friend. We had a similar tumultuous family life. My parents divorced shortly after my brother went to college (they "stayed to together for the kids" -Ha - we used to WISH they would divorce). My brother is a hard line conservative, NASCAR fan and
Monster truck lover. We have almost nothing in common except our parents and our common experiences, but that did create a bond that is fairly strong.
After we had our first daughter I was fairly sure we should have another for the very reasons you mention. And, I too went for the ideal 3 years span. I was thrilled when we found out we were having another girl because I've always wondered what it would have been like to have a sister and was excited for my daughter to have one. As I might have alluded to before, my youngest daughter was born with many, many problems and is now severely developmentally delayed, although she is making slow progress. We have slowly accepted the that she is going to be "special" forever. She is now 2 and not walking or talking. The hardest thing about this for me has been worrying about my older daughter's experience as a sibling. I know it will shape her in lots of good and bad ways, but it has been hard to lose those ideas in my head of my two little girls playing and being typical sisters. Although I don't really like sharing this part of my life because I find it creates that "Awww..." reaction which I hate, but I think it is so relevant to this blog entry and you guys might as well know the whole story. So, Ian, I had to comment here and let you know that sibling relationships are hit or miss experiences. With this, as with most things in parenting, you do the best you can and you have no idea how it will actually work out. I would discourage anyone from having another kid just to "have a sibling" for their first.

Happy Birthday Sean! And, Neva -- thank you for sharing your story. I think that the decisions whether to have a child at all and how many children to have are so personal. . . it is very fascinating to me how our family histories shape our decisions.

As for us, Helen is 7 yrs. old, and we don't plan to have any other children. I get the sense that people assume that we "can't" have any more, or we are selfish, or a whole host of other assumptions, but the reality is that we are happy with our little family unit and don't feel the urge to add to it. As my hub says, "I always knew that I wanted to be a father, and I am. I don't need to have more than one child to be a father."

The most interesting thing to me is that Helen has never once asked for a sibling or expressed a desire for a baby in the house, as is the case with other only children I know. I am not sure why, but I like to think that it is because she is happy with our little family unit as well.

Will she one day feel as though she missed out on a sibling relationship? Maybe. But, in the meantime, my goal is to give her a home full of love, attention, laughter . . . hopefully this is what she will focus on and remember during her adult years.

Interesting topic today. (Happy Birthday, Sean!!) I have an older sister, and I can honestly say that aside from biological parents, we have zilch in common. She's living in Kansas on welfare with 6 kids (you see, the more kids you have in Kansas, the more money they give you) and a meth habit -- after having run away from home at the age of 14. She almost caused my parents to divorce, and the drama that surrounded her departure had a profound impact on my childhood. I always wondered what it would be like to have a sibling who gave a damn about you and vice versa.

We'll probably have a second child, too, and part of it is that I'd like Caleb to have a sibling. But I don't have any expectations that they'll be best friends. But hopefully, they'll share a bond more like my husband and his brother (and probably most of the rest of the population). Of course, I live in fear that either Caleb or this future sibling will end up like my sister. That's the stuff that keeps me awake at night...

Tanya -- interesting story!

My husband and I both have one younger sibling each. Tim is not close to his sister, and I am somewhat close to my brother, but we are not "friends". We can go for months without seeing or talking to each other. Given this, the "your daughter needs a sibling" argument is lost on us.

What worries me more is the fact that our family consists of two first-borns who are lawyers, and an only child. I have done a lot of research on birth order and only children, and from all accounts, our house should be a powder keg of strong personalities ready to explode!

Plus, Helen and I are both Geminis! Yikes! I predict lots of mother-daughter clashes during the teen years. . . my poor husband. . .

Happy birthday Sean. Ian, it's refreshing to know that my sister and I weren't the only ones to have a contentious period growing up, only to later become much closer siblings and friends.

Neva, it takes a lot of guts to bare your soul like that. It would appear that you've been blessed with both courage and good looks in equal measure. I have several friends whose children have had some developmental issues and I'm amazed at the strength they find to conquer the challenges their loving children present to them on a daily basis. I only know enough to know that I have no idea what it's like to stand in your shoes as a parent of a special child, but I appreciate the glimpse into your world. Thanks for sharing.

As LFMD says, decisions surrounding family are indeed personal and no one situation is right for everyone. So my thoughts are just my opinion based on the context of my life.

I was an only child for 10 years before my sister came along (an “oops”). Once she arrived, I was so busy with middle school and high school, she was kind of scenery for me in the house. If anything, she was schlepped around by my mother to all my activities. It really was two different families: my parents and I, and my parents and her. As she started college, we began to have more in common and more of a relationship. During her senior year, my husband and kid (he’s a Gemini, LFMD!) and I happened to move the same city as her college. We started spending more time together, and she’s now stayed the last few summers with us in between law school years. It is a completely different dynamic now that we’re more in the real world and “adults.” Plus, she put 2500 additional songs on my iPod and can babysit for free. Though I guess my “inheritance” will now be split in half! Would I have been fine and well-adjusted without ever having a sister? Sure. But I like how things have played out and can’t imagine her not being around.

My husband and I always knew we’d have at least 2 kids; there was never really a decision made. We have loved these first 3 years with our son and can’t wait to go through them again with another child. I wonder at times if can we dig a 2nd kid as much as we have our first, but I see the joy both my sister and I bring our mother and know each child is unique and can bring something different to the table. And it would be one more kid to help us when we’re old and gray and social security is kaput! However, our plan hit a snag when two straight miscarriages (there were never any problems when trying for our 1st) made us consider that we may not have a choice in the matter. Luckily, we’re 12 weeks on the way to a Thanksgiving due date and hoping we’re through any danger period, but its just reinforced how comfortable we are in wanting to add another to the mix.

My unsolicited thoughts…

For anyone who is in their mid to late 30’s…

Decide what is most important
If you have more children – have them be three years apart
Or, have more children….

I speak from person experience… the older you get, the harder it is to have children (for females).

I started trying to get pregnant with my second child when I was 35…It definitely was not easy. I couldn’t believe it when an Ob told me that my age was a factor. How could that be – I was only 35, felt great, no medical problems, etc…Anyway, we spent a ton of money on work up/evaluation and IUI’s… with no success. Finally we did IVF for about 15K. We were lucky it worked the first time…While IVF worked for us, statistically it does not work most of the time.

Not wanting to preach… just share my story and hopefully prevent someone from the heartache that I went through.

Congrats SCRUGGS. I'm pulling for a girl this time around for you and Don so my son can still "inherit" your son's Carolina gear--or at least "borrow" it for football season.

What kind of music did your sister upload on to the iPod and, more importantly, if my wife and I host her for a weekend, you reckon she could do that to mine as well?

CONGRATULATIONS SCRUGGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is wonderful news, my friend! Hope that you are feeling well and having an easy pregnancy.

To Another Bug's Mom,

I know this is great advice- to start having kids before turning 35- but what if you are close approaching 34 and are still single and in no way do you have the means to have a child on your own? Sometimes life dictates when these things can and will happen, or not happen.

I'm stunned, often, not just because I have four amazing older brothers, but that I have four amazing older brothers that mostly want me around, too. If I have a child, which I very much want to do, I also want the ability to give him or her a brother or sister, because I cannot imagine my life without my brothers. But when I do the math, my chances for having two children do not look so good. Yes, of course I would consider adoption, but that is cold comfort right now.

Clearly, choosing to have more than one child, or to have children at all, is an extremely personal choice. I'm awfully glad my mom went for five. But I think we can agree that our childhoods, to some degree, shape our later lives and so I'm often curious as to what my life might have looked like if my home had been like the one LFMD describes- one full of love, attention, and laughter. Kudos to everyone who wrote here today, because clearly, none of you are asleep at the wheel- you are all making conscious choices about the home life of your children, and that is what really matters.

Coming from a family with step-siblings, half-siblings, and adopted kids I can only say there are other options to adding to the family. And all are good. It continues to amaze me how comfortable people are in assuming they can have kids according to their plan (three years after the first....). In my opinion, if you are in your later 30's the sooner the better. Like the other post above, not wanting to preach...just hate to see anyone go through what we did.

That being said, I am the mother of a son who we adopted at birth. He is almost 3 and we would like another but it is out of our hands. It is nice to hear the stories of others with one kid (LFMD!). both my husband and I come from big families so the only kid thing is kind of foreign to us. Our son is a blessing and I thank God every day for the opportunity to be his mom. :)

Congratulations, Scruggs!
Two comments:
I can remember being about 10 years old constantly fighting with my 17 year old sister (the closest in age to me of my four older bros and sisters) and getting so mad, that I just looked at her and blurted out: "Bitch". I had no clue what I was saying - I don't know where I had heard the word, but I think she held that outburst over my head for about a month. "I'm going to tell Mom what you called me!" As soon as she left for college and we stopped living together and now 20 some years later, I count her among my closest friends. As for my brothers, I would walk to the ends of the earth for them, but I don't "talk" with them.

I have idolized my friend, Neva, for years and know it is not easy for her to tell her story, but in the last couple of years, she and her husband have truly become heros to me, in their own way. Watching them raise their daughters has been a true life lesson for me. I look forward to watching each sister develop at their own pace.

Salem and I are 6 years apart and I think up until I went to Carolina, I was pretty much a thorn in his side. I idolized him and would raid his closet as soon as he left for school. He always looked out for me, even when I was a pain in the butt and I'm so thankful he stayed at Carolina through my first semester. He got to know the "real" me, not the watered down version you sometimes have to be when you live at home.

I'm pretty sure that Ben will be our only baby. I don't feel like anyone is missing from my dinner table, if you know what I mean.

We watched Animal House a fair bit as children. Don't get me wrong, we also listened to a lot of Prokofiev, but we have Animal House memorized. There is a moment when Flounder is being terrorized and two of the Deltas are watching, and one says "He can't do that to our pledges!" and the other says, "Yeah. Only WE can do that to our pledges!"

That's sort of what it is like having siblings. I could write a book on the ways in which Ian is ridiculous, but I would be pissed off if someone else did. The truth is that Ian, Michelle and I are close, in our way, because we happen to go through some developmental stuff hand in hand, and we've all got similar aesthetic tastes. I mean, Michelle and Ian wouldn't like a fair amount of the music I listen to, but none of us is gonna like Nascar.

Neva, I'm not at all a religious person, but I do think that we try to do the things we want to do with our lives, and the richness happens when complications arise. Your post was really powerful, and though I don't believe that everything happens for a reason, I do think that finding things inside yourself when things work out differently than you planned is the most rewarding part of living.

Anyway, thanks for the birthday wishes.

Thanks, Sean, for being a thorn in all of our sides.

You're a very...bad...person. And we love you for it. Well, not in *that* way, but y'know.

Happy Birthday!

Okay, now you guys made me cry at work.
Thanks GFWD and Emma too (and others) for your sweet comments.
I hope I didn't sound too down about the whole thing. We actually have a lot of fun still. I think that's what suprising about all of this for me is that well, life just goes on, and it's still pretty damn good most of the time. Only child, two kids, a house full, life is, after all, kinda what you make it and friends are really important!Thanks

well, hell.

i don't know what to say about the whole waiting or not waiting age related thing, best to just ask your midwife. shit can go wrong at any age.

i have 2 boys who are 3 years apart and even though they are still little (almost 4 and almost 7) but they are extremely tight and get along great. i think right now all their petty fights about stuff are roughly equal to the moments of total undeniable love and camaraderie.

i think if they ever tried to put up a wall between each other i would totally intervene with some kind of family outward bound experience or something. but the 4 of us are all really tight and i just can't comprehend how it would change.

that being said, i was an only child until i was 13 and my husband was also an only child. clearly we are just winging it, we have no idea what we are doing. or at least, no real frame of reference.

Neva, your experience sounds extremely stressful for you, but personally i don't see it as a cautionary tale. i had a totally eye-opening and perspective-altering experience when i became close friends with a woman who has a brother with disabilities. the sheer normalcy of their sibling relationship and experiences shattered all my preconceived ideas about life in this kind of family situation. if my friends are any indication, then your kids will just have their own unique sibling relationship with all the ups and downs that path takes them on, disability or no disability.

both my kids are fully abled, at least they are right now. and the way i see it, is if being fully abled, my older son leaves my younger son stranded high up in a tree and scares the shit out of him, he would just do essentially the same thing if the younger one was disabled, by leaving his wheelchair stuck at the top of the stairs or something equally as horrible that would make me rip my hair out. they will have total moments of evil doing, mischief, and meanness simply because they are siblings.

and likewise, whatever fun and joyous side of the relationship they carve out with each other, whatever inside jokes and close bonding moments they share, those will be just uniquely theirs, beautiful, and impossible to explain, whether they are disabled or not.

here is a link to my friend's brother's website, he is a writer and disability rights activist: www.leroymoore.com

This has nothing to do with today's topic, but I have been amusing myself all day with this link. Apparently Gawker linked its website to this woman's blog, and all I can say is that Melissa and Chappy are about to get quite a set of comments.

http://melissacmorris.blogspot.com/

And, from what I can tell, Melissa and Chappy are for real. I don't encourage people to post snark on other people's personal blogs, but . . . WOW.

All very interesting responses. As for Michelle, yeah, there are lots out there like you and me. I wish biology could hold off a little longer.

Here's something of interest: www.babybyme.blogspot.com.

I beleive that if you listen closely to your heart, God will let you know how many children are right for you. Some of us will be blessed with many, some only one, but they are a true gift no matter how many or few you have. Cherish every moment.

Wow, that Neva is something, huh. What a powerful piece of writing.

I should amend my blog to say that I'm THEORETICALLY hellbent on Lucy having a sibling, but that we aren't really going to talk about it for another two years. Perhaps something will alter our mindset in the meantime, but as many of you say, whether or not we have another healthy baby is not exactly up to us. And Tessa, obviously, has to chime in on the subject.

I'm not going to be one of those dads that forces another kid into the family just to hear myself roar - I've seen that in other relationships, and it always looks incredibly gross.

LFMD, aw, c'mon, this couple isn't that bad. The comments she's been getting are very funny, though. I think I'm jealous, but I'm not quite sure why.

CL -- I am starting to like Melissa and Chappy. I have been reading all about their Venice honeymoon. Ugh -- Why do I get so easily addicted to this STUFF? Anyway, I am still a bit mystified why Melissa sells things on ebay even though she is married to a multi-millionaire.