August 16, 2006
ladies first
8/16/06
A word about "Free to Be... You and Me." I loved this album more than almost anything in my life; I liked it so much I didn't even ask my parents for it because somehow owning it was too much responsibility. The verse of the title song:
There's a land that I see
where the children are free
And I say it ain't far
to this land from where we are
...featured a chord progression that was so intrinsically beautiful to me that I would wait breathlessly every year for Mr. Feuerhelm, our music teacher at Grant Wood Elementary School in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, to cue it up. I have to say that one chord progression is the building block of everything I've enjoyed since.
FTBYAM, however, was not a simple relationship for me, and it hasn't aged well. If you click on any of the links from yesterday's blog, you'll see how unbelievably dated it looks, and the sentiments almost single-handedly define the wussyism of post-1960s Sensitive America. Some of the ideas, like Parents are People, seem bizarrely self-obvious, and others, like Circle of Friends, are so obviously quaalude-infested that it's a miracle Kris Kristofferson could get a lyric off.
At the time, it was brilliant casting to have football star Rosey Grier sing It's Alright to Cry, but it sure didn't sway any of my classmates in fifth grade. In fact, FTBYAM became a bittersweet curse. At the time, it was considered faggoty for the kids to call other boys by their first name, so I was called "Williams" for years. It wasn't until prep school that I actually heard my first name used.
Of course, the song every 3rd grader loved from the album was William Wants A Doll, which was easily switched by the entire class to "Williams Wants a Doll," sung in unison as I died a million deaths. It was truly devastating to hear that "s" after "William" every time, looking around, and noticing that even the biggest losers in our grade were in on the joke, relishing their turn to flog the one person that was even lower than they were.
A few weeks later, I mustered the courage to take "Free to Be" at its word. We were required to do book reports in front of the whole class each month, and frankly, I had already read all of the books that were sanctioned by the cool boys: football stories, The Mouse and the Motorcycle, Encyclopedia Brown - I was sick of them. By chance, I found myself reading one of the girl books - something from the Betsy-Tacy series - and I was stunned to find out they were pretty fucking good. Why were the Betsy books girls-only?
So the day of the book report came, and the same jock fuckwads kept "reviewing" the same book of football stories, and it dawned on me I was screwed. I fumbled for another book to fake, but couldn't think of one. When I got up in front of the class, I pulled out Betsy and Joe - and the screams of derision were so loud you could hear them outside on the street. I flew into hysterics, started to cry, and because I was a basket case, the teacher sent my ass to the principal.
I don't know if the irony dawned on any of my teachers that "Free to Be," the late-20th century tome on tolerance, was being used to ridicule me, or that it had doled out criminally terrible advice. But lesson learned. It's actually NOT "Okay to Cry" and it's NOT COOL that "Williams Wants a Doll" and as for being "Free to Be," you can go fuck yourself.
I hear that schools are better now, that they don't tolerate that shit as much. I hope so. Because if not, I'm saving pennies to make sure Lucy goes to the most tolerant Quaker Friends school this side of 1974.
Posted by Ian Williams at August 16, 2006 11:48 PMAnd here's the thought to toy with your sleep tonight; middle-school girls are far meaner than the boys. More patient, more deadly and more linguistically equipped.
Yeah!
Home-school!
Okay, it's 4 a.m. and I've been up late editing a news story, and you made me start giggling. Thank you.
Also quite a coincidence, because my brother sent me a nasty e-mail yesterday, and just an hour ago, I responded by sending back the lyrics to "Sisters and Brothers, Sisters and Brothers" just to piss him off. So Free to Be...is still being used for torment.
my 4th grade in Durham NC put the entire book on as a play, singing all the songs, acting out the scenarios. I loved it. I still love it. I was the narrator of "Ladies First." Loved it!! But my fave is "When we grow up" but Michael didn't sing that on the album, I don't think. Thanks for bringing it up, my own three year old loves it too. Her favorite song is "its all right to cry."
Sorry for the bad flashbacks. And BTW, you've got your doll(s) alright with all those babes and blues to make it all worth the while. At Hazelwood, we only saw F2B once a year (w/Scrooge) on a reel to reel with the entire student body. Most folks didn't commit it to memory and I just loved the music.
Life is all about the vamp. Great posts.
". . . the oldest and most devestating pain there is: not the pain of childhood, but the remembrance of it." - Toni Morrison's Sula.
I tend to agree. Do you?
When my friend Bilbo was not so old
He found him a ring of solid gold
It made him vanish. It brought him joy
But this little ring was not a toy
Because the Elves and Dwarven kings
And mortal men had magic rings
But they were slaves till Sauron’s fall
For this was the one ring, that ruled them all!
The Ring! The Ring! Bilbo has the Ring!
Some say it’s hidden safe in Bag-End Shire
Some said to use it against Warlord Sauron
Others said, destroy it in the Mordor fire
“I wantsss my Precioussss” was a fourth opinion
“I know what to do” said Warlord Sauron to his minions…So Lord Sauron sent forth the living dead
To bring back the ring, and Bilbo’s head
The Wizard Gandalf arrived in town
And consulted a sage, of great renown,
Who told him, Sauron wants the Ring, so when he rules the planet some day
He’ll surely oppress us, turn houses to rubble
And cruelly repress us with all kinds of trouble
And torture the people as every good Warlord would love to do…
The Ring! The Ring! Bilbo has the Ring! The Ring! The Ring! Bilbo has the Ring!When my friend Bilbo was 110
The Wizard Gandalf came back again.
He said Bil’s toy was a cursed thing
And asked him to give up the Ring
And Bilbo knew there was the need
And to destroy the Ring agreed
But when we turned to leave the hill—
“Can I please have my ring back?” said my friend Bil!
The Ring! The Ring! Bilbo wants the Ring! The Ring! The Ring! Bilbo wants the Ring!Now Bilbo’s nephew, as I’ve been told
Was given the ring of solid gold
And my friend Bilbo began to frown
But the Wizard Gandalf calmed him down
Saying, Frodo has the ring, and when he leaves the shire today
He’ll face Orcs and Ringwraiths determined to slay him
Ungodly temptations, and friends who betray him
While you can retire and make your way safely to Rivendell…Now -- Frodo has the Ring! Frodo has the Ring!
And someday he will want to be a Warlord too!
I feel compelled to respond to Quinn's comment, not for the sake of a blanket contradiction, but to state simply for the record that I myself never suffered or witnessed abuse from middle-school girls that even compared to, let alone outstripped, the mercilessness that grade-school boys visited on boys and girls alike. I just feel it bears saying, Quinn--not that I wish to undermine that validity of your point. I certainly did suffer in middle school from girls' cruelty, but I was never spat upon, hit, tormented or humiliated the way that I was by boys in grade school.
I wonder if anyone--I guess it would have to be a girl--else has a similar tale to tell.
p.s. if anyone EVERRRRRRR f*cks with Lucy they will have some trouble on their hands
....that postscript was very un-FTBYAM. I'm sorry, Marlo.
well if nothing else i thank you for proving my point about giving kids unusual names - it doesn't matter WHAT you name your kids, some bully(ies) can always find some way to be cruel.
i just believe that some kids are jerks and some are decent, and you have to help your kids figure out who is who. and you have to help them know that whatever choice they make, like reading the *girls* books, there will be consequences they should understand when they make the choice.
getting them to have that inner sense of who they are starts at home, and as they get older i believe in getting them involved in different groups with different people, like camp, after school programs, and such, because they get to try out different roles and define themselves differently.
i'm conflicted about the whole school-sheltering thing. i liked private school, but i also want my kid go get a bit street smart and exposed to a variety of people early on. it's a hard path to navigate.
Both boys and girls tend to become nasty and cruel at that age. It's not an accident that it coincides with arrival of the ability to procreate. Ultimately it's about mate selection.
Boys compete using size, strength, athletic ability, and good old-fashioned violent aggression. Girls compete using sexual attractiveness, an understanding of social structures, and verbal skills to "psyche out", outmaneuver, ostracize, and demean other girls.
I was big for my age so older guys used to pick fights with me. I sought to avoid them when possible and instead to date their older, more experienced female classmates. The kids who have a mix of ALL these skills and attributes, not just those typical of their own gender, do best. I hope to teach, teach my children well...
LOVE FTB... know almost all the words by heart as a result of playing it endlessly as a child. The cockles of my heart were warmed recently when I dropped my dtr off at preschool and the album was playing. Maybe we don't live in that kind of world... but there are people out there who try to make it that way.
of note - I think one of your old frat brother's mom is the female voice in "Ladies First."
I found an old FTB CD at the library book sale, bought it and sang along to the half-forgotten lyrics. Just put the title song on a CD mix for some friends, actually. I really loved that album.
I had terrible problems with girls harassing me in middle school, then transferred in the middle of the year to a similar suburban school in a different state and and was embraced warmly by lots of other kids. I think it really depends on too many factors to plan for them all, other than giving your kids lots of socialization and some ideas/tools about what to do if they get picked on.
I just read this post, and I feel so sorry for the 3rd grade Ian. Honestly, from my experiences as a parent of a 7 year old, I think that in general, teachers are more cognizant of interpersonal behaviors among the students, and schools don't have much tolerance for bullying. Take heart. My daughter just got eyeglasses, and I was SO worried that some kids would be cruel at summer camp when she wore them for the first time. I wore glasses since kindergarten and was mercilessly teased about them. Anyway, all of the kids were very kind about the eyeglasses, and Helen had a very positive experience. I was amazed! I had even given her a pep talk in advance, telling here that some kids might be mean and that she should be prepared. All went well. . . . maybe there is some hope for our daughters to survive childhood unscathed! Take care and have a great weekend. Keep taking those beautiful CA photos with lovely Lucy! They are quite amazing.
"Amber from Minnesota". I remember well the day that all of our 6th grade Quenn Bees were called to the headmasters office at Charlotte Latin and went home with angry tears. They had finally devoured the young girl who transfered in the middle of the year when her family moved to Charlotte from Minnesota. She was easy going and sweet, but made the mistake of being taller than the reigning Queen Bees/Heathers and she had the nerve to bring a personality with her from Minnesota. She was tormented until her parents had to pull her out of school. Apparently the tuition loss called for a reprimand of the young ladies.
Amber's revenge. Twenty years later I took my son to an Atlanta Hawks game and noticed a stunning woman, about 5'11, emerging from a VIP section. It was unmistakably "Amber from Minnesota". I wish her tormentors could see Amber the stunning sports marketing executive. As a strong woman with a commanding presense, she still had the same warm smile she had in 6th grade. BTW, none of the boys ever knew what was happening to Amber. We were clueless when the poop hit the fan.
Time to forgive and move on. Peace comes.
LOVED LOVED LOVED Free to Be...You and Me. My mom donated our LP copy to my kindergarten class when we got the cassette tape, and everyone in the class loved it, too.
Lucy will be fine, because she'll be surrounded by other Park Slope hippie children, like I was, and I mean that in a totally positive way. It's a whole different set of circumstances from what you experienced.
Did you ever wonder why I love living here even though my politics tend to be very different from those of the masses in this area? THAT's why.