9/10/06
We've all heard hundreds of stories about how badly September 11, 2001 affected this country; in essence, history has given us a lot to look downward to. New Yorkers have reactions from "I lost my three best friends" to "I don't know what the fuss was all about," but many of us inhabit that sad liminal in-between.
Anyone who has read this particular online diary for any amount of time is no doubt tired of hearing my plaintive wails about 9/11: the descent into impenetrable darkness, the Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, the Celexa. However, I would like to take this anniversary and put away all the ugliness and sadness and give a huge thanks to that day for what it gave me.
That I was able to wade through that much anguish was one thing; it taught me I might survive any depression, and forced me to reckon with all the humiliation I suffered as a kid. I began to understand my apocalyptic paranoia for what it really was - a lasting, chronic fear of being young, unprotected and abandoned. The events of that day played right into some deep psychosis, and if I hadn't rooted it out, I'd still be a ticking time bomb ready to implode into worthlessness.
But that's just solipsism. The real thanks I have to give is this: September 11 allowed me to have a family. It wasn't until I saw those bodies falling from the sky, it wasn't until I helped people find their children, not until I dusted off survivors and helped feed families whose brethren were irreparably lost, that I was able to shrug off my own disgusting ego and come to grips with a simple phrase: "you're not going to live forever."
When "the rest of your life" didn't seem so daunting anymore, the concept of marriage became not only acceptable, but a delight. And when you accept a certain fatalism and are ready to face the possibility of a broken heart, you can have a child, and in the years following, we did.
There will be much talk today of "are we safer?" There will be political parties jockeying for position over the dead bodies of New Yorkers absent for five years. There will be so many things we could have done better, yet instead opted to choose fear over intelligence. But in this one moment, I need to thank the worst day in our memory for giving me the best gift I've ever known.
Posted by Ian Williams at September 10, 2006 11:05 PMThis post, it's beautiful. Thank you.
Driving into work this morning, I was wondering what your post today would be like. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. . . and I appreciate the way you drew a positive life lesson. I agree with you -- if anything, 9/11 gave me a badly-needed sense of PERSPECTIVE. When you are a depressive, it is so easy to get lost in the quagmire of your own thoughts and amplified "problems." I am embarrassed by my own self-absorption, and when I get stressed out or overwhelmed, I try to remember to keep my drama in the proper perspective. I have my health, I have my family, and the rest of it is all background noise.
Take care and give your family a cyber hug for me.
Unique, simple, and lovely post.
Out of darkness comes light. Thanks for this post, Ian.
this is why i keep reading your blog even though i dont know you. i had to turn the tv news off this morning and i havent had the strength to pick up the paper yet but now i think i can.
a dear friend of mine and her partner had a child on 9-11-01 and i try to think of her smiling little face every time this date comes around. i'll be sending her a link to this post today as i am sure she will appreciate it too.
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