xtcian

ok.... I'll accept that she's the favorite Lee as long as I can claim a close second.

When Ben (23 months) was just learning to sit up(9 months), I not only kneed him in the head, but sent him slamming into the bathroom cabinet. I was trying to take a shower and had rigged up a exisaucer/laundry basket system to keep Ben "safe" in the bathroom. I was drying off and heard the phone ringing in our bedroom. I was waiting for Ben's doctor to call back about an ear infection, so I jumped through the obstacle course to get to the phone. In the process, I kneed Ben so hard in the head that he rammed into the cabinet door. And it hurt my knee. And it left a bruise. I cried harder and longer than he did. Thankfully he did not end up with brain damage or an odd shaped dent in his head. So, I'm glad the paparazzi did not catch my baby emprisonment system or me nailing his precious head twice. And I was still baby fat and naked. Shudder.

Today's blog reminded me of the worst moment of my life, when my son Holt fell down a flight of 18 stairs while in my care. It was a Monday and Holt was home from daycare with the coxsackie virus. I had just taken the final section of the CPA exam that morning and was incredibly sleep deprived from caring for Holt, who had been sick all weekend, and trying to sneak in any last minute studying for the exam, usually in the middle of the night. While my husband ran to the store for groceries, Holt and I were upstairs in his room trying to find a video that would keep him satisfied, at least for a few minutes. He somehow toddled away from me while I was programming the DVD player and pushed open the gate my husband thought he had locked. I will never forget the sound of him tumbling down those stairs and running down to get to him at the bottom. Of course he landed on him bottom, facing me, and was perfectly fine except for one bruise on his forehead. Thank God the steps were carpeted. But I will never forget the panic and fear I experienced when I thought of what could have happened. I don't think I put him down for a week. Needless to say, I think every parent experiences a moment as such and I am only grateful mine turned out as well as it did.

Funny you should ask. This last Saturday, I was meeting my husband, my 6 year old and my 3 year old at the soccer field for opening day. Team pix were at 10:15 and I wasn't going to be able to get there until 10:30. I walk up and my husband barks at me to go pay the pix lady some money which means I have to go back to my car parked about .25 miles away to get my checkbook. My 3 year old refused to go with me, so I left her with the team and strict orders to stay there, assuming my husband knew she was with them (you know what happens when you assume). I get back 5-10 minutes later and she is nowhere to be seen. I run around for what seems like an hour, but really was less than a minute and I see my little girl with another mother by the parking lot looking for her parents. THIS MOTHER HAD FOUND HER WANDERING THE PARKING LOT LOOKING FOR ME! Oh, I felt so bad. Thank God the paparazzi or DSS social workers were not around.

Housebreaking Miles, the Vermont Devil Child has been quite the task. This was going on during some major renovations to the house and our 'fridge had been relocated to the living room.

When the new kitchen was done and it was time to move the fridge back in there, I decided it would also be a good time to clean it out. Now we've got one of those with the fridge on top and freezer on the bottom...

So I'm cleaning it out and come across something stuffed in the door of the freezer. Closer inspection shows it to be toilet paper wrapped around something - perhaps an uneaten chocolate bar? Nope, a bonafide poopsickle was in the palm of my hand.

The VDC admitted to it - he'd had an accident and didn't want to be found out and that was his hiding place. His concept of time hasn't really been formed, so we have no idea how long it had been in there.

I threw away all the food from the freezer, cleaned it with soap and water, then Fantastic, then soap and water again.

Still, I'm glad that never made the tabaloids as I think any dinner invitation we might ever extend would be turned down.

Just Andrew, I just read your comment and burst out laughing. My 4 year-old NC Devil Child peed in the ac/heating vent last week!
Hmmm, I'll try to recall how I've nearly injured them . . .

Once, when bowling with med students, I saw a Dad a few lanes over sweep up his crawling two year old in a big arching motion. Trouble is the kid kept going. Flew into the air and crashed down straight on the top of the head on the lane. Doctors-to-be look at casually walk over at the screaming child but not IDing themselves. Came back said "screams normal, eyes dialating normally, body movements normal, no blood...let's bowl." These things happen.

Changing the baby's diaper in restaurant restrooms. Men's rooms in restaurants hardly ever have changing tables, which means I'm stuck changing the diaper on an unhygenic bathroom floor. The dear tot always tries to roll over these days, and always reaches for floor schmutz to put in her mouth, and she shrieks when I at least scrub her with a towel afterwards while holding her one handed, and it's awkward and any photographer could easily get a shot making it look like I'm torturing my kid or about to drop her or something. Ick.

Oh, I've got you all beat.

Tandem sliding at the park the day after Christmas 2005. Mia's leg got caught between me and the slide on the way down. SNAP. Broken leg, and a 2.5 year old in a cast from her toes to the very top of her leg for 6-8 weeks.

She goes down slides fine by herself,... I decided to join her that ONE time, wanting to have a little fun from her perspective. BAD MOMMY

In the ER, I learned tandem sliding is a common cause of broken bones in small children. PSA: Don't tandem slide with your little one.

By the way - don't worry - she's good as new.

you let lee take Lucy for a walk?????? HA!

You know how some couches have pillows that are attached to the back of the couch and don't come off? Imagine a 3 year old (now 4.5) taking a big donkey piss right down between the crack in the pillows. Enjoy your weekend!

One night, I *almost* threw my colicky 1-month-old baby boy out the second-story bedroom window. I had walked the floor with him for hours, and every time I leaned over to gently set him in his cradle, he would startle awake and begin yowling again. Realizing I was losing my mind from sleep deprivation, I ran downstairs with the baby and thrust him at my TV-watching husband, yelling, "TAKE HIM".

Once I'd calmed down, we both discussed how we comprehended -- NOT condoned -- how some parents go off the deep end with their babies. Imagine a 19 year old single mother coping night after night with a sleepless screaming baby. Yikes.

I'm stuffing my daughter and son into the bike trailer for our commute in, and the neighbor cat is doing figure-eights between our feet, causing confusion and delay. I give it a little nudge with my foot, and the cat hisses at me. Harried and challenged by the cat that scratches our car and craps our driveway, I uncharacteristically respond with "F*** OFF CAT!" An angellic 4-year old voice joins with, "Yeah, f*** off cat!"

Hey, no parenting award that day, but at least I know she's got my back.

I jab Jordana's stomach really hard to make the baby wake up and do shit so I can watch her stomach spin and roll. I don't even *have* a child, and I'm already a terrible father.

Anyone who teaches their kid "fuck off, cat" wins a gold star as far as I am concerned.

i scratched my first born's thigh with a safety pin during diapering and drew blood. i think i cried more than he did.

and when we lived in a loft with cement floors there were more goose-egg bumps on the head than i care to talk about. but i do pride myself in the fact that neither kid fell from the 30 foot drop from bedroom to bottom floor.

my youngest son had to have stiches at age 1 because he fell and gouged himself on the corner of our bed, just centimeters from his eye. thus the oh-so attractive styrofoam blocks that we have had screwed into the bed corners for the past 3 years.

still reeling right now from the pulled tooth and root canal my 7 year old just had, DESPITE all the tooth brushing. i blame myself.

oh wait, i just remembered another good one, and also the real deal one which i think i must have been blocking. you know those little dessicant packets you find with shoes and other things that are supposed to stay dry? well, when my first son was about 2 he found some and ate a bunch. turns out they won't kill your kid, but you only learn that after the fingers down his throat and the freak out call to poison control.

but the worst EVER EVER was when my 3 year old almost choked on a christmas candy. those hard peppermint ones. don't EVER let your kids have them. we were out christmas caroling with a bunch of people and suddenly he started tugging on my arm and not walking. i was like, come on! then someone said 'oh my god, he's choking' and i looked back and he wasn't making any sounds, just gagging, a little bent over. so the countdown starts in my head (do other parents get that? the countdown of time when your child goes missin or has a trauma? i do, i start a mental clock on time before i call the police or 911, not sure if it's just me) anyway, i proceeded directly to heimlich with a calmness that came from i don't know where, and after a few tries it came flying out like a cannon shot along with a gunk of spit. poor guy was so shaken and had a sore throat. but after a little water and after i confiscated the peppermints and threw them in the trash, we just kept on caroling, which seems weird, but also somehow felt like the right thing to do.

Is a babysitter that does laundry and babysitter or a nanny? Just curious because my babysitter has NEVER done laundry.

Chris- She's a babysitter but has serious ADD and has to be doing something at all times. So she does our laundry. I mean, she mixes dark colors and whites together so that everything's pink, but at least it smells good.

Here's one that happened just a few weeks ago - I don't know if my words will do the visual image justice.

I took my 4 year-old to soccer practice and took our two week-old with us for one of his first times out. After practice, the team had a picnic, and I since I had a baby in a car-seat carrier, I sat off to one side and placed the carrier on the table.

Well, apparently I sat too close to the end of the picnic bench, which promptly tipped up, planting me on the floor and collapsing one side of the table legs. My son's carrier slid perfectly down the table and onto the smooth concrete floor, where it turned about three circles before coming to a stop. As the eyes of dozens of parents and kids were on the two of us, he let out one scream of being startled, then went back to gurgling and cooing like that was the coolest thing he had ever experienced. I, on the other hand, had a coronary.

This past winter when my b/g twins were about 2 months old, I was preparing to nurse them at the same time so I had Erica on the bed to the left, and Cameron in my arms. The drill with nursing twins is that you have to back up and sit yourself between them, place your enormous sloped twin nursing pillow on your lap, and then reach for each one at a time. Well, just as I was backing down between them Erica rolled to the middle and I sat on her. Just for a split second, I thought "what the hell is that? (4 year old daughter's) Teddy bear or something?" and then I jumped up... she was FINE but I felt like such a shit because, albeit sleep deprived and in the dark, I had sort of forgot she was even there! Recently (they're almost one now) I had to pin the ankle of one securely under my arm while I changed the other on the floor because I knew the baby gate at the stairs wasn't latched and he'd be off like a shot if I let go. Cam was squirming and grunting to release his leg from my arm pit and his sister doing flips and rolls reaching for him while I'm attempting to fasten her diaper tabs. Twins are awesome.