Ian’s little sister Michelle here. I could certainly continue the rant begun by my brother Sean & continued by my mom, particularly since my current life’s work is making the arts- the LIVE arts- more accessible to my community. But there is something else weighing on my brain this cloudy, grey Sunday afternoon here in northern California and I'm gonna write about it instead.
Walking back from yoga class this morning, I was thinking about a conversation that Sean, a mutual friend & I had about four years ago in a bar in Soho after a recording session. This mutual friend was a former lover of mine and the three of us were talking about the current pickle I’d gotten myself into. I was nuts about a man who was not available, and feeling guilty about my feelings. We were debating the whole thing: is it ever right, or at least, not wrong, to encourage someone who is in the wrong relationship to get out, by any means necessary? How bad does a situation need to be to merit half-truths? I can tell you that Sean and I were of the same opinion, on one side of the argument (regardless if it meant my own heartbreak), but our friend said, without a moment’s hesitation, “Well, it’s amazing how happiness can assuage any guilt.” This friend was just this short of proud that he’d been untrue to his first fiancée, and that his infidelity led to his now extremely happy marriage.
I don’t know that I can ever think like that. I also learned, early on, the powerful damage that a good solid lie will cause. I lied about something when I was fourteen years old and the ripple effect of that lie lasted for years. Never again did I lie- not in that particular realm, anyway- and my honesty when it comes to relationships, to lovers, to my intentions with any given man may be almost too brutal. But it’s the path I choose, and it lets me sleep at night. Or, rather, it’s not what keeps me up.
But here is what does keep me up: what is my capacity for change? What is other peoples’ capacity for change? I find myself thinking that maybe I don't have to beat myself up for the transgressions in my reasonably distant past, but sometimes I have a hard time giving that same leniency to others. And that’s not very fair, is it? I did so many stupid things in my twenties- largely harmful only to myself, but still- and, well, goodness knows that I’ve also done stupid things in my thirties, and in between forgiving myself and then beating myself up, I get lost. And I have to remind myself that if I can change, if I can do better, so can others.
Here’s the rub: the comment our friend made at dinner that night was the exact same sort of comment that would have come out of his mouth ten years earlier. Unapologetic, simple, with a complete disregard of any pain or suffering that might have come out of his actions. Which leads me to wonder: are most people like that? Are most people uninterested in questioning their own behavior, in exploring their darker selves, in becoming, if not “better” people, people with a deeper self-awareness? Do most people really just come home from work, pet the dog, kiss the kids, or turn on the computer, and not give the last decade or so of their lives any thought? Or do most people cringe when they are randomly reminded of something stupid they did twelve years ago?
I suppose it’s somewhere in between. I don’t think we should walk around punishing ourselves for bad things we did, or for that matter, constantly congratulating ourselves for the good things we did. I do think we should always be striving to learn more, to do more, and to be more self-aware. But if we don’t take responsibility and at least attempt to do better “next time”, then what’s the point?
I’m thinking about all of this because I’m going through a re-negotiation with myself, trying to figure out what it might look like for me to actually let a life partner into my world someday. I’ve grown tired of distractions and placeholders and I’m taking a hard look as to why it is so difficult for me to give a man- any man- a real chance. I know it is a combination of things, but part of it is learning that I am trustworthy, and so must some others be as well.
But it frightens me not a little that there are many, many people in this world ready to justify any action- anything from punching their girlfriend to going to war- without caring about the outcome or the repercussions. And once you have suffered betrayal of any scope, it is extremely difficult to learn to trust again. Maybe it’s liberating to say what my friend said- maybe it’s so much nicer to stick one’s head in the sand and say, “It doesn’t matter what it took to get here, now that I’m here.” But I think that is dangerous, and it’s not the world I want to live in.
So I’m searching for that balance: taking responsibility for what I’ve done, good and bad, and trying to re-learn some lessons where I got the short stick the first time around. I know there’s not much I can do about folks who aren’t interested in self-awareness, but there’s got to be some point in all of our lives when it creeps in. I’m a lot less angry at myself than I used to be. And that sort of relief feels a lot better than desperately struggling to keep the skeletons in the closet.
Basically, your friend was advocating the Machavellian maxim - the ends justify the means. And that's baloney. In the absence of some magical being telling you exactly what's right and wrong (or the bible of course), the yardstick you can use is - did I get here by doing the right things? If not, then sooner or later, it might fall apart and you will have to live with the guilt. Okay, your friend is happy now, but usually infidelity does not work out quite that neatly. Of course, there are shades of gray - we all tell white lies about certain things to get through life - but we also have to treat others as we want to be treated ourselves. That means, don't be unfaithful to someone who loves you.
As for the other topic you broached - why you are not in a relationship - you are no different from thousands of other bright, interesting women, and it's not necessarily your fault that you are alone. But talking about why so many bright, single women are alone could probably be another post.
As for this:
"Are most people uninterested in questioning their own behavior, in exploring their darker selves, in becoming, if not “better” people, people with a deeper self-awareness?"
Oh God, I ask that question all the time. Especially in my dating experiences. Because unfortunately, I meet many people (largely men) who seem pretty self-satisfied, and that really bothers me. There were two men I dated who - whenever I expressed self-doubt or insecurity, or even made a self-deprecating joke, told me that my insecurity was "fucked up." Yet, with all the people in the world who can be cruel, I think a little insecurity is about the least of the problems someone can have. I can't date someone who thinks he is god's gift to the earth and never questions himself. Insecurity is useful in becoming a better person and not taking anyone else's friendship for granted. I think more of us could stand to think about how to improve ourselves.
Sorry to ramble.
I just skimmed your post because I am at work but wanted to say that I wholeheartedly agree with the commenter. It's ok and healthy to express self-doubt, there are people who will think it isn't, but there are people who will think it is. It's not your fault you are not in a relationship but part of a larger issue, and there are people you could be in a relationship with who would appreciate you, and appreciate your questioning. You just have to find them...
This is an excellent post from someone who has the capacity to demonstrate personal growth and maturity. We've done things in our past that make us cringe, because now "we know better." I bet, if you havent said it out loud, you've thought it: "If only I knew then what I know now."
As for your friend, an ability to disregard the well being of others and to focus merely on personal gratification, as a consistent habit, sounds both sociopathic and narcissistic. How can you trust someone like that to endure the hard times with you?
Karma is your friend, continue to treat her well.
Yet, with all the people in the world who can be cruel, I think a little insecurity is about the least of the problems someone can have. I can't date someone who thinks he is god's gift to the earth and never questions himself. Insecurity is useful in becoming a better person and not taking anyone else's friendship for granted.
amen to that. and the amazing thing about sharing insecurities with someone you love (or *want* to love, think you really could love, etc) is that it can actually make the two of you much stronger, as individuals and as a couple.
i think pretty much everyone has insecurities. some people just do a better (well, "better") job of shutting them down and filing them away. but much like infidelities, at some point they'll catch up with you.
Great topic!
Michelle, I think the very fact that you are asking these questions means that you are getting ready to forgive whatever things you may regret in your life -- and maybe to forgive others. However, I usually make a huge distinction between the willfully unenlightened/unrepentant and those who reflect on their behavior and analyze it within a moral framework. We may all be deserving of forgiveness, but to me, some self-awareness and shame and desire to do the Golden Rule thang is a critical part of that transaction.
The former boyfriend with no regrets whatsoever is, IMO, narcissistic ("I'm happy now, so what's the big deal?") and probably not on an arc of emotional growth. Maybe he will engage in that process later in his life.
I am personally so regretful, not to mention embarrassed, about many things I did in my 20s and early 30s that recently I did the unthinkable: shredded my diaries from that time period. I could write well, yeah; but *what* I was writing about seemed so blindly selfish and puerile, I am glad I (or my heirs!) won't ever have to read it again... regardless how pearly my prose. I don't deny that I did foolish and selfish things to myself and others, that I probably hurt people ranging from my parents and brother to my boyfriends and other friends. All of that self-centered behavior has contributed to Who I Am... on the threshold of my 55th (cripes!) birthday.
Because I believe in a God who forgives when we ask, I tend to live that way as well. I regret, and then I try to forgive myself - and those who have "trespassed against me." (I have a harder time forgiving the narcissistic folks who ne regret rien.)
"...a former lover of mine"
On exactly how many levels is it wrong for me to smile at the thought that, just for a change, Ian is the one cringing at his blog?
"Well, it’s amazing how happiness can assuage any guilt."
But whose happiness? Sure, he's happy, but how does the former fiancée feel about it? Is he only concerned with his own happiness?
Could he have exited the previous relationship and entered into the current happy one without infidelity? If so, why didn't he take that route? I'm certainly not a fan of staying in relationships that are just not working, but there are honest, productive ways to leave them and there are destructive ones.
I don't think that all, or even most people are this Machavellian, but I am alarmed by those who are, because if they can rationalize this situation, what else can they rationalize?
Steph- exactly. If this is okay, what else is okay in that person's world? That manner of thinking just terrifies me.
Michelle:
I am a cringer too. I often rehash in my mind stupid things I have done or said and think that I am a total idiot. Hopefully the rest of the world doesn't think that about me, but I don't know.Your thoughts also made me think of my Mother, a woman who has spent her life not thinking about the repercussions of her actions, and when reminded of the action, she is completely unapologetic. She really never thinks that she is wrong, and is COMPLETELY incapable of saying she is sorry. It's always someone else's fault. I cannot change her, or make her acknowledge the error of her ways and that drives me crazy and really affects our relationship. Fortunately, we live 3000 miles apart!