xtcian

I definitely agree on starting fairly early with music in general. Though the 4 years of violin and 4 of drums (All State Tympani! I think maybe 3 people even tried out) translated into zero playing in later years, they solidified my foundation for lovin' all kinds of music. And I can play Axel F on the xylophone.

We've got our 3 year old on a soccer team...but it isn't incredibly productive when he wanders off the field half the game or climbs the goal.

As for tantrums, there are plenty of grown men to take your place. Our Stepford neighborhood fields a few teams for the city's tennis league. I usually take my son on Sat. mornings to watch my husband. Love the displays by many of the players. Yelling choice words and phrases, throwing and pounding raquets. Dude, this ain't Wimbledon.

Well as a counterpoint to your recommendation I feel I need to remind folks that the Academy of Pediatrics actually came out with a recent statement saying that kids are involved in too many scheduled activities (ie organized sports, lessons, etc) at a young age and they need more spontaneous playtime. I believe you too have made the point that kids don't play like kids anymore. I was thrilled to see this "official" statement because I see so much of this here in Chapel Hill. We moved to our current neighborhood because it was teeming with children. We wanted more spontaneous play outside for our kids and that's definitely happened, but there are some kids in our neighborhood who at age 4 and 5 have some activity to go to almost every single day after school and I know that they are really missing out by not becoming involved in the culdesac parades, hide and seek and chalk drawing that is almost always happening outside. Kids benefit by making up rules, negotiating with each other, creating their own play. That's not to say that sports aren't good but I think three times a week soccer for 3 year olds (which actually happens here) is kind of sick. I can say this with experience because in a sad state of "keeping up with the Jones" we did this with our kid and it was miserable for all involved. We watched as she went in search of the snacks, picked clover, and ran around the field oblivious and tried to decide how forceful to be about "making" her get involved in an organized activity (at age 3!). We skipped a year and tried again this year and again, it failed. I know every kid is different but it left me wondering if pushing our kids into sports (especially with the "competitiveness" involved) doesn't sometimes create the temper tantrums and poor sportsmanship that you describe so well.
We have a very competitive friend in Cary who is actually very angry and upset that his five year old's soccer team isn't winning every game and that he can't play the "good" kids more than the others. He made the point that his son doesn't really care who wins and he can't understand that. I couldn't help thinking that his kid would be just as happy with an impromptu game of kick ball in the backyard. Remember those?

I think tennis is a valuable skill to learn mostly because of the longevity of the it. My father who has had two knee replacements, triple bypass and turned 78 last summer plays three times a week. I loved it when my six year old asked me, "Who is better, Grandpa Frank or Federer?"

Frederick, my six year old had his first tennis lesson last Wednesday. His group consisted of another five year old and a four year old. When I picked him up (the teacher said it was better if I didn't stay and watch and I listened), the four year old was outside of the court, sitting on the grass pouting.

Neva's point is well taken. (Soccer has just ended for us, so this tennis lesson is his only after school activity right now, at least until basketball starts in January!) Kids are overbooked these days. I think the thing to do is take your cues from the kids. If they aren't excited about going, don't force it. Maybe this four year old I described above is too young and not ready for tennis lessons just yet.

Emma's right. It's about knowing and listening to your own kid. I think that's why I had to react so strongly - your statement "start your kid early on anything YOU want them to do" hit me as forceful. What about what THEY want to do?
My husband is a soccer fanatic. He would like nothing more than for our child to be the next Mia Hamm but even he can see that forcing her isn't useful (it helps that he's a child psychiatrist) and probably harmful. I do imagine he'll keep trying though. Even he says that he probably could've "been a contender" had he started with soccer a little earlier. But, that just shows you - are we trying to get our kids to be who we weren't or are we helping them to be the best they can be?

First of all, you don't ever need to apologize to me for your tennis tantrums. I don't play basketball, so I don't see the worst of them, but the tennis ones were actually pretty funny.

I think the very worst way to look at your tantrums is to see them in the light of your impatience. You may never shoot better than, say, 95 on a par 72, and as you get older, you're just gonna be a worse and worse basketball player. It would be great if you could take my father-in-law's advice and "live for the great shots" a little more.

Of course, my father-in-law is insane... but I've really enjoyed that one piece of advice.

The golf tantrums are the only ones that are hard to be around, because golf is such a beautiful and peaceful game. Tennis is aggressive, and basketball can be downright bloody, so scream your head off if you want. I just wish that golf could be totally peaceful.

Golf clubs have a longer reach than a racquet.

You know, this tantrum business is ripe for psychoanalysis. I wish I had a license. Maybe the cure is to let yourself rail on your every mistake and not only during games--spread it out. You just have a narrow release valve, maybe. Or give yourself an extra point or two against your dad for every time you boil over, seeing it's liable to be his fault. If you believed your dad loves you'd lose and have a great time doing it.

I agree with Sean that your tennis explosions were actually really funny. How many calm tennis matches have I forgotten? And yet, how could any of us ever forget your red-faced rage as you hurled your racket into the chain link fence and spewed a string of expletives that would make a sailor blush? Now that's what i call entertainment! Seriously, recalling it makes me smile.

Some observations about tennis tantrums:

1. Throwing an aluminum Prince Pro racquet into a fence that has a windjacket is not very satisfying, as the windjacket serves as a gentle down pillow and severely "cushions" the blow.

2. A Wilson Sting racquet, thrown side-armed with the cover on, will sail like a Wham-O frisbee on a clear and windy day and can get precariously close to the parking lot--enough so to make your sphincter tighten up at the thought of having to replace a windshield.

2a. Running after said Wilson Sting waving your arms and saying, "No, No, No" neither slows a well thrown racket nor controls its direction.

3. A Prince Precision Equippe racquet, when launched at a downward angle, will snap the graphite frame, yet maintain the basic structure of the racquet, such that it is possible to complete the rest of an ALTA tennis match with a broken racquet and the shame of the tangible reminder of said hissy fit.

4. Prince Pro racquet, when hammered onto the asphalt repeatedly, snap in half and will not be much use to anyone during a match. But, the intermittent clanging and reverberations offer much more satisfaction than the cushiony wind jackets mentioned above.

5. Prince Precision Equippes, in 1999 dollars, are more expensive to replace than one might first think and, having been deprived of said Precision Equippe, I've found it's even more frustrating to revert back to an old and dusty Wilson Sting. Which, in 1999, was about as heavy as a 2x4 and as anachronistic as a wooden racquet.

6. Taking one's many tennis frustrations out on an overhead smash and, when deserved, aiming said smash at an opponent's nutsack is far more enjoyable and economically sound than throwing raquets.

Ian,

The time you kicked the basketball to the water tower at the Lodge was one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

Hey, Neva, does your husband know a fellow named Vincent Maginn? He's also a child psychiatrist in Chapel Hill, and he's my uncle.

My dad tried to keep the horse "fever" from me knowing as a former equestrain himself, how expensive/demanding/dangerous it is. I had my first pony ride at 3 and I was a goner. I credit my dad with never competing with me over horses and for not getting in the way of my trainer. I know as a trainer myself, I will have a hard time letting someone else teach Ben if he wants to ride. I don't want to push him into riding, but I would love to share my passion with him and I think that was what Ian meant about starting them early. If I don't offer riding to him, how will he know if he likes it? Some days he wants to ride(at 2 that means sitting in front of mommy with a helmet on) and other days he just wants to run around the arena on foot. I just love having him at the barn. If riding sticks great, but if not that just means one nicer horse for me instead of a pony for him!
I see lots of the kids I teach running from riding to swimming to choir to dance and I do think they get over-extended. Also, how can you fully develop in one sport if you do so many others? My mom was great in letting me sign up for different activities to see if I was interested. The only thing that stuck was riding and cheerleading. Those two sports actually make a great combination for a riding instructor. I'm loud as hell, energetic and not afraid to make a fool of myself to keep my kids focused. The downside is while I'm good at riding, I can't swing a racket, a club or play an instrument. I can however control a 1500 pound horse and jump him over a 3 foot fence. Yeehaw.

Eric, I will ask him tonite. I imagine he would know him. After working with teenagers at UNC for several years Dave moved on to Dix to work in forensic psych last year. One can only stand teenagers for so long I think!
SLS - I do think it's a good idea to expose your child to a lot of things so they can figure out what they like. My daughter will be six soon and we have tried gymnastics, ballet and soccer. So far none have been huge hits and I feel like we wasted a lot of time and money but I guess that's part of the deal. Sometimes I think we could've waited a few years until she really expressed the interest herself more fully. We've come to realize that what she really loves is riding her bike in a circle over and over outside and that's just fine too.

Hey Neva. Try riding! It's basically going in a circle over and over again with a bit more excitement thrown in. Cheers!

Ah, I'll never forget the tennis tantrums. Who needed movies or TV when I could have flying rackets and expletives beyond compare?

Remember the time we were playing one court over from my rugby teamate Patrick ("Kiwi" Paddy)?

"Say 'vagina' -- it'll make you feel better."

I mean, you *had* said just about everything else...

Watching you break a racket would have been entertaining, but your more youthful tantrums were, to quote Lord Buckley, like Vesuvius reaching for Pompeii.

Temper is a weird thing. Last night I said "Jesus Fucking Christ!" because the zone valves on our boiler were stuck open, such that the temperature in the house was 80+ degrees. Melissa said "I knew you were in a bad mood." When to my mind I was in a good enough mood, until confronted with an uncomfortable and no doubt expensive malfunction of our house. Once I'd cursed our house by taking Jebus' name in vain, and figured out how to close all the zone valves, I was fine.

Melissa thought I was in bad mood for cursing out an inanimate object. I'd contend that cursing out the offending inanimate object was the way to maintain a good mood.

right now i have 2 kids who are extremely social and get along pretty well in groups, so even though eventually i'm sure they will do team sports and love it, right now it's a low priority for me. if they were shy or didn't relate well, i'd crank that one up a lot higher on the list.

but as far as real instruction and lessons, i'm more interested in what they can gain from individual-focused activity, trying to build up more personal discipline and positive habits, and also just to kind of demonstrate what it's like to really commit to reach a long term goal.

my 7 year old is in martial arts, and i like that one because it has the different belts to mark his personal development. and the place where he takes his class is actually self-defense and non-violence focused, which i like a lot (a great place, i posted the link).

my rule is that after he makes it up a level, he can try a new sport. he gave hockey a shot for a minute when he was 6, but even though he had the skills, all he wanted to do was scrimmage and he hated going through the drills. same with tennis, and believe me it was tragic because we gave him a racket when he was like 4 or 5 and he came out with a nice backhand right from the start. but it was clear to us even though he had talent there was no real dedication to stick to it.

my youngest one is in a couple of dance classes, one modern dance and one hip-hop dance, and he also does gymnastics in the summer, and i like those for the same reasons - it really stresses inward focus on personal growth and development and builds that sense of accomplishment.

We're off to Palm Springs on Thursday for the long weekend. Maybe I'll give your Dad a call to say hello!

In general, I agree with you about starting your kids early. However, it is frightening how many people are obsessed with the athletic abilities of their children.

My 7 year old played baseball for the first time last spring. He was the only child on the team who had never played before. Some of the boys were playing for their 4th season! People thought we were insane for waiting until our child expressed an interest in the sport, rather than pushing him at 3 or 4 to do it. I just don't understand that logic.

Now Ethan takes tennis lessons so that he can play with my husband. I love the fact that he is mainly interested so that he and his Dad can do something special together. He'll never be a star, but if he can play with his Dad for the next 30 or 40 years, it will make all of us happy.

Greg: how do you know all that? You don't seem like the temper tantrum type!

Pitch racquets, break golf clubs, kick basketballs into water towers--all of that's fine. I just remember one particular road rage incident that made me afraid to talk to you for a year.

Well, I'm all about making an impression.