January 15, 2007
fairly goshparents
1/15/07
Neva asked a good question about godparents, and specifically how we see Lucy's godparents given that we don't adhere to any specific religion (and my own relationship with any Church is, to be mild, somewhat fraught). I suppose the answer lies in the same reason we go to Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve; we like to pick and choose what part of the ritual and canon we have for our own lives.
For me, I just like the sound of "godfather" and "godmother," especially since I didn't have either. I liked the idea of being a teenager and getting to steal a weekend away with "my cool godmother," so we set about to make sure Lucy had those options in spades.
Being magnanimous completists, that meant we wanted about 40 godparents for Lucy. If you think you might have been one of them, I guarantee you were. We managed to whittle it down to four, from all vastly different walks of life. Straight man, straight woman, gay man, gay woman, all with distinctly different philosophies. None of them had kids of their own when Lucy was born (although, that has suddenly changed, excitedly!) and we've known them all for a combined fifty years.
I've never said who they were (and still won't, although I gave one away already) because I felt it might be taken as a slight to other old friends. The truth is, Lucy is a big character and will probably make you her godparent eventually anyway. Her extended family of uncles and aunts is formidable - besides, we've been tossing around the idea of perhaps one day having more kids, and obviously we'll need more godparents.
But as for the role specifically, we just wanted someone who could show them the world reflected in a slightly different prism. This I know: one godparent is married to a priest and will give her the best birthday presents for fifty years. Another will take her on her first whirlwind jaunt through the East Village. Another, with her lovely wife, will teach her how to surf - and the fourth will send her postcards from the Seychelles, the Maldives, and Madison, New Jersey. If that isn't spiritual guidance, then I don't know what is.
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I think godparents are a wonderful institution. My dearest childhood friend (we've been close for almost thirty years), who married a Swiss man, asked me to be the godmother of her daughter. The Swiss practice godparenting in much the same way as you and Tessa, Ian--it's nonreligious and, as my friend described it to me, a unique opportunity to be close to a little one and make her feel special in as many ways as I can. Sort of like a big sister or a fun aunt. I just love it. It makes me feel special, too.
The more interesting question is the person or people you choose to raise your child if something happens to you and Tessa. The choice for godparents for our little one (my college roommate and my wife's sister) PALED in comparison to the deliberating we did over who would get him when we die.
My best friend recently asked me to be the godmother of her newborn son, even though I was raised a UU and now never ever go to church. So I asked her exactly what her expectations were...and she said "just be nice to him and treat him like he's special to you" which, of course, he is. I was honored. But for my own daughter, we have not and will not have godparents, as the "not going to church" part makes me feel a bit hypocritical to pick and choose among the various rituals. The second commentor posed an interesting question about legal guardians. Many people believe that the godparents are also and automatically legal gaurdians of the child, but this is absolutlely not the case. My parents would take her were anything to happen to me,and my sister would then assume full custody if and when something happened to them, or if they were not able to care for her. I had a will made when she was a year old. Sounds depressing, but it felt great.
Greg has raised a very true point about legal guardians. And it sounds as if he and ls have dealt with and addressed this issue in a very good way. The best advice I can give to people making this decision is 1) go ahead and resign yourself to the fact that no one will be as good as parents to your children that you are and 2) put your wishes down in writing. It is so easy to put off, but your survivors will be so glad that you made the decision instead of them having to.
I struggle with this thought and vascillate every time I think of guardians. Health, religion, location, family values are all issues that make this decision hard. Consider yourself lucky if the perfect candidate it easily chosen.
As a godparent of our dear friends' son, I was honored to be chosen for the role, although the ceremonial stuff was a bit silly. And while we are the son's godparents (along with his uncle), we're not the daughter's godparents (a role spread evenly through other family members). In fact, our godson still holds us at arm's length sometimes, not that I really mind. I'm still going to treat him like he's my special godson, even if he still gets scared of me from time to time for no reason.
As neither of us are religious, we instead chose our good friends Dave and Christin to be Beck's "water kin." We spend so much time with them surfing, boating, swimming and playing around their beach house that it just seemed like an ideal "nom de pere et mere." Besides, what could be cooler than being called "aquadad?"
As for the godparent that will teach Lucy to surf, you've obviously never seen her surf. However, I'd be willing to provide lessons for you all on your next visit to WB. Aloha!
when we picked godparents for our kids we based it on the idea that the godparents were going to be a different kind of parent-proxies, not guardians. so it was not so much about where our kids would live and how they would be legally supported if we died, but instead it was focused on who could best tell them and show them who their parents were, what were all about, and what we would have wanted for them, and who would also step up to add their own unique guidance to the child's life since we don't plan on leaving the planet anytime soon.
and we are non-religious too, so what we did was have a welcoming ceremony on each child's 1st birthday where we designated the godparents.
the ceremony was a big gathering before the party, where all the close friends and family wrote down their words of wisdom or special comments and hopes for the child, the godparents read them aloud to the group and to the child, and then we sealed the letters up in a box.
we're planning to open up the boxes when they have their coming of age ceremony.
Zach, I dunno, the pictures are pretty cool. But you're on for surf lessons, and that includes me.
I was honored to be chosen to be one of Lucy's Godparents, and even though I don't get to see her as much as I like, I think she's the greatest little kid ever.Plus, she started making fun of Ian before she was 2. I didn't get to do that until I was 18.
Thanks for answering my question Ian. It seems like a nice tradition that I should've taken part in - guess it's never too late. I suppose some people choose their own godparents later on by establishing relationships with other "aunts" etc. but it would be nice to encourage the ones you'd like to develop from the start. Anyway, once again, it seems Lucy is a lucky little girl, especially if Annie teaches her to hoop like that!