xtcian

lower shoulders, tighten adductors

3-8-07

You know I like to endorse products that truly work for me, like those outrageously expensive boxer briefs I touted last year, along with my usual hosannas for Afrin, Excedrin, Celexa and Mother's Little Helper. Well, I've given it seven months, and I'm here to tellsya that the Super Slow Workout kicks all sorts of ass.

I know it sounds like a fad, or a reason to stop eating yellow food, or Oprah's "secret" or something like that, but a good friend had just been certified, so Tessa and I decided to try it out. The sell? It's half an hour, once a week. And research shows that it does as much, or more, than working out 3-4 times. If you're the sort that needs cardio, then you can run once (or play hoops) at some other point during the week, but seriously, the base requirement is thirty minutes of your time.

One drawback is that it can be a little expensive, but the price gets you a personal trainer catering to your specific issues, and it costs less than a gym membership where you occasionally catch horrifying glimpses of fat white guys' testicles. SS uses special weight machines that are specially calibrated, and instead of doing intense reps, you go verrrrrrrryyyyyyy SSSSLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW.

The trainer coaches you through every move, and after thirty minutes on 6-7 different machines, you are done - the aftermath is palpable, intense, and satisfying. One of the best things is its asceticism: there is no music, no distractions, and usually, no other people around at all. I've never been one for privacy and seclusion, but I swear it makes it almost soul-divining.

But whatever. I can tell you this: neither Tessa nor I was going to go to a gym three times a week. But we could certainly do a half an hour. In the interim, I have lost two pants sizes and gone down a shirt size. My left knee, which had been hurting for two years, suddenly felt fine. My neck has stopped being a bloated mass, and is now just vaguely annoying.

Back in the early '90s, the Sex Police and Dillon Fence guys had a name for "doing things differently" or a "stylish shortcut en route to your goal". They called it "Hobex style," as in "let's go to Durham via Erwin Road hobex style" or "Chip took it to the rack hobex style". Greg, of course, named his second band after it.

Most Americans spend a lot of time looking for their quick fix, a magic pill that will shave precious corners on the way to everything they always wanted. Most of the time, it ends in fizzled epiphanies and margarine. Super Slow, at least for me, is the hobex style, an unexpected, less arduous alternative that accidentally happened to fix my body. Not bad for a lark.