8/5/07
Got into a few interesting debates over the weekend on the laws of romantic attraction and long-term retention. It has always been my belief that "opposites attract" is the biggest dollop of burning horseshit ever fed to a desperate public looking for love; it's one of those clichés like "cold water boils faster" that is so untrue as to be nearly painful.
First off, it completely mixes up the notions of something being "opposite" and something being "complementary". For instance, Tessa is great with schedules and is amazingly organized, and I am not - but I do provide a constant tailwind in the direction we want to be going, and I like to think I keep her from doing things she doesn't actually want to do. This is a complementary relationship (albeit one that puts more burden on her), but a dumb reductivist would say "Tessa is proactive and Ian is lazy - wow, opposites attract!"
Secondly, there is no evidence I've ever seen, at least in my own four decades of anecdotal observation, that reverse polarity functions as anything but a massive pain in the ass. Big-time partiers who marry agoraphobes, "old-fashioned values" men who marry independent and strong women, the fundamentally angry marrying the fundamentally defensive... one word describes them all, and that word is "divorce."
I am left with very few theories on romance, and awfully few illusions; like John Malkovich said in "Dangerous Liaisons," I lost them in my travels. But one element has stuck with me: when I met someone who was preternaturally similar to my own spirit, I felt "love," and it was totally different than what I was sold by decades of novels, TV shows and cliché. It lacked the 4am stomach churn of the aching yearn, and it was such fabulous relief.
Besides the obvious tyranny of physical attractiveness, what trait do you find most instantly attractive in someone, and is there another trait your partner possesses (or would possess) that could keep you with them forever?
Wow, this blog entry could not be more timely for me. My husband and I are in the process of separating after twelve years of marriage. So I can say, after many, many sessions of that "4 am stomach churn of the aching yearn" (so aptly put), that what I most desire in a partner is sympathy of spirit. You can sense it on first meeting someone; it doesn't even have to be a romantic encounter, it can be platonic, but there's a certain chemistry that catapults you into an arena of understanding where you don't have to squint so much to see each other clearly.
So to answer your question in one word: intelligence. But to refine it: an intelligence that inspires and informs and follows one's own.
Beth -- I am sorry to hear about your separation. This is my 13th year of marriage, and it can be a long haul, no? So many of the couples that married around the same time as me are in the process of divorcing. . . it makes me wonder what it is about the 10-13 year mark that bring things to an end.
Ian, after 13 years of marriage, I have absolutely no illusions about romance. And, I know for a fact that the qualities that you find so endearing about a partner in the beginning can, through the years, become a total source of irritation.
Romantic attraction is the easy part; long-term retention is still a mystery to me.
I've been married 27 years - not all good, but never bad enough to call it quits - and the thing that does it for me is the same thing that does it for Jessica Rabbit: he makes me laugh.
I'm with Bozoette: The guy must have a sensa yuma. And intelligence.
He must enjoy and respect children and animals.
Looking like a hunk doesn't hurt (my man did, and still does IMO), but over the long haul, intelligence, wit - including being able to laugh at oneself, compassion, and loyalty are the biggies.
We've been married 32 years. Not a walk in the park by any means, but definitely worth the work.
There should be some things in common, and also some things in opposition. I look for warmth first. The guys who are all bluster just never attracted me; the thoughtful, warm ones did.
I agree with Ian that when I met someone who was of a similar spirit, I was extremely happy. It warmed my soul.
What my fiance and I don't have in common are a few little things - he cares a lot about sports, I don't; I've had to drag him to a few musicals. But we have the big things in common: Caring about other people, caring about current affairs (and the sorry state of the white house); caring enough about each other to take an interest in each other's different interests and learn from each other. I've actually come to really enjoy baseball!
I learn something new from him every day.
As a writer I am full of unrealistic romantic notions, but I leave them with my characters and enjoy the real romance I am lucky to have found.
I've been thinking about this a lot lately too as I just attended my Dad's wedding yesterday. My parents divorced back in the 90s after 32 years of (unhappy) marriage. It is wonderful to see him happy and in love now. I think my parents were victims of marrying much too young before they had any idea what their own values and dreams were so how could they choose a good mate?
What makes a good match? I'm not sure but I know that when I met my husband I just "knew" right away it was right. I can't completely explain it but it was something about the combination of humility, listening skills, and a truly caring spirit that made me feel at home with him in a way that I never felt before. It wasn't work to be together. I always felt (and still do) a sense of being fully respected and appreciated by him. I wasn't nervous or scared or worried and that was new for me in relationships. It was good though that I had those past relationships to really know what didn't feel right or I might have made the same mistake as my parents.
Our 10 year anniversary is coming up and yes, it is work sometimes now - primarily because of outside stressors, kids and work of course being the biggies, but the sense that "we are in this together and better for it because we have each other" is everywhere.
I'm sure some of you have read Blink and Gladwell's discussion of the studies about how some researchers can predict couples' futures based on listening to a 15 minute discussion between them. An attitude of contempt and criticism was a big predictor of relationship failure. That brings me back to respect and appreciation again (along with a little bit of humility and ability to self sacrifice at times). If you are truly able to make your partner's dreams, wishes, feelings and thoughts as high a priority as yours then you're set. I don't think this happens though unless your values aren't similar and the mutual respect isn't huge.
As Lyle Lovett once said, "Liking the same things isn't nearly as important to a relationship as disliking the same things."
There's a lot of truth to that.
instant attraction:
passion.
doesn't have to be passion for art, could be a passion for technology or history or something else.
trait that would keep me with the person forever:ability to make me forget about the "forever" part. kind of like making time stop when we are together.
i think every day i wake up and choose the same person over and over again until forever just happens.
smarts
humor
confidence
compassion
"Chemistry that catapults you into an arena of understanding where you don't have to squint so much to see each other clearly", Beth hit the nail on the head. You can share a thousand dreams and without this chemistry a relationship is like bumper cars blindfolded. Not to be an ass kisser, but I decided a while back that Ian and Tessa had that chemistry after I witnessed a couple of times when each of them called the other to carpet over some irritating behavior in a way that clearly conveyed their affection and understanding while clearly conveying that it was pissing them off. When you truly see your partner and love what you see, healthy communication takes the place of resentment, hostility, or passive aggresive retaliation. Of course that rule doesn't apply if one of you is just an asshole.
I can't be with someone who's not a smartass, for sure. The purely sincere and earnest people of the world are all wonderful, but like your angry/defensive couple, we would just tear each other up. And of course I need somebody smart and kind, but those seem like givens.
I guess the thing that most sparks me is when a woman understands that she certainly isn't perfect, but still has the courage to trust her convictions. A mix of humility and independence, perhaps.
Beth, I am so, so sorry you're going through that.
Thank you, Ian. It does suck. But I'm hopeful that something better will be on the other end of it (one has to hope).
You're talking like this is online shopping and the credit card payment never comes due. Where's Stephen Stills when you really need him?
At this point in my life, I'd settle for money. Of course, there ARE limits to what I'd settle for in the age and looks and brains departments... I do have SOME pride.