August 4, 2008

telephone call for mr. horrible


Yikes – if you want to get anything done in the next hour, don't click on the Plasticopedia: The Plastic Surgery Encyclopedia, and certainly don't go through their list of celebrities. O grotesque new world That has such people in't!

One thing's for sure: plastic surgery is like gummi worms. Once you start, there's little chance of stopping. It is also something of an equalizer; if you think you're far too plain to ever be a movie star, don't worry, because almost every movie star you know has very few of their original parts. Like They Might Be Giants sang, everybody wants prosthetic foreheads on their real heads.

Today's CODE WORD: if you had to get cosmetic surgery, what would you get? Feel free to post anonymously...

Posted by Ian Williams at August 4, 2008 11:28 PM
Posted by: Salem's Little Sister at August 5, 2008 5:02 AM

I don't know if "muffin top removal" is an option, but I'd do that tomorrow. No amount of running seems to do the trick and I'm just not willing to eat twigs and berries. I'd also go for a nose job.

Posted by: HKK at August 5, 2008 5:03 AM

We've both had it already! It's called Lasik.

Posted by: kent at August 5, 2008 5:08 AM

I can't imagine getting cosmetic surgery at all. I have been around elderly people all my life who I've always thought were perfectly attractive. What makes someone attractive to me is their personality and soul; I have friends who are obese, and friends whose features offend against the received societal standards of beauty, but their personalities shine through those 'impairments.'

Conversely I see a lot of 'pretty' people who look vacant, or sour, or malevolent.

Maybe it's because I'm no fashion plate myself, but I really truly don't care that much about beauty. I'm not immune to it, and I can appreciate it, but it is so fleeting as to be a trivial consideration in evaluating people.

And it saddens me when actors or actresses overdo it. Jessica Lange in particular is looking pretty creepy these days. Which is weird because Sam Shephard looks really craggy and tired -- and awesome. I guess he sees past the Botox and permanent look of surprise.

Posted by: emma at August 5, 2008 5:14 AM

No contest - breast reduction.

Posted by: Bozoette Mary at August 5, 2008 5:35 AM

Already had Lasik (great!). I'd get my belly and thigh fat sucked out.

Posted by: elizabeth s. at August 5, 2008 5:48 AM

Its a tie....breast lift(3 kids) or nose job (got my dads manly man nose).

Posted by: Anne at August 5, 2008 5:53 AM

Emma: DO IT! Now. I wish I hadn't waited so long for my BR, four years ago. (Insurance covered mine because I had back problems.) It has a near 100% satisfaction rate. Get your doc to say the weight is causing shoulder/back issues for you, and insurance may help you out.

While I'm not interested in face lifts per se, a little work on the droopiness above my eyelids and below my chin would be great. Oh, and a total-body liposuction. ha ha ha

Posted by: Susan at August 5, 2008 6:05 AM

The only thing I would consider is Lasik. I am a big chicken though when it comes to someone messing with my eyes. I have never heard of anyone having anything but positive things to say about it. I would love to ditch the contacts...

Posted by: jill at August 5, 2008 6:09 AM

I also had a breast reduction - 13 yrs ago. Don't regret it for a second. Like Anne, mine was covered by insurance. I've never spoken with anyone who has had the surgery and regrets it.

Posted by: kent at August 5, 2008 6:13 AM

Breast reduction seems a more practical and honest thing to do than breast enhancement. Ditto for lifts -- no shame in fighting gravity any way you can.

Implants bother me though -- apologies in advance to anyone who has done this, naturally, it's your body -- the idea that one's self image hinges on the size of one's breasts feels a little sad to me. It feels like one is embracing one's own objectification. Women fight constantly to get men to see past their appearance, to be treated as intellectual equals. Implants draw attention from your eyes, and what your mouth is saying.

Natural breasts of any size are such wonderful things, it seems a shame to turn them into stretched coverings for physiological inanimate lumps. And of course, once someone goes hands-on the allure is gone.

Posted by: Lee at August 5, 2008 7:03 AM

I had LASIK and it was great for me but not so for my sis-in-law. When they sliced her cornea to peel it back, it actually came off! Then they had to stitch it back on and couldn't do the surgery and had some vision issues for a while. BUT that was like, 10 years ago and I think they are better at it now.

But is LASIK even considered cosmetic?? I didn't do it for cosmetic reasons. I just hated not being able to see when I woke up in the morning, in the middle of the night, out in the ocean or a pool...

And I'd def get a BR!!

Posted by: Anon at August 5, 2008 7:54 AM

"I've never spoken with anyone who has had the [breast reduction] surgery and regrets it."

Ever speak to their husbands?

I had 4 crowns put in to close a gap in my front teeth. That counts as cosmetic, I guess.

Posted by: noj at August 5, 2008 8:13 AM

i'd have my nose slightly narrowed. just slightly.

Posted by: Caroline at August 5, 2008 8:43 AM

When I am older I might get a neck tuck or whatever you call it. My 65 year old mother has not one wrinkle but she has a a baggy neck that gives away her age. If she just got it fixed she'd look about 50. I keep trying to get her to do it but she wont. If I get a neck like hers and I look as good as she does - I am SO getting one.

Posted by: Caroline at August 5, 2008 9:21 AM

Is it bad that I want to see pictures of Jenna Jameson's va-jj surgery? I'm fascinated.

Posted by: Anne at August 5, 2008 9:47 AM

Anon said, perhaps predictably:
"I've never spoken with anyone who has had the [breast reduction] surgery and regrets it."

Ever speak to their husbands?

Ha ha ha. Poor men. Wifey should suffer back strain, headaches, etc., while hauling huge boulders around so hubby can get off. Our lady bits are definitely only provided for men's gratification. Wait, what? They're for feeding babies? How radical.

Not to mention that my current size D's are just fine with my husband, thank you. Yes, I was much MUCH bigger than that before surgery. Ouch.

Posted by: Anon at August 5, 2008 10:05 AM

Maybe your doc can do something with that sense of humor Anne.

Lighten up, Francis.

Posted by: anon v.2 at August 5, 2008 10:26 AM

I had to reduce my penis size. I am now down to a more manageable 12 inches - no more dizziness and blackouts. I am also a much faster swimmer.

Posted by: Gina at August 5, 2008 10:41 AM

I had laser hair removal on my chin, and would do legs and pits if I had the cash!

(Also, love the shout out to TMBG. My son and I saw them at a Disney Block Party concert last week. It was awesome, and they even sang some of their "grown-up" songs. And gave out foam fingers! It doesn't get much better than sharing a rock concert with your 6-year-old.)

Posted by: Dean at August 5, 2008 11:22 AM

I had LASIK and am SOOOO glad. It has been about 5 years and I have no complications.

I also had my entire face lasered. I was tired of ingrown hairs and I was also tired of my heavy stubble. I now shave every day, but could really get by shaving about every other day if needed. Plus, my stubble is much less coarse and leads to no very few ingrown hairs.

Oh, yeah, I also had 2 ribs removed so I'd maintain my thin figure.

Posted by: Ian at August 5, 2008 12:09 PM

Really, Dean? I had two ribs removed for quite a different reason.

Posted by: dean at August 5, 2008 1:18 PM

Yes. Before I had the ribs removed, I found it harder and harder to maintain my weekend job as a Cher impersonator. You must understand that the 5 days that I spend practicing law simply left me feeling unfulfilled. The extra girth helped me nail Patti LaBelle and also Judy Garland, but my Cher suffered. After the ribs were removed, I was back to my 1970's Cher revival.

Posted by: Neva at August 5, 2008 3:32 PM

Considering I think I may have broken my nose the other night walking into a door to go to the bathroom (it was pitch black and I thought the door was shut) I think I'm really in need of that nose job now. It's been over a week and it still hurts and is bruised.
I already broke it once as a kid. And, no, it doesn't give me character..

Posted by: Anne at August 6, 2008 4:26 AM

Anon: Tell you what. I'll give you some of my sarcasm quotient and you can send some of that brilliant sense of humor my way. That should make us roughly even.

Posted by: anon v.2 at August 6, 2008 5:44 AM

Take a joke Annie baby

Posted by: A non-butthead kind of anonymous at August 6, 2008 6:34 AM

Nose job for me, please. Ever since I broke it during my freshman year of college, my face has been unsymmetrical. People say that they can't even tell, but I've had trouble attracting guys ever since then, and I didn't have any trouble before that. When I was 13 or 14, I totally would have picked out a whole new nose, but I think now I would just like to have my old nose, but straight.

Of course, after reading the description of a nose job in V by Thomas Pynchon, I don't think I could ever go through with it.

Posted by: wottop at August 6, 2008 6:35 AM

If they could permanently remove body hair without the extreme pain [it's not for some, but I'm not that lucky] I'd be all over it.

I don't need to be smooth and shiny, but hairy shoulders just ain't attractive at any age.

Posted by: caveman at August 6, 2008 6:56 AM

sure would nice to have wind blowing through my bangs again, anyone ever seen a good hair transplant?

Posted by: T.J. at August 6, 2008 11:04 AM

"Like They Might Be Giants sang, everybody wants prosthetic foreheads on their real heads."

Speaking of Stuff White People Like...

Posted by: jersey at August 7, 2008 5:25 AM

I'd like to have the endless Brett Farve coverage over the past two weeks removed from my memory. Sadly, I think it's like an inoperable tumor. And it's only going to get worse now here in the NYC area. Oy. For the record, I have had not one but two nose jobs. Along with Jessica Simpson's sister and the chick from Dirty Dancing, I'm very happy with the results - and highly reccommed to those considering it.

Posted by: T.J. at August 7, 2008 11:10 AM

Aagh! Pet peeve alert! jersey, learn it now since he'll be around for a while longer: It's "Favre," not "Farve." Has been for his entire career. And while we're at it, it's Mark McGWire (not McGuire) and Cal RipkEn (not Ripkin). Not that anybody talks about either of them much anymore.

Posted by: jersey at August 11, 2008 5:06 AM

Sorry, T.J. - as a die-hard football fan, a fantasy football addict/geek, and a degenerate gambler, I'm shocked by that typo. My bad.

Posted by: Lindsay at August 11, 2008 2:40 PM

Boob job. And, speaking of Bret Farve, I'd like Antwan Jameson added to my calves.

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