xtcian

Nothing good comes from the following opening salvos either:

"Bless her heart . . ." [now I'm going to tell you why she's such a frickin idiot.]

"I see your point . . ." [I don't see your point. I was never really listening to see your point, but I'm about to tell you mine.]

"Well, you can just ..." [research and write and vet that article and put it on the Web in an hour]

"That's one way of looking at it..." [you moron]

"You might be right . . ." [you are likely wrong]
My husband drives me crazy with this. I AM right, god damn it.

"I never thought I'd write one of these letters, until one night..."

oops, I guess my contribution doesn't really "end badly." The bad part is just implied.

Just wanted to let you know that when I heard the news about the Iraqi reporter throwing his shoes at President Bush, you were the first person I thought of! As in, "I wonder if Ian will write about that!"

Sorry to hear about your sinus problem. I ended up at the doctor's yesterday. . . Nasonex and Claritin did not fix my prob.

My husband always says "I have good news and bad news. What do you want to hear first?" I hate that!

"a lobotomized ass-monkey with no moral compass"

Thank you for that phrase.

The one my wife always gets mad at me for is "The thing you need to realize is..."

And people really need to learn what 'literally' and 'virtually' mean. They're such useful words, used correctly.

Isn't the "literally" gripe pedantry? C'mon.

First cousin to Number 1 on your list:
"No offense, but [I'm getting ready to say something offensive and since I qualified it by the phrase at the beginning, it is ok.]

Other fairly MEANingless/ful transitional phrases include:

1. Not for nothing, but......(something)....
I hear this one alot in New York and Long Island.

2. ..........., but i'm just kidding (not).
I've heard this one my whole life, largely from lovely southern gals who are seldom, if ever 'just kidding'.

3. Now I'm just playin' the devil's advocate, but...

4. I'm not trying to be mean, but....

"Can I ask you a question?" usually means "Can I say something that's probably insulting and personal without it bothering you at all?"

Lordy, Kent. Your wife is right. That ruffled my feathers, and it didn't even have an ending! :)

My sister-in-law uses one that drives me batty: "I guess I'm not making myself clear...". Yes, you are, I just don't agree with you. Grrrr.

My husband hates this one from me:

"I have a great idea!"

"Someone says 'Can I be honest with you?' Never trust that person."

- from Steve Carell on the Tonight Show awhile back

"Correct me if I'm wrong..." [Shut-up, I'm not wrong]

"Maybe some other time..." [I'm never doing that]

"You won't believe what I just read on this site..." [You're about to be Rick-rolled]

"Actually..." [what follows is not actual]

"We'll see" or "maybe later". Unfortunately, my 6 year old has finally figured out that they both mean "No way". Not sure if it's sad or lucky, but some of the adults I work with haven't figured that out.

Oops -- just read the original post again and realized mine aren't sentences.

But I do have the start of one that my husband uses constantly (and it drives me crazy). "You're going to love this..." [not nearly as much as you do!]

"Frankly speaking,..."

As soon as someone starts a sentence with "frankly," I know I am about to get lied to.

The awesome one from "Orgazmo" is
"I don't wanna sound queer or nothin but..."

Great running gag in that movie. It has a cousin, the 'no homo' suffix. As in "'Mandy' is my favorite Barry Manilow song NO HOMO."

And to my gay brothers and sisters, I hope you know I in no way mean these in a pejorative way towards homosexuals.

Per your e-mail....[you know, the one that made me look like sh*t, I must now verbally num chuk you]

"I don't mean to interrupt ..."

TOO LATE. You did, ALREADY.

It's not about the money but...[ it's all about the money].

My wife's annoying ones are:

"Here's a thought . . ." [dumbass, instead of bathing the kids and then feeding them pasta with red sauce, how about using a bib with dinner and THEN bathing them].

"Honestly . . ." [which makes me always think, 'no, just lie to me'].

"As you will recall . . ." [dumbass, I already told you this ten times--why don't you listen to me?]

and finally

"Hey dumbass . . . "

HAHA, what a great way to come back to your blog after many many months away. Aside from the Duke comment...I still love my Blue Devils.

Oh, wow. This blog was just WAITING for me. I have been in a thick rage LIT ER AL LY from the moment I woke up this morning. Which reminds me of some *choice* phrases occasionally served up by someone very close to me:

"I don't know if you're on your period or what, but...[you must be on your period because you are acting like such a big crazy bitch]" {Editorial note to boyfriends of girls/women: Do not not NOT say this or anything similar EVER for any reason. Plus, you are a fucking dumbass because the rage happens BEFORE the period. BEFORE. Remember it, Asshole}

"I hate to tell you this, but...[I'm so obviously RELISHING reflecting some shitty, unevolved part of your personality back to you]"

"One big difference between you and me is... [you are an unevolved fuckup and I'm not]"

There is nothing I like to hear more than "bless her heart,..." from my friends because I know I'm about to hear something deliciously catty. LOL!

I'm awful, I know...

OT
I love the title!!
I read it and the first thing i thought was
what's your function
I loved I'm just a Bill too.

To Lucy with the spelling of Mommy I suggest
The Coffee Song by Ralph's World. Great song.
She will be able to spell coffee too.

"With all due respect..." [Apparently, no respect is due, because I have absolutely none for you, and I'm about to tell you why.]

"Would you be offended if..." [I do something completely inconsiderate that would offend most sentient beings, like bring the only person who ever broke your heart as my plus-one to your 40th birthday party?]

Another classic heard today:

"So what you're saying is,..." [Rather than thoughtfully consider what you just said, let me spin it back in such a way that completely misses the point but does make you sound like an a**hole.]

This is the number one CJ going 'round the office...

"I'm sorry for the late notice, but"...(but I'm not really that sorry to ask you oh and by the way I was just too lazy/stupid/forgetful/irresponsible etc. to ask earlier, and finally I need it right now, wait I needed it 5 minutes ago).

"I have a random question" ...[that is highly unlikely]

"That is so random" .... [I have no idea what random means]

"Awesome" .... [I doubt it, very few things are, in fact, awesome]

Is it obvious I teach statistics?

My wife hates when people say, "Does that make sense?"

She thinks it implies, "I'm being quite clear, but since you're stupid - do you understand or not?"
Especially when what they said is really quite clear or obvious.

I don't have a problem with it, because I think most people just use it for affirmation - they don't really think they confused you, but they want affirmation that you're still listening. It's just another way of saying, "Know what I mean?"

Plus, some people don't always make sense except in their own head, and I'm usually glad for the chance to point out when this is the case...

Now maybe this is politically incorrect, but...[yes, I'm hardly ever correct about anything even vaguely political].