March 2, 2009
i ain't no fool for love songs
3/2/09
My brother Sean has been doing some very wonderful writing lately, and I wanted to share his latest entry here:
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You have to be very, very careful when you're constructing the narrative of your life. I mentioned something about this in my last post, but I think there's a lot more to it than just unintentional lies and misremembered circumstances. We need for the truth to match a path, our lives need to be somewhat linear (regardless of how often we see they aren't) and where the dates and arcs don't line up, we inadvertently add details and buttresses to give the whole thing meaning.
I got in touch with an old girl friend of mine named Erin. We never dated, we were far too close for that sort of thing, but we were like brother and sister. I sang at her wedding just before she transfered schools and went to the far side of the US, and soon after, we lost touch.
Her voice was singular and amazing, and her sense of humor was unparalleled. At least, for me. She was scrappy and vulgar at times, and she spent about two months homeless during the time that I knew her, although she always had a place to crash because of our network of friends. Erin made me laugh so goddam hard, all the time. She was shameless, she would make fun of me as quickly as she made fun of herself.
She was a peerless mimic. In a way, her vocal talent was off the charts because she could just decided to sound like someone, and then she sounded *exactly* like that person... and when you translate that into performance it's really stunning. I remember her doing Patti Lupone in Evita, and it was scary it was so good, and then later, we were drinking beer and she sang "Still Crazy After All These Years", and you would SWEAR it was Paul Simon. She was that good.
She had a pretty good appetite for dating, and she was the perfect combination of funny and funny looking to get most of the guys she was interested in. I was always wing-man, honestly, setting her up and letting her knock them down. And most of the time, she'd end up crashing at my place, sleeping on the floor next to my bunk bed while we criticized the partners du jour.
So, naturally, she showed up on Facebook. I jumped out of my skin, I was so excited. I've been in touch with a lot of people, and I've gotten a lot of joy out of it - the happiness WAY outweighs the mild discomfort I've had with some of the reconnections, but this woman was so dear to me, and I loved her so much, that I just freaked out.
Of course, I friended her, and of course I wrote to her. Gushing, a little, I guess, but not in any way that could be misinterpreted. I just wanted to let her know how much she had meant to me, and how much it would mean to me to be in touch with her again.
I got a response and... See, this is what is bound to happen. I can mock it all I want, but nobody remembers the past the way you do. On top of that, we're not all in the same big forgiveness boat. We don't all look at what we did when we were nineteen and laugh it off as the mistakes a child makes.
She tells me her story in two quick paragraphs. Fantastic college opportunity squandered because of a little too much pot and a move back to Los Angeles with her husband and kids. Then, a move from LA to Pheonix because of a sense of cultural discomfort... and the finding of religion.
What can I do? This woman will never be friends with me again because she sees the time we spent together as inhuman, non-divine. My vulgarity will never be funny to her, any time I spend with her from now on, even on-line, will be spent with a wall up between us. She looks back on the time she was friends with me and is appalled. She feels nothing but shame - her words, exactly.
She said she always thought I was "clever" and that it would be cool to maybe be in a band with me. Then.
Ugh.
I'm not mad at her at all, and I don't think I'm better than her or have more insight or anything. It's just heartbreaking. She's found Jesus, and that's pretty much it for me. I don't know Jesus, I never will, and that is a wall that will always separate us. I had thought about writing back instantly, telling her that I had so much regret about that time that I lay awake some nights...
But I didn't. I probably won't. My regret isn't about living outside the grace of God, I live utterly without God's love right now and it isn't a problem for me. My regret is how I treated people, how I behaved with people. The GOOD parts of that time for me were the times I spent with my friends laughing and loving and, sure, smoking pot. The times I regret are the times I was dismissive and superior, as if I knew something that I couldn't possibly know.
Ahhch. I don't know.
It's so sad. I've thought about this person for at least fifteen years, I've thought about her once a month, wondered where she was, even tried to find her to cast her in a show I was doing a few years ago. I know now, she would have turned me down anyway, and she would have been uncomfortable with the show, with New York... with spending time with me.
I still love her deeply, this old friend. I know we were a kind of kindred spirits, curled up in my shit-ass apartment, counting our toothbrushes as one of our ten assets. I know that we deal with our own regrets in our own way, and she's certainly found a better way than I did, I'm pretty sure she sleeps just fine at night. But it's a painful and sad end to a friendship, and I wish she could have just remained a mystery.
***
me and Sean, Frankfort, KY, Nov '08
Sean - this IS excellent writing! I need to read your blog more often, and not just for the Barnaby photos!
I am convinced that Facebook is the end of civilization as we know it! Guess what I did over the weekend while my husband and daughter were on a ski trip. . . I had time to kill and I joined Facebook. Mainly so that I could see recent photos of my nephew in Chicago. Being a voyeur, I could not stop at baby photos, though. Within 24 hours I opened a huge can of family worms. You see, my father has a brother with whom he has not spoken since 1986. Right before the estrangement, my uncle and aunt had a daughter. Over the past 20 some years, I have wondered about this cousin. What is she doing? What does she look like? What is her life like? Well, I found her and we have been IMing.
On one hand, I am happy to have found a cousin with whom I might build a relationship. On the other hand, I wonder if I should have let sleeping dogs lie. Time will tell!
You know, our kids will grow up always having had Facebook, so they just won't have the suspicion we do of it.
By the way, anyone here should feel free to Facebook-friend me (click the link to my website above to get my last name.)
Great writing, Sean! I'm sorry that your FB encounter didn't turn out like you hoped. I've recently connected with an old boyfriend on FB, and I'm so glad that I did. This was the love of my life from the ages of 15-21. He was also one of my best friends and that's what hurt the most when our relationship ended abruptly. We haven't talked in about 18 yrs. I was shocked when I received a friend request from him, but of course accepted him right away and sent him a message. He remembers everything the way I do, and it's been beyond cathartic for us both to talk again. I was worried that it would be too weird for me and that we couldn't be friends, but we can and I'm so glad.
I have always said that it is so much better to re-connect with an old flame at a grocery store in a snowstorm than on facebook.
caveman--you and dan fogelburg.
This moved me deeply. Sean's experience raises all sorts of questions about memory, change, and connections with other human beings.
And Sean... This story as it stands is a lot more interesting (albeit not as pleasant for you) than if you and she had reconnected and found you still had exactly that old compatibility, and you picked up right where you left off. Poignancy and loss are far more compelling narrative devices IMO than simple happy endings, and in this case they have prompted you to look inward and see both the past and the present in a new way.
I really enjoyed the writing as well. The fb encounter that you described did make me kind of sad though, b/c it just doesn't seem right. I am a religious person, but totally not a judgmental type or prostelitizing (SP?) type. But here goes - The Jesus I know doesn't think she should fell shame for her past years, but forgives people. The Jesus I know wouldn't build a wall between two old friends b/c one believes one thing while the other believes something else. Whose to say my way is right? I don't have any guarantees - it is just what I believe and I believe everyone else is free to believe what makes them feel good and right. I can't tell who actually is putting up the wall here, but it seems to me that the wall is unnessary.
Many of the people that I love most in the world have very different religious beliefs than I do, but I respect those beliefs and in no way is it a source of controversy between us.
CM - our kids always having FB in their lives is a frightening thought!!! I friended some of my younger family friends/cousins, and now part of me wishes that I had not. They are all in their 20s, and I swear. . . that generation has no filter! They all act as though they are starring in The Real World! I am learning about all sort of sordid stuff . . . hook-ups, late nights, substance usage. All I can think is "what would my aunts/uncles think of this?? What about Nan-Nan and Pop-Pop?"
Yeah, I know. . . I am 40 and probably way outside of the intended demographic of Facebook, but there is something very strange about these 20-somethings. It is as if none of them think of consequences, privacy, or discretion. The kids in high school are worse. Doesn't anyone have the sense to be embarrassed anymore???
Damn, I'm sorry that happened.
I got into Facebook in October or so, and have had pretty good luck with it so far. A lot of the Republican high school students I used to lock horns with way back when have become liberal Democrats for Obama in the meantime...and anyone who maybe stopped liking me over the years simply ignored my friend request. Probably better that way.
Christianity is a zombie-making disease. I'm sorry it claimed one of the good ones.
I agree with emma. As one of the "Christians" I was saddened by the friend's response. You can still find humor and enjoyment in your past. It was what you were. You lived by what you knew at that time. God doesn't condemn you for it. Legalism, guilt, and shame be damned, people. It goes against why Jesus came. Good post.
Oh boy. I can completely empathize with you Sean. I had a situation happen last month that made me feel exactly the same way. I’m going to share, because I think it will be cathartic for me.
My family spent almost 10 years of my childhood in Cape Girardeau, Missouri. We lived across the street from a family that had a boy my age and one 2 years younger. Aside from playing with them in the woods almost every day, we went camping with them often, and after we moved away, our families met every summer to camp and hang out. My parents still get together with the parents of that family every summer. The parents have gone to all 4 of the weddings for the 4 kids. They are like family, and we’ve known them for 33 years.
I joined Facebook in January. These boys, David and Steve, were some of the first 25 people I looked up on Facebook. I couldn’t find them, and I was disappointed, because I think of them as long lost cousins that I haven’t seen since I was 18.
My husband and I went to Beaver Creek to ski with our kids the last week in January. As I was signing Henry into the 4 year old ski school on Monday, I stopped dead and stared at the man behind me. I was completely shocked, and I know it showed on my face. He looked at me, and looked away. He looked again, and I said, “Are you Steve?” He said yes, and I told him I was Rebecca Smith. He acted thrilled to see me! The whole family, parents, the 2 kids and their wives, the 2 grandkids, were there for the week!! I was literally shaking as we exchanged cell phone numbers and promised to get together. I felt I had won the lottery – what are the odds of running into the ONE family I have known my whole life! 1 in 100 million?
So long story short…they basically blew me off. And I was devastated. I cried like I haven’t cried since my first boyfriend broke my heart in college. I’m about to cry now just typing this.
I still can’t understand it. My Mom talked to the Mother, (they have each other’s cell phone numbers!) and they were excited to see my family. But then they actually weren’t willing to go out of their way to do it. I offered to meet them anywhere, anytime that week, with or without my family, but they declined.
Fortunately, I did run into David (the son my age) at a lodge, and we did sit down and talk for 30 minutes. His wife was lovely and my oldest child was with me, so they did meet Ethan. David said that he had wanted to get together with us, but because they didn’t have a car, they felt they couldn’t work it out. (Ummm… bus service? Cab?)
My rosy, childhood memories of this family have been completely tarnished. And I wish it had never happened. Now my parents are wondering about the state of their friendship with these people. I know my parents would have moved mountains to see these kids if it had been them, so it really broke my heart to realize they don’t feel the same way about us.
Anon, so did the boyfriend explain why he broke up with you?
Rebecca - it may have been that they were hiding something. Maybe they are ashamed of something about their family or maybe (for all you know) he had a longtime crush on you and is afraid of rekindling it. Don't take it too personally.
Hi Rebecca. What an awful experience.
Now I am fretting about my cousin whom I have contacted. As far as I know, both of her parents have been estranged from each of their families since she was a baby, and I have learned recently that my uncle and aunt have divorced. She is 25, and she essentially grew up without any extended family. No relatives at holidays, graduations, major events. Her parents were her family, and now they don't speak to each other. I imagine that it was a very lonely way to grow up.
So. . . here I go, like an idiot, and drop out of the blue sky and announce that I am family. I know NOTHING about her. I still can't believe I found her -- out of the HUNDREDS of people with the same name, she lived in New England and the tiny photo of her next to her name had a family resemblance. .. so I took a chance and emailed her. All of our email correspondence has been light, but I feel as though I can't let this girl down. I can't just contact her out of curiosity and then disappear, you know?
I have looked at her FB wall, and she is lovely. She is young and smart and has a boyfriend who lives in DC. Should I extend an invitation for her to visit on her next trip to see him? Should I just leave her alone? I am mad that the family estrangement robbed us of the chance to know each other, and I am afraid that I will be careless with this new connection. In all truth, I am so busy with work and life that I don't have time to keep in touch with local friends/family. Ugh. I am also putting pressure on my brother to "friend" her . . . without being sensitive to his feelings or thoughts on the matter.
I am like a bull in the FB china shop! Damn that Facebook!
P.S.: I only have 20 friends at this date. Imagine the havoc I can create with 100+!
This is a beautiful tribute to a friendship that you valued in the formative years of your life, and which shaped the person you have become. It's so sensitive and personal; I feel like I peeked into your diary.
(This pretty much confirms my suspicion that your tirade of a guest appearance here a few years back was an exercise in stirring the pot...I feel so used~~~)
Too bad that Erin's connection to Jesus is mutually exclusive of a reconnection with you; It's unclear, however, which one of you decided this.
DAMN! EXACTLY! that so sucks.
you can't save people, you can't unbrainwash them, you can't change the way things are now and go back to how it used to be and you can't go back in time and change the paths that were chosen. you've got to just live in the moment.
and i don't think it's facebook that's the problem, it's just aging that's the problem. growing up can really change people. i think it's the flipside of being young and being excited that there are infitite possibilities ahead vs. looking backward and realizing there truly WERE infinite possibilities, and a lot of people wound up a few galaxies away from you.
Thanks for your kind words about the writing. I feel like I've gotten better about not getting completely lost the way I used to, and certainly reading Ian's blog has helped me figure out the best ways to express myself.
I have to say, my only pause in letting Ian cross-post this was that I just *knew* people were gonna tell me that this person's Christianity wasn't really Christian. I understand that you think this, and there's certainly plenty of biblical quotations that would back you up, but it just isn't true.
It's a lot like those who argue that Islam is a peaceful religion. That's fine, but that's not how it's being used, so the argument is basically useless. Christianity, right now, in our political climate, is not what you are arguing it is.
CM: I will readily admit that I can be overly exuberant in person, and I’m a hugger, so I might have scared Steve and his wife. Also, my Mother found out from his Mother that week that his son is autistic, which had never been disclosed before, so perhaps you are right about them being ashamed about something. If so, they’ll need to get over that! There’s no way in hell either of them ever had a crush on me.
My other problem that I should admit here is that I sometimes post on a blog and make it all about me. Sorry, again.
LFMD: Let your cousin lead. Sit back and let her decide if she wants to see you.
Sean: It baffles me when people hide behind their religion like that, and are ashamed of their past. Maybe she needs therapy rather than religion. But then again, don’t we all.
It's a lot like those who argue that Islam is a peaceful religion. That's fine, but that's not how it's being used, so the argument is basically useless. Christianity, right now, in our political climate, is not what you are arguing it is.
totally disagree, Sean. the corruption/hijacking etc etc of one's religion does not define it for other people. it's like saying that Republican values are defined only by George W Bush and not an old-school fiscally conservative, socially middle-ground person like, say, my father. I respect aspects of my father's (or, say, David Brooks's) political grounding and wish that their party would move back there. I reject the notion that someone like Karl Rove defines Republicans, and I certainly reject the notion that Evangelicals define Christianity.
I actually was the one to break up with him. I was ready for a relationship that provided more security and was "going somewhere". I basically was placing the ball in his court, but he never said a word that day...and we didn't talk for 18 years. Meanwhile, I met my future husband and love of my life. My old bf has had a few failed relationships and has never been married...he has said that he realizes now that he did love me, but was slow to develop emotionally...He said that he's sad sometimes that he wasn't ready to have that kind of relationship with me then, but he's glad that I'm happy. He also said that he thinks that I'm an incredible mother and that means more than anything.
Sean, thanks for sharing this sweet and melancholy story. You can't go home again, you can't revive this particular friendship in the way that it was -- it was bounded, specific to a time and place, you've both changed too much.
Your story resonated for me because I've been reconnecting with some old friends via facebook. It's mostly marvelous. So interesting to see what people who were at one time important to me have chosen to do with their one wild and precious life.
Caitlin