November 9, 2009
caution • stop • filling is hot • stop
11/9/09
Y'see, my wife spent part of her upbringing on the moors of Scotland, and when she was in the States, she was at boarding school, which left her with a disturbing deficiency in one crucial area: the woman has absolutely no idea about American fast food joints.
Occasionally, she'll be on the road by herself, and I'll get a call on the cell phone: she is starving and just passed one of those blue freeway signs that advertise the next exit's food options, and has no idea what to do. So I'm making this entry for her, a little Clip'n'Save™ piece she can cut out and tape to the dashboard just in case I'm not there to stop her from ordering a Whopper© at Wendy's®.
I'm going to give each fast food restaurant a rating (out of 100) that incorporates all the major factors: the selection, the rendered animal-fat by-products, and whether or not it makes you want to barf. I'm leaving out regional choices (i.e., don't you DARE go to Jack in the Box if there's a Carl's Jr. nearby), and restaurants where you have to get out of your car (sorry, pancakes at Cracker Barrel, although you are really yummy).
89 - McDonald's
As much as it pains me to say it, McDonald's is still the gold standard of fast food on America's highways, although it should be noted that the category itself implies a staggeringly low bar. It's still horrible stuff, but very consistent, and the bathrooms are your best bet. Fries have not changed since your childhood (nor, I suspect, the vat of oil each franchise uses) and remember, the Filet o' Fish is still on the menu. Props for continuing the Shamrock Shake tradition, and you can actually get a salad or grilled chicken (very rare on the road).
82 - Quizno's
A hidden gem, and not so common, these grilled sandwich places remind customers that Subway tastes like wet toilet paper. They have soups, and while they may lack for a fryer, their sandwiches occasionally veer into Awesome.
79 - Taco Bell
They have certainly tried every mathematical permutation of tortillas, beans, cheese, chicken and beef - but you can't deny their basic commitment to mediocrity. With enough Medium™ sauce, pretty much everything remains vaguely interesting, even if the aftermath - especially in a closed car - can be somewhat Vesuvial.
73 - Wendy's
There was a day when I would have put Wendy's atop this list - their burgers were sensational and the fries were McDonald's perfected. You can still get a baked potato or chili if you don't want to get fat. But the quality control of this place has plummeted since owner Dave Thomas wriggled free of his mortal coil. Serves him right for shooting those kids at Kent State, huh?*
71 - Chick-fil-A
I know I'm supposed to love this place, having come of age in the South and all, but that "Chick-fil-A" experience everyone always talks about? It happens only every five times you go. The rest of the time, it's a sad, small dry circle of undefined chicken on a large bun, with a tiny pickle added the way some folks add a veranda to their motor home. Plus, they're no friend to women, gays and progressives.
70 - Subway
Subway only gets this high up the list because you can actually eat on the road in a "healthy" manner - assuming you get the turkey on wheat bread, or something similarly uninspiring. Despite some clever new bread offerings and a plethora of condiments, it has always amazed me that Subway manages to make roast beef and lettuce taste exactly the same.
65 - KFC
65 - Pizza Hut
Both KFC and Pizza Hut are just fine when you sit down and eat at the restaurant - I mean, "just fine" as in "still total crap, but pleasurable in its own way" - and KFC especially knows what it's doing with the different "recipe" techniques. But translated to the road? HORRORSHOW. Fried chicken somehow manages to deconstruct at a cellular level once handed to you through a car window, and don't even get me started on those burnt hockey puck disaster ovals masquerading as "to go" Pizza Hut pizzas.
61 - Burger King
If you absolutely have to have a burger, and you haven't seen a McDonald's in an hour - which means you're driving on Mars' tiny moon Phobos in a lunar rover - you could stop at Burger King, but it better be an emergency. Maybe it's a druthers issue, but I find the flame-broil technique makes their hamburgers taste like coins.
57 - Del Taco
Oh god. If you thought the post-mortem hours following Taco Bell were rough, you really ought to experience Del Taco.
51 - Hardee's
I have been starving, and not stopped at Hardee's. I have been hoarse with thirst, and not stopped at Hardee's. I have been close to bladder bursting, and not stopped at Hardee's.
47 - Arby's
Alas, poor Arby's: so bad that Slate had to write about it. With disturbingly-uniform beef product shaved off what could only be the tongue of a galactic space monster, not even Horsey Sauce could make this experience less bleak. Arby's is the antithesis of capitalism: don't change with the marketplace, do one thing, and do it disastrously. I was going to score it 46, but to be that demoralizing takes a little chutzpah.
*probably didn't happen. I said PROBABLY.
Posted by Ian Williams at November 9, 2009 11:31 PMIan/Tessa-
Should your cross-country travels include a trip through the Upper Midwest/Chicago, three must-stop places need to be added to your list (with my ratings)
95 Culver's - Wisconsin based but now expanding to include Illinois and beyond. Sublimely juicy 'Butter burgers' which should ONLY be enjoyed with the most decadent of sides: cheese curds. Amazing frozen custard (different flavors everyday) for dessert.
97 Five Guys -(Originally from the Mid-Atlantic States) Amazing burgers and outstanding fries. Not much else on the menu but you don't need much else.
98 Portillos - Hot dogs, burgers, Italian Beef. Chicago standards done extrememly well. Great crinkle cut fries. If you're adventurous, try the 'Combo' an Italian Beef WITH a grilled Italian sausage, angioplasty not included.
You're welcome!
Reading this over breakfast (at home - no particle-board-hash-browns here) made me spit out coffee. As we would say at the office: multiple lolz.
This posting is just in time for our annual Thankgiving road trip to CT. However, I only let us stop at Chick-Fil-A on the road (unless there is a food emergency, then maybe McD's). I know where all them are on I-81 and when we have our last chance before we get too far north. I recommend the one in Harrisonburg, VA. I'd give CFA a 93 due to its kid-friendliness because it makes for such an easy driving break on a long trip when we do, in fact, want to get out of the car (does Quizno's or Subway have drive thrus? ). So, if you are Tessa are driving down here with Lucy, then here you go.
Why I love CFA:
1) Awesome Iced Tea - Half Sweet and Half Unsweet mix for me, and they have a register button for that.2) the Kids Meal
a)the nuggets are much better than McD's or BK, though I am overlooking the MSG they put in them.
b)the fruit in the kids meal is a mix of grapes, strawberries, and apples, vs. McD's apples that taste more like formaldehyde
c)the toy is that comes with it is more likely to be a book, a space shuttle part, "facts about the presidents" card, etc. Yeah, they could end up in the trash but...
d) If you don't like the toy, then you can trade it in for an ice cream cone. Now THAT is America.2) the dining area has a "hostess." the place might as well be Morton's for kids. Esp. if you are solo with the kids, she'll help carry your stuff and set up the table, high chair, etc. And, she'll get you drink refills.
3) plastic, placemats that tape onto your table. My youngest likes to spread out her food and now it doesn't have to be on the table.
4) The play area is usually, fairly clean...the only one I'd consider letting our kids on. And, they keep hand sanitizer packs at the door of it, so you can steal a few to keep in your car.
5) A person in a cow suit could show up at any moment. Well, that might not be a plus.
6) Have you not had one of their milkshakes?
7) The CFA chicken biscuit (I confess I order mine with on butter) is "to die for."
Concerning its corporate root in Christianity, I respect that. They are upfront about it. They close on Sundays, use profits to support causes that Ian's link lists,and play contemp. Christian music in the restaurant. They leave it up to you to decide if that trumps eating there. And if that is the case, best stay away from Cracker Barrel, too.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cracker_Barrel#Legal_actionsNow, if it is just me traveling alone, then I am on the hunt for a Panera, even if I have to get out of the car.
Actually I think McDonald's fries HAVE changed since our childhoods ... or at least since mine.
They used to be fried in lard, right? That's why they tasted so awesome. At some point in the last 20 years, they switched to vegetable oil.
We never did fast food in my family. This probably had something to do with the fact that my parents never drove us any place near a meal time. Might as well have lived in Scotland.
My husband had to offer me his own primer on various menus, and like you, he is curiously opinionated. Hates the BK, loves the Arby's, though. Likes McD's fries, burgers and shakes. Hates the Chik-fil-A (which I love). Unfortunately, he waxes poetic about these opinions in the car during our many road trips, so now our kids think they are entitled to an opinion too. The Joy.
We have made the mistake of stopping at Hardee’s recently, and here is what I can tell you about that: Hardees is now The Official Restaurant of the Gluttonous American Pig. One sandwich/burger there can actually feed a family of 6, or one really fat American redneck who subscribes to the “more is always better” philosophy. Just the thought of eating a meal in those grotesquely large portions makes me want to vomit.
In the south, Cracker Barrel is the best fix for highway hunger. Plus, you can get your fill of Andy Griffith/Honeymooners VHS tapes. And book exchange too!
Isn't Hardee's the same thing as Carl's Jr.? I thought they just called it different things in different states. But I've never been to a Hardee's either, so maybe they just look the same from the outside.
As for Del Taco, I've never heard it summed up quite so eloquently and accurately.
Lara - well, what do you know. I have never seen a Carl Jr's, but from the looks of their websites, they are the same, just different menus.
My rule has always been no fast food unless I'm on the road, until the advent of the Arby's Market Fresh Turkey Rueben.
Yes, Arby's.
I think I'd only eaten there once in my life. And then, on a road trip a couple of years ago, a friend turned me on to the Market Fresh Turkey Reuben. The extremes were mind-boggling. On one end of the spectrum, Arby's offered sheets of brown stuff they called roast beef covered in Easy Cheese and on the other, a delicious deli caliber sandwich. The nitrite laden Turkey Rueben quickly made my list of guilty pleasures and in no time, I rounded out the meal with curly fries and a Jamocha shake. All of that with a drive though. So, I was crestfallen the last time I drove through and learned the Turkey Reuben had been discontinued. In its place, I was offered the corned beef version, but I suspected that was an all too close relative of Arby's other "beef" and declined.
Note that the Slate article on Arby's was written by Daniel GROSS. Fitting, I'd say, for a fast-food review. :-b (Sorry, Dan, I couldn't help myself.)
Give me Chick-fil-a or death. We don't eat any other fast food unless it's a dire emergency. Scruggs nailed it above but this also sums how I feel about CFA -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NsJHqstPuNo
And it's pretty much a SAHP staple in these parts. You can have a great playdate at CFA.
And their Peppermint Chocolate Chip shake is back - woo!
Whenever I fly "home" my rental car/taxi drives itself to the nearest Bojangles. Cajun biscuit w cheese-let me stand next to your fire.
So here's what I like about Hardee's- you can have a big ass burger wrapped in a piece of lettuce. Nobody else seems to get the whole idea of "i can't eat wheat". Subway one time told me that they couldn't sell me a sandwich without the bread. I cried I was so hungry and losing my shit. Hardees also has a yummy milkshake- better than McD's.
I can't believe I'm talking about Hardees. Forgive me, I think i have swine flu.
OH! and in NC, Andy's rocks the house.
Hooray for Quizo's! (It's a Denver-based chain.)
Fast food places have different metrics if you don't eat meat, I think. For instance, Subway consistently offers the most veggie items you can pile on a sandwich - which makes them a great choice for me. For everyone else, it really comes down to how decent the fries are (and approximately how much beef lard you think you're ingesting) and whether or not you consider their definition of 'salad' accurate. For this reason, I kinda dig Arbys - they have curly fries and, the last time I was there, a pretty decent southwestern salad I could get without meat.
In a pinch, I'll take a Burger King veggie burger any day. (BTW, I think Taco Bell is superbarf, despite the widespread vegetarian love for it.)
But the king of fast food beverages will always be McDonalds. In fact, their fountain Coke is the BEST BEVERAGE IN THE WORLD.
Ian, I am entertained, yet disagree. I don't care for McDonald's. I love Five Guys. I like Chick Fil A a bunch, but I'll choose Bojangles any day. Taco Bell is worth it, if only for the sour cream cannon, but the new "Black Taco" seems like a bad idea. I like Burger King well enough. I had a Wendy's Baconator recently, and it got the job done.
Ian, for a pinko-commie leftist, I'm sorta amazed that you extoll the virtues of fast food, McDonald's in particular, since they have led the charge in destroying rainforests for beef and are connected with childhood (and adult) obesity in this country.
I mean, I eat fast food about three times a year, when traveling, so I'm part of the problem, too, but I think it is truly a dangerous and wicked industry both for our health and for the environment.
Love, your pinko-commie leftist sister
Back at UNC, I would drive to Durham for a Bojangles chicken biscuit and spicy fries.
Lately, we choose McDonald’s since we travel with our dog. They are quick and relatively consistent. Plus, they have always been reassuring about which products contain egg, so I can avoid killing my son.
I have to admit liking Arby's beef and cheddar. However, I tried feeding their roast beef to my kids once, and it was so dry and salty that they both cried.
Merely reading the words "Taco Bell" gives me indigestion.
Hardees = flies
Carl's Jr. and Hardee's are like Haagen-Dazs and Tidy Cat Kitty Litter: same parent company, but quite different on the palate.
that made me choke on my peanut butter
Since we have opened it up to the regional shout-out, you have got to include In-N-Out Burger! My CA native husband waxed so poetic about it, I thought...seriously? But their burgers are hands down THE BEST.
Insiders also know how to order. *Animal style* grills the meat in a mixture of grilled onions and mustard - deeelish. Lee - no bread? no problem - they call that *Protein style* and serve the burger between two lettuce leaves.
They also give you lapmats for drive through orders. Their fries aren't that great but their hand-dipped shakes MORE than make up for it.
Don't know their politics but they do fund a foundation to help neglected kids.
We have recently moved to MI where they have NO In-N-Out and NO Chic-Fil-A. Guess I'll go check out Culver's...
^ Those are good burgers, Walter.
I so agree with Ian here on Chick-Fil-A. When I hear people wax poetic on how great it is, I just cringe. No cheese on their chicken sandwich - that pickle that permeates all the bread and chicken and only allows you to taste pickle when what I want to taste is chicken sandwich.
As a conoisseur (but not a good speller) of french fries and potato chips, the waffle fries are nothing special.
Worst of all, last time I went thru the drive-thru and tried to order a diet coke, the response I get was, "We only serve caffeine free diet coke." Caffeine free diet coke, are you kidding me? What is the point?
Ken's 3 additions are excellent suggestions, though I think Al's Beef is better than Portillo's in Chicago. But that's me.
SO glad to see that caveman (and others) mentioned Bojangles. I take my brother there on the way home from the airport every time he flies back home.
David - everyone I know in CH and everyone I went to UNC with makes or made the trip to Durham for Bojangles on a regular basis. Friends and I have even taken a DATA bus from in front of the Student Union to get over there. It's that good.
Lee - YES! Andy's is excellent! So is Cook-Out. How are NC people not talking about Cook-Out?!
I can't really eat Arby's anymore. Long story short, a visit to an adult film set with my roommate really put me off their beef and cheddars.
In-n-Out Burgers are definitely the best, but their fries are terrible.
There's a new place in Astoria called "Petey's" and I got to be friends with the family that owns it (and several other places here) and we ordered the burgers. They taste exactly like In-n-Out, I couldn't believe it, I just about died. I talked to the owner and he said, "Yep. My wife is from San Diego..."
So, if you're in Queens, we've got a close copy of the old In-N-Out. Should you have the urge...
Sean
OK, so you have nothing but good to say about Quizno (and neither do I) while McDonalds is a mixed bag and you're embarrassed to rank it high....so why does Quizno get the lower score?
In my area, the best of the lardburger joints is Carl's Jr. I only go to McDonalds if I have a coupon.
Cheese on a CFA sandwich? Yikes. Make mine extra pickles - yumm... ;-) Lovelovelove that you can get CFA at Kenan and the Dean Dome (unless it's a Sunday game).
And politics aside, they generally have really lovely manners, saying things like "my pleasure" and offering to carry your tray to your table when you've got an armful of baby and preschooler.
If you wanna get really regional, you are missing out if you're in Charlotte and don't stop at Owen's Bagel & Deli for lunch. The owners are Miami of Ohio grads and based their shop off the shop they worked at during their college days. (They are also my baby's godparents and remarkably awesome people.)
Dude, I don't know where you got your information, but you better go back to the Information Store and ask for an upgrade. You're about 10 years out-of-date on Hardee's and Arby's both, to which some of the commenters have alluded. I've eaten at both Hardee's and Carl's Jr. within the last year, and trust me, they're pretty much identical. Menu, quality, everything. The Hardee's you describe is spot-on, but circa 1996. In the early aught's they threw away 90 percent of their bizarrely awful menu and focused almost solely on doing really great burgers. Far superior to almost anybody else on this list. Plus, their breakfasts have always been pretty good. And Arby's, for the last 5 or so years, now has this completely whack-a-doodle mix of their same ol' mystery meat, but side-by-side on the menu with good salads and tasty deli-style sandwiches. And ranking McDonald's over BK and Wendy's is certainly your prerogative and a matter of personal taste. But, ewww, gross. I am physically unable to eat at McDonald's (except for their breakfasts), for reasons best not described here.
The McDonald's ranks highest because of reliability, ubiquity and consistency of their delicious-yet-horrifying crap on America's freeways, which is the expressed grading curve of this particular study. Full disclosure: I would never eat at ANY of these places if I weren't in a car far from home.
Jon, I was at Hardee's (accidentally) on I-85 about 2 years ago, thus cementing my grade, but I will be happy to give it another go with ya, as long as you can take the wrath of my pinko sister.
I like CFA and I also like McD. I steer clear or Hardees and BK.
I am completely addicted to 5 Guys. I limit myself to 1 visit for lunch per month. I can honestly say that it makes me happy to see the page turn on my calendar. I am so gluttonously happy that my assistant can literally tell from my gait that it is my monthly 5 Guys day.
I have not felt this way about fast food since my days of Time Out Chicken. All ya'll can have your Top O The Hill, your Spankys, your Rathskellars. Just let me have my chicken & cheese at Time Out and I am a happy lad.
bojangles hard to beat!
I love Quizno's, but the one in my town went out of business. Boo. Also, I'll order a large veggie sub and it costs like nine bucks!!
Lee, you are right about Andy's in NC (and mostly eastern NC).
On chickfilet, just tell 'em chick no pic and you will fix what ails the chick filet sammich.
Hardees can be really good and they can be really bad.... seems the ones in the city do not measure up to the ones in the rural areas. Shakes are good too.
if 5-Guys only had chili.......
I have considered writing a guide book for good places to eat along America's interstates and including their idiocyncracies in the description.
Needs to be within a mile and 1/2 of Interstate
Needs to have good food with at least one super good option.
Needs to be able to serve and dine in a relatively short amount of time.
Clean bathrooms
Bonus points for proximity to gas station.Let's start with the Atlanta metro area.... okay.. what rocks near I 85,75,20 285?
"Let's start with the Atlanta metro area.... okay.. what rocks near I 85,75,20 285"
No drive thrus for these but for starters:
I285 Exit 15/S. Cobb Rd.: U.S. Cafe - dive with awesome burgers, handcut fries, and milkshakesI75 Exit 255- W. Paces Ferry Rd.
OK Cafe - has breakfast, meat and 2's, etc in the dining area, but has a take-out room with a hot (chicken & dumplins, veggies, meatloaf) and cold (salad) bars where you pay (a lot) by the pound. also has great milkshakes and desserts.
Same exit, Goldberg's Deli. As long as it isn't lunch or breakfast rush, you can be in and out quickly. great sandwiches and they have yummy steak fries.I75/85 connector. The Varsity. Not sure what exit but it is right off on 14th street. GFWD would know. supposedly the world's largest drive through. cheap burgers, dogs, shakes, the signature Frosted Orange (F.O.), ice cream...
Go Heels...
/food is great
//basketball has started
Kate-
I see your Al's Beef (yum) and raise you a Johnnie's (yummy). There's only two of them but they do make the best Italian Beefs in town. Better than Portillo's, who are best for their dogs and burgers and amazing onion rings. I failed to mention that Portillo's has what my wife calls the "Crack Salad" which is a chopped salad that costs more and is bigger than any regular menu item. And they are tasty.
Don't get me started on single-location Chicago-area food joints, I could write a book.
The last time I went to Quizno's I ordered a ham & honey mustard thing. I'm conservative with condiments -- too much wrecks a sandwich. So I'm about to say my usual "easy on the mustard" when the dude whips out a triple-nozzled bottle of honey mustard and completely coats the sandwich in one shot.
Three nozzles. It was mythological. And gross. I haven't been back.
I also think A&W is worth noting for its decline. The last time I went my wife got a bun with no hamburger and I got food poisoning from the chicken. That was some noteworthy shit.
Parts of the northeast used to be covered with Roy Rogers Roast Beef franchises. They had a few hundred stores back in the 70's, but after a bewildering number of corporate takeovers and changes, they're down to just over 50 today. I have no idea how their food tastes now, but they used to make excellent roast beef sandwiches. That they managed to shrink while the despicable Arby's thrived (what the hell is that "roast beef" made of, anyway?) just drives me nuts.
Wow. Tons of passionate comments. Why don't I have an opinion on this?
Roy Rogers was terrific. Here's my question... Who here has worked in fast food. I spent 2 weeks working at mcdonalds in 1983
"Don't get me started on single-location Chicago-area food joints, I could write a book."
Ken - I would buy this book. :)
I survived a couple of months part-time in the kitchen of a well known Scottish-sounding restaurant chain in 1984. Learned everything I'll ever want to know about fast food and learned some other stuff, too...
Anyway, nobody's really done the crusty-old-curmudgeon-who-hardly-ever-eats-fast-food bit, so here goes.
When I have to drive all day, the night before I buy a large cheese pizza -- 16" minimum, real simple pizza cooked in a stone oven (if possible) from a local pizza shop. I also get a bottle of cola, a couple of bottles of water and some chocolate.
The next day I can comfortably drive 600 miles with just one gas stop and two (maybe three) rest area stops. Two people? Two pizzas (or whatever she'd rather bring instead).
If I do have to stop (or if we decide we want to stop), we always look for a local place: Chinese, Mexican, pizza, diner, family restaurant, bar & grill.... Not hard to find and we don't even have GPS or a smartphone. College towns are especially good.
(By the way, why would someone drive to Durham to go to Bojangles if they lived in Chapel Hill? Did 4 Corners (gulp) go out of business? Please say it isn't so)!
Anyway, I do have a soft spot for Waffle House, even if I am starting to think of it as a pale substitute for northeastern local diners.
Hardee's is good for breakfast. I actually like their biscuits better than Bojangles's. I like Bicuitville better than either of them. If I can find a local place, though...
So that's my curmudgeonly take on fast food. 95% of the time I bring my own or go local. Yes, I do occasionally wind up, bleary-eyed and baffled, in line at some fast-food place. Usually I just get some chicken combo. They all taste about equally mediocre to me.
I won't go to Cracker Barrel or buy from Dominos for political reasons and Chick Fil-A just got added to the list. I don't buy gas from Exxon or Mobil, either, but that's another blog hijack....
Yikes! Did I say 4 Corners? Of course, I meant Time Out! I guess it's late....
I think that these fast foods use formaldehyde and ammonia as preservatives. A McDonald's Big Mac just smells bad...it smells, to me, like a combination of formaldehyde and ammonia...just faintly. And the sauce is a hideous agglutinated substance with mucoid consistency and an aftertaste similar to mayonnaise and hot dog. Not to mention the heart burn coefficient that results from eating this stuff...plus the atherosclerotic heart disease that is hastened by it.
Right on, dude. The processed foods are readily available at modest prices. These mass produced substances seem to contain low concentrations of a variety of preservative substances, like formalin and ammonia, possibly used to preserve the beef. The buns are well preserved in some faintly smelly chemical such as, possibly, a urea derivative or formalin outright. Who knows. Some of the fast food joints hide these traces of toxins well in their flavouring. Don't forget the chemical reactions that occur from cooking the already heavily preserved foodstuffs.