January 7, 2010
clean up on aisle 73
My Problem With Specific Retail Stores, Volume I
1. Target - Okay, for the sake of argument, let's leave out how all these stores killed Mom 'n' Pop establishments downtown, and just look at them for what they are. Target is fuckin' awesome, but sometimes I don't know if it's awesome in comparison to what it used to be, or awesome empirically. I do know this: buying cheap crap in a clean new store with good décor is better than buying cheap crap in a dirty store that has flu strains on every cart. It's like Virgin America - I'd rather be cramped with ambient purple lighting than cramped on US Air.
2. American Apparel - I know the kiddie porn ads are offensive, and everyone seems to be stuck in a heroin re-imagining of 1981, but you can't beat the thin, comfy cotton, and it's all made here in the USA. But I just don't understand why they have to make all their T-shirts so long. T-shirts that go down to your thigh will only work on anorexic drug addicts - every time I buy a shirt there, I have to stitch it up six inches, and I'm six feet tall. Could they stop being such jerks about it?
3. The UPS Store, Mailboxes Etc. - There is a prerequisite for working at a box-n-ship place, which is "MUST BE A SHORT-TEMPERED, ILL-SOCIALIZED ASSHOLE WHO HATES HIS FELLOW MAN". Because of our frequent travels, I wind up in these places all the time, and 95% of them are manned by some of the meanest people imaginable. Does packing tape make a person crazy? Fuck it - if I wanted to be ignored and humiliated, I'd go to Home Depot.
4. Home Depot - Getting help at a Home Depot is like wandering around Kyrgyzstan with a blind dog. It's like they put every single building tool under a roof the size of the Matterhorn, and then abandoned it, leaving only two cashiers and one guy aimlessly driving around in a forklift.
5. The Gap - Oh, The Gap. What happened to you? It used to be the place you could always get solid basics, but now I just can't find anything I'd actually wear. Why does it feel so... cheesy? Did you change, or did I?
6. Orange Julius - Actually, there's absolutely nothing wrong with Orange Julius.
7. Brookstone - I see one of these places and I salivate with the kind of operant conditioning that comes from a lifetime of gadgeteering. But once you're actually in the store, I'm consistently amazed at how few things are actually appealing. And that's saying something, because most of you old friends know how hard it is for me to say no to a USB deep-fat GPS dongle. Plus, not to get all Howard Hughes or anything, but like fuck if I'm gonna sit in one of those massaging chairs after 700 people already did.
8. Barnes & Noble - B&N is beginning to be a place we'll tell our kids about, a holdover from a dead era, a little like the Illuminated Texts display at the Getty. If they really wanted to port themselves into the future, they'd have a little button in front of each book that would allow you to wirelessly download it to your Kindle, iPod, etc... sure, I'll still get Sector 7 in hardback for Lucy, but unless you gots big pretty pictures, why can't I just read it without felling trees?
9. Foot Locker, Athletic Attic, etc. - I don't get it - all you guys do is shoes, but if I want real shoes, I have to go to Modell's or Dick's Sporting Goods? I buy basketball shoes because I play basketball in them, god dammit - and all you've got are flimsy green Nike throwback low-tops? I'm not going to a barbecue, boys - I'M GOING TO THE MOTHERFUCKING RACK! Stop giving me fashion choices and GIMME SOMETHING THAT FEELS GOOD AFTER I THROW DOWN A THUNDEROUS MONSTER JAM!!!
Posted by Ian Williams at January 7, 2010 11:21 PMTarget: Love
American Apparel: Yeah, I would love to emphasize my abdominal fat pads with a thin, clingy T-shirt. Nein, danke.
UPS: The UPS stores I frequent (total: 2) have the nicest employees imaginable. At the one nearest us, the aging hippie guy gave me a primer on Epiphone guitars when I was shipping my son's busted one back to the mfr; comes out to my car if it's cold and sees if my item is prepaid (usually is); and is generally a mensch. I guess I'm just lucky when it comes to BROWN. (har har for you insiders)
Home Depot: Totally agree. I switched to Lowe's.
Gap: Crap. And overpriced. With pretentious store staff. And, again with the over-long knit tops.
B&N, Borders, indie booksellers: Sorry but nothing beats the tactile-abstract meld of the senses I enjoy when I caress and read the pages of an actual book. Mmmmmmmmm.
That's all I got. Except one confession: On occasion, I shop at WalMart. (and am roundly chastised by our self-proclaimed socialist 17 year old son)
Methinks the long shirts are to cover the crack gap from the ultra low rise jeans (don't get me started...)
My Holy Trinity: Target, Trader Joes, and Ikea.
My husband and four year old vastly prefer Lowes to Home Depot. (But we're lucky to have a fabulous if a bit pricey old school hardware store down the road. We go to Blackhawk Hardware if we need customer service.)
Old Navy used to sell quality basics, but that's a thing of the past. They do sell decent stuff for little boys.
Love Target.
Like Gap Kids, but not necessarily The Gap.
In the same vein - do like Banana Republic and the ability to use the same credit card at multiple stores (GK and BR) and redeem points is a plus.
Frustrated to no end with Old Navy.
Like Lowe's over Home Depot.
Warming up to Dick's.
did you know orange julius once put raw eggs in their drinks? i miss those days. even though i was like 12. =) very funny post. you're a funny guy. if you like did the least tiny bit of marketing i bet your blog would take off.
Vintage Vantage sells the most comfortable, soft (I don't believe long) t-shirts in the world. They call it vantagesoft.
Here's a link to their blank t-shirts: http://www.vintagevantage.com/productcats.php?productcat_id=11&subcat=hombres
Ian, that's a great Barnes & Noble idea.
Target is the store that I hate to love. Frankly my biggest problem with it is that I can't seem to spend less than $150 per visit.
Could not agree more about the Gap. It seems to have taken a turn back in the mid-90s. I used to buy all my jeans, tees, and sweaters there, but I haven't bought anything there but baby clothes in years. And Old Navy is NOT a replacement for the "old" Gap.
Must disagree about B&N. I still love a real book and frankly after 40+ hours per week on the computer for my job my eyes can't take much more. I really prefer reading something printed. But I do wish they'd stock a wider variety of children's books. I find myself ordering a lot from the internet because the stock is pretty limited (at least the B&Ns near me.)
Just to pile it on the Gap, I used to at least buy my kids stuff there, but now I've noticed that the quality has gone way down as well. The last couple of t-shirts I got for my daughter came apart at the seams after a few wears as did the toe of her last pair of Gap socks. If they can't even make t-shirts and socks properly, I give up.
Thunderous monster jam? With a stepladder or on the court with the 8' rims?
Is Big Scott one of your basketball friends?
Agree with Mindy - LOVE Target but spend too much every time. Me on Monday: "Honey, that Lionel Train set Henry wanted before Christmas was on sale HALF price so I had to buy it!" So there went $70. But it was half price!!
Gap just doesn't make jeans that fit me. Apparently my ass to waist ratio is way off the norm - or maybe they just cater to people built like spongebob squarepants.
I love books - real ones. My MIL has a Kindle, and I love the idea, but think I would miss a real book. Love my local B&N b/c they have a Starbucks inside. I know the coffee is crappy, but when you add caramel and vanilla flavoring: YUM.
Target - I used to think there was a stigma attached to buying clothes at a store like Target but I've gotten over it and have bought a few things there now. And Wal Mart is the ONLY one of these big box stores that killed Main Street. Alright, maybe the home improvement stores too, they killed lumberyards and hardware stores.
AA - A friend of mine who uses AA as a vendor for his t-shirt company told me some horror stories about the president and what an ass he is (like masturbating in full view of his staff, for fun) but I do like the softness and the American made factor.
UPS - Like Anne, I have always had good experiences at our Pack-n-ship places, no matter whose name is on the door.
Home Depot - It's a regional thing, we have Menards in the midwest and our store rocks, literally. We have a piano player at our store who wears a suit and plays piano arrangements of metal songs and on autumn Sundays peppers in the NFL on Fox Theme. Oh and much more organized than the Depot and cheaper than Lowe's with employees who know their shit.
GAP - I used to buy 75% of my clothes there. Now it's zero. I buy staples at Brooks Brothers Outlet, Marshalls or REI.
Orange Julius - Watching my sugar/carb intake these days but no quibbles with this OJ.
Brookstone - I have a great pair of noise canceling headphones from Brookstone with a lifetime guarantee that I've redeemed twice but about 80% of this stuff is disposable. However, the clock with the time/temp projection feature ROCKS! My wife made fun of me for buying it at the time but now totally loves it when we're timing the intervals between baby crying/waking.
B&N - We're actually closer to Borders and Half Price Books (both good) but I'm still partial to Indie bookstores when possible.
Haven't set foot in The Locker in decades.
there are only 2 places i buy shoes these days: eastbay.com and ebay.com.
if you can't find it there, they don't make it!
what do you (all) think of LuLuLemon?
As someone who just received a membership for Xmas I'd like to sing the praises of the biggest box store - Costco! They can feed you an entire meal in samples, provide diapers for an entire daycare center in one box, sell you a giant berry smoothie for $1.25 and still treat their employees well.
Oh yeah, and on their website they sell both caskets and cribs. Cradle to grave service!
Oh, and on the subject of book stores. Although I do enjoy Borders here in CH (yummy choc chip cookies and the coffee is better than Starbucks in B and N), we just got a cool new independent book store - Flyleaf books next to Fosters on MLK (near the Flying Burrito - which is a sad, sad representation of its old self). You fellow Chapel Hillians should check it out.
As for Lululemon, they have an avid buyer and acolyte in my wife.
Love the comparison of B&N to those illuminated manuscripts. Every time I accidentally wander into that section at the Getty I am simultaneously amazed and bored out of my mind.
Don't communicate all your peace to a single a lot less privileged compared with what your family. usine23 http://e55.fr/