xtcian

1. No.
2. No.
3. It depends on what you're settling for.

1. yes, but it's still pretty fun
2. no
3. what BM said

1. Yes.
2. Not in a relationship
3. Yes.

Yes, I settled for the job I have now. After years of working for startups and small companies with bankruptcy looming outside the office doors, I thought a senior management position at a multibillion publicly traded company would offer some of the stability that had been missing from my life.

What I did not anticipate was the soulless emasculation that comes with working in a sea of cubicles housing the 5000 workers in our corporate offices. My meager contributions are further dwarfed by the 150,000 other employees around the globe. I did not anticipate how working for a company that does not value original thought, creativity or even intelligence would gouge my own self-esteem.

¾ of the people I know do not know what company I work for because I am too embarrassed to discuss it- embarrassed by the mundane, poor quality product we produce and embarrassed that I went from controlling the creative direction of small companies to being a cog in a very uncreative machine stamping out schlock that could be more efficiently delivered directly to a landfill instead of filtered through stores and fickly frugal consumers.

I fear that the two years I have spent with this company will be the dark spot on my resume that will keep me from ever working for a more esteemed company in the future but with the economy as it is, my options for alternatives right now are slim to none. I have two good friends who do similar work and have been unemployed for almost two years despite daily searching. I realize I am lucky to have a job that pays extremely well and is with a company that will be here 50, 100 years from now. But that is not the first thing that comes to my mind this morning as I prepare for another day.

1. No...I wanted to write and work for newspapers since I was maybe 12
2. No...and heck I waited a long time
3. Depends. I am not a fan of settling. But if it's something that leads to a better result in another, more important area of your life, then it's totally fine.

1. Yes
2. No
3. No. Its called REALITY, baby.

I think that everyone 'settles' to some extent. Some are luckier than others in the choices they're presented with in life.

And a certain amount of settling, particularly in love, is healthy. If by settling you're saying to yourself, "this person isn't perfect, but neither am I, and if I push through the less fun bits and stay loyal, the reward is having built something enduring."

And really, everyone deserves to be loved. Why not make it your project to give the imperfect person who, against all odds you managed to get with, the love they deserve?

I know people who have broken up with someone saying explicitly "I could do better." That seems to me to be cruel in the extreme, and probably a recipe for permanent dissatisfaction. If the person you're talking about isn't a sociopath or a sadist, then you probably won't do better. There's a certain nominal goodness that all decent people have, and the person who significantly rises above the rest are so rare it's ridiculous to think you're going to find them. And even if they do, who's to say you're up to their standards?

If you're just not feeling it, that's one thing. But to reject someone just for not measuring up -- and this goes TRIPLE if your objection is their level of physical beauty -- then you're an asshole, and only deserve other assholes.

No. - though I am not particularly fond of my current job, it was a great job when I landed it 11 years ago.

No. - I married waaaay above my station.

No. - I think that 'settling' often yields an equivalent, if not superior, result. The reason it feels like settling is because we have idealized some other outcome.

1. If you call taking a job that fits my life settling, then yes, I settled. Otherwise, I feel lucky with the job I have - steady paycheck, retirement, personal leave, part-time, health insurance and my client loves the work I do.
2. No
3. Not if you don't resent the fact that you may be settling and wonder "what if." That is when the problems occur.

1. unfortunately yes because it was the best I could find in a down economy after coming out of grad school. It's a good job, not great, but I work with great people so I'm fine with it and actually enjoy it for the most part.

2. In the last year and a half the answer has become a very obvious and resounding yes. The last year has been awful, the last 3 months miserable and I've been trying to salvage things with no help from the spouse what so ever and if I could muster up enough guts I'd go ahead and do what needs to be done and just end this before I get so far down that I won't be able to get back up.

3. It certainly can be

1) No.

2) Initially I chose it with gusto. Later, at times I had to re-choose it deliberately when the going got tough. (A mutual process.)

3) Settling for something that hurts, that limits your freedom unreasonably, that is oppressive and joyless: bad thing. "Settling" by choosing to make an imperfect situation as good as possible can be a very positive process, but you have to leave a lot of your ego at the door and focus on the greater good.

1 - No. Dream job.

2 - No. Like Greg T., I married way above my station.

3 - It's part of life. I do think that the concept of settling depends less on where you end up than on where you thought you could be. In other words, people who feel they are settling (or refuse to settle) may be suffering from an inflated sense of self. They may not have actually settled, but gotten a good deal based on an honest assessment of their circumstances. In may case, I may have a deflated sense of self and have actually settled! (Possible on the job, impossible on the spouse).

1) I fell into and then got comfortable with the career/job. I feel like i could/should be doing something else but the problem is not knowing what that is.

2) 100% no

3) when I have settled for something there seemed to be a greater good aspect involved. The end hasn't always worked out exactly how I would have liked but it was never horrible.

Interesting questions.

1. I don't know. I love my current firm and job, but if something more exciting came along, or other opportunities, I would take them if the timing and offer was right.

2. No. I love my wife more than I ever thought I would love a woman I was in a relationship with. I cannot imagine being without her and the though of it makes me weak in the knees. She is my one true obsession and addiction. All that being said, I sometimes wonder if monogamy is a self-inflicted wound to our true nature.

3. Settling is an important part of happiness and if the practice is developed as a result of life experience coupled with common sense, it allows for far more development as a human being and a good person than holding out and striving for an unobtainable. The number of women I know who are holding out for the man on the white horse is sad and yet, so many guys ride up on a barely tan horse only to be rejected as "settling".

PS - Ian, curious about your commitment to driving a Prius in light of this latest incident:

http://consumerist.com/2010/03/toyota-prius-runs-wild-at-90mph-with-stuck-accelerator.html

Read the comments below the post. Scary! Be safe.

Before anyone jumps, I know plenty of guys who do the same.

1 - at first no. Now, definitely yes.
2 - Certainly not at first. Even now I don't know if I'd describe it as settling, but over the years I have often wondered if we're really all that well suited to each other.
3 - It depends. As for my job, it may not be very exciting and I certainly wouldn't say that I love it, but if affords me a great deal of flexibility which with a full-time job, long commute, and 2 kids in 2 different schools is very important.
I agree with many of the above comments. Sometimes you have to look at the bigger picture and make choices. Of course sometimes if I'm feeling down about a situation or relationship, I have to remind myself that the choices were mine and what the tradeoffs were and that usually makes me feel much better

1. Absolutely
2. Absolutely not
3. For me, it absolutely sucks. Have been looking for something better since day one. Haven't found it yet. I probably shouldn't have majored in Major Browsing.

1) no
2) no
3) yes, sometimes life is triage, most times it is shuck and jive: jump to the left, step to the right, time warp again, repeat.

1. Nope. Finally found something that makes me happy with less stress that puts my associate's degree to good use.

2. Yes, I fear. 3 wonderful little boys. Great father. But does not put butterflies in my belly anymore . . . if he ever really did.

3. I wonder if I'll end up being like the woman in The Bridges of Madison County, where my kids will know me as a loving mother, my husband will think I'm a wonderful wife and I'll have to wait 30 years to find true love with Clint Eastwood when I'm as old as Meryl Streep--with 16 fewer Academy Award nominations.

Ian, I saw the article Anne referenced, too, and thought you should consider buying a Hummer now that they're likely going to be having good "going out of business" deals. And even if the brakes fail on those bad boys, you can just run over a couple of Prius's and slow down.

1. Did not settle, as this job is the perfect storm for me at this stage in my career.

2. (Is this a thinly veiled referendum on Tiger Woods?) To paraphrase from the Knight from the third Raider's of the Ark movie, "I chose wisely".

3. Settling is the byproduct of alternatives. If crocodile above hates the job and considers it a blight on his/her resume, the trade off may be more money and more time with family or less stress. Who can judge that? Other settling may be for the kids. Hard to judge another's settling and/or their motivations. I've settled before in my career for fear of trying. I'm not doing that now, but have in the past. Feels better when you do dare to take that first step into the unknown. (Sorry for the second allusion to the same third Raiders movie). Hopefully, it will continue to pay off.

1. no. every job before this one, yes.
2. no.
3. no.

1. No. Love being a SAHM. Very grateful to be able to do it.

2. No. Still head over Heels in love with my husband. :-)

3. I like flaco's comment that sometimes life is triage.

1. Definitely did not settle for my job--got the dream job description in the dream town. Though, of course, it's all about trade-offs. My absolute dream job would be doing what I'm doing now but in Chapel Hill, but that wouldn't pay as well, or, honestly, be as good a fit for my family, I suspect. Because right now we live in dream town, Portland, Oregon, and it's hard to get more awesome than this. Except for the part where I can't watch the basketball games that are only on Raycom.

2. I echo GFWD: "I chose wisely." I think I probably could have chosen a life partner who would have provided more drama -- for good and for bad -- but I do adore my husband and am constantly amazed at the fact that he's stuck with me all these years.

Then again, sometimes like tregen, I wish monogamy weren't the rule of the game. I miss passionate flings with ex-boyfriends, my old stock in trade when life got dull (uh, pre-current relationship, I mean).

Seriously, do you guys think only men get a tad bored with their current partners?

Also, while my marriage could be more exciting for both of us, I think it's the best thing for my kids. So, maybe marriage really is about settling? We can't all be Michael Chabon and what's-her-name, right?

3. I guess settling is bad when you think of it as settling. It's different when you think of making good decisions. Which sounds like I've given up on excitement in life! But really what it means I've given up on the emotional upheaval of my earlier days for the stability and steadiness of life with husband and family. Which has its own incredible awards.

1. I may have settled for my *career*, since I'm not a nuclear physicist or a movie director or a fireman. But as the man said, "This is the business we've chosen." Current job, I worked hard to get.

2. Nope. My wife and I are very different people with different interests, likes, dislikes...but twelve years on, she's still the one I want to grow old with.

3. I'd settle for a good life. :) I've known folks who've "refused to settle" and always seem to fuck other people over (and themselves over) in their search for the better thing they never find. I thought of that same Indiana Jones quote as GFWD, "Choose...but choose wisely!"

1. No, but I've settled on many others.

2. N/A (single -- any cute gay boys reading?)

3. No. The connotation of settling is bad, but in reality it can be the most freeing and satisfying thing ever.

1) Shit, no. And fuck you Elizabeth Wurtzel.

2) No. I suspect that she did, though.

3) Yes, settling builds character. So, suck it up and do what needs to do done, hippys. Also, day jobs (like writin' code) allow you to do the real work (like the 2-4).

Of course, telling the Man to take this job and shove it also builds character. So I recommend two or three-year cycles of settling and shoving until you get the other thing of the ground. And if you haven't put eight or nine years into it, it probably isn't really off the ground yet.

1. No. I am grateful for the work I have, even though much of it seems trivial and inconsequential to the outside looking in. I'm on my path.
2. No. Had he not existed, I would have dreamt him into being. I love him regardless of perceived shortcomings.
3. YES. There may be compromise, but I have not "settled."

1) Not at all. This is the job I wanted out of college, and I have spent 10 happy years here so far. I am relatively well-paid, moderately challenged (sometimes minimally, but it's nice to coast sometimes too), respected by my colleagues, and above all -- happy.

I lost most of my ambition somewhere in between finishing at the top of my high school class and graduating college; now my focus is on being happy (which includes making a comfortable salary), and not so much on impressing anyone or "making mom proud" (which she is anyway, as I should have known).

2) Again, not at all. I am still very much in love with my wife and think we are a perfect match. I came somewhat close to settling for my previous girlfriend (N-1), but thankfully I trusted my instincts that told me it wasn't the right match for me, even after 4 years together.
Meeting my current wife (the much better match that I had been hoping for) was just the push I needed to move forward from the "settling" relationship and into one that truly makes me happy.

3) Almost unanswerable in the general sense. It all depends on the person, and more importantly, the degree to which one is settling.

With regards to career, I think few people are able to pursue their dream job. It's okay to "settle" as long as you can still be happy. Personally I view one's career as just what you have to do to have money so you can do what you want in life. The more you enjoy it the better, but I just don't get people who live to work.

In relationships, "settling" sounds terrible (surely would to your partner), but as with a career, not everyone can expect to find a perfect match. I think most people will find someone who makes them happy, some people will find someone who makes them happier, and the lucky ones find someone who makes them happiest. I believe I am fortunate enough to be in the last group!

1. Yes, but I'm ok with that. I don't live to work, and my current job pays me well enough, when combined with the hub's, that we don't have to worry too much. I have a lot of flexibility and very little direct oversight. I do my job well, and people are grateful for what I do, but it's not my dream job by any stretch.

2. I think so; however, my quest for non-drama led me down this path. I also realize that my being scared of "being 30 and not married" may have made me short-sighted.

3. No, not always. It depends on the individual and the situation.

The concept of "settling" has a set of presuppositions that makes it difficult to answer your questions without going off on a rant, but no matter, I'd say NO to your first question. I haven't settled for this particular job. So far, I love it. I don't live in a world that has the comfort of settling into a particular job, so there you have it.

I am single and lacking enormously in self confidence. All the recent jibber jabber about an in/ability to 'settle' has rattled me but I am surrounded by too many lovely and loving relationships to buy the notion that "if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with."

Interesting questions.

I think for both 1 & 2, I've maybe been a little too inclined to take the first good option that came along and hang on to it, rather than continuing to explore my options. I'm not sure if this is quite the same as settling though.

As for 3, I think there is a lot to be said for focusing on the positives of a particular situation, and thus "settling" isn't such a problem if you have the right mindset about dealing with less-than-totally-perfect situations. But that attitude can be taken too far, and lead you to think that you can make the best of a situation that you'd be better off getting out of.

1. Yes. I wanted (still want) to be an actress. I have settled for health insurance and a perfect tetherball record. (Fourth graders are still *just barely* shorter than me.)
2. Only two months in, but I'm wondering if I should settle. He's absolutely wonderful. I think my lymbic system is faulty.
3. I don't know.