xtcian

one lost soul swimming in a fishbowl

2/7/13

There is a big joke going around, everyone is in on it, everyone's adding their brilliant one-liners, but I'm afraid you don't get it. No, it's not about you, you just wouldn't understand it. You weren't around when the whole thing started, and by now, having to explain it just wouldn't make sense to you.

Oh, I wish I'd thought of that. Or: I did think of that, but someone beat me to it. Or even worse... I said my piece before I knew THEY had already done it, and mine looks so sad and bandwagon-jumping now. Oh, I'll never recover from this.

My god, look what everyone has done already. My resumé looks nothing like theirs. When did they find time to work there? And there? And they went to both of those schools? And they lived in all four of those places? Where did they get the money? What have I been doing the last 12 years?

Man, I said something I thought was funny. I said it at the right time, and with the right emphasis. Nobody responded. But he can just say anything at any time and everyone laughs. I don't understand, it must be magic. Because I can't learn it.

Look. Look at that. So many friends. A bunch of them are famous. Or at least I know who they are. So beautiful, in every shot. Leading such a fabulous life. I don't even say "fabulous" to sound sarcastic, I mean it's actually fabulous. I mean, I know everyone curates their persona to a certain degree, but nobody can fake all that. I'm too despondent to even hate them.

Excuse me, how can I find out how well I'm doing? I just need a benchmark by which I can be measured. Yes, I know it's apples and oranges, but come on. There are absolutes, and I need to know where I stand. Don't tell me everyone looks at everyone else and feels inadequate. I refuse to believe that. I want to be graded. Who's in charge here?