Star Trek: Insurrection

Director: Jonathan Frakes
Cast:
Patrick Stewart
Jonathan Frakes
Brent Spiner
LeVar Burton
Michael Dorn
Genre: SciFi

So "Star Trek: Insurrection" opens this weekend, and that can only mean one thing: the spazziest dorks west of an X-Files Convention will be lining up outside your favorite multiplex in a rash of bad polyester flight suits, Vulcan ears and goofy conversation. But the cool thing about being a Trekkie is that it doesn't take a lot of effort; most other Dork Cliques require a lot more study. Comic book collectors are an impenetrable bunch; Medieval War Re-Enactors spend tons of money on lances and longswords; internet gamers speak an entirely different language, and marching band geeks actually learned to play an instrument. But being a Trekkie is easy; just sit back, relax, and let the screen take care of it for you. All you have to know is that the humans are good, and all the ugly guys are bad.

The other great thing about being a Trekkie is that almost all of the "Star Trek" movies have been pretty cool. Not one Trek movie has gone by that wasn't a good night out, so in celebration of our newest arrival, here's a quaint retrospective of Star Treks past!

"Star Trek: The Motion Picture" (1979): Easily the least enjoyable, the original movie was longer than hell, and had some of William Shatner's worst acting and worst hair. The end revelation (that one of America's early space shuttles had become "self-actualized") is good enough, but by the time you get there your arse has gone into a coma. There is a cool moment, however, when the transporter screws up during an early run and messes up the electrons of five unlucky crew members. "What we got back here didn't live long," the transport guy says, and that's the sort of stuff that gets a young boy's mind racing in all sorts of gruesome directions.

Grade: C+

"Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan" (1982): How many times is the sequel better than the original? Rarely, my dear, but how many sequels also have Ricardo Montalban as the wickedest space villain in Warp 5? This is the one where Spock sacrifices his life (after all, "the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few," right?) only to give us a Vulcan mind meld leading to the next movie...how exciting!

Grade: A

"Star Trek III: The Search For Spock" (1984): With some of the best special effects in history (who could forget the Genesis planet sprouting anew?) This is the one where Spock transfers his soul to McCoy—and Captain Kirk has to hijack the Enterprise to find his old friend Spock to give him his brains back. I saw this in 9th grade when my Trekkie history professor took us all to the multiplex. He liked it, but at the end he said, "what the heck are they going to do now? The Federation is going to arrest them!" And for a few moments, I shared his concern.

Grade: A-

"Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home" (1986): One of my favorite movies of all time, this is the one with the whales. Yeah, you've seen it. I swear, I'm a sucker for time travel movies. It's pathetic.

Grade: A+

"Star Trek V: The Final Frontier" (1989): By now, the members of the Enterprise are pretty bloated and self-congratulatory, making for the most forgettable entry of the series. This is the one where Spock's brother drags the Enterprise on a search for the Supreme Being, but mostly I remember that my date had the flu and moaned through the whole thing. By the way, I highly recommend "Flonase" for sinus infections, so ask your doctor.

Grade: B-

"Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country" (1991): The adventure is back in this one, as Kirk and McCoy get convicted of assassination (they didn't do it, natch) and get sent to a penal colony on a frozen planet. Lots of great casting (Iman, Christopher Plummer) and plenty of laughs for a series that had begun to take itself a little too seriously.

Grade: A-

"Star Trek: Generations" (1994): Boy, wasn't this one cynical? How to get both Captain Picard and Kirk in the same scene, hmmm? Even as hokey as the whole time warp thing was (the Enterprise seems to find time wormholes as common as 7-Elevens in space) it features a pretty satisfying, surreal trip to a mountain hideaway where Shatner is splitting logs and riding his horse. Weird, but oddly satisfying, like Thai food.

Grade: B+

"Star Trek: First Contact" (1996): Again going back in time, the new generation of trekkers have to stop Earth from going Borg, and that means hanging out with James Cromwell ("Babe") for the first warp flight. Some great stuff with the main Borg lady here, who is putrescently slimy and oddly sexy at the same time. This one also has a killer holodeck scene where Picard goes back to a speakeasy club from the '30s. Now THAT'S what I pay my money for!

Grade: A -

So what now with "Star Trek: Insurrection"? It's up to you, fair reader: grab a like-minded date and go!

—Ian Williams

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