The Big Hit 

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So you see the trailers for this thing, and you start to wonder: can anything be this stupid? More importantly, can the movie be so bad that the trailer can't even save it? I went into this movie with the worst possible attitude, which I recommend highly—if you do so, you'll be pleasantly surprised by this incredibly dorky thriller.

Marky Mark Wahlberg (god, he must hate being called that) stars as the most tender-hearted hit man in history; indeed, his demeanor is more that of a high school emotional counselor than a killer.

Together with his team of thugs, aptly biceped by Lou Diamond Phillips, Antonio Sabato Jr. and Bokeem Woodbine, he goes out on contracted hits, his friends wisecracking all the way. Woodbine has forsaken women for auto-manipulation, and Phillips is a testosterone-addled freak who pours nondairy creamer into his coffee while his friends do all the dirty work. Their camaraderie, strangely enough, is hilarious even when their dialogue isn't stolen from Tarantino.

When Phillips cons Wahlberg into accidentally kidnapping their mob boss' goddaughter, betrayals ensue and the race is on. Add Christina Applegate, his grubbing fiancee, to the picture (along with her nightmare parents) and it's no wonder Our Hero keeps Maalox in business.

Sure, giving a hit man an ulcer is the oldest trick in the book. Sure, the jokes are incredibly silly and the action sequences choreographed in a way that is so self-consciously stylized that it looks like a bad ballet class. It doesn't matter: "The Big Hit" takes nothing seriously except its level of excitement—and that, my friends, was well worth the price of admission alone.

—Ian Williams

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